Amylouky, is it possible for you to suggest that your MIL get in touch with Al Anon?
This is a wise idea. Amylouky and DH would probably benefit from this organization also.
I have suggested it many times, but no luck yet. My father was an alcoholic (got sober when I was around 10), and Ala-teen was very helpful for me and my sisters. Mom went to Al-Anon also, so I'm very familiar with the benefits it can bring. I've offered to go with her, but I think she thinks she's doing fine on her own. Which, I guess she is, since everyone else is just playing along with her enabling.
The more I think about it, the crazier it seems. She has family gatherings and tells everyone to lock their purses in their cars. Who does that??
I couldn't get on this weekend (sorry, internet problems) so I'm just catching up on all the replies, but I wanted to say thank you all! They are definitely helping me to strengthen my spine, and to give DH some pointers on what to say to MIL. We haven't called her back yet, I think DH is afraid to because he doesn't want to get in another fight with her.
Here's where Ehell has REALLY helped.. I explained JADE to him (love it!) I told him that she already knows our position, she knows why we have taken that position, so there is no reason to explain it again. If she brings up Thursday, just say, "Mom, you know our feelings on that, it won't be possible. Now, about Saturday.." I also like the wording of, "Please don't invite or bring BIL. He will not be allowed in the house, and it will just be embarrassing and hurtful to everyone." We also talked about giving her a definite time limit, 9 months or a year, and we'll re-evaluate. Hopefully that way, this dilemma doesn't keep coming up every time there is an event.
Another thing I wanted to address.. I have told DH that he is free to maintain a relationship
with BIL, if he wants to. I am not going to make him choose between me and BIL, or MIL for that matter. He is in agreement with not having the boys around BIL, or at MIL's house while BIL is living there. He agrees with not seeing BIL either, I think he's just having a hard time with doing things that will hurt his Mom, which I definitely understand.
Thanks everyone for your help, and I'm sorry if this subject has brought up painful memories.