Author Topic: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?**UPDATE**  (Read 4088 times)

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sweetonsno

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #15 on: November 17, 2012, 12:43:06 AM »
For future reference, it's best to let someone know that you want them to bring something when you issue the invitation.

That said, because you know that she enjoys making salads and you are family, I don't think you'll be sent to eHell for making the request.

I'd ask your hubby to ask his brother or SIL, and be sure to mention how much you love the salad. "Joraemi has been waxing poetic about your scrumptilicious salad. Do you think (SIL) would be willing to bring one for Thanksgiving?

LeveeWoman

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2012, 12:50:42 AM »
Oh, for pity's sake. This is a kinswoman.

kareng57

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2012, 12:59:04 AM »
Do you know for sure that she enjoys making salad, and that it's easy for her to transport it?  If not, I wouldn't ask her.  If you (or your husband) invited her without making that a condition of the invitation, or making it clear the invite is for a potluck, I think it's not really fair to throw that at her.


I agree.  You don't know - maybe she just doesn't have a past history of large extended-family dinners, or an expectation that she needs to contribute.

And the contribution does need to be transport-friendly.  Things like some salads, or meringue-pies, do not travel well.  If she's stumped, something like a bean-salad might be a good bet.

Deetee

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #18 on: November 17, 2012, 02:08:08 AM »
The fact that this is common in your family and she has previously brought things and previously requested items be brought puts this firmly in the clear as a request to my mind.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #19 on: November 17, 2012, 07:53:31 AM »
The fact that this is common in your family and she has previously brought things and previously requested items be brought puts this firmly in the clear as a request to my mind.

POD to this. 

As an aside, it's interesting reading perspectives from everyone on topics that I would think so simple.  Because it would be common in my family and we know each others constraints or abilities to contribute when asking, I assumed the OP had taken that into considerations.  Others concern about her ability to cook, transport, or even the bait and switch invite didn't occur to me. 

The OPs comment about the brothers being men and therefore unable to communicate or organize is what threw me.  I found the comment off putting, but then again, when I call my sister to discuss meal planning for an event, she hands the phone over to her husband. 

rose red

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2012, 08:52:47 AM »
Just because she makes a wicked salad doesn't mean she enjoys making it.  However, since he requested that you bring a dish at her last dinner party*, I see no reason why you can't request the same with her

*did she ask for the ice cream dessert before or after the invitation?  Don't know if that might make a difference.

bloo

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #21 on: November 17, 2012, 09:19:11 AM »
The fact that this is common in your family and she has previously brought things and previously requested items be brought puts this firmly in the clear as a request to my mind.

POD to this. 

As an aside, it's interesting reading perspectives from everyone on topics that I would think so simple.  Because it would be common in my family and we know each others constraints or abilities to contribute when asking, I assumed the OP had taken that into considerations.  Others concern about her ability to cook, transport, or even the bait and switch invite didn't occur to me. 

The OPs comment about the brothers being men and therefore unable to communicate or organize is what threw me.  I found the comment off putting, but then again, when I call my sister to discuss meal planning for an event, she hands the phone over to her husband.

I agree that there are some interesting perspectives here.

Within our large social circle direct communication about one's wishes or expectations is not usually a problem as regards dinners or potlucks. While I'd be with Joraemi when it comes to the husbands because mine can hardly boil water (oh wait...he can...he makes french-pressed coffee) we've got several guy friends that do some or all of the cooking in their families.

My own perspective, imagining myself in a similar situation, is calling SIL and having a conversation. So much more is MIS-communicated by text than actually communicated. Just my $0.02, though.

joraemi

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #22 on: November 17, 2012, 10:53:47 AM »
The fact that this is common in your family and she has previously brought things and previously requested items be brought puts this firmly in the clear as a request to my mind.

POD to this. 

As an aside, it's interesting reading perspectives from everyone on topics that I would think so simple.  Because it would be common in my family and we know each others constraints or abilities to contribute when asking, I assumed the OP had taken that into considerations.  Others concern about her ability to cook, transport, or even the bait and switch invite didn't occur to me. 

The OPs comment about the brothers being men and therefore unable to communicate or organize is what threw me.  I found the comment off putting, but then again, when I call my sister to discuss meal planning for an event, she hands the phone over to her husband.

I agree to the bolded! You all have offered some thoughts and opiniosn that never would have crossed my mind.  I guess that's why I come here!

As per the comment about them being *men* and therefore unable to handle this - I thought about it after and realized I should have specified that it is specifically *THESE* two men who can't seem to navigate arrangements when it comes to food - presumably because they aren't the ones preparing it - but SIL and I always blame it on that Y chromosome!  I apologize if anyone out there, especially the e-gentlemen, took offense to that comment - it was not meant as a generalization, even though I know that's exactly how it looks!  :P

(I always think I'm "safe" when posting online becasue I have the opportunity to read/edit anything before I put it out there and can double check to make sure I haven't inadvertently worded something poorly, and then I make a comment like that without thinking and realize - not so much!! :()




Courage is the price life  exacts for granting peace.  ~Amelia Earhart~

O'Dell

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #23 on: November 17, 2012, 01:13:16 PM »
Oh, for pity's sake. This is a kinswoman.

Heh...I'm thinking the same thing. One thing I haven't seen pointed out yet (apologies if I missed it)...if you don't let them know about bringing a dish, how awkward will she/they feel showing up empty-handed? With the history of her contributing her salad and the awkwardness of being the only one not to know to bring something, not asking could cause some hurt feelings too. Following etiquette too strictly in less formal relationships can be harmful just as eschewing etiquette rules in other relationships.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman

joraemi

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?
« Reply #24 on: November 17, 2012, 05:09:32 PM »
**UPDATE**

Problem solved!

  I had reason to send SIL a quick text today and ended with "See you Thursday!".  When she replied she said, "What can I bring?".   ;D




Courage is the price life  exacts for granting peace.  ~Amelia Earhart~

MorgnsGrl

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Re: Can I request she bring something if she hasn't offered?**UPDATE**
« Reply #25 on: November 17, 2012, 05:45:37 PM »
Yay!!!