The Re-Gifting Queen

[cicero]

I agree that you should just stop with the gfit exchange. I would find her behavior very hurtful.

You had the perfect opportunity to call her on it when she gave you something you'd given her - in a joking, sweet manner, of course.

It may be that (and this is hurtful, so I hope I'm wrong) that she does this because she can. That you are seen as accepting of it and that she perceives you as being at a lower economic level so somehow OK with or even grateful for her castoffs.

but what are we supposed to do with these kind of gifters? the people who give you castoffs/used things/regifts/cheap-broken things? we are always told that a gift is a gift and we are supposed to accept them gracefully and then do what we want with them. are we supposed to hand it back and say "no, thanks, i don't want your castoffs"? I am really trying to understand this because i've had this problem over the years - how *does* one deal with this kind of gifting?

[wallaby]

Wow that is really hurtful! 

I am in two minds about how I would deal with it though. My response is influenced by the fact that I do not exchange gifts with any of my close friends, as gifting is not part of our relationship. However I know that they exchange gifts with other friends and I don't feel slighted by this in any way.

My charitable thought is that maybe in her eyes your friendship transcends material gifting. Maybe her gifting habits with her other 'special' friends are based on reciprocating what they buy her (very expensive items). In other words, maybe her gifting habits are no reflection of how special/close your relationship is and rather reflect 'habits' she has got into with other friends.

A less palatable explanation is that you are, as she suggested, just not on her list of 'special' friends. You mention doing a lot for her and supporting her a lot. If she is normally a caring and supportive friend to you I would try to let it go. If she takes a lot more than she gives I would think of this as a wake-up call and potentially think about re-evaluating the whole friendship 

[MyFamily]

Just a consideration, but maybe she considers you to not be a special friend because for her, you are family?  It doesn't make it nicer what she is doing, but it may be an explanation. Especially if she is generally a good friend.

[Emmy]

She must be very unaware of how she comes off when she made the statement about shopping for her 'special' friends, knowing full well that she hasn't purchased you any gifts at that store.  Something that would bother me too and seems that she is pretty much saying you are not one of her 'special' friends.  I also have to wonder if she reciprocates with invitations, being a listening ear, and practical help.  If she's a giving person who reciprocates your friendship, my advise would be to drop the gift giving.  Others have pointed out that she may really value your friendship and consider you family and her explanation in the store about gifts for 'special' friends was just really clueless on her part.  If she's a user, it would be best to cut back on the friendship.

[buvezdevin]

  I did think of discussing non-presents with her but she can be a bit sensitive (of her own feelings).

Most people have at least some blind spots, but *friends* generally care for each others feelings, whether or not their own sensibilities are generally tender regarding their own feelings.

If RGQ is unwilling to hear your preference to stop gifting - and respect *your* feelings on the matter, that would (for me) be another point to consider in re-evaluating the relationship.

If *you* want to stop gift exchanges with RGQ, I think it worth discussing with her.  Her possible feelings on the matter do not pre-emptively trump your actual feelings.  And, she may surprise you pleasantly by her response.

When my feelings have been hurt by friends through carelessness or lack of thought, I have found in most cases that a discussion of related matters results in the friend's caring and acting to avoid further hurt.  In the few cases where my feelings were dismissed out of hand, or the other person felt their preference automatically trumped my feelings (over non-essential matters), I found that I was happier to gradually distance myself from that person.

[TootsNYC]

I may misunderstand the OP's concern, but - title aside - I don't think the re-gifting is what has her bothered.  Rather, it's that the friend made a point of explaining that she buys special gifts at special store for special friends, who she then named - knowing that OP is not on the list and has never received a gift from that store from RGQ.  The fact that the gifts RGQ has given OP are re-gifts is not the issue so much as the new-to-OP knowledge that RGQ makes a point of giving nicer gifts to others who are "special".

It's very much like going on and on about a big party for her friends in front of a friend that she didn't invite.

Only worse, because then she also labeled these people as her "special" friends. 


I think I might suggest that you bring it up to her. "I have something to discuss with you that's sort of delicate, and kind of subtle."

Describe the incident in the store, and ask her if she remembers saying that.

And then say, "I have realized that my feelings were really hurt--and that I haven't been able to just slough it off. It's affecting how I feel about you, and I realized that it isn't fair to you to seethe in silence. That you deserve to know that this has affected our friendship.
    "I realized, when you started listing off all your "special friends," that no one in my family has ever once received a 'purchased from scratch' present. We receive gift hampers that companies sent you at work--once I received back a present I had given you myself.
     "We never really gave it that much thought--we just thought you didn't really 'do' presents. Until last Thursday, when you started listing all your "special friends" for whom you always buy expensive present from That Store. And I wasn't on the list. That's what really stung--not only to learn that you *can* be bothered to choose and spend money on present for other people, but also to learn that you consider those people to be special, and that you think it's important to show them that by carefully selecting presents just for them.
   "Not only do I get castoffs that aren't even particularly suited for me, which makes me think you never spend any thought about me. But you clearly didn't think anything about telling me in a roundabout way that I'm not as special as those people.
    "It really hurt. I've always thought of you as an extra special friend of mine, and it hurt to discover that our friendship is so incredibly one-sided. And that you apparently don't care if I know it."

[Aria]

I think I might suggest that you bring it up to her. "I have something to discuss with you that's sort of delicate, and kind of subtle."

Describe the incident in the store, and ask her if she remembers saying that.

And then say, "I have realized that my feelings were really hurt--and that I haven't been able to just slough it off. It's affecting how I feel about you, and I realized that it isn't fair to you to seethe in silence. That you deserve to know that this has affected our friendship.
    "I realized, when you started listing off all your "special friends," that no one in my family has ever once received a 'purchased from scratch' present. We receive gift hampers that companies sent you at work--once I received back a present I had given you myself.
     "We never really gave it that much thought--we just thought you didn't really 'do' presents. Until last Thursday, when you started listing all your "special friends" for whom you always buy expensive present from That Store. And I wasn't on the list. That's what really stung--not only to learn that you *can* be bothered to choose and spend money on present for other people, but also to learn that you consider those people to be special, and that you think it's important to show them that by carefully selecting presents just for them.
   "Not only do I get castoffs that aren't even particularly suited for me, which makes me think you never spend any thought about me. But you clearly didn't think anything about telling me in a roundabout way that I'm not as special as those people.
    "It really hurt. I've always thought of you as an extra special friend of mine, and it hurt to discover that our friendship is so incredibly one-sided. And that you apparently don't care if I know it."

I think this is perfect.

[rabbit_woman]

This kind of thing is EXACTLY why i don't do gift giveing any more!

Why has my brother bought my cousin a really expensive DVD, whilst he has bought me a kids' cartoon book?
Why has he bought me a cartoon book when i gave him a list of classic titles i really wanted?
Why has my mum gone out and knowingly bought me an IDENTICLE shawl to the one my MIL got me last year, in a slightly different colour?
How come I have to buy a present for each of my three siblings AND their spouses and only get one present back, becasue it is a joint present from them and their spouse, to half the value, when i am the one living on a single income?
Even though the lady at work who got my name in the Sectret Santa asked me what i wanted, why did she buy me a bottle of red wine, which i don't drink?
My pals and I do a secret santa every year and are supposed to spend £10 on the gifts - the gift i got only cost £3 - how come!?

....... and on and on!

I spend too much time worryign about it and being upset about it so just do not participate at all any more, and i enjoy the festive season a lot more because of it!

xx

[RegionMom]

Not so much re-gifting, but levels of gifting-

For Christmas last year, my mom gave me a metal clip to put on your pan to act as a spoon rest (I already have one) and a black velcro trash bag for the back seat of a car (the one I have is better, with a tissue box and more pockets.)

Now, I live 1000 miles away, and visit once a year.  I make a point to find something related to her collection of item x.  Plus we follow her given in early November shopping request list, coordinating with my brothers.

My sisters-in-law received Lane Cedar chests. 

"Well, they have room in their cars since they live close by.  You have a long way to travel.  I had to find small gifts."  (giftcards, perhaps?!)

Nevermind.

Guess what my in-laws passed on to me this summer when they downsized?  A long lost very nice Lane Cedar chest.



I heart my in-laws.  I did not even tell them about Christmas.  They just knew...me!!

[Syfygeek]

I have a re-gifter and we joke about it, but we love him! He gets really expensive gifts from people that don't know him well. The last re-gift he gave me has his initial, but I'm okay with a sterling silver Tiffany ink pen with any initial!

OP, i think my feelings would be hurt. If everyone's treated the same, it makes it an adventure, but when there's different levels, it hurts.

(And, RegionMom, I didn't care that my mom got me a Snuggie for Christmas, until my sister told me mom bought her a new set of tires.)

[RegionMom]

Thanks, Syfygeek! 

This year we are staying home (DS recently was laid off, and not going is so much nicer!)  so the gifts will have to be done by mail.  At least mom does catalouge orders through the mail, so I stand a chance of getting something ok. 

The kids have learned to "grin and bear it" and to say "thank-you" no matter what. 

Just makes for amusing tales for friends. 

In fact, one friend suggested that I keep the extra clip-on spoon holder thing for this year's White Elephant gift exchange that a group I am in does every year.  So, I saved it, and with a few other things I have squirreled away, I am all set!  No shopping = money savings!  So, thanks, mom! 

[O'Dell]

Just a consideration, but maybe she considers you to not be a special friend because for her, you are family?  It doesn't make it nicer what she is doing, but it may be an explanation. Especially if she is generally a good friend.

I've heard this argument before when I was on the receiving end of such treatment. While I might understand it intellectually, my heart just doesn't. Maybe it's just a personal quirk of mine, but I've found I can't get over it.

If I said anything at all, I'd tell ReGifter what I understood her comment to mean and that my feelings were hurt by that. And I'd suggest that maybe we should just stop with the gift exchange. I'd definitely give her a chance to respond. Maybe she has a good explanation for it. Or maybe not. But I'd give her the chance unless I were getting the same message from her other actions.

It's not too late. You can catch her at a quiet private time, say over coffee just the 2 of you. "The other day when we were discussing gifts to your other friends..." If you do that, then decide what you want before speaking to her. It wouldn't be out of line to insist on no gifts until a later time when you are feeling better about the relationship. Up to you about including her in family occasions or not.

[Isisnin]

Thanks to all who have replied.  Yes, its not the re-gifting especially, as I said we always laughed it off as her quirky behaviour and although I did think it odd at times I never got upset about it until the lunch incident.   I think I may be put in the "I don't have to impress" basket, which in a way is ok with me, but nonetheless a bit hurtful as I always assumed she did this to everyone else. And its not something I would ever ask anyone else about even though I know some of these other friends quite well.  I did think of discussing non-presents with her but she can be a bit sensitive (of her own feelings).

Another way to discontinue exchanging gifts, and maybe find out more about her "gift reasoning", is pretend that you think you're one of the "special friends" by saying that you consider her a good friend and so she needn't spend so much money on you. Put the ball in her court to explain to you that she doesn't spend money on your gifts and that you're not a "special friend". 

If she doesn't "correct your misconceptions" and just agrees to end the gift exchange, that's good too.

Regarding being in the "don't need to impress" basket, I've got a "friend" that treated me that way too.  The issue is not that she tried to impress others and not me.  The issue is that she sometimes treated me rudely - even very rudely - even in front of others. 

I started calling her on it (sometimes passive-aggressively like the above suggestion, sometimes directly telling her she was rude which she pretty much always denied).  End result, it worked pretty well.  For awhile you could practically see her catching herself on the edge of rudeness, but she'd catch herself.  Now she slips occasionally in a minor way, but I let it pass. 

My friend lives in the neighborhood so just dropping her would not have been a good solution.  Too many mutual friends/see around situations. 

what about your "friend"?  Any other rude instances now that you think about it?  sounds like you have mutual friends, so maybe retraining is called for??

[Minmom3]

Not so much re-gifting, but levels of gifting-

For Christmas last year, my mom gave me a metal clip to put on your pan to act as a spoon rest (I already have one) and a black velcro trash bag for the back seat of a car (the one I have is better, with a tissue box and more pockets.)

Now, I live 1000 miles away, and visit once a year.  I make a point to find something related to her collection of item x.  Plus we follow her given in early November shopping request list, coordinating with my brothers.

My sisters-in-law received Lane Cedar chests. 

"Well, they have room in their cars since they live close by.  You have a long way to travel.  I had to find small gifts."  (giftcards, perhaps?!)

Nevermind.

Guess what my in-laws passed on to me this summer when they downsized?  A long lost very nice Lane Cedar chest.



I heart my in-laws.  I did not even tell them about Christmas.  They just knew...me!!

Some of the older ones are A LOT nicer than the newer ones.  You have nice IL's.  When my MIL died, my FIL handed out her cedar chests to all his DIL's.  She had a few of them....  I got a very nice one that sits at the bottom of my bed.  I love it.  Too bad your Mom can't be bothered.  I think it's a wise idea to stop gift exchanges when all they do is slap you in the face that you're not worth thought or money, when you put both into the gift you send out.  Continuing on that kind of lopsided situation just causes more hurt and anger.

[jayhawk]

Not so much re-gifting, but levels of gifting-

For Christmas last year, my mom gave me a metal clip to put on your pan to act as a spoon rest (I already have one) and a black velcro trash bag for the back seat of a car (the one I have is better, with a tissue box and more pockets.)

Now, I live 1000 miles away, and visit once a year.  I make a point to find something related to her collection of item x.  Plus we follow her given in early November shopping request list, coordinating with my brothers.

My sisters-in-law received Lane Cedar chests. 

"Well, they have room in their cars since they live close by.  You have a long way to travel.  I had to find small gifts."  (giftcards, perhaps?!)

Nevermind.

Guess what my in-laws passed on to me this summer when they downsized?  A long lost very nice Lane Cedar chest.



I heart my in-laws.  I did not even tell them about Christmas.  They just knew...me!!

Snarky Jayhawk wants to know if you told your mom about the beautiful and thoughtful gift you received from your PIL??? Down, Snarky Jayhawk, down!!!