Author Topic: Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house *UPDATE* P25  (Read 9137 times)

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peach2play

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house *UPDATE* P25
« on: November 20, 2012, 09:04:22 PM »
BG: I took a new job this last June that had me traveling to DE every week.  I wanted someone to house sit for me and it worked out that some very good friends of mine, Sam and Trina, needed a place to move so they moved in.  I was expecting to be gone until Dec 1st and then sent to another engagement after that but the arrangement was they would have at least 6 months in the house and possibly a year but definitely 6 months.  Well, people plan and God laughs.  I ended up coming home 6 weeks early and no engagement after meant I was not going to be traveling again. Due to some really crappy events in their lives (Unexpected very large monthly charge, one lost their job, two dogs very sick and passing, another dog with major health issues, car breaking down, motorcycle hit twice while parked etc), instead of using this time to save up and then look for a place of their own, they are barely making it by even with the much reduced rent I was charging.  They also missed the part about me being pretty sure that I would be going for another 6 months after November but didn't know for sure so were expecting to not have to move for a year.

I get it, it's not an easy situation and they are angry at me which is understandable.  There is also a lot of tension in the house between the two of them over the issue that caused the very large monthly charge (no, I can't get into what that is for a lot of reasons).  I'm not staying there.  If I would have moved back into the house when I came home we would have had 4 dogs and 5 cats in the house with 1 dog having major cat aggression and 1 cat having major dog aggression issues.  They have since lost 2 dogs (in one week no less) but it still would be a zoo and their fights are epic and I really don't want to be in that environment.  They keep telling me it's my house and I should spend more time over there and I would but things like the following story keep happening and I don't know if I should even try or just let it go and hope it will calm down after they leave/BG

I was over there Sunday morning to meet my boyfriend so we could go to Thanksgiving at my Aunt's house.  Sam mentioned he was going to tear down his car by 4 so he could watch the football game.   Football is extremely important to Sam and a little less so to Trina but not by much.  I said something to the effect of it's a football Sunday, you're not going to get your car torn apart by 4.  It's football.  Sam laughed and insisted he would.  He also mentioned that a mutual friend (MF) and his son (MFS) were coming over to help (and to hopefully get the son interested in mechanics instead of playing video games 24x7) and wanted to know if my BFF wanted to come over as well.  I said sure, I was planning on changing the oil on my bike so I'll pick up dinner on the way home and let BFF know we are all hanging out and to come over.  BFF says he'll think about it but ends up not making it over.

BF and I get back from my Aunts and the grocery store at around 4:30.  MF is in the garage with Sam.  MFS is in the house with Trina watching a movie.  I asked MFS why he was in the house instead of outside helping with the car.  Trina caught my eye and shook her head in that warning gesture of don't ask.  I quickly said I was going to change the oil on the bike if he wanted to come out and help.  Trina said she would come out and help.  MSF stayed inside thankfully.  Sam and MF are bent over the car still tearing it apart. 

Teasingly I said something to Sam about the car not being done by 4 expecting the response of it's Football Sunday and something about football comes first or something to that effect.  This is the only thing I can think of that I did that would lead to what happened.  In hindsight I probably struck a nerve but I had no way of knowing that and we joke around about stuff all the time.  He mumbled something about well, the car's done now and I laughed.  I realized our used oil containers were all full so I started to gather them to take the oil to recycling and asked him if he could move his bike over so I would have enough room to change the oil on my bike (they were sitting side by side and he had tools spread out everywhere else). 

He moved his bike and then went and grabbed the rear stand and started to put my bike up on the stand.  I said, "It's ok, I'll do it when I get back." He continued as if he didn't hear me.  I said, "No Sam, thanks, I got it. I'll put it up when I get back"  Still no response.  I said, "Sam, stop. Don't put my bike up on the stand."  Trina jumped in at that point and said, "Sam she said stop." He then looked right at me with this expression of "I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and you can't do anything about it." and popped my bike up on the rear stand as I said, "Dude, really?"  I turned around, grabbed the keys to my car, and BF and I left with out another word.

In the motorcycle world, you do not touch another persons bike with out express permission.  I have had permission to move their bikes before and I still won't do it.  It is a great sign of disrespect and a huge slap in the face to do so and it has been known to cause huge physical fights in biker bars.  I knew that rising to his level at the time wouldn't have done any good, and getting angry wouldn't accomplish anything but letting him feel like he won but should I say something now?  If so, what should I say?

*Edited for spacing and clairity
« Last Edit: November 23, 2012, 07:27:55 PM by peach2play »

SamiHami

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2012, 09:55:40 PM »
They didn't "forget" that they might have to leave in 6 months rather than a year; they were hoping they could stay a year and since it didn't work out that way, they (or at least Sam) have decided that you are to blame for their problems. That does not negate the kindness that you showed them by giving them reduced-cost housing for 1/2 a year. Don't forget that; a kindness doesn't stop being a kindness just because it doesn't go on forever.

I'm not in the biker world and even I know that you do.not.touch someone else's bike without permission. Sam messing with yours, after being told to stop 4 times (3 times by you, 1 time by Trina) is an overt act of aggression. Quite simply, they need to go. Be glad that December 1 is right around the corner.

I would also seriously consider moving back in there a couple of days before the first, because someone willing to be as aggressive as Sam is a high risk for doing something spiteful before he goes. Keep a close eye on things until they are out. As for the unexpected expense, try to get it back if you can, but I suspect you won't see a dime. From what you describe, Sam and Trina appear to live drama filled lives and will probably never be in a position to pay you back.

In the future, I suggest you rent to strangers and have everything done on paper, all nice and legally spelled out.

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sidi-ji

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2012, 09:59:06 PM »
Say:  Here is  the date I want you to be out by.  Sam  was spoiling for a fight, and seems to have read your picking up the oil cans as a tacit criticism of him.

cheyne

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2012, 10:01:57 PM »
I am not in the bike world, but I have heard that touching another's ride without permission is verboten.

I know that you are sorry to hear about all of Sam and Trina's problems, but they are not your problems.  You have been very kind and a good friend to let them live in your home for 6 months, but you are back and they need to go.  You should not have to live somewhere other than your home  no matter how close the friendship.

I agree with SamiHami, Sam is being very aggressive here.  I am sure they are upset about having to leave, but they certainly shouldn't be angry with you! 

I would tell them that they need to be out of your home by Dec 15.  That gives them 4 weeks to find alternate housing. 

peach2play

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2012, 10:17:40 PM »
You know, you all are right, it was a direct act of aggression and I will bring the bike over here to my mom's house tomorrow after my ride. 

A little clarification...the unexpected monthly expense is not mine but Sam's and he doesn't owe me the money so thankfully that's not an issue.  Their deadline to be out of the house is Nov 31st and was given to them the day I found out I would not be leaving on another assignment which was Oct 11th.  I want to thank all of you at EHell for helping me grow my spine of steel because in the past I would have tried to work it out so they could stay in the house to keep helping enabling them.

OT but I just realized how hard my post is to read even thought I thought I put enough breaks in there so I'll fix it.

snowdragon

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2012, 10:55:08 PM »
I would take pictures now, and pictures after so that if they do something you have proof

Deetee

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2012, 11:03:27 PM »
I don't have much to say, but I am very glad that you are getting them to move You were doing them a HUGE favour with 6 months rent at half rent and instead of being grateful, they are mad at you. That shows what kind of people they are, not what kind of person you are.



Petticoats

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2012, 11:22:18 PM »
Since they'll be out so soon, you may not need to bring up the bike incident--and I hope you won't. But if you suspect he may pull something like that again, it might be a good idea, at some quiet, less fraught time, to call him on it and let him know that you expect to be treated with more respect, especially in your own home. I would be furious in your shoes. I hope everything goes smoothly with their move as far as your getting your place back to yourself is concerned.

Sophia

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2012, 11:39:00 PM »
I know zero about the bike world and my first thought was, "He just peed on her bed!"

Nora

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #9 on: November 21, 2012, 09:14:52 AM »
I know zero about the bike world and my first thought was, "He just peed on her bed!"

Ditto.
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

blue2000

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #10 on: November 21, 2012, 10:24:07 AM »
I know zero about the bike world and my first thought was, "He just peed on her bed!"

Ditto.

Hmm. Me too. It sounded so much like a territory thing.
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

Sophia

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #11 on: November 21, 2012, 11:26:04 AM »
I know zero about the bike world and my first thought was, "He just peed on her bed!"

Ditto.

Hmm. Me too. It sounded so much like a territory thing.

That reminds me the other thing I thought when reading the OP.  "And he has taken over her territory."  After all, it is HER house, and she avoids it.  Good riddance to them.

TootsNYC

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #12 on: November 21, 2012, 11:39:39 AM »
I'm not in the bike world, and I'd be pissed off after telling him THREE times to leave it alone. Whatever it was, it was mine.

If you *wanted* to talk with him, I'd ask to sit down, and then I'd say:
"Sam, I want to tell you something. I need to tell you the complete thing, so please don't interrupt. When I came over to deal with my bike, apparently you were in some sort of mood. That's not my problem, and I don't ever want you to make your moods my problem again. You're a grownup; you can control your emotions.
   "But the biggest thing I'm angry about is that you moved my bike--after I told you three times to leave it alone. I don't care *what* sort of mood you were in, I don't care who you were pissed off at. I don't even care if it was me. You messed with my stuff after I told you three times to leave it alone. That's the height of rudeness. And it's even more extreme in the bike world--a world that I know you are aware of.
   "The other thing that made me really mad was the 'I dare you' look. This is *my* home. It is *my* house. You are living here as a gift from me. And while you don't need to apologize for living, you should be treating me civilly at the VERY least.
    "Just to reiterate--you will need to be out by the end of the month, as was previously stated. And there will be absolutely no flexibility."

bopper

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #13 on: November 21, 2012, 11:45:35 AM »
I would say "Sam and Trina, you need to find another place to live.  My work plans have changed unexpectedly and I will be moving back full time."


Seraphine1

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Re: Extreme disrespect in my own house
« Reply #14 on: November 21, 2012, 12:28:50 PM »
You know, you all are right, it was a direct act of aggression and I will bring the bike over here to my mom's house tomorrow after my ride. 

A little clarification...the unexpected monthly expense is not mine but Sam's and he doesn't owe me the money so thankfully that's not an issue.  Their deadline to be out of the house is Nov 31st and was given to them the day I found out I would not be leaving on another assignment which was Oct 11th.  I want to thank all of you at EHell for helping me grow my spine of steel because in the past I would have tried to work it out so they could stay in the house to keep helping enabling them.

OT but I just realized how hard my post is to read even thought I thought I put enough breaks in there so I'll fix it.


I just noticed this... November only has 30 days, there is no November 31st. 

Sam won't try to hold this against you will he?  (waiting for an actual Nov 31st to move out?)

He's being an aggressive jerk - the nerve mistreating you when you've done them this massive favour.