The Re-Gifting Queen

[Bijou]

She may spend more on your family than on her other individual friends, and maybe the truth is that she does have to stay within a budget. 
Her comment about special friends and her careless re gifting are another matter and I would approach stopping the gift exchange.

[Eeep!]

I think I might suggest that you bring it up to her. "I have something to discuss with you that's sort of delicate, and kind of subtle."

Describe the incident in the store, and ask her if she remembers saying that.

And then say, "I have realized that my feelings were really hurt--and that I haven't been able to just slough it off. It's affecting how I feel about you, and I realized that it isn't fair to you to seethe in silence. That you deserve to know that this has affected our friendship.
    "I realized, when you started listing off all your "special friends," that no one in my family has ever once received a 'purchased from scratch' present. We receive gift hampers that companies sent you at work--once I received back a present I had given you myself.
     "We never really gave it that much thought--we just thought you didn't really 'do' presents. Until last Thursday, when you started listing all your "special friends" for whom you always buy expensive present from That Store. And I wasn't on the list. That's what really stung--not only to learn that you *can* be bothered to choose and spend money on present for other people, but also to learn that you consider those people to be special, and that you think it's important to show them that by carefully selecting presents just for them.
   "Not only do I get castoffs that aren't even particularly suited for me, which makes me think you never spend any thought about me. But you clearly didn't think anything about telling me in a roundabout way that I'm not as special as those people.
    "It really hurt. I've always thought of you as an extra special friend of mine, and it hurt to discover that our friendship is so incredibly one-sided. And that you apparently don't care if I know it."

While I think I would be really tempted to just stop inviting her to things/going to lunch with her etc., I think that the advice above is probably best, as tough as it might be.  If you really do value the friendship, then it is worth not losing over this issue. Or, at least getting a better handle on what the friendship actually is.

I would find this whole thing so incredibly hurtful though, I'm not sure what sort of explanation would help, if I'm honest. The fact that a friend would actually refer to other friends as "special" and not include me in that group would really seem to tell me a lot about her opinion of me. But I would at least want to hear what her reasoning is. Although just sitting here I can think of very few explanations that would make things OK.

[Bookgirl]

She may spend more on your family than on her other individual friends, and maybe the truth is that she does have to stay within a budget. 
Her comment about special friends and her careless re gifting are another matter and I would approach stopping the gift exchange.

It doesn't sound like she's spending anything at all on the OP's family.  Their gifts are either freebies that she's gotten through work or things from around her house.  She's not spending money on them at a store and she doesn't seem to be spending a lot of thought on them either. 

[Venus193]

I also recommend ending any gift exchanges with this woman.  Whether you want to keep the friendship is another question.

[Emmy]

If she doesn't want to stop the gift exchange, maybe use this as an opportunity to give her something you don't want or use (at least that's Evil Emmy's idea).  I certainly wouldn't put forth any more time, expense, or effort.

[VorFemme]

Have you thought about re-gifting her the gift that she re-gifted you after you gave it to her in the first place?

Snarky and Evil suggested re-wrapping it in the original paper, if you still have it.  But admit that this is not always possible.....it's been unwrapped twice, after all.

Snarky and Evil VorFemme kibitz a lot.....

[GrammarNerd]

Have you thought about re-gifting her the gift that she re-gifted you after you gave it to her in the first place?

Snarky and Evil suggested re-wrapping it in the original paper, if you still have it.  But admit that this is not always possible.....it's been unwrapped twice, after all.

Snarky and Evil VorFemme kibitz a lot.....

At this point, what do you have to lose?  Really?  Face it....your impression and opinion of her and your friendship has been altered by her careless comments and actions.  Even if you laid it all out there and she apologized, you'd still probably wonder if she was sincere or if she just apologized b/c she'd been 'caught'. 

Call me cynical, but I just can't imagine that she'd be that careless with a close friend.  (And by close friend, I mean that if I'd spent important holidays with that friend and her family, I'd consider her a close friend.)  Or that she'd continue to gift you and your family with nothing but re-gifts.  I mean, if I care about someone, I get a charge out of choosing something that I think that person will like.  I get excited to see their reaction.  I WANT to buy them something they like, that they want.  Regifting, especially something that she'd given you before, says that she really just doesn't care.  Either for you, or just in general. But regardless she just doesn't care for your friendship at the level that you care for hers. 

Mourn it.  But I wouldn't try to talk to her about it.  Really, what would be the point?  Either she'd deny it, or she'd get angry.  Or she'd try to pin the 'blame' on you and make you look bad for expecting more from her.  Nothing would be accomplished except for making you feel bad.  View her comments as the last gift that she gave you  (to clue you in to her perceived level of friendship), and scale back the friendship to the level that SHE apparently perceives....that of non-special friends.  (Which doesn't involve financial  outlays of any amount for Christmas or birthdays, or special invitations to spend holidays with your family.)

[jedikaiti]

I may misunderstand the OP's concern, but - title aside - I don't think the re-gifting is what has her bothered.  Rather, it's that the friend made a point of explaining that she buys special gifts at special store for special friends, who she then named - knowing that OP is not on the list and has never received a gift from that store from RGQ.  The fact that the gifts RGQ has given OP are re-gifts is not the issue so much as the new-to-OP knowledge that RGQ makes a point of giving nicer gifts to others who are "special".

It's very much like going on and on about a big party for her friends in front of a friend that she didn't invite.

Only worse, because then she also labeled these people as her "special" friends. 


I think I might suggest that you bring it up to her. "I have something to discuss with you that's sort of delicate, and kind of subtle."

Describe the incident in the store, and ask her if she remembers saying that.

And then say, "I have realized that my feelings were really hurt--and that I haven't been able to just slough it off. It's affecting how I feel about you, and I realized that it isn't fair to you to seethe in silence. That you deserve to know that this has affected our friendship.
    "I realized, when you started listing off all your "special friends," that no one in my family has ever once received a 'purchased from scratch' present. We receive gift hampers that companies sent you at work--once I received back a present I had given you myself.
     "We never really gave it that much thought--we just thought you didn't really 'do' presents. Until last Thursday, when you started listing all your "special friends" for whom you always buy expensive present from That Store. And I wasn't on the list. That's what really stung--not only to learn that you *can* be bothered to choose and spend money on  put some thought into present for other people, but also to learn that you consider those people to be special, and that you think it's important to show them that by carefully selecting presents just for them.
   "Not only do I get castoffs that aren't even particularly suited for me and even my own gift to you returned, which makes me think you never spend any thought about me. But you clearly didn't think anything about telling me in a roundabout way that I'm not as special as those people.
    "It really hurt. I've always thought of you as an extra special friend of mine, and it hurt to discover that our friendship is so incredibly one-sided. And that you apparently don't care if I know it."

Just a minor couple of tweaks.

[Lindee]

I agree, she can spend Xmas and holidays with her "Special Friends".  Evil me would consider telling her I'm only exchanging gifts with my close friends in the future so she's off the list, but maybe you might be more diplomatic as long as the no gifts part is conveyed.

[Rusty]

Well, our lunch came around and I casually mentioned Xmas and asked where she would be spending it this year.  There was a pregnant pause and she said "aren't I coming to you".  So, I jokingly laughed and said "Gosh, I thought you'd be with one of your special friends, you know, the ones you spend heaps on.   Well, did she turn red and said "what are you talking about". So I said " Look L.... we've been friends forever so surely I can say that you hurt my feelings that day, and I reminded her.  She said I was being silly and of course she didn't mean to hurt me.  SO.....I casually mentioned that perhaps we could forget about presents from now on as it seems to be rather a chore finding things to buy for each other.  She definitely got the hint and looked very shamefaced.  I think that will be enough, I don't want to lose her as a friend, we've been friends forever.  But I also now intend to tell her we can't mind her dog anymore (its actually a pain), so that will be my next task. 

[Seraphine1]

Wow, Rusty - way to make a stand!

How did the rest of the lunch go after this was discussed? 

[Iris]

Wow, Rusty - way to make a stand!

How did the rest of the lunch go after this was discussed?

Pod. I'm impressed!

[buvezdevin]

(standing ovation)

You shared your (understandable) feelings, and did not make it confrontational.  Kudos!

[Venus193]

Excellent!

[Nora]

That was such a good update! Well done OP!