comments on my skin

[It's good to be Queen]

Of course he was rude!  It is never polite to comment negatively on someone's appearance unless it is something they can correct (spinach in the teeth , skirt tucked into panytyhose, etc.).  A quite, concerned comment is acceptable from someone you are close to, but that is it.

You BIL sounds like a charmer - I can just image how pleased his friends are when he announces to the whole room, "Hey, you are getting bald!"  And how is the recipient of that comment supposed to respond, by running out and buying a hairpiece?

[Twik]

EvilTwik would, every time she sees BIL again, give him a scan and announce loudly, "Crivins, BIL, you've gotten even FATTER! Soon, you'll need a crane just to leave the house! What a blob you are!"

I suspect that he will not like it nearly as much as he pretends to.

[Bijou]

To your sister I would say, "There is no need for you to feel you have to call and try to excuse his indefensible social clumsiness.  You did nothing wrong.  I am just sorry for you, having to deal with never knowing what is coming out of his mouth next."

[TurtleDove]

I could hear my sister telling him across the room about my skin condition. At some point, he came over to apologize. Whatever, I just asked him why he would point that out publically. He said he didn't know I had this skin condition if he did, he wouldnt have said anything. I told him that even if I did not have a skin condition, I don't think he should have commented.

Why not accept his apology in the first place?  He was wrong and made a mistake, but he did apologize, and I can see why he got a bit defensive once you refused to accept it and continue to argue the matter.

I read it the same way Surianne did (no acceptance of the apology but rather a focus on calling out how horrible the BIL was).  I think the BIL was out of line (as was his wife), absolutely, but I also think saying "whatever" to the apology (essentially rejecting it) and demanding an explanation in public was not the right way to handle it, especially because to me it seemed he did explain that he didn't know you had a medical issue and would not have said anything had he known.  I'm sorry this all happened, OP.  In the future I think it's best to just accept an apology and move forward.  Given the conversation you posted I can absolutely see why the BIL and your sister got defensive.  It doesn't make their actions okay, but it also seems to indicate you could have handled the situation differently and probably avoided a lot of the tension.  A simple, "thank you for apologizing - it did hurt my feeelings" would have gone a long way I think. 

[weeblewobble]

Anytime someone talks about how beloved they are, my manure-meter goes off.  And trust me, no one loves you for "brutally" observing their flaws.  If anything, the smile on the victim's face when such an observation is made is a nervous response to not knowing what else to do.

And frankly, I think Sis does know exactly how obnoxious BIL's behavior is, otherwise she wouldn't have felt it necessary to call you and further justify his awesomeness.

For now, if you feel like it, acknowledge the apology and say, " You hurt my feelings. Thank you for apologizing."  If he starts in on his "honesty" at future gatherings, you can tell him that a family reunion isn't the appropriate time for his brand of "honesty."  You're just being honest with him, right?   

[theresa]

I could hear my sister telling him across the room about my skin condition. At some point, he came over to apologize. Whatever, I just asked him why he would point that out publically. He said he didn't know I had this skin condition if he did, he wouldnt have said anything. I told him that even if I did not have a skin condition, I don't think he should have commented.

Why not accept his apology in the first place?  He was wrong and made a mistake, but he did apologize, and I can see why he got a bit defensive once you refused to accept it and continue to argue the matter.

I read it the same way Surianne did (no acceptance of the apology but rather a focus on calling out how horrible the BIL was).  I think the BIL was out of line (as was his wife), absolutely, but I also think saying "whatever" to the apology (essentially rejecting it) and demanding an explanation in public was not the right way to handle it, especially because to me it seemed he did explain that he didn't know you had a medical issue and would not have said anything had he known.  I'm sorry this all happened, OP.  In the future I think it's best to just accept an apology and move forward.  Given the conversation you posted I can absolutely see why the BIL and your sister got defensive.  It doesn't make their actions okay, but it also seems to indicate you could have handled the situation differently and probably avoided a lot of the tension.  A simple, "thank you for apologizing - it did hurt my feeelings" would have gone a long way I think.

i didnt actually say whatever, i thought it. it certainly didnt feel he was genuine. Plus, even with no skin condition, i would NOT want it publically pointed out.
Maybe the fact that i know him, enables me to know, he isnt really sorry.
Could I have handled it differently=YES absolutely.

However, I do not regret wanting to know what he was thinking when he said that. I would ask again. Sometimes it helps me understand people better when they explain why they did something. In this case, it didnt.

[theresa]

EvilTwik would, every time she sees BIL again, give him a scan and announce loudly, "Crivins, BIL, you've gotten even FATTER! Soon, you'll need a crane just to leave the house! What a blob you are!"

I suspect that he will not like it nearly as much as he pretends to.

I would love to do that but I never could!

[theresa]

To your sister I would say, "There is no need for you to feel you have to call and try to excuse his indefensible social clumsiness.  You did nothing wrong.  I am just sorry for you, having to deal with never knowing what is coming out of his mouth next."

I feel when she defends him, she is justifying his behavior. To be honest, I am not enjoying his company these days due to several examples like this.

[theresa]

Of course he was rude!  It is never polite to comment negatively on someone's appearance unless it is something they can correct (spinach in the teeth , skirt tucked into panytyhose, etc.).  A quite, concerned topic is acceptable from someone you are close to, but that is it.

You BIL sounds like a charmer - I can just image how pleased his friends are when he announces to the whole room, "Hey, you are getting bald!"  And how is the recipient of that comment supposed to respond, by running out and buying a hairpiece?

One time, he was at his doctor's for a physical and he told his doctor "your teeth are crooked, I am surprised you never got braces". The doctor was speechless.

[magicdomino]

Of course he was rude!  It is never polite to comment negatively on someone's appearance unless it is something they can correct (spinach in the teeth , skirt tucked into panytyhose, etc.).  A quite, concerned topic is acceptable from someone you are close to, but that is it.

You BIL sounds like a charmer - I can just image how pleased his friends are when he announces to the whole room, "Hey, you are getting bald!"  And how is the recipient of that comment supposed to respond, by running out and buying a hairpiece?

One time, he was at his doctor's for a physical and he told his doctor "your teeth are crooked, I am surprised you never got braces". The doctor was speechless.

That is soooo asking for a prostate exam and colonoscopy (sp?).  Do not insult the doctor! 

[TootsNYC]

I felt I accepted it, but I wanted to now why he did that?
It was important for me to know his motivation for saying that.
It went downhill the more he talked.


I am not obligated to accept an apology that may not be genuine.

I don't think that continuing to discuss the offense is a part of accepting the apology. At least, not AFTER accepting it.

Next time, I might suggest you say, "I'm still too hurt and too angry to accept your apology. I need to ask you to think about apologizing later, after I've gotten over this. Then I'll be able to explain why I am so hurt."

One thing I've learned by being a parent: asking someone "why" they did something is just not a good move. They don't know why. Or if they do know why, they don't want to admit it. So don't even go there.


It puts them on the spot, and frankly it's the equivalent of scolding.

Stick w/ "I" statements. Like: "That really shocked and upset me." "That made me tremendously self-conscious, right in the middle of my party." "I felt angry that you couldn't just let me alone, it felt to me like you were picking at my appearance right where everybody else could here." "That comment didn't feel concerned, to me--it just felt critical." "I find it hard to enjoy the party, now that you've pointed out how funny I look."

It's OK to sound a little bit mad, I think. But don't get into HIS motivation--that's really just scolding (which you'd admit if you really looked at it), and nobody reacts well to being scolded. Grownups least of all.

Even though it's a bit parental, it would be better to say something like this:  "In the future, please do not comment on my appearance. There's nothing you or I can do about it right at that moment, it's not like my shirt could be tucked in or something. And if you're genuinely concerned for my health, please speak to me *in private,* not in the middle of party when everyone can hear it."

[theresa]

It may come off as scolding but I dont see it to be honest. I really feel I need to understand (did they mean to be hurtful, did it come out wrong, did they have some other thought that make logical sense as to why they said that, were they trying to be funny, did they not really mean for it to come out like that).

Otherwise, I dont understand and it's harder to forgive. If people dont know why they did something, what would stop them from doing it again. I dont think an explanation is too much to ask.

[O'Dell]

I don't see anything wrong with asking why he would say something like that. But now you have your answer...he's a jerk!...so no need to ask again.

You say that it's a habit of his that's already driving you to avoid him? Time to be cool toward him and a bit guarded. You might have at the ready a deadpan "okay" in response to his nasty comments and any defensive remarks from him or your sister.

"Your face is red"
"okay"

"I'm not rude. I'm the life of the party!"
"okay"

(Snarky O'Dell would go with "okay, if you say so" but she doesn't have many friends )

[JeanFromBNA]

Sounds like he is a big clueless oaf.  Too bad it is those kind of comments that stick in your head.    Why is it that there is always someone who needs to point out things like that?  I'm sure on the days when you are looking especially fabulous, he doesn't run over to let you know. Love grammadishes response.

Well, you can comment that he certainly has a tremendous sense of the obvious. 

What a jerk. 

threadjack:  I have prominent chemical burns on my left arm, and this summer I decided I was going to wear sleeveless tops in the heat, and everyone else was going to have to deal.  A couple of the scars became re-infected, and had to be treated - right before our trip to Walt Disney World.  So I bandaged up and wore my sleeveless tops anyway.  I was in a bathroom washing my hands, when I noticed a girl, about 7 or 8 I guess, couldn't take her eyes off of my arm.  Finally, she blurted out, "what happened to your arm?"  I replied, "Alligator wrestling.  It's not as easy as it looks."  Her jaw dropped.    /threadjack

[Barb3000]

Why is it that the people who pride themselves on their frankness and honesty, never seem to have anything GOOD to say?