MIL kept the gnocchi--I guess I can't get it back? UPDATE p. 4, post 46

[acicularis]

MIL told DH we had to buy the bread; I asked what the bread was for, and he said, "for the cold cuts." I'm thinking, "I didn't ask anyone to bring *cold cuts* to Thanksgiving dinner! Turns out it's for the prosciutto & cheese. I told DH, "you get that. I'm not involved." (and for the record--if you're going to bring a dish, I would like you to bring all of it.
   I also asked DH to ask her if she needed a dish or the oven. She said, "I'll just need to microwave it a little bit to warm it up."  The thing is, my microwave may not be available--I'm going to be using it as a convection oven, and I'm not sure it'll zap stuff until it has cooled down. So I'm going to send one of the insulted bags w/ DH and tell him to ask her to use that bcs of the microwave. (and that would be a big part of the reason why *I* wanted to make the gnocchi.

Sounds like dealing with my Mom! She always insists on bringing something I didn't want her to bring in the first place, and it always ends up making work for me. She needs stove, oven, counter, or microwave space right when I need it. (Nothing like being elbowed out of the way in your own kitchen so someone can take up an entire counter to prepare something you didn't want prepared.)  I have to find serving spoons, bowls, or a plate (which may already be in use for something else!), when I'm in the middle of putting the food on the table that I actually planned to serve.

[TootsNYC]

The last time I had a big gathering here was for a confirmation party. And I made a full mean (mini buffet versions) and lots of desserts--2 kinds of cookies, a cake, fruit.

The table was full.

Every one of the "aunts" who came brought dessert. And one aunt who couldn't come for the reception came to the church and handed off a box of cookies. She found out later that they hadn't been set out, and I heard that she was sort of miffed.

Ye gods! There was NOT physically enough room on the table!

[Joeschmo]

If you made it at her house, why would you expect to take it home?  Is there a backstory here I'm missing?

Well, I'd take it home because I made it. She was supposed to teach me how, so that I could make it.

And now you've been taught.  Why don't you just make another batch, and tell her to keep hers in the freezer?

Because that would create bad feeling.

It seems there already are bad feelings.

[AmethystAnne]

Navigating the minefield of touchy feelings that surround family dinners is tricky and requires all the patience of Job and wisdom of Solomon.

[Mikayla]

If you made it at her house, why would you expect to take it home?  Is there a backstory here I'm missing?

Well, I'd take it home because I made it. She was supposed to teach me how, so that I could make it.

And now you've been taught.  Why don't you just make another batch, and tell her to keep hers in the freezer?

Because that would create bad feeling.

It seems there already are bad feelings.

I don't agree with this.  It's not about bad feelings, and Toots just stated a few posts above that her MIL is a lovely person and they have a good relationship.  It's more about what boundaries need to be set, and when they get set.

Toots, I think you've figured this out already.  Your MIL is having a little trouble ceding her holiday role over to you.  I think once it's all over and you can look back, you'll see pretty clearly what needs to be stated more firmly next time, and what isn't a hill to die on. 

I, too, think the meal sounds awesome.  Lyonnaise potatoes!  Yum.

[TootsNYC]

Because that would create bad feeling.

It seems there already are bad feelings.

Yes, but those bad feelings aren't *that* severe (please don't make wild assumptions about a post on Etiquette Hell).

And they're on MY side, and I can figure out how to handle them.

[sourwolf]

Because that would create bad feeling.

It seems there already are bad feelings.

Yes, but those bad feelings aren't *that* severe (please don't make wild assumptions about a post on Etiquette Hell).

And they're on MY side, and I can figure out how to handle them.

No offense, but you've created at least 3 different threads about how your In laws are mucking up your Thanksgiving, so while I believe you that it's not that severe, I hardly think it's a "wild assumption" to say that there are already bad feelings. 

[Maggie]

Recently I had to fix dinner for 15 people and serve it.  I have a small kitchen and I fixed everything.  That's the background.

I also asked opinions of lots of people because I just needed to have the assurance what I was doing was ok.  I think Toots is doing the same thing.  She has stated the bad feelings if there are any are on her part.  I believe her.  I think she is going to make a fantastic meal and just needs reassurance from us that it will be ok.  She knows it will be but we all need reassurance sometimes.

[Bijou]

No offense, but you've created at least 3 different threads about how your In laws are mucking up your Thanksgiving, so while I believe you that it's not that severe, I hardly think it's a "wild assumption" to say that there are already bad feelings.

A disagreement in a family doesn't mean that there is a problem with the entire relationship.  Toots clearly said that her MIL is a pretty neat woman. 
Sometimes we just want to bounce things off of someone to see if there is another perspective we could be looking at.  It seems to me that is what is going on here and it's not a 'blasted MIL' thread.  (I don't mean to put words in your mouth, sourwolf, but we do get quite a number of threads about MIL problems).

[katycoo]

No offense, but you've created at least 3 different threads about how your In laws are mucking up your Thanksgiving, so while I believe you that it's not that severe, I hardly think it's a "wild assumption" to say that there are already bad feelings.

A disagreement in a family doesn't mean that there is a problem with the entire relationship.  Toots clearly said that her MIL is a pretty neat woman. 
Sometimes we just want to bounce things off of someone to see if there is another perspective we could be looking at.  It seems to me that is what is going on here and it's not a 'blasted MIL' thread.  (I don't mean to put words in your mouth, sourwolf, but we do get quite a number of threads about MIL problems).

There are certainly bad feelings from Toots over Thanksgiving.  She's clearly quite resentful that MIL is (possibly unintentionally) making things difficult.  I hope that things return to normal once the holidays are past.

Frankly though, the number of threads on the same topic, and excuses in respect to every suggestion are leading me to believe that since the OP is unwilling to make much of a stand, and is intending to just suck it up.  Which is fine, but it renders all these threads as 'woe is me' posts.

[Joeschmo]

Because that would create bad feeling.

It seems there already are bad feelings.

Yes, but those bad feelings aren't *that* severe (please don't make wild assumptions about a post on Etiquette Hell).

And they're on MY side, and I can figure out how to handle them.

I haven't made any 'wild assumptions'.  I've used your words that indicate distress on your part in your three posts about this topic to draw a logical conclusion that you have bad feelings about this situation.  I didn't say you hated MIL or a family feud was brewing I pointed out the feelings I observed from your post.  Indicating you feel like a child and feel you are being treated as a child are bad feelings. 

I also agree that they seem to be on YOUR side as indicated by your posts but I assumed (I now realize my mistake) that you would want feedback on a situation that has evolved into three posts.  When you post about it three times it seems that you may want help handling it but next time for your threads I'll stick to the direct question asked. 

So... I would just let her bring the gnocchi and appreciate her help and the family togetherness of the season.  If it makes you feel like they are more your own again to microwave them yourself tell her your using the microwave but will take care of the gnocchi reheating when you're done. 

[Minmom3]

So for some reason, we spoke again. And she asked, "are you going to do it buffet style?" And I said, "I don't think so," and she started to say something about how much room there would be (in the room, to walk around? on the tables?).

I didn't wait to hear, I just said, "Well, I'll figure it out." and got out of the call. Because, well, it was starting to feel pressure-y. Whether that was generated inside me, or outside me, I don't know.

But I do know that, as I said, I've learned something important about me. I don't do "co-hosting" well.

MIL told DH we had to buy the bread; I asked what the bread was for, and he said, "for the cold cuts." I'm thinking, "I didn't ask anyone to bring *cold cuts* to Thanksgiving dinner! Turns out it's for the prosciutto & cheese. I told DH, "you get that. I'm not involved." (and for the record--if you're going to bring a dish, I would like you to bring all of it.
   I also asked DH to ask her if she needed a dish or the oven. She said, "I'll just need to microwave it a little bit to warm it up."  The thing is, my microwave may not be available--I'm going to be using it as a convection oven, and I'm not sure it'll zap stuff until it has cooled down. So I'm going to send one of the insulted bags w/ DH and tell him to ask her to use that bcs of the microwave. (and that would be a big part of the reason why *I* wanted to make the gnocchi.


(Good point, sourwolf.)

This is a PRIME Freudian slip, isn't it?!  Hope your stress moderates soon, and the rels chill out, and the food is marvelous!

[TootsNYC]

Because that would create bad feeling.

It seems there already are bad feelings.

Yes, but those bad feelings aren't *that* severe (please don't make wild assumptions about a post on Etiquette Hell).

And they're on MY side, and I can figure out how to handle them.

No offense, but you've created at least 3 different threads about how your In laws are mucking up your Thanksgiving, so while I believe you that it's not that severe, I hardly think it's a "wild assumption" to say that there are already bad feelings.

"wanting to get advice" and "wanting to talk through a problem" is not the same as bad feelings.

[TootsNYC]

. . . excuses in respect to every suggestion are leading me to believe that since the OP is unwilling to make much of a stand, and is intending to just suck it up.  Which is fine, but it renders all these threads as 'woe is me' posts.

One thing I really don't like sometimes about EHell is the number of people agitating that the OP of various threads *should* "make a stand" and create a confrontation, etc.

And you think that getting some encouragement (which I have done from many of the comments here and on the others) is "woe is me"?

(and the only reason this is a third thread is that the mods took my gnocchi thread, which I intended to be about the etiquette of honoring family menus, etc., and moved it to the "Coffee Break" folder. I didn't want to just add on, because I didn't feel this belonged there.)

[katycoo]

. . . excuses in respect to every suggestion are leading me to believe that since the OP is unwilling to make much of a stand, and is intending to just suck it up.  Which is fine, but it renders all these threads as 'woe is me' posts.

One thing I really don't like sometimes about EHell is the number of people agitating that the OP of various threads *should* "make a stand" and create a confrontation, etc.

And you think that getting some encouragement (which I have done from many of the comments here and on the others) is "woe is me"?

(and the only reason this is a third thread is that the mods took my gnocchi thread, which I intended to be about the etiquette of honoring family menus, etc., and moved it to the "Coffee Break" folder. I didn't want to just add on, because I didn't feel this belonged there.)

I don't think you should do anything in particular. My point is that these are your options: take a stand or suck it up. You seem to be choosing suck it up (and I think many others in your position would do the same, probably including myself) so I'm not sure what you need encouragement with.  I personally find it difficult to support someone who has made a decision on how to respond to it, but persists in venting over a situation they have no intention of changing.