Author Topic: I'm not being pushy!  (Read 5950 times)

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Lady Snowdon

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I'm not being pushy!
« on: November 19, 2012, 06:56:23 PM »
My sister in law and her husband had a new baby girl about three weeks ago, and also have a two year old daughter.  I love holding both of them, talking to them, and just admiring how wonderful they are.  I frequently smile when I hold them or talk to them, because I'm naturally a fairly happy person, and because I think both girls are awesome and it makes me happy to interact with them.  This has caused my in-laws to make a LOT of comments about how wonderful it would be if my DH and I had kids.  This culminated yesterday, when the new baby was baptized.  DH and I are her godparents, so people asked to take pictures of us holding her.  SIL loudly said, "Oh, you guys look like your own little family!  Doesn't it just want to make you hold a baby of your own!".  Her husband looked at her and said, "Wow, don't you think you're being a little pushy?".  Her response was the thread title. 

Well, she is being pushy and I'm not really happy about it.  FIL has made several nasty comments to DH about being ashamed of him for not having kids yet.  MIL has commented that it'd be wonderful if we had kids, so SIL's kids "will have someone to play with as they get older".  It's like the whole family is in on it!  DH and I have discussed having kids, and have decided to wait another year or two.  I'd be a older mom, but right now having kids just isn't in the cards.  Next time someone starts bringing up these comments, what would be some good ways to respond?  This time I just smiled and said, "When someone else volunteers to pay for daycare so I can continue to work" and handed Baby Girl back to her parents for the service. 

QueenofAllThings

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2012, 07:00:33 PM »
Smile sweetly and say "We're still practicing"  >:D

Really, your only response is humor.

gramma dishes

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2012, 07:01:53 PM »

. . .    FIL has made several nasty comments to DH about being ashamed of him for not having kids yet.  ...

 :o  He really SAYS that?

That's a horrible thing to say to anyone.  How incredibly hurtful this would be if the two of you were struggling with fertility problems, especially if it were an inadequate swim team type problem!! 

I can't imagine why he would not just be incredibly proud that his son grew up to be self sufficient and a great guy!

weeblewobble

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2012, 07:15:27 PM »

. . .    FIL has made several nasty comments to DH about being ashamed of him for not having kids yet.  ...

 :o  He really SAYS that?

That's a horrible thing to say to anyone.  How incredibly hurtful this would be if the two of you were struggling with fertility problems, especially if it were an inadequate swim team type problem!! 

I can't imagine why he would not just be incredibly proud that his son grew up to be self sufficient and a great guy!

That's horrible.  I think I would offer to remedy FIL's "shame" by not seeing him anymore.

rose red

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2012, 07:23:23 PM »
That's horrible.  I think I would offer to remedy FIL's "shame" by not seeing him anymore.

But not before saying I'm ashamed of him.

nuit93

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2012, 07:24:47 PM »

. . .    FIL has made several nasty comments to DH about being ashamed of him for not having kids yet.  ...

 :o  He really SAYS that?

That's a horrible thing to say to anyone.  How incredibly hurtful this would be if the two of you were struggling with fertility problems, especially if it were an inadequate swim team type problem!! 

I can't imagine why he would not just be incredibly proud that his son grew up to be self sufficient and a great guy!

That's horrible.  I think I would offer to remedy FIL's "shame" by not seeing him anymore.

Me too.  That's beyond appalling.

JenJay

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2012, 07:27:15 PM »
That's horrible.  I think I would offer to remedy FIL's "shame" by not seeing him anymore.

But not before saying I'm ashamed of him.

No kidding! I can't imagine basing whether or not I was proud of my kids on their decision to procreate. Give me a break!

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2012, 07:30:36 PM »
They're going to keep pressuring you until they get something negative out of it.

I think that, when her husband said, "aren't you being pushy?" and she said, "I'm not being pushy!" You should have said, "actually, yes, you are, and we would really like you to knock it off."

DottyG

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2012, 07:32:28 PM »
This is the time when I really think I would honestly and bluntly tell them that your sex life is none of their business.  Because that's exactly what they're commenting on.


bloo

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2012, 07:40:32 AM »
If SILs DH had to question her right in front of you, then there was pushy intent, even if the question itself is not 'pushy'.

I'm appalled that your FIL is 'ashamed' of your DH for not having had kids yet.

I've encouraged my own children to wait for as long as possible to get married and shared with them the benefits of waiting to have kids or not having kids at all. This is due to how I interpret my own religious beliefs of how to live up to my dedication as regards that. Obviously we're trying to share that value system with our own kids.

They, so far, are agreeing that they will try to wait as long as possible to marry and may not have children but obviously life happens. I didn't want kids and I've got two I dearly love.

So if my kids give me grandkids I will inwardly be a little disappointed - at first (that's how I felt when I found out I was pregnant the first time), but will stuff it and go into full-on, grandkid-spoiling mode.

OP, your FIL should mind his own business and be happy for whatever he has. His son is alive, well and a good person. I am so sorry that your FIL has managed to convey feelings of shame to you and your DH for your personal choices in this matter.

You'll be given several, excellent suggestions of what to say, but will your FIL respect them? If he doesn't then I'm sorry to say that 'distance' will be your friend.

ClaireC79

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2012, 08:19:07 AM »
Have to say SIL's question, by itself, to me is not pushy.  If she'd carried on it would have been but just that comment, I think she stayed just this side of pushy

O'Dell

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2012, 10:24:02 AM »
 SIL loudly said, "Oh, you guys look like your own little family!  Doesn't it just want to make you hold a baby of your own!".

I'd be tempted to answer your SIL's question with an abrupt "No." and your MIL's comments with questions about considering my future kids toys for SIL's kids to play with.

Any future comments about your reproduction functions should be met with a raised eyebrow, an icy stare, and silence. Then a subject change or walk away.

I remember your thread awhile back about your FIL's comments. It really stuck in my mind because I find it so appalling. Telling someone you are ashamed of them is something reserved for egregiously bad acts. Not for lacking children. After that incident, even the most innocent of remarks by the family is suspect. Your husband would be justified in chilling relations with his father and both of you with the rest of the family.

And...if they are this involved with you having kids, what will they be like once you have them? I feel for you.
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BeagleMommy

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2012, 02:26:59 PM »
I would have been tempted to answer with an overly precise timeframe such as "May 42, 2020 at 1:37 pm".

If your SIL's DH thought she was being pushy enough to say it out loud then she probably was.

jmarvellous

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2012, 02:59:57 PM »
My first thought when reading the title was, "Ohhhh no! If you have to say that, you surely are wrong." I am still thinking that.

Stay strong, OP. And be prepared for the pushiest grandparents, aunts and uncles ever. Sheesh!

atirial

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #14 on: November 20, 2012, 04:11:43 PM »
Humour might work e.g. "No, the best thing about kids is giving them back!" but if you want the comments to stop you may have to be blunter, since it doesn't sound like they are going to take hints.
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