Author Topic: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?  (Read 9115 times)

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cicero

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I've been to one wedding in the US in my life and dozens of weddings in Israel. I know that weddings in the US tend to be more formal, with more events and issues surrounding the wedding. Weddings in Israel usually don't have bridesmaids, showers, etc (though it's starting to catch on, it's still rare). people wear nice/casual, nice or very nice/fancy clothing but no gowns, tuxedos, etc.

anyway, we have a family wedding coming up - the first grandchild in our family - and everyone is very happy. SIL sent me an email with some details and added "colors are PurpleCat for female family walking down the aisle and OrangeDog for bridesmaids"

It didn't say that *we* (the aunts and uncles of the bride) are walking down the aisle. it didn't say anything else.

so my questions:
1. do relatives (aunts and uncles and cousins of the bride) usually walk down the aisle?
2. does it sound like we are expected to walk down the aisle, or is this just a "head's up" on what *not* to wear? yes to wear?
2. does my SIL get to dictate the color of our clothing?

obviously the color isn't purplecat but it is a color that I wouldn't normally wear, plus it's a color that isn't really *that* available in party clothing. plus, whatever i wear will have to be very modest (so not sleeveless, not too short, not to open neckline, no sheer sleeves...) so it's going to be a challenge anyway to find something that i like, can afford, fits me, and will be modest enough (or easily adaptable), AND will be PurpleCat color...

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bonyk

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2012, 07:21:42 AM »
I was under them impression that the family walking the bride/groom down the aisle was a Jewish custom, but I thought it was just "immediate" family -- siblings/parents.  I'm thinking she's telling you not to wear PurpleCat or OrangeDog.

Some brides will try to dictate clothing, but it's definitely not standard.  IMO, it's over the top controlling; a wedding is a celebration, not a show. 

guihong

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2012, 07:24:30 AM »
1. Not usually, unless she means when grandparents/parents are escorted to their seat.  But, if this is a Jewish wedding, then my understanding is that both sets of parents walk down the aisle.

2. It sounds like a heads up not to wear PurpleDog, unless I'm way wrong.

3. No.

Personally, I really dislike being told what to wear to a wedding, besides the formality. 

How is SIL related to the bride?  Is she Grandma?



bloo

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2012, 07:26:18 AM »
1. & 2. I've never seen anyone but the wedding party and parents of the HC* walk down the aisle, so I don't think you would be expected to. Knowing the wedding colors would ensure you don't buy a dress in those colors and then be mistaken for a member of the wedding party.Not a huge deal to get a dress in those colors - unless you shopped where they purchased the BM's gowns it's unlikely you'd be mistaken for the wedding party. I've only heard of one person getting snitty about it and it was on this website.

3. She just may have been relaying interesting information. I always ask, as a matter of course, the bride's colors when she's planning her wedding. Are you being asked to contribute a cake or wedding favors or decorations? Some might be offering and knowing the colors could be helpful.

*I've always thought of the wedding party as HC, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls and ring bearers; which is why I included parents of HC separately. I might be wrong of course.

TurtleDove

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2012, 07:26:52 AM »
I would ask your SIL!

AuntyEm

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2012, 07:33:19 AM »
I'm thinking that the info about the color scheme is just to tell you she knows the colors of the wedding party.  I've never heard of any rule regarding guest attire other than not wearing the bride's color white and indicating the formality of the wedding (but that is usually dictated by the time of day the wedding is held.) 

Unless you've been asked to be a member of the wedding party (bridesmaid, maid of honor) you should wear something of your own choosing.  A simple cocktail length dress (of any color except white) accessorized with a bit of jewelry or bling and a dressy shoe (any height heel) should work for all but the most formal wedding.

gorplady

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2012, 07:36:54 AM »
I agree with the previous posters, but I wonder why you felt you had to disguise the colors.

Also, and not related at all, I hope you and yours are safe and sound.

cicero

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2012, 08:01:21 AM »
thanks everyone.

 

How is SIL related to the bride?  Is she Grandma?
mother of the bride.

I agree with the previous posters, but I wonder why you felt you had to disguise the colors.

just in case she or someone related is on the boards.

Quote
Also, and not related at all, I hope you and yours are safe and sound.

Thanks, we are...

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Giggity

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2012, 08:05:20 AM »
Why not just use different colors? Why are the cat and the dog involved?
Words mean things.

Shopaholic

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2012, 08:10:04 AM »
I agree that it sounds like she is warning you not to wear those colors, or colors in which you may be mistaken for the wedding party.
When my American cousin was married, I know color coordination was important to his mom for the family photos.

audrey1962

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2012, 09:06:48 AM »
It's perfectly polite to ask.  :)

Sophia

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2012, 09:22:08 AM »
I think I read Miss Manners saying that the colors you aren't allowed to wear to a wedding are: Black, white and the bridemaid's color if you know it.  The logic behind the bridemaid's color was that otherwise you looked like you were trying to pretend to be a bridemaid. 
Maybe that was why she told you?  As an official color it is something to avoid.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2012, 09:27:37 AM »
I would talk to your SIL and find out whether or not you are expected to wear PurpleCat.  If you aren't, carry on.  If you are, then you can let her know the difficulty for you in finding something appropriate to wear in that colour.  Then ask if you can wear something neutral toned and add a wrap in the desired colour for the walk down the aisle and any pictures you might be in.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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cicero

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2012, 09:31:27 AM »
I would talk to your SIL and find out whether or not you are expected to wear PurpleCat.  If you aren't, carry on.  If you are, then you can let her know the difficulty for you in finding something appropriate to wear in that colour.  Then ask if you can wear something neutral toned and add a wrap in the desired colour for the walk down the aisle and any pictures you might be in.

thanks i think that's what we'll have to do. we have to tread very carefully with her - she's great but she can be very sensitive

I don't think we are expected to walk down the aisle (or be walked to our seats?). Obviously the bride's parents and siblings will walk down the aisle and the grandparents on both sides.

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WillyNilly

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Re: is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?
« Reply #14 on: November 20, 2012, 09:39:09 AM »
I'm thinking it was merely informational.  Some people really take measures to not wear the wedding colors and care very much.  Other people, and its fine to be like this, simply smile and nod at the information, and plan out a lovely and appropriate outfit.