Author Topic: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.  (Read 8292 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Deetee

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5659
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #30 on: November 23, 2012, 02:53:53 PM »
If my dog just had cancer removed from his face and DH wanted to go away with a friend, I would be pretty upset.

Really? Even if the dog was recovering well, and just needed some ointment applied to its face? Even if the weekend away had been planned for months and your spouse's friend had already booked airfare and accommodations? I've loved all the animals I've ever had more than anything, but I think I'd be able to cope with the post-op on my own and encourage the spouse (if I had one) to honour the commitment to the friend.

Yes,  really.

I am fully capable of taking care of our dog on my own. That isn't what would upset me. It would upset me to have a spouse that would leave our dog at a time when our dog needed him/her the most. Especially for something unnecessary as a weekend getaway.

I'm fairly certain you are firmly in the minority as to have this dynamic and expectation in your relationship. That is fine for your relationship, but I would also hope that neither your husband nor yourself would ever make plans for trips that involve other people planning and paying money in anticipation of your attendance. Because, what this "friend" did is so unfair to the OP, it has damaged their friendship.


LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4187
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #31 on: November 23, 2012, 03:02:31 PM »
Will a dog even know--or, care--that the husband is the only there to put cream on its face for 24 hours?

SiotehCat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3708
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #32 on: November 23, 2012, 03:04:50 PM »
If my dog just had cancer removed from his face and DH wanted to go away with a friend, I would be pretty upset.

Really? Even if the dog was recovering well, and just needed some ointment applied to its face? Even if the weekend away had been planned for months and your spouse's friend had already booked airfare and accommodations? I've loved all the animals I've ever had more than anything, but I think I'd be able to cope with the post-op on my own and encourage the spouse (if I had one) to honour the commitment to the friend.

Yes,  really.

I am fully capable of taking care of our dog on my own. That isn't what would upset me. It would upset me to have a spouse that would leave our dog at a time when our dog needed him/her the most. Especially for something unnecessary as a weekend getaway.

I'm fairly certain you are firmly in the minority as to have this dynamic and expectation in your relationship. That is fine for your relationship, but I would also hope that neither your husband nor yourself would ever make plans for trips that involve other people planning and paying money in anticipation of your attendance. Because, what this "friend" did is so unfair to the OP, it has damaged their friendship.

Yeah, I am in the minority here, but OP did say that friend and her DH were both very attached to their dog. My DH and I are very attached to our cats and dog, so I can relate to friend.

I did say in my first post that I didn't think friend handled it the best way. I think she should have canceled much earlier, apologized profusely and then reimbursed OP if things couldn't be refunded.

LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4187
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #33 on: November 23, 2012, 03:08:06 PM »
If my dog just had cancer removed from his face and DH wanted to go away with a friend, I would be pretty upset.

Really? Even if the dog was recovering well, and just needed some ointment applied to its face? Even if the weekend away had been planned for months and your spouse's friend had already booked airfare and accommodations? I've loved all the animals I've ever had more than anything, but I think I'd be able to cope with the post-op on my own and encourage the spouse (if I had one) to honour the commitment to the friend.

Yes,  really.

I am fully capable of taking care of our dog on my own. That isn't what would upset me. It would upset me to have a spouse that would leave our dog at a time when our dog needed him/her the most. Especially for something unnecessary as a weekend getaway.

I'm fairly certain you are firmly in the minority as to have this dynamic and expectation in your relationship. That is fine for your relationship, but I would also hope that neither your husband nor yourself would ever make plans for trips that involve other people planning and paying money in anticipation of your attendance. Because, what this "friend" did is so unfair to the OP, it has damaged their friendship.

Yeah, I am in the minority here, but OP did say that friend and her DH were both very attached to their dog. My DH and I are very attached to our cats and dog, so I can relate to friend.

I did say in my first post that I didn't think friend handled it the best way. I think she should have canceled much earlier, apologized profusely and then reimbursed OP if things couldn't be refunded.

If they're both attached to the dog, why is her husband giving her grief over her going away for 24 hours?

SiotehCat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3708
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #34 on: November 23, 2012, 03:08:47 PM »
Will a dog even know--or, care--that the husband is the only there to put cream on its face for 24 hours?

I don't think it really matters. I get asked this all the time about my cats. If I believe they care, then that's what matters.

The issues with the dog, friend and her DH are between them. The only place where etiquette comes in is with canceling the trip. Their relationship with each other or their dog isn't anyone's business.

LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4187
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #35 on: November 23, 2012, 03:13:18 PM »
Will a dog even know--or, care--that the husband is the only there to put cream on its face for 24 hours?

I don't think it really matters. I get asked this all the time about my cats. If I believe they care, then that's what matters.

The issues with the dog, friend and her DH are between them. The only place where etiquette comes in is with canceling the trip. Their relationship with each other or their dog isn't anyone's business.

You're the one who brought it up.

Twik

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 28647
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #36 on: November 23, 2012, 03:24:03 PM »
Well, the issue is not that Friend said she couldn't leave her dog in the circumstances. It's that her husband didn't want to be left with the responsiblity.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4187
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #37 on: November 23, 2012, 03:27:22 PM »
Well, the issue is not that Friend said she couldn't leave her dog in the circumstances. It's that her husband didn't want to be left with the responsiblity.

The whole sum of which consists of putting cream on its face three times in 24 hours.

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #38 on: November 23, 2012, 03:41:24 PM »
If my dog just had cancer removed from his face and DH wanted to go away with a friend, I would be pretty upset.

Really? Even if the dog was recovering well, and just needed some ointment applied to its face? Even if the weekend away had been planned for months and your spouse's friend had already booked airfare and accommodations? I've loved all the animals I've ever had more than anything, but I think I'd be able to cope with the post-op on my own and encourage the spouse (if I had one) to honour the commitment to the friend.

Yes,  really.

I am fully capable of taking care of our dog on my own. That isn't what would upset me. It would upset me to have a spouse that would leave our dog at a time when our dog needed him/her the most. Especially for something unnecessary as a weekend getaway.

So you think the recovery time is the "needs him most" time?  So the before surgery, during surgery or gosh forbid when the animal is being put down those aren't the "needs him most" times nope its the "hey everything went well, dog is recovering just fine, only needs a bit of ointment every 8 hours" is the "most" time?  Or are you exaggerating?  Because honestly I would think the ointment recovery time is "needs one owner" time not "needs both owners now more then any other time ever" time - which is of course what "most" means, it means more then other times.

OP's friend wasn't ever planning to leave the dog while the dog was entering surgery, or while the dog was in the hospital recovering, or when the dog was suffering before surgery  those to me are the "needs most" attention times are.  Apparently to you those are just "lesser needs" moments?  I think the recovery time is a "lesser needs" time personally, and since the dog has the husband there, I see no "need" at all for the wife to also be there.

Raintree

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6035
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #39 on: November 23, 2012, 03:44:49 PM »
Well, the issue is not that Friend said she couldn't leave her dog in the circumstances. It's that her husband didn't want to be left with the responsiblity.

Exactly.

And as I mentioned, I get extremely attached to my animals. And I know animals grieve for their owners when they go away, recent surgery or no recent surgery. I still go away from time to time. I'm already thinking about how much I'm going to miss my pet and how awful I will feel putting her in boarding for three days when I go away at Christmas to visit family. I'm still doing it. People do go away from time to time. The friend in this instance initially made plans to go away, so clearly she felt OK with leaving the dog with her husband, even though surely the dog would have missed her even if it hadn't had surgery. But hubby didn't want to be left with the responsibility of applying cream a few times. (He was already giving her grief about going even before they knew about the surgery, so this is likely an excuse and control issue rather than concern for the dog).

Presumably when the plans were first made, the husband was still going to be left with the responsibility of walking the dog, feeding it, making sure water is filled, etc.

Raintree

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6035
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #40 on: November 23, 2012, 04:26:54 PM »
This is all kind of reminding me of a time long ago with a former friend. She'd always be super keen and gung-ho about doing things (things that were often her idea to begin with, not mine), but she'd cancel the morning of the outing saying she was too tired, or she felt like she needed to catch up on housework. Or she'd say it was still on and we'd meet at 10 AM, but when I arrived at her house to pick her up she'd still be in her pyjamas and invite me to "come on in, relax, we'll get going eventually." Until it got so late there was no point going. It'd have been fine if the day had been billed as "chilling at her house" to begin with, but it was usually something a little more active planned.

The last time I ever tried to plan anything with her, she suggested we take a three day camping weekend somewhere in the middle of summer (on a long weekend). I was really looking forward to it, and since I worked retail which meant shift work, I booked the three days off. It was rare for me to get a summer long weekend off as retail operations give those out extremely sparingly, and I was excited about doing something. She was really keen too.

As the weekend drew closer, the excuses started: "I think it's going to be too hot" (It never gets very hot where I live); "I think I'd like to just go up for the Saturday/Sunday but have a day at home on Monday." "I think I don't want to go for an overnight, but drive up on the one day." "Maybe we'll stick closer to home and instead of camping, we'll do day trips to the local park." And then she just wanted to loaf at home.

I was so upset because for this rare summer long weekend off, I now had no plans and it was too late to join in on anyone else's plans. So I stayed home and did nothing, as at that late stage I couldn't find anyone else to go do things with (fun things anyway, that require trip partners). I didn't need a long weekend off for that!!

I call her a "former" friend because although we had no particular falling out, after that I got tired of her unreliability and didn't make any further plans with her.

Oh and I wish some of these people that make plans for fun outings with friends would realize that "hanging out at their place" just isn't all that exciting, much as their friends may enjoy their company, unless that was the plan in the first place. If you want to invite me over, great, but don't bill it as some outside activity and change it to "let's just loaf at my place."




Iris

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3867
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #41 on: November 23, 2012, 04:28:43 PM »
Well, the issue is not that Friend said she couldn't leave her dog in the circumstances. It's that her husband didn't want to be left with the responsiblity.

Exactly.

And as I mentioned, I get extremely attached to my animals. And I know animals grieve for their owners when they go away, recent surgery or no recent surgery. I still go away from time to time. I'm already thinking about how much I'm going to miss my pet and how awful I will feel putting her in boarding for three days when I go away at Christmas to visit family. I'm still doing it. People do go away from time to time. The friend in this instance initially made plans to go away, so clearly she felt OK with leaving the dog with her husband, even though surely the dog would have missed her even if it hadn't had surgery. But hubby didn't want to be left with the responsibility of applying cream a few times. (He was already giving her grief about going even before they knew about the surgery, so this is likely an excuse and control issue rather than concern for the dog).

Presumably when the plans were first made, the husband was still going to be left with the responsibility of walking the dog, feeding it, making sure water is filled, etc.

POD. I don't think this is a "Can't-leave-the-dog-thing" because she had NO problem leaving the dog until the husband complained. I think it is a "husband-doesn't-want-wife-to-go-away" thing. In any event, although I disagree with it, it is the wife's choice if she wants to cater to her husband's every passing whim but that doesn't mean that the OP needs to be willing to or that etiquette no longer applies. Like all choices there are consequences, and one consequence may be that she loses female friends that she brushes off at the last minute for no good reason.

Hon, you know that's not a healthy relationship, right?

Was that really necessary?

My point was that once you stop giving in everytime, they will start to back down and not make a fuss when you want to do something. I know alot of women in this situation, when their DH wants to go and do something he does, but when they want to do something that have to make all sorts of arrangements and accomodations so no one is inconvenienced.  If the DH in this post wanted to do something I am sure he would not have considered the dog's situation for one second, afterall wifey cna handle it....but when the shoe is on the other foot suddenly it is a big hardship. She needs to call his bluff.

FWIW I thought it sounded like a pretty healthy relationship. You communicated your needs effectively and your DH respected and loved you enough to change his behaviour that was impinging on your happiness. I really don't see the problem tbh.



Edited because I hit post before I actually typed anything  :-[
« Last Edit: November 23, 2012, 04:36:43 PM by Iris »
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Loruaus

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 27
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #42 on: November 24, 2012, 04:16:54 AM »
Friend has NO issues leaving dog for a weekend. Dog is fine. This episode is firmly a pattern with husband, if it was not this it would be something else.

Friends ability to leave dog is not an issue, she has left dog with husband (not under the same circumstances) on numerous occasions. This weekend is not about the need for friend to support husband in caring for dog, it is simply about husband exercising control in the relationship.

If I substituted the dog for my child, I would still go away. Dog has sufficiently recovered that if it was a child it would be back at school and bouncing around at home.

This is not really about the dog in any way, dog is just a convenient excuse. On the bright side I have been busy this weekend moving boxes into my new home and trying to figure out which Reno's to do first!

As for resort room in nice town, I am a member of a forum that has members all over oz. I put up a thread offering a free accommodation and breakfast to anyone who happened to be in the area. Suprising how busy people are this close to Christmas, but eventually someone who was available took up the offer and after changing the name on the reservation I am sure he and his wife will have a lovely weekend.  ;D

gmatoy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1340
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #43 on: November 24, 2012, 04:57:55 AM »
This is not really about the dog in any way, dog is just a convenient excuse. On the bright side I have been busy this weekend moving boxes into my new home and trying to figure out which Reno's to do first!

As for resort room in nice town, I am a member of a forum that has members all over oz. I put up a thread offering a free accommodation and breakfast to anyone who happened to be in the area. Suprising how busy people are this close to Christmas, but eventually someone who was available took up the offer and after changing the name on the reservation I am sure he and his wife will have a lovely weekend.  ;D

Have fun with the new house! And aren't you nice to think of sharing!

Iris

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3867
Re: Am I being unreasonable? Update p12 & 15.
« Reply #44 on: November 24, 2012, 04:59:59 AM »
^That was kind of you to share, but just so you know if the situation arises again... you belong to *another* forum with members all over oz  ;D

Kidding aside, enjoy the new house :)
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.