Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse

[Pippen]

So a friend of mine who I absolutely adore lives just down the road has just had her baby. I have not seen her in ages. I just saw her and her husband pushing bubs down the street in a pram. Lots of waves and smiles and I told her I would come and see her ASAP, as in today.

I haven't seen her for ages because pregnancy scares the living daylights out of me. I know it is the most natural thing in the world and I was delighted for her when she told me as I know how much her and her husband wanted a baby. The thought of of it just fills me with dread and giving birth would be about the scariest thing ever conceived (sorry about the pun). The thought of people I care about having to go through it, basically I just can't cope with. I think I have a handle on why this is as my brother has a similar response. I know it is irrational but I always think they are going to die giving birth.

So when I do see her do I offer my apologies and tell her I am useless and need to be soundly beaten for being a slack friend, or do I tell her the truth which just sounds totally crazy? I have mentioned this in passing to her many years ago but she may have forgotten or not be aware of the extent of it. Any the moment I am erring towards of saying anything as I may very well burst into tears at the thought of it and then she really will think I am nuts.

[VorFemme]

The universal "excuse" is that you've been crazy busy the last few months.....by sheer coincidence, it was about eight or nine months.....but don't mention that.

Then ask about how Bubs is NOW and don't ask any questions about pregnancy, labor, or childbirth - only what came after the pregnancy was over.

Or maybe just go on and on about how cute the Bubs is!

[Sharnita]

Actually, I'd take the hit and admit the truth rather than claim you have been too busy.

[Pippen]

Actually, I'd take the hit and admit the truth rather than claim you have been too busy.

Too busy would be a massive lie and she knows would know it, so I think the truth would be best but I don't want to upset her by me getting freaked out. I bet it is the cutest baby in the world seeing both her and hubby are ridiculously good looking. Hopefully she is so thrilled with the new arrival she can see beyond my not insignificant failings.

[gramma dishes]

I'm trying to figure out how you would even begin to tell her the "truth".  Somehow, the explanation "I get so freaked out when anyone I know and care about is going to have a baby because I'm afraid they'll die" just doesn't quite sound like the way to go.

I don't know that you have to say anything.  It's possible that she does remember your previous conversation and understands why you haven't been around.  Or maybe she doesn't.  But I think sometimes it's just best to pick up where you are now and move forward. 

Go visit them and their new little one and maybe take the baby a gift.  Don't make excuses for not having been around.  They aren't necessary.

[SamiHami]

I agree with Gramma Dishes,  but if pushed for a reason for having avoided her before the birth you wouldn't be out of line to say, perhaps a bit sheepishly, "I'm so sorry friend, but the truth is that I have a phobia regarding pregnancy and childbirth, not just for myself but for other people as well. I know it's sort of odd, but that's the truth of it. I hope you understand. But oh my gosh your baby is just the most beautiful child I've ever seen!"

For that matter, that can be used if she starts telling you stories about her labor and delivery that start to upset you, as well.

[buvezdevin]

I agree with SamiHani and grandma dishes generally (and as usual) - the one caveat I would add is that OP has posted about a couple she had as housemates who recently found they were expecting. I'm not sure if they are still housemates of OP for reasons unrelated to the pregnancy, but as OP's friends with new baby live nearby, I would not assume they are entirely unaware of OP's housemate's situation.  Whether the nearby new parents are aware or not, I think the better bet is to just gush about new baby and not offer an explanation involving pregnancy phobias which the new parents may see as odd.

[Pippen]

I agree with Gramma Dishes,  but if pushed for a reason for having avoided her before the birth you wouldn't be out of line to say, perhaps a bit sheepishly, "I'm so sorry friend, but the truth is that I have a phobia regarding pregnancy and childbirth, not just for myself but for other people as well. I know it's sort of odd, but that's the truth of it. I hope you understand. But oh my gosh your baby is just the most beautiful child I've ever seen!"

For that matter, that can be used if she starts telling you stories about her labor and delivery that start to upset you, as well.

Oh she would never push me for a reason, but I feel I need to offer one. I can handle stories after the event, it is just the lead up to it that spins me out. Someone telling me all the details of what it was like is fine because I know it is passed and they are safe, but if they mention things like "Oh my midwife recommended this breathing technique I am going to try it" that sets me off. It's very strange and kind of multi layered.

[Raintree]

I think I'd offer an excuse and make it known that I'm sorry, I realize it's lame, but.....(insert excuse) and "I've been so remiss, but I'd love to come see the baby."

Thing is, I think most pregnant women would not understand the phobia thing. Myself, I feel a slightly sick feeling when I see a pregnant belly and I don't know why. I know it's natural, I know it's not "sickening" but my reaction is what it is. It's very slight so it does not prevent me from interacting with pregnant women, but when I tried to explain it to a friend (who was not and had never been pregnant) she seemed a little shocked and horrified. She didn't seem to understand that it was just an irrational gut reaction that I knew was irrational. She took it as "I find pregnancy sickening" which I don't really. But the sight of the belly does trigger a reaction, ever so slightly. I don't even really expect other posters here to understand.

Which is why I'd go with the excuse, as your friend may not really like hearing that you have a phobia around pregnant women.

[stargazer]

How have you been having a flatmate who is pregnant and you have to see every day and yet couldn't go see your friend while she was pregnant?  I wouldn't use any excuse but just concentrate on the baby now.

[sweetonsno]

It's called "tokophobia," apparently. (Interesting!)

I would stick with a sincere apology for being MIA, along with hearty congratulations. I don't think you need to explain why if you don't think she would ask. However, if you really would prefer to give an explanation, I suggest telling a toned-down version of the truth rather than an obvious lie.

Then go with VorFemme's idea and focus on the stuff that happened after baby came home.

[Pippen]

How have you been having a flatmate who is pregnant and you have to see every day and yet couldn't go see your friend while she was pregnant?  I wouldn't use any excuse but just concentrate on the baby now.

Trust me it freaked me out. As I said, it is irrational. They had to move out as they couldn't afford to stay here. well if they had paid their rent and not spent it on 'stuff' they would have been fine.

[LifeOnPluto]

I have also heard of tokaphobia, and suspect it may actually be more common than people think! (As I've heard a few other people online say they've experienced it).

I personally wouldn't offer any excuse, unless she asks you directly "Why haven't you seen me these last 9 months?"

I also think that if she starts with the labour stories and you feel freaked out, it's ok for you to ask her to change the subject.

[peaches]

I don't think any explanation is necessary, or would be helpful. Why burden her with your issues?

I would just visit the family and gush over the baby.

[JoieDeVivre]

OP, don't beat yourself up over this.

I'm not sure how I would have handled that situation.