Author Topic: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?**UPDATE**  (Read 4027 times)

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joraemi

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DH let me know last week that BIL/SIL are coming for T-day  next week.  I haven't communicated with SIL at all about it, but that's not unusual as we don't communicate regularly. 

We are having 11 people over and the other guests are contributing to the meal. SIL has not offered to bring anything.

Can I send her a text to the effect of, "Hi!  So glad you can come to T-day! Would you mind bringing a salad?".

I wasn't sure if it was rude to do that since she hasn't offered.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2012, 05:24:45 PM by joraemi »




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MorgnsGrl

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2012, 05:47:02 PM »
I don't know -- it's family, so as long as you have a reasonably friendly relationship, I think it's okay. Thanksgiving is one of those holiday meals that *I* associate with being an everyone-contributes sort of thing.

Sharnita

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2012, 05:52:12 PM »
This is either DH's brother or his hister, right?  If it is his brother and wife I would have DH ask him to bring a salad. If it is his sister then he can ask her.  I wouldn't ask and I wouldn't have him ask a spouse.

KrisB

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2012, 05:53:16 PM »
It's family. I think you are okay to ask.

rose red

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2012, 05:57:02 PM »
This is either DH's brother or his hister, right?  If it is his brother and wife I would have DH ask him to bring a salad. If it is his sister then he can ask her.  I wouldn't ask and I wouldn't have him ask a spouse.

I agree with this.  If you are not close, your DH should be the one asking his sibling.

Zilla

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2012, 06:08:55 PM »
I agree with others, I would let your dh handle it. Only because you mentioned in the OP that it isn't unusual that you guys don't talk.

joraemi

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2012, 06:40:47 PM »
It's DH's brother and his wife. 

I would have DH ask his brother, but well, our husbands are not known for their ability make food arrangements, and I have a feeling there would be all kinds of follow up questions so I was hoping to just address SIL directly.  SIL and I *do* talk/text, etc, just not regularly/daily.  ie - she sent me a text a few weeks back - "Hey - anything special you want for your birthday?" - so we are friendly, we just don't have a lot in common that would inspire us to text/talk all the time, kwim?

I have a feeling that if I were to send a text with simply - "Hey - glad you can come for turkey day! we were thinking of around noon..." She'd respond with something along the lines of - "Me Too!  noon is good. Can I bring something?" - so...I guess I was just hoping to streamline the process.  lol

I suppose I could do a group text to her *and* BIL - stating that I'm glad they can come, give them the time, and ask if they would mind bringing salad?  Maybe that would be better as in the past many of our conflicts have been over their late arrival for family events only to find out SIL never communicated with BIL that they were actually supposed to be there at a specific time.

What do y'all think of that?

(EAT: corrected wording that indicated a generalization about men in general not being able to organize food plans!  ;))
« Last Edit: November 17, 2012, 12:10:10 PM by joraemi »




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AmethystAnne

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2012, 06:51:42 PM »
The group text to your BIL and SIL would be a good thing - each would get the same question/info from you at the same time and all of you would be on the same page.

Surianne

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2012, 07:47:52 PM »
Do you know for sure that she enjoys making salad, and that it's easy for her to transport it?  If not, I wouldn't ask her.  If you (or your husband) invited her without making that a condition of the invitation, or making it clear the invite is for a potluck, I think it's not really fair to throw that at her.

Jelaza

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #9 on: November 16, 2012, 08:11:11 PM »
I think Surianne is right with her post there.  It might be better to say something like "Hi!  So glad you can come to T-day!  If you would like to bring a dish, please let me know what you will be bringing."  Because unless your husband let you know that he asked his brother and SIL to bring something, it could seem like you're changing the invitation expectations.
« Last Edit: November 16, 2012, 08:13:15 PM by Jelaza »

Bijou

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #10 on: November 16, 2012, 08:21:55 PM »
There is something to be said for letting people know right off that it is sort of a potluck where people each contribute something. 
I see nothing wrong with saying, 'So glad  you're coming to our T day potluck.  We are providing the Turkey and dressing and others are bringing side dishes.  If you'd like to bring a salad, that would round out the menu."
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sparksals

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #11 on: November 16, 2012, 08:40:24 PM »
Are they local or do they have to travel to attend the dinner?

GrammarNerd

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #12 on: November 16, 2012, 09:12:57 PM »
How have other dinners/gatherings like this been handled?  Have people brought things?

I think there is somewhat of a pass for a family dinner such as this.  Even though it's technically hosted, for large family dinners for Tgiving or Christmas, I think in some circles it's commonplace for everyone to bring some sort of contribution.  Aunt Sally will make her famous pecan pie or Bob, who we know doesn't cook, brings the Hawaiian rolls because he loves them and it's easy for him to pick up a couple of packages.

So, like others have said, have your DH ask his brother if 'they' can bring something.  I don't think it would be out of line at all.

joraemi

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #13 on: November 16, 2012, 09:36:14 PM »
Do you know for sure that she enjoys making salad, and that it's easy for her to transport it?  If not, I wouldn't ask her.  If you (or your husband) invited her without making that a condition of the invitation, or making it clear the invite is for a potluck, I think it's not really fair to throw that at her.
She makes a wicked good salad with this awesome homemade dressing. ;)

Are they local or do they have to travel to attend the dinner?

They drive about an hour to get here.

How have other dinners/gatherings like this been handled?  Have people brought things?

I think there is somewhat of a pass for a family dinner such as this.  Even though it's technically hosted, for large family dinners for Tgiving or Christmas, I think in some circles it's commonplace for everyone to bring some sort of contribution.  Aunt Sally will make her famous pecan pie or Bob, who we know doesn't cook, brings the Hawaiian rolls because he loves them and it's easy for him to pick up a couple of packages.

So, like others have said, have your DH ask his brother if 'they' can bring something.  I don't think it would be out of line at all.

It is not unusual for us to bring things (food items) to each others' homes to contribute to the meal, even at times other than holidays.  ie: SIL requested I make a specific dish for the last gathering at their place - her favorite ice cream dessert that I make.

Thanks for all the input everybody!




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TurtleDove

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #14 on: November 16, 2012, 10:46:33 PM »
Sounds like this is resolved, and SIL is known for making salads and enjoying it.

I wanted to POD Surianne and others just in general though.  I am a generous person by nature and always want to contribute.  That said, I do not cook.  At all.  If I were asked to bring a salad I would stress about it and probably order one from a deli and then have people snark about how I didn't make it.  It makes me quite anxious to be asked to cook.  So, in general, if you want people to contribute, I think it's best to gently let them know everyone is expected to contribute and have them volunteer what they would like would like to bring.  As another poster suggested, I would be like the uncle who brough Hawaiian bread and copious quantities of delicious wine and chocolate.  Store bought, but probably far preferable to what would pass for "salad" in my estimation. :)  It is not a cheapness thing at all.  It is a function of "some people - and yes, some women - do not cook."