Author Topic: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse  (Read 7415 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #15 on: November 21, 2012, 08:11:19 AM »
I'm trying to figure out how you would even begin to tell her the "truth".  Somehow, the explanation "I get so freaked out when anyone I know and care about is going to have a baby because I'm afraid they'll die" just doesn't quite sound like the way to go.

I don't know that you have to say anything.  It's possible that she does remember your previous conversation and understands why you haven't been around.  Or maybe she doesn't.  But I think sometimes it's just best to pick up where you are now and move forward. 

Go visit them and their new little one and maybe take the baby a gift.  Don't make excuses for not having been around.  They aren't necessary.

I agree.

I also think that the best way to make up for "dropping out" is to simply drop back in.
So go, coo over the baby, and then stay in touch. Be one of the friends that doesn't pull away when the actual *baby* comes.

(and in future situations, can you talk w/ your pregnant friends by phone or email? That will keep you from totally dropping out)

CatFanatic

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #16 on: November 21, 2012, 09:05:24 AM »
Tell the truth. A phobia is a very real condition and doesn't mean you're 'crazy'.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #17 on: November 21, 2012, 09:47:01 AM »
OP, a phobia is not irrational to the person experiencing it.  I know, because I have a morbid fear of getting lost.

Visit your friend and coo over her new bundle.  If you feel you need to offer a reason (not an excuse) for your absence during her pregnancy explain your phobia in short and calm terms and reassure her that it had  nothing to do with her as a person.

Giggity

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #18 on: November 21, 2012, 10:06:06 AM »
I haven't seen her for ages because pregnancy scares the living daylights out of me.

She's not pregnant anymore, so there's nothing to be scared of.
Words mean things.

Sharnita

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #19 on: November 21, 2012, 10:09:38 AM »
I haven't seen her for ages because pregnancy scares the living daylights out of me.

She's not pregnant anymore, so there's nothing to be scared of.

I think OP has indicated that she isn't scared anymore but needs to explain her past absence.

Honeypickle

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #20 on: November 21, 2012, 10:48:17 AM »
OP, weren't you the poster who came here looking for suggestions on how to help your newly pregnant housemate and wanted ideas on nice things you could do for her? I understand that they have now moved out but I find it strange that you were trying to be so involved with that pregnant couple and yet are so spooked out by pregnancy itself that you avoid other pregnant friends completely. This doesn't seem consistent to me.

alis

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #21 on: November 21, 2012, 12:55:41 PM »
I'm guessing a new mom will be so over the moon with chatting about her new baby that she might not even ask or care about your previous absence. I just had my 2nd child about 2 weeks ago and it has never crossed my mind to chat to those who weren't present during the pregnancy, that is sort of 'in the past', as a new mother she is likely much more focused on herself and the present. It might not even be an issue to try and explain.

And yes it's tokophobia for fear of birth - I know someone who had an elective C-section after an unplanned pregnancy for this reason, it will cause extreme anxiety/stress in a person.

Pippen

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #22 on: November 21, 2012, 01:42:01 PM »
OP, weren't you the poster who came here looking for suggestions on how to help your newly pregnant housemate and wanted ideas on nice things you could do for her? I understand that they have now moved out but I find it strange that you were trying to be so involved with that pregnant couple and yet are so spooked out by pregnancy itself that you avoid other pregnant friends completely. This doesn't seem consistent to me.

Being scared of something doesn't mean you want to hurt it. it's more like a very intense worry which dramatically ramps up the closer it gets to the big event. It's really hard to explain on here as I have said, it is irrational and multi layered. Part of it is also being very conscious of my reactions and not wanting to freak them out. For example another friend I had seen when she was maybe 5 months gone, fine. I saw her at an event just a couple of weeks out from the birth and because she was so obviously preganant it just spun me out. It was all I could do not to burst into tears. I was terrified for her. It's not so bad if they have other kids as I know they have been there and done that and come out the other end fine. First babies really kick me off.

Zilla

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #23 on: November 21, 2012, 03:39:44 PM »
OP, weren't you the poster who came here looking for suggestions on how to help your newly pregnant housemate and wanted ideas on nice things you could do for her? I understand that they have now moved out but I find it strange that you were trying to be so involved with that pregnant couple and yet are so spooked out by pregnancy itself that you avoid other pregnant friends completely. This doesn't seem consistent to me.

Being scared of something doesn't mean you want to hurt it. it's more like a very intense worry which dramatically ramps up the closer it gets to the big event. It's really hard to explain on here as I have said, it is irrational and multi layered. Part of it is also being very conscious of my reactions and not wanting to freak them out. For example another friend I had seen when she was maybe 5 months gone, fine. I saw her at an event just a couple of weeks out from the birth and because she was so obviously preganant it just spun me out. It was all I could do not to burst into tears. I was terrified for her. It's not so bad if they have other kids as I know they have been there and done that and come out the other end fine. First babies really kick me off.

So do you or do not live with a pregnant housemate?  I too remember you posting about her.
Oh I see it here, http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=121204.msg2803456#msg2803456
 It must be incredibly hard to live with that fear day in and day out.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2012, 03:46:50 PM by Zilla »

hobish

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #24 on: November 21, 2012, 04:55:34 PM »

I don't think you are crazy. Then again, i don't have a phobia per se, but i am completely grossed out/freaked out by pregnancy myself. I think if you say it you just say it matter-of-factly.
"I am sorry i have not been around much. I have a pregnancy phobia."
"It's good to see you again; pregnancy freaks me out badly. What a cute baby..."

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cass2591

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #25 on: November 21, 2012, 06:53:53 PM »
You know Pippen, I'm kind of curious myself at the discrepancy between your housemate's pregnancy and your reaction to your friend. You also haven't answered the many queries about said discrepancy, and furthermore your thread about the housemate intimated that the parents weren't moving after the baby is born, yet you say in this thread that babies kick you off. Now I'm not sure what that exactly means, but it doesn't sound like you're all that fond of them, so why would you want one living in your house? They can get rather noisy at very inconvenient times, like when you're sleeping.
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Pippen

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #26 on: November 21, 2012, 10:20:58 PM »
You know Pippen, I'm kind of curious myself at the discrepancy between your housemate's pregnancy and your reaction to your friend. You also haven't answered the many queries about said discrepancy, and furthermore your thread about the housemate intimated that the parents weren't moving after the baby is born, yet you say in this thread that babies kick you off. Now I'm not sure what that exactly means, but it doesn't sound like you're all that fond of them, so why would you want one living in your house? They can get rather noisy at very inconvenient times, like when you're sleeping.

First babies. The first one always makes me very scared as it is so much riskier. By the third one I begin to relax and think "OK. They have done this before and been fine and this one will be much easier". The housemate was only just pregnant. Only 6 weeks when they told us, so it was like 'wow that is a bit of a surprise.' Well it sure was for them as well. Even at that early stage they were planning on moving back to her parents region well before the baby was born. I can handle babies no problems, it is the late stages of pregnancy and the knowledge of what is involved in the birth scares me silly. Despite what it sounds like I am great with kids. I had my first job at 14 as a live in nanny for 3 month old twins and a 2 year old in the school holidays and I did that for 4 years. I love kids but really, really couldn't even think of having them myself.

I mentioned my brother earlier and when my SIL told me she was expecting I was happy for her because she was happy but just knew my brother would be a wreck through the whole thing. The first thing when my nephew was born was "You didn't die!" She told me this a few years later as a kind of passing comment mentioned she and thought it was odd but when I explained the place it had come from she was quite shocked.

People may think it is silly, but for me it is very real. Thankfully I don't have too many triggers for it as most of my friends have had their families already or had them while I was overseas so I get to see the happy end result not the lead up to it.


Drawberry

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #27 on: November 21, 2012, 11:48:45 PM »
I think people need to understand that a trigger and a phobia is not something easily explained. For the people who suffer from particularly intense phobias and triggers it can be completely debilitating to be in that situation. You cannot explain it away, reason with it, or simply 'suck it up'. It's not at all like that, it's not a pick-and-choose situation and it's a very real fear individuals feel when placed in the particular situation that triggers them.

If your friend does not ask for an explanation, do not give one. Make up your lost time by coming back around as if you where never gone. If she does ask there is no reason to lie. Explain honestly your triggers and phobias and why (to the best of your knowledge) that you have this phobia. You are not required to give an explanation about anything in your life and doing so for someone a courtesy.

Mr Wigglybones

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #28 on: November 22, 2012, 02:11:29 AM »

First babies. The first one always makes me very scared as it is so much riskier. By the third one I begin to relax and think..

I'm confused; you have never mentioned their other kids before, and this makes it sound like they already have two. Where have they been? How come they don't live with their parents?

Giggity

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Re: Tell the truth and sound crazy or make up an excuse
« Reply #29 on: November 22, 2012, 07:44:14 AM »
You know Pippen, I'm kind of curious myself at the discrepancy between your housemate's pregnancy and your reaction to your friend. You also haven't answered the many queries about said discrepancy, and furthermore your thread about the housemate intimated that the parents weren't moving after the baby is born, yet you say in this thread that babies kick you off. Now I'm not sure what that exactly means, but it doesn't sound like you're all that fond of them, so why would you want one living in your house? They can get rather noisy at very inconvenient times, like when you're sleeping.

First babies. The first one always makes me very scared as it is so much riskier.

But that's just not true. The act of birthing a first baby, in and of itself, carries no more "danger" or "risk" than subsequent births.
Words mean things.