comments on my skin

[theresa]

My daughter had her first communion, I invited all of the family to a restaurant after the church part.

Background: I have been diagnosed with a skin condition recently, it makes my skin flushed and red.

At the communion party, I was trying to be polite and mingle/ talk to all guests and ensure they are having a good time. I went to talk to my BIL and sister. We were talking and he says "CRUD MONKEYS! your face is so red it looks like you have a red beard, I am serious".

I was so embarrassed and to be honest, I was speechless and walked away. I was so embarrassed and self conscious after that. This did not improve the red face I had-LOL.

I could hear my sister telling him across the room about my skin condition. At some point, he came over to apologize. Whatever, I just asked him why he would point that out publically. He said he didn't know I had this skin condition if he did, he wouldnt have said anything. I told him that even if I did not have a skin condition, I don't think he should have commented.
He said "I thought you would want to know"
Me "I have a mirror and can see what I look like"
HIM "Most of my friends appreciate my brutal honesty. I tell them they are balding, that they need braces or whatever and they never get this sensitive. People tell me I am fat and I dont get mad"

I didnt want to waste anymore time on it. I was just trying to see WHY he would say that.
The night ended and I was done with it.
My sister (his wife) calls me and says that after the communion, they went to a friend's party and "we were told we were the life of the party and a lady even complimented us on having the best personailities there. See most people like the way BIL is"

I am so upset right now and I told my sister. I was ready to drop this issue but seems BIL apologized then proceeded to defend what he said, which to me negates the apology. Then it seems my sister defends it too.
Am I overly sensitive as they tell me I am?
Please comment on whether you find what BIL said was rude or not.

[DottyG]

Please comment on whether you find what BIL said was rude or not.

Absolutely.

And I guarantee "most people do NOT like how he is" - they're just more polite than he is and not using their own brutal honesty to tell him he's a jerk.
 
 
 

[theresa]

I pretty much figured but they try to act like I am sensitive.

[DottyG]

I really (really, REALLY) hate people using the word "sensitive" like most people do.  I get that trait attributed to me often as well.

Excuse me, but NO.  My reaction to your incredibly rude comment does not make me "sensitive."

[JenJay]

He was rude. So what if his friends love his "brutal honesty", you don't. Hopefully he'll remember that and it won't be an issue again. 

I have rosacea which is under control now but when I was first diagnosed and trying different treatments it was really bad. I had bright red cheeks with a lot of little painful bumps on them. My Aunt walked up to me in the middle of a room full of people and said "Oh my gosh, what's wrong with your cheeks? That looks terrible!" I said "I have Rosacea." and she said "I know, I have it too, but I've never looked that bad!" Grrr.

[doodlemor]

BIL is dreadfully rude.  He made an apology, and then negated it and put his foot in his mouth.  Your sister made it still worse by defending his nonsense.  Perhaps they deserve each other.

I think that cold politeness is in order here, until you feel more comfortable with this pair.

And haven't I read that blaming the victim's so-called sensitivity is a tool of bullies and abusers.

[theresa]

Yes, when they call us sensitive, it implies we are the problem. Life would be easier for them if we just let them say whatever the want.

I think I will be putting my BIL at a distance.

[andi]

It was rude. If he had come over to you and QUIETLY said "not sure if you're aware, but your face is very flushed.  Are you ok?" tha t would hav been ok. Blasting it out in front of everyone wa a major "foot in mouth" moment and he should havoc apologized - not defended

I feel your pain - multiple surgeries on my nose to remove skin cancers has lef the top very red and it's very hard to cover for any length of time - I get tons of co dents about my "Roudolf nose" or sunburn or "what's up with your face?". Depending on the tone and situation I either go way medical or chill stre quiet on them

[LeveeWoman]

Accusing someone of being "sensitive" is the classic response of a bully when the person he insults takes exception.

[theresa]

He was rude. So what if his friends love his "brutal honesty", you don't. Hopefully he'll remember that and it won't be an issue again. 

I have rosacea which is under control now but when I was first diagnosed and trying different treatments it was really bad. I had bright red cheeks with a lot of little painful bumps on them. My Aunt walked up to me in the middle of a room full of people and said "Oh my gosh, what's wrong with your cheeks? That looks terrible!" I said "I have Rosacea." and she said "I know, I have it too, but I've never looked that bad!" Grrr.

I did say that to him " Your friends may like it, but I dont"

Your aunts sounds terrible.

[DottyG]

If he had come over to you and QUIETLY said "not sure if you're aware, but your face is very flushed.  Are you ok?

I agree.  That would be concern for the OP - and wouldn't have embarrassed her (at least, not in the same way).  That would have been a more acceptable way of handling it - and, even then, only if he was truly concerned and not trying to be jerky about it.

[theresa]

BIL is dreadfully rude.  He made an apology, and then negated it and put his foot in his mouth.  Your sister made it still worse by defending his nonsense.  Perhaps they deserve each other.

I think that cold politeness is in order here, until you feel more comfortable with this pair.

And haven't I read that blaming the victim's so-called sensitivity is a tool of bullies and abusers.

I fully agree.

[theresa]

It was rude. If he had come over to you and QUIETLY said "not sure if you're aware, but your face is very flushed.  Are you ok?" tha t would hav been ok. Blasting it out in front of everyone wa a major "foot in mouth" moment and he should havoc apologized - not defended

I feel your pain - multiple surgeries on my nose to remove skin cancers has lef the top very red and it's very hard to cover for any length of time - I get tons of co dents about my "Roudolf nose" or sunburn or "what's up with your face?". Depending on the tone and situation I either go way medical or chill stre quiet on them

That would have been the proper way for him to act if he was concerned. I agree.
He is the type of guy who makes jokes about others often, at their expense.

[JenJay]

He was rude. So what if his friends love his "brutal honesty", you don't. Hopefully he'll remember that and it won't be an issue again. 

I have rosacea which is under control now but when I was first diagnosed and trying different treatments it was really bad. I had bright red cheeks with a lot of little painful bumps on them. My Aunt walked up to me in the middle of a room full of people and said "Oh my gosh, what's wrong with your cheeks? That looks terrible!" I said "I have Rosacea." and she said "I know, I have it too, but I've never looked that bad!" Grrr.

I did say that to him " Your friends may like it, but I dont"

Your aunts sounds terrible.

She can be frustrating! She goes through life thinking there are two types of people - those who agree with her and those who are wrong. 

[doodlemor]

HIM "Most of my friends appreciate my brutal honesty. I tell them they are balding, that they need braces or whatever and they never get this sensitive. People tell me I am fat and I dont get mad"


My sister (his wife) calls me and says that after the communion, they went to a friend's party and "we were told we were the life of the party and a lady even complimented us on having the best personailities there. See most people like the way BIL is"

I think that some ehell/classic phrases would be useful for the next time BIL is up to his "brutal honesty."

You could use.......

How kind of you to take an interest in my personal business.

What an interesting assumption.

So you say.

If you need to repeat any stock phrases try repeating the phrase slower and more coldly with each repetition.