comments on my skin

[DottyG]

^ Yeah.  That.

[wolfie]

My sister (his wife) calls me and says that after the communion, they went to a friend's party and "we were told we were the life of the party and a lady even complimented us on having the best personailities there. See most people like the way BIL is"

Really? I have never been to a party where anyone was TOLD they were the life of the party. And I certainly don't know of anyone who would tell someone else they had the best personality there - unless maybe it was a pick up line. I think someone is rightfully feeling guilty and defensive.

[buvezdevin]

He was rude, boorish and generally unpleasant.

Your sister's summary of the two of them being called the life of the party suggests two, not mutually exclusive possibilities:

1.  They keep company with equally poorly mannered company; and/or
2.  People commented that they were lively, and out of politeness did not add "and remarkably socially inept and inconsiderate!"

I agree that having some prepared comments in advance of seeing them in future would be wise.

I would be tempted to reply to any further of BIL's inappropriately communicated observations with:  "and did you know that frequently, when confronted with poorly behaved people, better behaved people often do not criticize but simply deflect them?  Knee jerk sympathy for jerks, or smoothing social interaction. Bean dip?"

[gramma dishes]

"I'm not exceptionally sensitive.  You're just exceptionally rude."

Walk away.

Well, he says he likes blunt!!

[theresa]

My sister (his wife) calls me and says that after the communion, they went to a friend's party and "we were told we were the life of the party and a lady even complimented us on having the best personailities there. See most people like the way BIL is"

Really? I have never been to a party where anyone was TOLD they were the life of the party. And I certainly don't know of anyone who would tell someone else they had the best personality there - unless maybe it was a pick up line. I think someone is rightfully feeling guilty and defensive.

My thought exactly. Like who actually says these things. It doesn't sound like a normal/ natural comment.   

[theresa]

I am thinking someone may have commented that they were fun. Then my sister made that into a comment it wasnt.
If someone said that to me, I would find it odd.

Either way, it doesn't mean they aren't rude.

[theresa]

"I'm not exceptionally sensitive.  You're just exceptionally rude."

Walk away.

Well, he says he likes blunt!!

love it

[Emmy]

I honestly don't think most people would appreciate somebody so rude.  Also, shame on your sister for that phone call.  Honestly, I think it is great when people have a such a thick skin that they can let insults just roll of their back.  Most people aren't like that.  If BIL doesn't mind when people point out that he's fat, good for him.  If he has friends who also don't mind trading insults, that's fine if that's how it works for their friendship.  However, he needs to be sensitive that the majority of people don't enjoy having such things pointed out, especially in public.  Has your sister ever complained about him treating her that way?

[theresa]

I honestly don't think most people would appreciate somebody so rude.  Also, shame on your sister for that phone call.  Honestly, I think it is great when people have a such a thick skin that they can let insults just roll of their back.  Most people aren't like that.  If BIL doesn't mind when people point out that he's fat, good for him.  If he has friends who also don't mind trading insults, that's fine if that's how it works for their friendship.  However, he needs to be sensitive that the majority of people don't enjoy having such things pointed out, especially in public.  Has your sister ever complained about him treating her that way?

My sister has never complained about that, but she does like to act like he is a perfect husband.

[WillyNilly]

"Most of my friends appreciate my brutal honesty. I tell them they are balding, that they need braces or whatever and they never get this sensitive. People tell me I am fat and I dont get mad"

Does your BIL know what the word "brutal" means?  Because really?  Very few people enjoy any type of brutality socially.

On the upshot if your BIL describes himself as brutal, you have essentially been given permission to call him, and treat him, as a brute.

[dawbs]

I can never remember who said it, but to quote someone wiser than I am:

"people who pride themselves on their brutal honesty enjoy the brutality at least as much, and usually more than, the honesty."

[Onyx_TKD]

My daughter had her first communion, I invited all of the family to a restaurant after the church part.

Background: I have been diagnosed with a skin condition recently, it makes my skin flushed and red.

At the communion party, I was trying to be polite and mingle/ talk to all guests and ensure they are having a good time. I went to talk to my BIL and sister. We were talking and he says "CRUD MONKEYS! your face is so red it looks like you have a red beard, I am serious".

I was so embarrassed and to be honest, I was speechless and walked away. I was so embarrassed and self conscious after that. This did not improve the red face I had-LOL.

I could hear my sister telling him across the room about my skin condition. At some point, he came over to apologize. Whatever, I just asked him why he would point that out publically. He said he didn't know I had this skin condition if he did, he wouldnt have said anything. I told him that even if I did not have a skin condition, I don't think he should have commented.
He said "I thought you would want to know"
Me "I have a mirror and can see what I look like"
HIM "Most of my friends appreciate my brutal honesty. I tell them they are balding, that they need braces or whatever and they never get this sensitive. People tell me I am fat and I dont get mad"

I didnt want to waste anymore time on it. I was just trying to see WHY he would say that.
The night ended and I was done with it.
My sister (his wife) calls me and says that after the communion, they went to a friend's party and "we were told we were the life of the party and a lady even complimented us on having the best personailities there. See most people like the way BIL is"

I am so upset right now and I told my sister. I was ready to drop this issue but seems BIL apologized then proceeded to defend what he said, which to me negates the apology. Then it seems my sister defends it too.
Am I overly sensitive as they tell me I am?
Please comment on whether you find what BIL said was rude or not.

For people who value "brutal honesty," your sister and BIL sure are hung up on the what other people think of them. They can't handle one person not liking a comment to the point that they go out of their way to call up and tell that person they were "the life of [someone else's] party"? Wow.

You were the one able to let the rude comment roll off your back and just walk away instead of having a confrontation. You were the one who handled the confrontation calmly and politely when it happened anyway. They're the ones who days later are still traumatized that you don't think their every comment or opinion is just the most awesomest comment or opinion in the world. I don't think you're the oversensitive one here.

[theresa]

Yes they have always do get very hung up on what people think.

[Surianne]

I could hear my sister telling him across the room about my skin condition. At some point, he came over to apologize. Whatever, I just asked him why he would point that out publically. He said he didn't know I had this skin condition if he did, he wouldnt have said anything. I told him that even if I did not have a skin condition, I don't think he should have commented.

Why not accept his apology in the first place?  He was wrong and made a mistake, but he did apologize, and I can see why he got a bit defensive once you refused to accept it and continue to argue the matter.

[theresa]

I felt I accepted it, but I wanted to now why he did that?
It was important for me to know his motivation for saying that.
It went downhill the more he talked.


I am not obligated to accept an apology that may not be genuine.