Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.

[Raintree]

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I'd be none too pleased to have my relaxing vacation getaway in Nice Town with Friend changed to "hang about at Friend's house for three days with pill of a husband so he doesn't have to put cream on dog's face."

You must know my sister. She also has a pill of a husband, who finds ways to sulk and guilt her into not leaving him alone for any length of time. And she always caves to him. Everyone around her is tired of hearing the phrase, "Husband wants...." when referring to family outings.

Your story sounds tiresomely familiar. Sis and BIL lived out of country for a while, and when they came back to visit I was SO looking forward to seeing my sister. We planned, in advance, a day together to explore Nice Town, just us. I was to meet her in Nice Town as this fit in with their itinerary (they were going there anyway). Two days before, it was announced that BIL was joining us. Not only was BIL joining us, but the plan was now, "meet in Nice Town, but immediately get in the car and drive somewhere else 2 hours away, that BIL wants to go to." I protested that I was already travelling 2 hours to Nice Town, so it would be a pointless day trip for me to get into a car and travel somewhere further; the entire day would be taken up with travelling. BIL said to me, "Oh, well you don't have to come if you don't want to." (Classic PA move or what?)

You were looking forward to a weekend at Nice Town Resort and I think you should go ahead with it and not indulge any lame excuses.

[Loruaus]

Another Update

Well weekend is off.

The town she lives in is not exactly a mecca for transport options, it is the main town with smaller out lying areas around it. So not wanting to be at her mercy with transport I searched the internet for options that would make me a little more self sufficunt. After a quick search I found that car hire was expensive, bus's are only fairly local (nice town is 2 hours away) and taxi's are available bt not really an option for what I need. I did find that a cross counrty train goes through town once a day that I could use to get myself to nice town and airport.

With this information in hand I rang friend and asked wether or not she wanted me to come for the weekend. Friend said no, she has already written off weekend and needs to spend some time thinking and  relaxing. That we can just forget the weekend and try again another time. (yeah right, like im going to let myself get into this situation again  )

So after that I said that I needed to go. 

I wasnt angry with her yesterday, I was angry with husband. Today I am angry with her. That she rolls over every time he chucks a 2 yr old tanty. I still hold out hope that she will one day realise that she is worth so much more.

But till then I will learn my lesson and not allow husband to play these sorts of games with me, I didnt marry the man so I dont have to 

[Raintree]

Sorry to hear that the nice weekend you were looking forward to isn't going to happen. I'd be pretty peeved too, especially since accommodations and other arrangements had already been made.

[Iris]

I would be mad at a friend who did that to me too.  What gets me is that she said she had *already* written off the weekend and hadn't let you know. I hope she reimburses you for your non-refundable transport etc.

{{{hugs}}} and I am sorry that your friend has let you down like this. It's a mystery to me why so many women give into childish behaviour from their husbands when they would never accept the same thing from a friend.

[lkdrymom]

I have one of those 'pill of a husband' and it took me a few years to get up the stones to tell him I was doing something whether he liked it or not. Sometimes he'd put up a fuss but he got over it and now rarely fusses at all. I also know that your friend's DH will make her life miserable for awhile when she doesn't do as he says and not everyone is confortable living like that. What she doesn't realize is that once she starts pushing back on a regular basis, he will back down.

Women put up with this childish behavior becuase they are afraid of the alternative....making every day a livign hell or just walking out(which is the long run is probably fo rthe best but in the short  run very traumatic).

[O'Dell]

With this information in hand I rang friend and asked wether or not she wanted me to come for the weekend. Friend said no, she has already written off weekend and needs to spend some time thinking and  relaxing. That we can just forget the weekend and try again another time. (yeah right, like im going to let myself get into this situation again  )

So after that I said that I needed to go. 

I wasnt angry with her yesterday, I was angry with husband. Today I am angry with her. That she rolls over every time he chucks a 2 yr old tanty. I still hold out hope that she will one day realise that she is worth so much more.

But till then I will learn my lesson and not allow husband to play these sorts of games with me, I didnt marry the man so I dont have to 

Were you clear about the bolded when you talked to her before? Because I got the impression from what you said here that you were mad at her. I can see how she'd be put off if you gave her that impression.

[JenJay]

So now she's completely canceled the weekend and doesn't want you to come at all? I'd call her back and say "Since you're now asking me not to come, and my ticket is nonrefundable, I'm going to take you up on your offer to reimburse me." 

[SiotehCat]

While I don't agree with exactly how your friend has approached this situation, I can understand her husband and his position.

If my dog just had cancer removed from his face and DH wanted to go away with a friend, I would be pretty upset.

[Deetee]

I'm sorry that it has turned out that way and she chose her husband's whining about staying with their dog over your long planned and anticipated trip.

[Raintree]

If my dog just had cancer removed from his face and DH wanted to go away with a friend, I would be pretty upset.

Really? Even if the dog was recovering well, and just needed some ointment applied to its face? Even if the weekend away had been planned for months and your spouse's friend had already booked airfare and accommodations? I've loved all the animals I've ever had more than anything, but I think I'd be able to cope with the post-op on my own and encourage the spouse (if I had one) to honour the commitment to the friend.

[Raintree]

Women put up with this childish behavior becuase they are afraid of the alternative....making every day a livign hell or just walking out(which is the long run is probably fo rthe best but in the short  run very traumatic).

My sister alluded to this in a conversation once, in which she said something like, "Husband doesn't want to do X, and so I can't come either because he doesn't want to be alone at Major Family Holiday" (X being coming to see sick family member who could be on last legs, which my sister had previously indicated she would like to do, with or without him). There is more to the story that I don't want to detail here, but it was just one in a long list of times everyone had to reschedule or reorganize things to fit what he wanted.

This time, I said, "well I think that's rather self-centred of him" and she stopped me and said, "I know. I know! But I'm the one who has to live with him" and I left it at that. They generally seem pretty happy together but he does have his way of controlling group/family activities to suit him, never mind what other people want or who else is inconvenienced.

[lkdrymom]

Hon, you know that's not a healthy relationship, right?

Was that really necessary?

My point was that once you stop giving in everytime, they will start to back down and not make a fuss when you want to do something. I know alot of women in this situation, when their DH wants to go and do something he does, but when they want to do something that have to make all sorts of arrangements and accomodations so no one is inconvenienced.  If the DH in this post wanted to do something I am sure he would not have considered the dog's situation for one second, afterall wifey cna handle it....but when the shoe is on the other foot suddenly it is a big hardship. She needs to call his bluff.

[SiotehCat]

If my dog just had cancer removed from his face and DH wanted to go away with a friend, I would be pretty upset.

Really? Even if the dog was recovering well, and just needed some ointment applied to its face? Even if the weekend away had been planned for months and your spouse's friend had already booked airfare and accommodations? I've loved all the animals I've ever had more than anything, but I think I'd be able to cope with the post-op on my own and encourage the spouse (if I had one) to honour the commitment to the friend.

Yes,  really.

I am fully capable of taking care of our dog on my own. That isn't what would upset me. It would upset me to have a spouse that would leave our dog at a time when our dog needed him/her the most. Especially for something unnecessary as a weekend getaway.

[LeveeWoman]

It's a dog, not a child.

[SiotehCat]

It's a dog, not a child.

Was this directed at me? I never confused it for a child.