comments on my skin

[Surianne]

Oh, okay, I missed the part where you accepted it. 

[EmmaJ.]

<snip>

HIM "Most of my friends appreciate my brutal honesty. I tell them they are balding, that they need braces or whatever and they never get this sensitive. People tell me I am fat and I dont get mad"

He feels the need to tell someone they are balding or they need braces?  Why??  Is he worried they might not realize it?

He is being a jerk.   

[cicero]

are you my other sister?

our BIL (my third sister's husband) is like that - horribly rude and then when he gets called on it he pulls the ol' "you are so sensitive" nonpology card.

your BIL was very rude to you. even if I could imagine that he was just 'trying to be helpful' - when you told him that he was rude, he (and his wife) should have dropped it. based on their stories - he is just a jerk.

I felt I accepted it, but I wanted to now why he did that?
It was important for me to know his motivation for saying that.
It went downhill the more he talked.


I am not obligated to accept an apology that may not be genuine.

he does this because he is an insensitive jerk. his motivation is that by making others feel bad/small/embarressed - he feels better about himself.

there really is nothing you can do about this except limit your dealings with him/them. I tend to ignore my BIL when i have to be in the same room - other than "hello" and "goodbye", I try not to have any further dealings with him because you never know when he will go into one of his rants.

[oz diva]

What I always find so annoying about people like your BIL is how sensitive they are to criticism about themselves. If you want to dish it out, you should be prepared to receive it back.

[Amava]

My sister (his wife) calls me and says that after the communion, they went to a friend's party and "we were told we were the life of the party and a lady even complimented us on having the best personailities there. See most people like the way BIL is"

Really? I have never been to a party where anyone was TOLD they were the life of the party. And I certainly don't know of anyone who would tell someone else they had the best personality there - unless maybe it was a pick up line. I think someone is rightfully feeling guilty and defensive.

Maybe they missed the big ol' sarcasm sign someone was holding up. Because I can totally see myself telling someone: "Oh, bless your heart, you always /are/ the life of the party, aren't you" to someone who is being too boisterous and overstepping in company.

Theresa, I am really sorry someone said something so stupid to you on an otherwise lovely day. It's really not you, it's him. But you already knew that from all the other posters who have posted before me. 

[girlysprite]

Reminds me a bit of my own brother and SIL. He also takes pride in his 'honesty', and will justify himself with e opinions of his friends. Keep in mind that such people often hear and remember things very differently from how they were said, which the other posters gave good examples of.

Next time he does this, maybe a shrug and a 'I don't care for your opinion' be ok? If he likes brutal honesty, see if he can take it too.

[camlan]

Ah, yes, the "You are too sensitive," card. Played by people who know they have overstepped the boundaries of polite behavior, but who will never, ever admit that they might have done something wrong. Because that would make them feel bad. While they have no problem making other people feel bad, they don't much like feeling bad themselves.

Try, "And you are not sensitive enough," in reply, in a calm, gentle voice, with a pleasant smile. Then just walk away.

If your sister tries to bring up how much other people just lllllooovvvveeee this aspect of BIL's personality, you are free to point out that you, personally, don't. And now that both your sister and BIL know this, it would of course be rude for him to act this way towards you in the future. After all, they are expecting you to make allowances for BIL's personality. Surely they will understand that he must do the same for you?

[cicero]

Try, "And you are not sensitive enough," in reply, in a calm, gentle voice, with a pleasant smile. Then just walk away.

I am *so* stealing this from you for next time i have to see my BIL.

(also, when he accused me of not having a sense of humor "what's your problem? I was just joking! don't you have a sense a humor?" i replied "i *do* have a sense of humor. but what you said was *not* funny").

[Emmy]

My daughter had her first communion, I invited all of the family to a restaurant after the church part.

Background: I have been diagnosed with a skin condition recently, it makes my skin flushed and red.

At the communion party, I was trying to be polite and mingle/ talk to all guests and ensure they are having a good time. I went to talk to my BIL and sister. We were talking and he says "CRUD MONKEYS! your face is so red it looks like you have a red beard, I am serious".

I was so embarrassed and to be honest, I was speechless and walked away. I was so embarrassed and self conscious after that. This did not improve the red face I had-LOL.

I could hear my sister telling him across the room about my skin condition. At some point, he came over to apologize. Whatever, I just asked him why he would point that out publically. He said he didn't know I had this skin condition if he did, he wouldnt have said anything. I told him that even if I did not have a skin condition, I don't think he should have commented.
He said "I thought you would want to know"
Me "I have a mirror and can see what I look like"
HIM "Most of my friends appreciate my brutal honesty. I tell them they are balding, that they need braces or whatever and they never get this sensitive. People tell me I am fat and I dont get mad"

I didnt want to waste anymore time on it. I was just trying to see WHY he would say that.
The night ended and I was done with it.
My sister (his wife) calls me and says that after the communion, they went to a friend's party and "we were told we were the life of the party and a lady even complimented us on having the best personailities there. See most people like the way BIL is"

I am so upset right now and I told my sister. I was ready to drop this issue but seems BIL apologized then proceeded to defend what he said, which to me negates the apology. Then it seems my sister defends it too.
Am I overly sensitive as they tell me I am?
Please comment on whether you find what BIL said was rude or not.

For people who value "brutal honesty," your sister and BIL sure are hung up on the what other people think of them. They can't handle one person not liking a comment to the point that they go out of their way to call up and tell that person they were "the life of [someone else's] party"? Wow.

You were the one able to let the rude comment roll off your back and just walk away instead of having a confrontation. You were the one who handled the confrontation calmly and politely when it happened anyway. They're the ones who days later are still traumatized that you don't think their every comment or opinion is just the most awesomest comment or opinion in the world. I don't think you're the oversensitive one here.

That's a really good point.  BIL prides himself on his brutal honesty being a positive personality trait and he doesn't mind when people are this way with him, but can't accept it when somebody is brutally honest with him about his rudeness.  Maybe he thinks this is his only way to make others laugh and to shine at parties (although I doubt most people enjoy his comments the way he says they do).  If he really appreciated brutal honesty, he wouldn't be so bothered by what you said.

[Roe]

I imagine your BIL goes to the party and asks others "I'm the life of the party, right?"  So of course others feel obligated to say "yes, of course." 

Those that "dish it" usually can't take it. 

OP, I'd go with "I'm not interested in hearing your opinion."  When he accuses you of being 'rude' then you can say "My goodness, you are being too sensitive" and walk away.

He will care that his opinion isn't valued.  These types always do.  They are quite insecure in themselves and that's one reason for their rudeness.

[AuntyEm]

Sounds like he is a big clueless oaf.  Too bad it is those kind of comments that stick in your head.    Why is it that there is always someone who needs to point out things like that?  I'm sure on the days when you are looking especially fabulous, he doesn't run over to let you know. Love grammadishes response.

[Hmmmmm]

My sister (his wife) calls me and says that after the communion, they went to a friend's party and "we were told we were the life of the party and a lady even complimented us on having the best personailities there. See most people like the way BIL is"

Really? I have never been to a party where anyone was TOLD they were the life of the party. And I certainly don't know of anyone who would tell someone else they had the best personality there - unless maybe it was a pick up line. I think someone is rightfully feeling guilty and defensive.

Exactly what I was thinking.  I can only imagine remarks like that at an event as being condescending and really meaning "You and your DH don't really belong in our circle of friends, put you have the personalities of cute puppies so we'll let you hang around to entertain us."

[Yvaine]

Maybe they missed the big ol' sarcasm sign someone was holding up. Because I can totally see myself telling someone: "Oh, bless your heart, you always /are/ the life of the party, aren't you" to someone who is being too boisterous and overstepping in company.

This is pretty much what I was picturing too.

[theresa]

<snip>

HIM "Most of my friends appreciate my brutal honesty. I tell them they are balding, that they need braces or whatever and they never get this sensitive. People tell me I am fat and I dont get mad"

He feels the need to tell someone they are balding or they need braces?  Why??  Is he worried they might not realize it?

He is being a jerk.   

yes he thinks they may not know and they would appreciate him telling them.
I dont get it either, people know what they look like without his comments. I have no idea what he is thinking.

[Zilla]

Definitely rude.  He could at most say quietly, "You look really flushed, are you okay?" or some variation.
 
And if he says sorry, I am just brutally honest.  You can say back the same.  And I am also honest, it hurt my feelings and I don't appreciate your brand of honesty.  If your sister calls to defend him, tell her there is nothing to defend. It's her husband and she is the one that has to live with him.  If he wants to be brutally honest and share his opinions, then you can do the same and tell them if you are offended/hurt.  Why is it okay for him to be honest and not you?