Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.

[Loruaus]

I have had a weekend away (this coming weekend) booked in with one of my besties since mid September, it was meant to be fly up Thursday evening and spend the night at her house, then drive down to nice town for Friday and Saturday night and stay at nice resort. I will then fly out of nice town on Sunday and friend will return home.

Since the origional plan (but still hadnt booked flights or accomodation) we have bought a house which we have a very short (for Australia) settlement on and are getting the keys this Friday (YAY!) While I am excited about the house I do trust my husband to do the final inspection without me and he has said he is happy to have the kids and move a few smaller things in.

About 3 weeks ago friend told me she has organised an open on her rental property for Saturday that she needs to be there for. The clash in dates was very avoidable but sometimes accidents happen and I do not believe for a second that it was intentional, she is just not that person. So I told her no worries, it is dissapointing it happened but we can change our plans and stay at her house Thursday and Friday night then drive down to nice town Saturday after the open house.
About three days later I confirmed with her our plans and then booked my flights and accomodation.

On Saturday of last week I found out that her dog (whom they are very attached too) had surgery to remove cancer from his face, the poor little woofa looked very sad about his ordeal. But from keepeing in touch with her to get updates on the dog it would appear he his getting alot better every day.
Today I recieve a call from friend and am told that husband is giving her grief about leaving him with the responsibility of the dog for 24hours and doesnt want friend to go. Special requirements for the dog at this stage is the application of cream to the wound three times a day.
Friend wants to now stay at her house for the whole time and she will drive me to nice town on Sunday to catch my flight. I told friend that I am not happy with this option, that I have already compromised and am not willing to do so any further and that I do not want to spend the time at her house if husband is in that mood (I have known husband since before they were even dating which is about 17 years and he gets in 'those moods')
I told her I was happy to spend the Thursday and Friday night at her house and then get dropped off at nice town where I will catch up on my reading.

I cannot get a refund for flights or accomodation, I could postpone 1 of the flights for another time.
Friend believes that my attitude is unreasonable and feels that if I will still get to see friend and hang out so there shouldnt be any problems with her suggestion. I am hurt and angry at the turn of events, and really believe that up till now I have been reasonable.

Am I being unreasonable?

[gen xer]

No....not at all.  You have already been quite accomodating by agreeing to a change in plans and you know what?  It goes both ways. I would not be pleased to have plans where I had to book flights and accomodations derailed by a dog that needed ointment.

[diesel_darlin]

No....not at all.  You have already been quite accomodating by agreeing to a change in plans and you know what?  It goes both ways. I would not be pleased to have plans where I had to book flights and accomodations derailed by a dog that needed ointment.

This. I do not think you are being unreasonable either.

[blarg314]

So as I understand it, the original plan of one night at your friend's house, and two days at a nice resort with your friend has changed to three days at your friend's house with her husband in a sulky mood. This is the second re-arrangement for what were both avoidable issues, and you will still have to pay for the hotel room in resort town, even if you stay with friend all three nights.

Personally, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to spend Thursday and Friday evening with your friend, and head down to the resort town on Saturday as planned, to get your money's worth. The only difference is that I'd leave *before* your friend's open house, as she's not really going to be available to socialize then. You've paid for the the hotel already, you might as well enjoy it. And you can't reschedule your flights to a better time.

I'm assuming your friend has not spontaneously offered to cover the hotel costs, by the way. If she had, or if the reschedulings had been for really unavoidable stuff, you'd likely have been more willing to forgo your original plans.

[Deetee]

Nope, you are not unreasonable. You have been flexible and accomodating.

I'm not sure what the best choice is now. Your friend seems to want to do anything to keep her husband happy and/or is not as into this trip as you. The husband sounds like a pill, but there isn't much hope of that changing. I think I would just make it very very clear to the friend what you are willing to do and what you are not.

Something like

"Friend, I was really looking to this time at the resort with just you and me. I was OK with switching from 2 days in the nice town to just one day because of the mix-up with the rental, but staying for three days at your house with you and your husband is just not the same as the vacation we had planned. As far as I can tell the only reason you want to cancel is because your husband doesn't want to put the cream on the dog's face and that is not a good enough reason to cancel for me.

So I will come down on Friday and then go down to resort town by myself. I would rather spend the time with you, but if you can't do that, I would rather spend the time by myself than stay with you and your husband. "

I might make some appeal to the friendship, but (personally) I wouldn't be able to stay with them because I would be too annoyed at the sulky useless husband and her for listening to him to have a good time.

[Iris]

Nope, you are not unreasonable. You have been flexible and accomodating.

I'm not sure what the best choice is now. Your friend seems to want to do anything to keep her husband happy and/or is not as into this trip as you. The husband sounds like a pill, but there isn't much hope of that changing. I think I would just make it very very clear to the friend what you are willing to do and what you are not.

Something like

"Friend, I was really looking to this time at the resort with just you and me. I was OK with switching from 2 days in the nice town to just one day because of the mix-up with the rental, but staying for three days at your house with you and your husband is just not the same as the vacation we had planned. As far as I can tell the only reason you want to cancel is because your husband doesn't want to put the cream on the dog's face and that is not a good enough reason to cancel for me.

So I will come down on Friday and then go down to resort town by myself. I would rather spend the time with you, but if you can't do that, I would rather spend the time by myself than stay with you and your husband. "

I might make some appeal to the friendship, but (personally) I wouldn't be able to stay with them because I would be too annoyed at the sulky useless husband and her for listening to him to have a good time.

I like this. She may choose to indulge her husband in his moods and that is fine. Doesn't mean *you* have to.

[Loruaus]

Friend has offered to reimburse all costs associated with this trip, but this is not about the money and I am not interested in reimbursment. If this goes pear shaped and I lose the lot I will call it a lesson learnt (and hopefully learn from it!)

I do not like friends husband and im fairly sure he doesnt like me, he is a pill and he pulls stunts like this on a regular basis (more regular than she admits I am guessing) and she does roll over and give into him almost every time. I support my friend and her choice to have a relationship with her husband, for the sake of my friend and her sanity I often keep my mouth shut on issues that have me screaming inside. The moment she tells me she has had enough I will go and get my truck license and be on her doorstep in a flash! However, her choice to give in to his bad behaviour is her own decision but when he tries to assert his 'power' onto me then there are issues. I am not meek, I am not without spine and I to not take attempted trampling lighty.

I feel for my friend because she honestly is the most all round amazing person I have met and I only wish she knew her worth, but unfortunately low self esteem has alot to answer for 

I do not trust husband to pull similar stunts even if I do reorganize this trip. Friend told me weeks ago (before the dog) that he was very and vocally unhappy about this planned trip but was hoping that after a weekend camping trip he would be in a better mood. Well, it seems that he came up with another excuse.

Friend sent me a txt letting me know that she is dissapointed in my reaction to the changes and is worried what it will mean for our future. 

[Iris]

Is it only me who hears hubby's voice behind that text?

[Loruaus]

Deetee, I like your suggestion and am planning on using it.

Right now I am only communicating in txt, if I actually talk to her I just dont trust myself to not say something about her husband and relationship that cannot be taken back.

[Loruaus]

That txt was all friend, I doubt friend has let husband know what is going on yet. He would probably start a rant and things would be much more stressfull for her.

I know friend can be selective on what information she passes on. Their whole relationship is just one big flashing red light on abusive.

[Free Range Hippy Chick]

Is it only me who hears hubby's voice behind that text?

Me too, Iris. I'm not necessarily hearing that he dictated it word for word, but I'm hearing 'I don't want you spending time with somebody I don't like so I'm going to throw as many objections in the way as I can until no matter what you do you can't have a good time'.

[peaches]

I'd fly in and rent a car upon arrival, with the intention of driving myself to the resort for a pleasant stay. 

I'd tell DF that I'd love to see her, if she wants to drive down to the resort on Saturday.

I would not stay at DF's house.

Alternatively, I'd cancel the trip and use whatever tickets I could at a later date.

[Loruaus]

UPDATE

Well I finally sent a reply to her message

The money is not the issue here and I really would prefer that you do not transfer anything across.
I was really looking forward to relaxing in nice town and spending time with you and was okay with switching from 2 days to 1 at the resort because of the mixup with your rental. But staying the three nights at your house with you and husband is just not the same as the getaway we had planned. From what you have told me so far the only reason you want to cancel is because husband doesn't want to put cream on dogs face and this is  not a good enough reason to cancel for me. I am sorry that this situation is stressing to you, however I feel that with the compromises I have already made I have been more the reasonable in my expectations for things to continue as planned. If there are other factors going on in your life at the moment that make this weekend difficult then you needed to let me know before everything was booked and before I was really excited about the whole package.
Rescheduling to a better time or a complete change of plans well ahead of time would not of been an issue. I do not want to make this situation a bigger deal than it really is, but currently I feel let down and disappointed in how everything has been handled. Frankly we both deserve this weekend and now it is no where near the weekend we origionally had planned.
If I knew this would happen then I would have scrapped it and started the plans again for a more convenient time.

I think I did well. I managed to get most of my points across without sounding holier than thou or snarky.

[Shakira]

Good update OP! Your letter seemed to get all your points across. I hope your friend sees the truth in it.

Have a nice weekend away!

[TootsNYC]

Another solution would have been to say, "Let's go w/ my plan at first. And maybe we can find some interesting or relaxing things to do in your town. Plus, you won't be available during the house thing anyway."



That puts the responsibility on them to make your stay pleasant.