General Etiquette > Family and Children

is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?

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cicero:

--- Quote from: strangetimes on November 21, 2012, 05:41:01 PM ---Cicero, if I'm understand correctly, your SIL is frum? If that's the case, she probably wants you to match the rest of the family for pictures.
I don't know where on the spectrum of frumkeit she is, but usually in more Yeshivish types of families, no one walks down the aisle besides the bride and groom. In more modern circles, you might have the immediate family members walk or even bridesmaids.

Is there another family member you can ask? A sibling, or parent- someone who would know- if you're nervous about speaking with your SIL?

Also- there are lots of gemachim in Israel that service the frum community. Even if it's a funny  colour, you're very likely to find a dress you can borrow. Some of them ask for a donation, but many just require you to pay for having the dress cleaned. You can pm me for more info if  you need!

--- End quote ---
thanks - i didn't even think of that. I was thinking of buying something more my style (more open/sleeveless etc) and just wering a wrap or jacket for the wedding.

yes, she is frum, i come from a modern orthodox family that has gone in different directions, and they are definitely *more* orthodox than we grew up. (I am no longer orthodox).

are you in israel?

cicero:
thanks for all who answered.

I think we will take this as a head's up (as in 'what not to wear') unless we hear back differently from SIL.

Knitterly:

--- Quote from: Sophia on November 20, 2012, 09:22:08 AM ---I think I read Miss Manners saying that the colors you aren't allowed to wear to a wedding are: Black, white and the bridemaid's color if you know it.  The logic behind the bridemaid's color was that otherwise you looked like you were trying to pretend to be a bridemaid. 
Maybe that was why she told you?  As an official color it is something to avoid.

--- End quote ---

That is what I felt when I read, too. 

I almost wore a favourite dress to a wedding a few years ago, only to get there and discover it was the colour of the bridesmaids dresses.  Not only was it the same colour, it was made by the same designer and was a very similar style.  At the last minute (literally the very last minute - as in I had on the one dress and changed about 2 minutes before leaving), I opted for another dress.  I got there and was so glad I did.  I was dressed very similarly to another guest, but that was nothing compared to the embarrassment I would have felt showing up dressed like a bridesmaid.

I think the SIL meant it as a kindness, not a dictate.  :)

White Lotus:
I am looking for a new dressy/cocktail type dress.  Our Temple dress code is like yours, and I need to be able to wear this in the Temple, and to black tie evening things, like receptions, which may follow.  Also, as a rapidly aging lady, I do personally want long sleeves (not sleeveless/strapless and a "wrap."), a non-skin-tight fit, and a knee-length or longer skirt.  I can't find anything!  Not even in large and expensive department stores.  I have lately been looking on "modest clothing" sites, which seem mostly LDS (and thank you for them, LDSers).  If you can rent something suitable where the wedding is being held, go for it.  You may find it hard to get anything suitable in the US.  I would call someone to ask about the colors, and there is nothing at all wrong with doing so.

m2kbug:
Usually the entire family does not walk down the aisle, just the wedding party, the bridesmaids and groomsmen who do have matching attire.  I did have one wedding where the bride asked that every close family member wear either a color A or color B dress.  I'm not sure how far she extended this, I think it was just sisters and sister-in-laws.  I don't know if it was aunts and cousins.  I don't remember if the men had to wear a certain color.  I don't remember my husband having to wear a specific color.  I don't think this is very common.  I wasn't pleased that I was given a dress code and had to go out and buy a new outfit of a color I probably would never wear again.

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