Ending a Friendship - How to Do It Gracefully?

[TootsNYC]

I want to do this in the most drama-free way possible ... What to do?

Stop doing anything (at least, anything about this "problem person"). Remember that strong instinct you mentioned about privacy? Listen to it now. You do not need her approval to live your life as you see fit, you do not need her agreement to simply stop relating to her, and you do not need to explain anything to her (especially the reason why you're no longer communicating) ... that's the nature of the "cut direct".

If she calls, be too busy to talk. If she asks what's going on, any single word from you would chance re-engaging this toxic dialog, so some phrase like "I really can't talk about this now ... I'm sorry but I have to go [click]" is sufficiently polite.  If she spreads it around amongst mutual friends that you're being terribly impolite, tell them that "there's a lot more to the story, but it would be even more impolite for me to start giving details."

And if you're finding it hard to live through this process without sharing with a confidante, remember that privacy instinct, and bear this burden alone. It will pass.

This is what I would do.

I dislike drama too, and my goal would be to simplify MY life. So I would just be really busy, and vague, and end the conversation as soon as possible.

[PastryGoddess]

I had to do this with a former couple.  If you have gmail, it's very easy to become a black hole.  You can set a filter to immediately delete all messages coming from her.  I also set up an automatic response that was only a couple of sentences long, so every time they contacted me, they would get the same message.  I changed it after 3 months or so.

My message is/was

"After our last/recent discussion, I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer continue this friendship.  I wish you nothing but the best.  Please do not contact me via phone, email, text, or skype as any attempt will not be answered. 
Thank you,
PastryGoddess"

There was an extinction burst that lasted for a couple of weeks, but it tapered out and they no longer bother me.

[Commander J Shepard]

I had to do this with a former couple.  If you have gmail, it's very easy to become a black hole.  You can set a filter to immediately delete all messages coming from her.  I also set up an automatic response that was only a couple of sentences long, so every time they contacted me, they would get the same message.  I changed it after 3 months or so.

My message is/was

"After our last/recent discussion, I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer continue this friendship.  I wish you nothing but the best.  Please do not contact me via phone, email, text, or skype as any attempt will not be answered. 
Thank you,
PastryGoddess"

There was an extinction burst that lasted for a couple of weeks, but it tapered out and they no longer bother me.

I find with that approach that it opens up for her questioning.. Like whhhyyyyy.. It doesn't sound like this person knows boundaries.

I think OP just continue to what your doing.

[PastryGoddess]

I didn't get any of those messages because they went straight into the trash    When they tried to get other people to contact me, I just stated I hadn't heard from them.

[gramma dishes]

I don't think you owe her a thing.  Why explain what is surely obvious?

I would just say "Please do not attempt to contact me again."  Then hang up or block her email address or whatever it takes to insure that she can no longer reach you.

I would also think of the people you know in common and be VERY careful about what I revealed about my personal life to those people too.  News has a way of 'traveling'.

And Baby Moss should NOT be "approving" the men you choose to date.  She shouldn't come into any contact with them whatsoever unless and until you think you and your 'man' are quite serious and are considering marriage.  Only then would I introduce the two of them.  It would be important at that time to see how they get along with each other, but until then, no way!

[Drawberry]

This is one of the things that bothered FF the most: that it was/is a fling, and I was and am FINE with that, or what she called "a meaningless, tawdry interluuuuuude."   

How obnoxious!
She's imposing her own personal values onto you and that's unacceptable. You're not a chaste Juliet. You are a grown woman and have every right to control and own your body however you see fit. No one but and those you chose to involve in have a right to your sexual life choice.

[JenJay]

*snip*
what she called "a meaningless, tawdry interluuuuuude."   

To which you reply "And it was grrrrreat!" 

[Wordgeek]

We're getting a fair few reports on this thread.  My comments below:

Stay on topic.  The etiquette issue in this situation is how to end a friendship gracefully.  Wording on how to handle various responses would be helpful.

If the topic doesn't interest you, for *whatever* reason, don't read it.  Go elsewhere.

[finecabernet]

Question...if she stopped this judgmental behavior would you be willing to continue your friendship? I ask because one approach a friend took to cut off a friendship was to point out the behavior she disliked and tell the woman in a note "I cannot continue the friendship at this time," leaving the door open for a friendship if the woman's objectionable behavior stopped.

[donnamos2]

Cabernet: Yes, the main problem is that FF is so judgmental, but this isn't compartmentalized.  I've come to realize that everything that she does and talks about is permeated with judgment.  It took me a long time to realize it because she sugar-coats it with this very sweet-sounding faux concern, but it's all judgment, all the time. 

"Oh, Donna, I know XH was a manipulative cheater, but he's a great father." (Uh, no.)
"Oh, Donna, I know you were recruited for a better job, but then you'll earn more than XH and you know what they say about that and family dynamics..." (There are no longer any family dynamics re XH, so please.)
"Oh, Donna, you said that XH was willing to consider counseling this time - you can't give up on him." (Yeah, "willing to consider" really means "Never.")

I'm simplifying this, but that's really how she rolls, and after she pulled this latest stunt, making something sordid out of what was pretty fantastic, I realized that there is nothing at all redeemable about her.  I've opted to be a black hole, but she is still leaving messages that we "need" to talk.  Yeah, my life is NOT a democracy so she doesn't get a vote.

[Raintree]

She may "need" to talk, but you don't!!! Good riddance.

[Amava]

Cabernet: Yes, the main problem is that FF is so judgmental, but this isn't compartmentalized.  I've come to realize that everything that she does and talks about is permeated with judgment.  It took me a long time to realize it because she sugar-coats it with this very sweet-sounding faux concern, but it's all judgment, all the time. 

"Oh, Donna, I know XH was a manipulative cheater, but he's a great father." (Uh, no.)
"Oh, Donna, I know you were recruited for a better job, but then you'll earn more than XH and you know what they say about that and family dynamics..." (There are no longer any family dynamics re XH, so please.)
"Oh, Donna, you said that XH was willing to consider counseling this time - you can't give up on him." (Yeah, "willing to consider" really means "Never.")

I'm simplifying this, but that's really how she rolls, and after she pulled this latest stunt, making something sordid out of what was pretty fantastic, I realized that there is nothing at all redeemable about her.  I've opted to be a black hole, but she is still leaving messages that we "need" to talk.  Yeah, my life is NOT a democracy so she doesn't get a vote.

Oh my word.  She makes me sick. Tell her if she likes your soon-to-be-ex so much and thinks he is so wonderful, SHE can marry him and try to live with him. Preferably far, far away from where you live.

Oh wait... you asked for "graceful" ways.  I have to say that your description of your ex-friend doesn't make me feel very graceful though. :s  Congratulations for remaining polite with her!

You owe her nothing. I would message her one more time to tell her there is no "we" who need to talk. But if you want to be "black hole", that is fine, too.

[bopper]

I would keep ignoring her and if you do end up talking to her you could say "Friend, you and I seem to have very different outlooks on life, specifically, how I live my life.  You are entitled to your opinions, but has gotten to the point where I dread talking to you because of your judgments. No matter how hard you try, I will not live my life the way you want. So I am asking you to back off since neither of us is bringing any joy to the other."

That being said, make sure you are avoiding her for the right reasons, and not just because she is saying things you don't want to hear.

[GrammarNerd]

"You've made it clear that you think I should live my life a certain way, and it seems to cause you great distress when I won't do that.  But how I live my life is none of your concern, and frankly, your judgmental attitude is getting really old.  So I'm going to make it easy for you so you won't be distressed about my decisions.  Please don't contact me anymore."

[Twik]

Ah. So, it sounds like, for whatever reason, she wants you and X back together. The outrage over the "interluuuuude" may be less moral and more about "You look like you're moving on! You can't move on! I forbid it! Get back to your X this minute!"