is this *just how it's done*, or is my SIL being over-controlling?

[Sharnita]

Ushers might guide all guests to seats.

[MrTango]

**Not familiar with Jewish weddings specifically, so this is based on my experience at other weddings**

Some people find it to be inappropriate to wear the same color, shade, style (etc) clothing as the wedding party.

I would take what she said to give me an idea of what the wedding colors are so I could choose something to wear that would be different from (but complimentary to) the colors of the wedding party.

[SPuck]

Considering that every one but my mother was worried that she would wear the same color as my brothers future mother in law at his wedding, I think it is just informational and telling you what colors not to wear in a polite way as possible.

[blarg314]

From an etiquette perspective, the female clothing rules for a US Christian wedding are don't wear white, and dress in an appropriate level of formality and modesty for the time of day and venue.

Even when the wedding party is in matching outfits, I don't think there's any official etiquette saying that you're banned from wearing those colours, although in some cases the organizers will try to control this. In some situations, the couple will also try to dictate the clothing of the mother of the bride and mother of the groom, to complementary colours that don't match/match the wedding party, but that's a preference, not a rule.

And no, the bride can't tell the guests what colours to wear, beyond the the no-white rule.
 

[JeanFromBNA]

Sounds like she is telling you that unless you are in the bridal party, don't wear these colors.

[sparksals]

Why don't you just ask her?

[Auntie Mame]

I think SIL was sending out a polite heads up email so no one accidentally matched the wedding party.

Some perspective: I recently attended a cross country wedding with BF (his college friends)  I didn't know anyone but BF and I was nervous.  I asked him to confirm the color of the bridesmaid's dresses because I didn't want to inadvertently dress the same.  That would have embarrassed me because I was already nervous.

Now, at a friend's wedding, I wouldn't give two hoots if I accidentally matched the bridemaid's because I would be in my comfort zone.  I would shrug and laugh it off.

I don't think it's controlling, I think it's considering your guest's comfort because some people would be mortified if they accidentally wore the wedding colors.

[strangetimes]

Cicero, if I'm understand correctly, your SIL is frum? If that's the case, she probably wants you to match the rest of the family for pictures.
I don't know where on the spectrum of frumkeit she is, but usually in more Yeshivish types of families, no one walks down the aisle besides the bride and groom. In more modern circles, you might have the immediate family members walk or even bridesmaids.

Is there another family member you can ask? A sibling, or parent- someone who would know- if you're nervous about speaking with your SIL?

Also- there are lots of gemachim in Israel that service the frum community. Even if it's a funny  colour, you're very likely to find a dress you can borrow. Some of them ask for a donation, but many just require you to pay for having the dress cleaned. You can pm me for more info if  you need!

[Winterlight]

No.

Yes.

No.

[Slartibartfast]

If you're likely to be roped into family pictures, I'd wear something that won't clash horribly with the "official" colors - but other than that, wear whatever you want.

[cicero]

Cicero, if I'm understand correctly, your SIL is frum? If that's the case, she probably wants you to match the rest of the family for pictures.
I don't know where on the spectrum of frumkeit she is, but usually in more Yeshivish types of families, no one walks down the aisle besides the bride and groom. In more modern circles, you might have the immediate family members walk or even bridesmaids.

Is there another family member you can ask? A sibling, or parent- someone who would know- if you're nervous about speaking with your SIL?

Also- there are lots of gemachim in Israel that service the frum community. Even if it's a funny  colour, you're very likely to find a dress you can borrow. Some of them ask for a donation, but many just require you to pay for having the dress cleaned. You can pm me for more info if  you need!

thanks - i didn't even think of that. I was thinking of buying something more my style (more open/sleeveless etc) and just wering a wrap or jacket for the wedding.

yes, she is frum, i come from a modern orthodox family that has gone in different directions, and they are definitely *more* orthodox than we grew up. (I am no longer orthodox).

are you in israel?

[cicero]

thanks for all who answered.

I think we will take this as a head's up (as in 'what not to wear') unless we hear back differently from SIL.

[Knitterly]

I think I read Miss Manners saying that the colors you aren't allowed to wear to a wedding are: Black, white and the bridemaid's color if you know it.  The logic behind the bridemaid's color was that otherwise you looked like you were trying to pretend to be a bridemaid. 
Maybe that was why she told you?  As an official color it is something to avoid.

That is what I felt when I read, too. 

I almost wore a favourite dress to a wedding a few years ago, only to get there and discover it was the colour of the bridesmaids dresses.  Not only was it the same colour, it was made by the same designer and was a very similar style.  At the last minute (literally the very last minute - as in I had on the one dress and changed about 2 minutes before leaving), I opted for another dress.  I got there and was so glad I did.  I was dressed very similarly to another guest, but that was nothing compared to the embarrassment I would have felt showing up dressed like a bridesmaid.

I think the SIL meant it as a kindness, not a dictate. 

[White Lotus]

I am looking for a new dressy/cocktail type dress.  Our Temple dress code is like yours, and I need to be able to wear this in the Temple, and to black tie evening things, like receptions, which may follow.  Also, as a rapidly aging lady, I do personally want long sleeves (not sleeveless/strapless and a "wrap."), a non-skin-tight fit, and a knee-length or longer skirt.  I can't find anything!  Not even in large and expensive department stores.  I have lately been looking on "modest clothing" sites, which seem mostly LDS (and thank you for them, LDSers).  If you can rent something suitable where the wedding is being held, go for it.  You may find it hard to get anything suitable in the US.  I would call someone to ask about the colors, and there is nothing at all wrong with doing so.

[m2kbug]

Usually the entire family does not walk down the aisle, just the wedding party, the bridesmaids and groomsmen who do have matching attire.  I did have one wedding where the bride asked that every close family member wear either a color A or color B dress.  I'm not sure how far she extended this, I think it was just sisters and sister-in-laws.  I don't know if it was aunts and cousins.  I don't remember if the men had to wear a certain color.  I don't remember my husband having to wear a specific color.  I don't think this is very common.  I wasn't pleased that I was given a dress code and had to go out and buy a new outfit of a color I probably would never wear again.