Author Topic: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...  (Read 4845 times)

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bonyk

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Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« on: November 18, 2012, 08:12:40 AM »
We're hosting thanksgiving this year.  My in-laws will be attending.  Although we live about 10 minutes away, we see them about 4-5 times a year.  When we do see them, MIL and FIL tend to go overboard disciplining my DD.  She's a remarkably well-behaved toddler, and is not used to having people constantly telling her, "No!," in a stern voice.  Also, she is allowed to do most of what they tell her she cannot do (ie. climbing over the arm of the sofa).  As a result of this, DD really isn't too fond of them, and it's starting to show.

If they start again, I'd like to say in a very cheerful, breezy voice, "Oh, guys, don't worry about disciplining DD.  Just focus on spoiling her!" 

Does that sound pleasant/okay?  If that doesn't work, I guess I'll have to go a bit more forceful, which I don't mind doing,.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2012, 08:28:26 AM »
We're hosting thanksgiving this year.  My in-laws will be attending.  Although we live about 10 minutes away, we see them about 4-5 times a year.  When we do see them, MIL and FIL tend to go overboard disciplining my DD.  She's a remarkably well-behaved toddler, and is not used to having people constantly telling her, "No!," in a stern voice.  Also, she is allowed to do most of what they tell her she cannot do (ie. climbing over the arm of the sofa).  As a result of this, DD really isn't too fond of them, and it's starting to show.

If they start again, I'd like to say in a very cheerful, breezy voice, "Oh, guys, don't worry about disciplining DD.  Just focus on spoiling her!" 

Does that sound pleasant/okay?  If that doesn't work, I guess I'll have to go a bit more forceful, which I don't mind doing,.

That sounds good to me.

I understand why you don't see them more than you do if this is how they behave.

QueenofAllThings

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2012, 08:31:58 AM »
I think that sounds fine. They come from a different generation and may be worried about her hurting herself.  You can also say "Oh, she's fine. She likes to explore and we've put away all the sharp objects!"

That being said, you can say this is YOUR home.  In THEIR home, climbing on furniture may not be allowed.

Sharnita

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2012, 08:35:53 AM »
I think Queen makes a good point.  IN this case it sounds like you are planniing on them being in your home.  I don't know if you ever visit their home but to some extent things change a bit there.  They can reasonably tell her they don't want her going over the arm of the sofa and various other things. 

mechtilde

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2012, 08:36:54 AM »
Would it work if you went from the approach of saying that you are concerned that your DD may become confused about what she is/isn't allowed to do? That you understand that they are concerned about her, but that she's getting mixed messages and that's going to make her behaviour worse.   
NE England

Roe

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2012, 08:37:17 AM »
Sounds good to me if this is in your home and by your OP, I assume it is.

If they continue correcting her, I'd be a bit more forceful.

"She's fine" with a pointed look.  Or "she's allowed to do that" again with a pointed look. 

I hope they get the hint the first time. 

bonyk

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2012, 08:39:23 AM »
That being said, you can say this is YOUR home.  In THEIR home, climbing on furniture may not be allowed.

Oh, yeah, that's definitely an at home rule.  She's not allowed to climb on anybody else's couch and she knows it.

SleepyKitty

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2012, 09:20:27 AM »
When they come over, instead of having to always tell the what DD can do (in other words, having to stick your head in the living room every five minutes to head them off), why not just tell them what she can't do? Since she's well-behaved, there's probably only two or three behaviors they need to watch out for in the amount of time they will be seeing her. So you could say something like,

"Oh, just a head's up! DD is not allowed to set the cat on fire or pawn the TV, but anything else is fine. Thanks!"

Then, if you hear them scold her, you can pop in and say, "Oh no, was DD trying to pawn the TV again?" And if they say no, she was trying to set up a lemonade stand, then you can smile and say in a friendly, puzzled voice: "Oh, DD is not allowed to set the cat on fire or pawn the TV, but everything else is fine. Thanks!" (Yes, repeat the exact same phrase.)

AmethystAnne

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2012, 09:42:31 AM »
I POD what SleepyKitty has suggested.

cicero

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2012, 09:53:05 AM »
When they come over, instead of having to always tell the what DD can do (in other words, having to stick your head in the living room every five minutes to head them off), why not just tell them what she can't do? Since she's well-behaved, there's probably only two or three behaviors they need to watch out for in the amount of time they will be seeing her. So you could say something like,

"Oh, just a head's up! DD is not allowed to set the cat on fire or pawn the TV, but anything else is fine. Thanks!"

Then, if you hear them scold her, you can pop in and say, "Oh no, was DD trying to pawn the TV again?" And if they say no, she was trying to set up a lemonade stand, then you can smile and say in a friendly, puzzled voice: "Oh, DD is not allowed to set the cat on fire or pawn the TV, but everything else is fine. Thanks!" (Yes, repeat the exact same phrase.)
i like this

and i do have to ask - is your DH on board with you? becauce if not, this is not going to work and will most likely make things worse for your DD who will be hearing all sorts of mixed messages.

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mbbored

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #10 on: November 18, 2012, 11:16:39 AM »
I'd suggest saying something the first time they attempt to discipline your daughter. "PIL, I really appreciate your concern for DD, but please let DH and I be the parents here and leave the disciplining to us. In our house DD is allowed to climb on furniture/set fire to the cat. Please just sit back and enjoy the holiday." Then I'd try to make sure that you or your DH have half an eye on her at all time to cut off any more attempts to discipline.

snowdragon

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2012, 02:25:32 PM »
     If they are sitting on the couch while she is trying to climb over it - it may be time to say 'Not while someone's sitting there"  - They may be worried about her getting hurt - or getting hurt themselves. Injuries that are no big deal at her age or yours can be a very big deal as one ages.  Her energy might just scare them.
    Also, even if it is in your house - their rules apply to their stuff. So while you might  let her play dress up in your coat or go through your purse ( not saying you do but just for instance) they do not have to allow it.
     

Sharnita

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #12 on: November 18, 2012, 02:29:52 PM »
I would be cautious about the wording, too.  Some people would not react well to being asked, even in jest, to "spoil" somebody's child.

bonyk

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2012, 03:08:57 PM »
     If they are sitting on the couch while she is trying to climb over it - it may be time to say 'Not while someone's sitting there"  - They may be worried about her getting hurt - or getting hurt themselves. Injuries that are no big deal at her age or yours can be a very big deal as one ages.  Her energy might just scare them.
    Also, even if it is in your house - their rules apply to their stuff. So while you might  let her play dress up in your coat or go through your purse ( not saying you do but just for instance) they do not have to allow it.

Yes, I totally agree with this.  I assure you we are not talking about any of this.

When they come over, instead of having to always tell the what DD can do (in other words, having to stick your head in the living room every five minutes to head them off), why not just tell them what she can't do? Since she's well-behaved, there's probably only two or three behaviors they need to watch out for in the amount of time they will be seeing her. So you could say something like,

"Oh, just a head's up! DD is not allowed to set the cat on fire or pawn the TV, but anything else is fine. Thanks!"

Then, if you hear them scold her, you can pop in and say, "Oh no, was DD trying to pawn the TV again?" And if they say no, she was trying to set up a lemonade stand, then you can smile and say in a friendly, puzzled voice: "Oh, DD is not allowed to set the cat on fire or pawn the TV, but everything else is fine. Thanks!" (Yes, repeat the exact same phrase.)

Ah ha!  This is perfect!  Thanks!!!


MrTango

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #14 on: November 18, 2012, 07:24:49 PM »
Honestly, if they try to discipline her for doing something that you allow her to do, I'd feel free to correct them.

"Actually, [FIL/MIL], she is allowed to do that."

If they don't back off, you could switch to a more direct "[DH] and I will decide what our child is and is not allowed to do."

You need to establish that you and your DH are the parents, and (especially in your home) you and your DH are the ones who make the rules.