Author Topic: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...  (Read 4881 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #15 on: November 19, 2012, 08:55:15 AM »
I would intervene every single time I heard them say "no," and say, "she *is* allowed to do that."

And after the second one, I would say, "Please don't try to discipline my daughter when I am *right here.* If you think she's doing something wrong, feel free to come and get me."

And I might say as well, "I think DD would respond better if you didn't speak to her so sternly. Here, sweetie, come play in your room for a little while." And shut the door.

Zilla

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #16 on: November 19, 2012, 10:08:58 AM »
I am surprised your husband hasn't put a stop to this sooner.  I wouldn't tolerate anyone else overly disclipinging my children in my home like that.
 
I like Sleepykitty's suggestion or having your husband sit them down and say that he is the Father of your toddler and would appreciate if they would back off a bit.  Of course he can word it however he wants to key phrases are that it's coming from him and he is the Father. 

hobish

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #17 on: November 19, 2012, 05:59:53 PM »
When they come over, instead of having to always tell the what DD can do (in other words, having to stick your head in the living room every five minutes to head them off), why not just tell them what she can't do? Since she's well-behaved, there's probably only two or three behaviors they need to watch out for in the amount of time they will be seeing her. So you could say something like,

"Oh, just a head's up! DD is not allowed to set the cat on fire or pawn the TV, but anything else is fine. Thanks!"

Then, if you hear them scold her, you can pop in and say, "Oh no, was DD trying to pawn the TV again?" And if they say no, she was trying to set up a lemonade stand, then you can smile and say in a friendly, puzzled voice: "Oh, DD is not allowed to set the cat on fire or pawn the TV, but everything else is fine. Thanks!" (Yes, repeat the exact same phrase.)

I am not a parent, but i really like this, too. From a visitor's standpoint, i wouldn't know that a kid is or isn't allowed to climb on the furniture, open the china cabinet, drag toys all over the place, pawn the tv :) ... or if i am expected to be a guest or a villager, KWIM? This is perfect for setting straight where everyone stands in a polite and friendly, lighthearted way.
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Giggity

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #18 on: November 19, 2012, 06:01:42 PM »
If they start again, I'd like to say in a very cheerful, breezy voice, "Oh, guys, don't worry about disciplining DD.  Just focus on spoiling her!" 

I don't think spoiling children is a good idea, so I'd have to say this isn't the best redirection.
Words mean things.

Pippen

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #19 on: November 19, 2012, 08:48:14 PM »
I can almost hear my own mothers voice in the "No!". Slightly different situation as they weren't my kids, but my friends asked if I would mind looking after their wee ones during the back to work/daycare transition. It was quite lovely having them here but my mother would visit and try and assert her own views and the stern "No" was a particular favorite of hers, even when they weren't doing anything even remotely out of order. Basically I just straight out told her "You are not responsible for these children. I am. If there is a problem I will sort it out." She didn't like it but she did respect it.

Unless you are given a clear cut mandate to be involved in the discipline of a child you have no business operating outside the wishes of the parents.

SPuck

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #20 on: November 19, 2012, 11:03:06 PM »
"You are not responsible for these children. I am. If there is a problem I will sort it out."

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bonyk

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #21 on: November 20, 2012, 05:26:10 AM »
Thanks for the suggestions! 

DH confronting his parents (even casually) is not going to happen.  He was raised to never, ever upset mother.  And mother gets upset so very easily!  I'm trying to show him that there are ways to tell people what you want without letting things simmer until you explode, which is his current go-to strategy for his parents.

Zilla

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #22 on: November 20, 2012, 08:23:49 AM »
Thanks for the suggestions! 

DH confronting his parents (even casually) is not going to happen.  He was raised to never, ever upset mother.  And mother gets upset so very easily!  I'm trying to show him that there are ways to tell people what you want without letting things simmer until you explode, which is his current go-to strategy for his parents.

Well then if he refuses to do this, then you will have to protect your daughter.  If your gentle hints don't work, remove your daughter and go to another room till your husband steps up to the plate.  I can't believe he rather let his daughter get bullied by his parents than ask them nicely to please leave the parenting up to you guys.

hobish

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #23 on: November 20, 2012, 11:33:46 AM »
I can almost hear my own mothers voice in the "No!". Slightly different situation as they weren't my kids, but my friends asked if I would mind looking after their wee ones during the back to work/daycare transition. It was quite lovely having them here but my mother would visit and try and assert her own views and the stern "No" was a particular favorite of hers, even when they weren't doing anything even remotely out of order. Basically I just straight out told her "You are not responsible for these children. I am. If there is a problem I will sort it out." She didn't like it but she did respect it.

Unless you are given a clear cut mandate to be involved in the discipline of a child you have no business operating outside the wishes of the parents.

Sure, until the kid climbs on the furniture, falls and gets hurt, and then it is, "Why didn't you stop her? You're sitting right there!" There is no blanket answer for all kids, all parents, or all visitors, which is why SleepyKitty's wording is so good.
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JenJay

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #24 on: November 20, 2012, 11:44:27 AM »
Sounds good to me if this is in your home and by your OP, I assume it is.

If they continue correcting her, I'd be a bit more forceful.

"She's fine" with a pointed look.  Or "she's allowed to do that" again with a pointed look. 

I hope they get the hint the first time.

I agree with Roe. Make sure they understand that she actually is allowed to do whatever it is they're telling her not to do. That way the overall message is "You're mistaken in your attempts to discipline" and not "You're correct but I'll handle it." I think it's an important distinction.  ;)

LeveeWoman

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #25 on: November 20, 2012, 12:00:33 PM »
Thanks for the suggestions! 

DH confronting his parents (even casually) is not going to happen.  He was raised to never, ever upset mother.  And mother gets upset so very easily!  I'm trying to show him that there are ways to tell people what you want without letting things simmer until you explode, which is his current go-to strategy for his parents.

Your family is in for a lot of hurt, frustration and anger until he learns to stand up to his mother especially in your own home.

suzieQ

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Re: Does this pass? Heading off the PIL...
« Reply #26 on: November 20, 2012, 12:04:28 PM »
May I suggest an email? I was also raised to never, ever upset mother. I finally stood up to her about a very painful issue, but wasn't able to summon the strength to do it to her face. I emailed her and politely told her how I felt about the issue and asked her to not do it again. Worked beautifully. :)
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