When plus one turns into plus three

[Queen of Clubs]

See I would have a different issue than OP's friend. I would be so angry at the request (I imagine myself having some anxiety in cutting special people from the guest list and now a 'friend' is foisting people I don't even know on me that she might not even be dating by the time the wedding comes around) that my struggle would be: "How do I shut this request down without being obviously angry at being ASKED?"

I would've had no problem in letting Nelly know 'No'. My problem would've been letting her know 'nicely'.

Yeah, yeah I know. People can ask for whatever and we can say 'no' to whatever but I really wish (like GenXr said in her other thread) that there was a reasonable standard for reasonable requests.

What gets me is that Nelly hasn't even asked - she's assumed the children are automatically invited.  Apart from that, I'm with you all the way.  I'd be so peeved I'd be struggling to be nice about letting her know that no, the kids aren't invited.

As for what to say to Nelly, I agree with a PP: put it down to the size constraints and how restricted the guest list is.  If Nelly argues about the children not being invited, I'd be tempted to reply, "Feel free to RSVP no."

[gramma dishes]

...     If Nelly argues about the children not being invited, I'd be tempted to reply, "Feel free to RSVP no."

Fixed that for you!   

[dirtyweasel]

I actually just had this happen to me at my recent wedding celebration.  My MIL insisted that Great Aunt Mabel just NEEDED to be invited and she wouldn't even come so don't worry about it.  Well, Mabel decides to come and she decided to invite THREE OTHER PEOPLE with her because she can't go alone!

Since it was my husband's family I had my husband call up Mabel and tell her that having the three other people come wasn't going to be possible and that we looked forward to seeing her at the reception.  We just had to be honest, but firm which was the easy part.  The hard part was acting like we weren't annoyed with her rude behavior.

[TaurusGirl]

If the invites haven't gone out yet, another solution is custom RSVP cards.

Mine had gone out, to be filled out as follows:

______ of 2 attending

That way there was no grey area, and people couldn't think "Well the envelope said Bob & Emma Smith, but surely the kids can come too".

[mrs_deb]

______ of 2 attending

That way there was no grey area, and people couldn't think "Well the envelope said Bob & Emma Smith, but surely the kids can come too".

Isn't it sad that you have to go to so much trouble to avoid that?  It's not like you can have the cards pre-printed that way.

[dirtyweasel]

If the invites haven't gone out yet, another solution is custom RSVP cards.

Mine had gone out, to be filled out as follows:

______ of 2 attending

That way there was no grey area, and people couldn't think "Well the envelope said Bob & Emma Smith, but surely the kids can come too".

Unfortunately, special snowflakes can find their way around any problem.  They might just cross out 2 and put 4 thinking in their special snowflake little minds..."Oh, that must be a typo!  Of course they meant to include the children, but forgot!"  Where there's a special snowflake will there is a special snowflake way.

[kareng57]

If the invites haven't gone out yet, another solution is custom RSVP cards.

Mine had gone out, to be filled out as follows:

______ of 2 attending

That way there was no grey area, and people couldn't think "Well the envelope said Bob & Emma Smith, but surely the kids can come too".

Unfortunately, special snowflakes can find their way around any problem.  They might just cross out 2 and put 4 thinking in their special snowflake little minds..."Oh, that must be a typo!  Of course they meant to include the children, but forgot!"  Where there's a special snowflake will there is a special snowflake way.

Yep, someone did that for my sister's wedding.  They filled in "2" (for the two invited parents) and then penned in "plus two children".  (IIRC they enlisted the help of a relative to tell the parents that the kids weren't invited).

For some folks, nothing but being very direct works.

[LifeOnPluto]

It's not rude at all to exclude these kids from the guest list. Nelly is being quite cheeky in assuming they're invited.

It would be different if Nelly and her BF had been together for a long time, and the kids lived with them. But given this set of facts, the kids don't have to be invited, IMO.

[cicero]

She's going to have to stand up for herself here and speak to Nelly.  She needs to tell her that she is looking forward to meeting her boyfriend, but because of space restraints, his children are not invited and can't come.

I like Shoo's wording as a response.  And agree that the kids are probably not at all excited about attending so saying no will probably be a non issue.

See I would have a different issue than OP's friend. I would be so angry at the request (I imagine myself having some anxiety in cutting special people from the guest list and now a 'friend' is foisting people I don't even know on me that she might not even be dating by the time the wedding comes around) that my struggle would be: "How do I shut this request down without being obviously angry at being ASKED?"

I would've had no problem in letting Nelly know 'No'. My problem would've been letting her know 'nicely'.

Yeah, yeah I know. People can ask for whatever and we can say 'no' to whatever but I really wish (like GenXr said in her other thread) that there was a reasonable standard for reasonable requests.

I agree. I actually think that even inviting the BF (of one month!) is a bit of a stretch, especially since the HC has had to cut down on other guests.

and I don't think there is a blanket rule about "people can ask for whatever and we can say no". there are some requests that are just rude, in and of themselves. this is one of them.

[Shopaholic]

She's going to have to stand up for herself here and speak to Nelly.  She needs to tell her that she is looking forward to meeting her boyfriend, but because of space restraints, his children are not invited and can't come.

I like Shoo's wording as a response.  And agree that the kids are probably not at all excited about attending so saying no will probably be a non issue.

See I would have a different issue than OP's friend. I would be so angry at the request (I imagine myself having some anxiety in cutting special people from the guest list and now a 'friend' is foisting people I don't even know on me that she might not even be dating by the time the wedding comes around) that my struggle would be: "How do I shut this request down without being obviously angry at being ASKED?"

I would've had no problem in letting Nelly know 'No'. My problem would've been letting her know 'nicely'.

Yeah, yeah I know. People can ask for whatever and we can say 'no' to whatever but I really wish (like GenXr said in her other thread) that there was a reasonable standard for reasonable requests.

This is where I stand, too. I would flat out ask Nelly why she assumes that children I've never met are invited to my small, intimate wedding. If Nelly and BF are having trouble finding a baby sitter I would tell her that under the circumstances I would not be offended.

[Ceallach]

This is actually why I dislike the kid-free vs. kid-friendly wedding policies, it somehow gives people the idea that it's an all or nothing situation.  In reality it's just as likely the couple will be close to (either in terms of genealogy or personal relationship!) certain children and not to others, just as they are with adults.   

There is absolutely no obligation whatsoever to invite these children to the wedding.  If it were me, the first time it was mentioned I would have responded with a surprised "Oh the kids?  Sorry if there's been any confusion but you know it's quite a limited guestlist, we won't be able to invite the boys unfortunately".    In fact, part of me wonders if this is why the lady is bringing it up - perhaps it's a misguided way of trying to suss out whether the kids *will* in fact be invited e.g. she's fishing for clarification (not what I'd do, but it's possible).  In which case the brides lack of response in addressing that isn't helping matters whatsoever.  The longer Nelly is allowed to get away with these comments the more entrenched the idea will get in her mind that it's ok to bring the kids!   Such things need to be nipped in the bud promptly before they get out of hand.

[veryfluffy]

It would be different if Nelly and her BF had been together for a long time, and the kids lived with them. But given this set of facts, the kids don't have to be invited, IMO.

There would still be no need to invite the children, even if they did live with them. And it would be equally rude to assume they were invited.

[CatFanatic]

Add me to those saying that they would have trouble hiding their annoyance. Weddings are expensive - everyone knows that. And most places charge full price for kids' meals, too. It isn't $10 for some chicken nuggets!

Call me paranoid, but I really, really doubt two little boys would express excitement about a stranger's wedding, unless SpongeBob was the emcee or something. I suspect Nellie knew very well they were not invited and was trying to set up the embarrassed 'oh, yes, um, yes, of course they can come...' reply that is characteristic of those taken off guard.

[mechtilde]

I'm not so sure about the boys not being excited- mine certainly would be at the prospect of going to a wedding where they could dress up nice, eat nice food and meet lots of people- even if they didn't know the HC.

Which is exactly why I wouldn't be telling them too much about a wedding until the invitation actually arrived I saw that they were listed . If they weren't invited I'd be very careful not to let them get overexcited and would be making sure early on that they knew they would be going to a sitter.

If the children are getting excited it is probably the fault of the parents, or possibly Nelly. In any case it doesn't matter whether the children are excited or not, it isn't up to them, their father or Nelly whether or not they get invited.

It is the HC's decision, and no-one else's.

[Sharnita]

Yes, there are plenty of kids, boys included who would enjoy the wedding and would be excited if they were told about it.  Just as there are many adults who are less than excited about weddings, there are kids who would think it sounded fun. 

That being said, there are alos kids who would like to go to a play.  Just because I invite their mom to go doesn't mean they are invited as well. Same for any invitation I extend.