Thanksgiving Problem - What I Want vs. What I Should - Final Update #27

[BarensMom]

DH is working Thanksgiving and, since his employer is feeding him, has told me not to fix dinner.  That leaves me with two alternatives:  go to my nephew and his wife's house or take my SIL (from the drink thread) to a restaurant.  I have been invited to my nephew's house and have made no plans with SIL.  However, the past 2-3 years, DH and I have either taken dinner to SIL's apartment or have hosted her at a restaurant, so there may be an expectation on her part that we will do the same this year.

This year, I would rather go to my nephew's, but do not want to hurt my SIL's feelings.  DH says he will let her know he is working, but how do we explain that I won't be available to take her out on Thursday?

[siamesecat2965]

Has she actually asked about Thanksgiving plans? Or is she just assuming that you will do something with her, as you have in the past?  I think I'd let her know, politely, that it won't be possible for you and she to spend the day together as you have other plans.

[Outdoor Girl]

You've been issued an invitation.  Accept it and go to your nephew's.  You have no obligation to have dinner with your SIL, period, but especially not when your DH can't join you.

(Is this the woman who will take a drink from your glass or bottle, despite the fact that she has a communicable disease?  If I've got the right person, I don't know why you'd ever want to share a meal with this woman again.)

[Sharnita]

Well, it is a bummer that your DH has to work.  You wouldn't want to go to a restaurant and contribute to making somebody else work, right?  (just a thought)

[Luci45]

Well, it is a bummer that your DH has to work.  You wouldn't want to go to a restaurant and contribute to making somebody else work, right?  (just a thought)

I question that logic. Whether BarensMom goes to restaurant has nothing to do with the crew's working. They'll be there anyway and it's a big moneymaker for them. (Had to mention this! I so rarely disagree with Sharnita!)

For the OP: if that is the drink-snitching woman, it would be a no-brainer for me! Nephew's dinner. If not, I still think I would go with the nephew. You need to make no apologies to the SIL, or explanation. Just don't mention it. It would be very entitled of her to think that you automatically would host her, despite past behavior.

[BarensMom]

You've been issued an invitation.  Accept it and go to your nephew's.  You have no obligation to have dinner with your SIL, period, but especially not when your DH can't join you.

(Is this the woman who will take a drink from your glass or bottle, despite the fact that she has a communicable disease?  If I've got the right person, I don't know why you'd ever want to share a meal with this woman again.)

Yup, that's the one.

Her recent activities include a methadone overdose (she was found wandering around town by the PD and ended up in the hospital) and suddenly dropping trou and asking me to bandage the ulcer on her bottom in a Walmart restroom.

I have cut way back on the visits.  As far as the glass/bottle thing goes, I have been keeping my drinks far away from her.  The last time we went out, she had been to the methadone clinic for her dose and was totally out of it, to the point of nodding off into her pie.  I took her straight home after that, because I didn't want her passing out on me.

[Kaypeep]

Call her and say "DH is working TG and I'm not available to join you for dinner either, like last year.  I wanted to let you know in advance so that you're free to make alternative plans for the holiday.  We'll see you soon."

[BarensMom]

Call her and say "DH is working TG and I'm not available to join you for dinner either, like last year.  I wanted to let you know in advance so that you're free to make alternative plans for the holiday.  We'll see you soon."

Thankfully, DH will be making that call.  After all, it is his sister.

[FoxPaws]

What would create the least amount of drama: calling and telling her you aren't doing Thanksgiving since DH has to work? Or not saying anything and risking that she'll call on Thursday wanting to know what time you're picking her up?

I am assuming letting her know you've been invited elsewhere is a Very Bad Idea, so another factor is how comfortable you are with fudging about your actual plans should she ask what you're going to be doing.

Another option might be to call and offer to do something over the weekend instead of Thursday, if you're up for that. That way, she can't cry "neglected", just "postponed".

[Zilla]

There shouldn't be an expectation if your husband tells her, "Sister, I have to work on Thanksgiving and wife is going to her nephew's for dinner...."
 
And done.

[DaDancingPsych]

I believe that etiquette says that you have no obligation to SIL, so you would be ok to accept nephew’s invitation. For the many reasons mentioned in this thread, I would call SIL and let her know that the “usual” is not occurring. But I wanted to add that if you do this another year, it only reinforces that dining with her is the standard/traditional plan. I think it’s easier to break these things sooner than later. Of course, you could invite her in future years, but why not eliminate her expectation of that.

[TootsNYC]

I have been invited to my nephew's house and have made no plans with SIL.  H

Call your SIL now and say, "DH is working, and I've been invited to my nephew's house, so I wanted to let you know right away that we won't be available to get together on Thanksgiving."

In a way, there is an etiquette obligation to accept social invitations unless you have previous plans. (any other reason would say, "I don't want tob e around you or accept your hospitality," and that's a rude message to send. That's why girls always had to wash their hair when the wrong guy asked them out.)

So, you can stop feeling guilty because your previous plans ARE your nephew.

Have a nice Thanksgiving!

[Deetee]

I agree that you should go to your nephew's for a nice dinner. If you feel that you should do something with your SIL, arrange with your hubby to do something on one of the days your hubby has off work.

[Luci45]

I see that you feel a bit like a caregiver or otherwise responsible for the SIL in some ways. I'm very sad for that, so have no more advice, just understanding and admiration.

[BeagleMommy]

Since your DH will be calling his sister anyway, he could say "BarensMom and I will not be available for Thanksgiving.  You will need to make plans for yourself.".  I don't see any need to tell her where you are going.

Enjoy your time at your nephew's.