Thanksgiving Problem - What I Want vs. What I Should - Final Update #27

[siamesecat2965]

Since your DH will be calling his sister anyway, he could say "BarensMom and I will not be available for Thanksgiving.  You will need to make plans for yourself.".  I don't see any need to tell her where you are going.

Enjoy your time at your nephew's.

I like this response. you don't know her or anyone details about your plans, simply that you have some, and will not be available.

[doodlemor]

It sounds like you have been extremely kind to SIL in the past, BarensMom.  You have already done much more for her than many others would have done, and put up with some very annoying and disgusting behaviors.

Your title made me feel bad for you.  You *shouldn't* feel guilty that you want some time away from this incredibly difficult person!  Stop that guilty thing.......... cut it out!  You needn't feel that you *should* always be available.  SIL is probably very resourceful when it comes to doing the anti-social things, and she is the only one who can really change herself.

The PP have all offered excellent suggestions on how to deal with Thanksgiving.  My only addition to their advice is to say that I don't think you or DH should tell SIL specifically where you are spending the holiday, or what time of day the dinner is. 

I don't know whether SIL would try to get an invitation to your DN's house, or would come to your house and try to tag along.  There have been many boundary pushing stories on here, though, enough that I would advise you to go to DN's house as early as you can - just in case.

[doodlemor]

I thought of another way that your DH could word his phone call. 

He could call her up *tonight* and say, "I'm just calling to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving since we won't be seeing you that day.  I have to work all day, and BarensMom has something going with some of her relatives."

If/when she states that she expected to be with you he need only say, "We're sorry that it won't work out this year, but I have to work."

If she questions what you are doing he can say that he isn't sure, and that you aren't there to tell him/her.  Since you are concerned about this, it would be nice if he did it tonight and got it over with.  It will also give SIL a chance to make alternate plans, if indeed she expected to spend the holiday with you.

[hobish]

Since your DH will be calling his sister anyway, he could say "BarensMom and I will not be available for Thanksgiving.  You will need to make plans for yourself.".  I don't see any need to tell her where you are going.

Enjoy your time at your nephew's.

I like this response. you don't know her or anyone details about your plans, simply that you have some, and will not be available.

Yes, good thinking, Beagle Mommy.
I just wanted to echo that you have been very kind to SIL. Do not feel guilty about wanting to have a holiday for yourself.

[rose red]

I just want to mention the title of this thread.  OP, you are not selfish and there's no "should" in Thanksgiving with SIL.  You should pay your bills, you should do your job, and you should look both ways before crossing the street, but this is not a *should* situation.

She is your DH's blood relative and if he is not at Thanksgiving, you are not responsible for entertaining her alone.  Go visit your family without any guilt.

[BarensMom]

Thanks, all.  I've confirmed plans with Nephew's wife and I'm stopping by Nation's for the pies (yum!) on my way up there.

I know I don't owe my SIL anything, in fact, I should be avoiding her like the plague.  She made my relationship with my PIL's very difficult when I was dating, engaged, and first married to DH.  A lot of the bad behavior could be directly attributed to her drug use, which my DH refused to put up with, so we were incommunicado for several years.

SIL has never been and will never set foot in our house.  We are not willing to trust her near our stuff, on the chance that she will steal or will tell her druggie friends what we have to steal.

She supposedly is now drug-free (except for the methadone treatment), so DH and I took the chance that there could be a family relationship.  DH is working constantly, so a bit of the burden has fallen on me.  I know that if DH were with me on visits, she would not display these behaviors, at least not the more egregious ones.  I am limiting these visits to once/month or less in the future, if only so I won't be asked to change the dressing again.  There are things one shouldn't see and my SIL's bottom is one of them.

[Phoebe]

  There are things one shouldn't see and my SIL's bottom is one of them.

Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd come upon!   

[Luci45]

Thanks, all.  I've confirmed plans with Nephew's wife and I'm stopping by Nation's for the pies (yum!) on my way up there.

So glad you  have your plans made and thinking about your needs! You are important!

Happy Thanksgiving! and Blessings.

[Lindee]

Well done. I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving with your Nephew.

[Mikayla]

ETA:  This is why one reads to the end.

I like the resolution of it!  And you have a year to think about what you want to do next Thanksgiving, even if just the 2 of you hang out.  With Baren, of course.

[BarensMom]

DH made the call, and he told me that SIL said that she doesn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere today.  I can't help but think she's being PA, but DH doesn't pick up on "tone."  Anyway, I don't care, I'm still going to nephew's.  The only thing I'm worried about is how PA Baren is going to be while I'm gone (nephew has a cat).

[JenJay]

I love when people are passive aggressive like this because it gives me the perfect out! If, in the future, she whines about being all alone on Thanksgiving you can look confused and say "But SIL, you told DH you didn't want to visit with anyone." 

[BarensMom]

Update:

SIL called and left me messages on both home and cell.  It consisted of "hope you're having a good Thanksgiving.  I'm staying home to treat all the wounds from falling down all those times this past year.  I hope I'm getting better." 

Otherwise, spent a nice normal Thanksgiving at nephews' eating and watching the Bond marathon.  Except for my sister (but that's another thread).

[Deetee]

Update:

SIL called and left me messages on both home and cell.  It consisted of "hope you're having a good Thanksgiving.  I'm staying home to treat all the wounds from falling down all those times this past year.  I hope I'm getting better." 

Translation: GUILT GUILT. Why aren't you begging me to spend time with you?

Advice: Take her PA Guilt trip and totally totally ignore it. She said she wanted to spend T-giving alone.

I'm glad you didn't cave to her whininess and had a nice T-giving.

[Twik]

Update:

SIL called and left me messages on both home and cell.  It consisted of "hope you're having a good Thanksgiving.  I'm staying home to treat all the wounds from falling down all those times this past year.  I hope I'm getting better." 

So you say, heartily, "Yes, I hope you're getting better, and will feel well soon."