Football Feudin'

[Mikayla]

I guess I just don't get this.  I swear I'm not being judgmental.  But football is on multiple days a week most weeks for much of the fall and winter.  The idea that it's more important to watch it than it is to spend time talking to people you care about and who care about you on one of the few days that's possible is foreign to me.  I have a lot of hobbies I greatly enjoy, time consuming hobbies, but I try as much as possible to spend the time I have with my family with my family and not, say, writing my novel or training for my next marathon.  You know?

It doesn't come across as judgmental at all!  I think it's more about family culture.  For example, in my family, I'm a huge lifelong Redskin fan, and my family is mostly in Dallas.  Dallas always plays on Thanksgiving, and everything stops for this game (for those who want to watch it).  They're rooting Dallas on and I'm rooting the other way.

But we're sensitive to people who aren't into it, like some of the extended relatives.  There's card games going, kids DVDs, etc.  And then the true fanatics like myself can always watch other games in a different room or even on our phones.

Anyway, I agree with PPs that this situation sounds unfair to the rest, but it's mom's home, so mom needs to address it. 

Edited to fix quote disturbance.

[Jones]

I wonder if there is any way your mother's TV could break today, so she has to "take it to the shop" and it is conspicuously absent tomorrow?

[Redneck Gravy]

I may be in the minority here, but I think it is wrong to hide the tv. 

You know sil watches football on Thanksgiving Day, she always has.  If there is not going to be any television viewing allowed - there is nothing wrong with that - but I feel like SIL should be advised of such in advance. 

Then she can make her choice whether to attend or not.  I feel like you are trying to "bait & switch" the event.

[lowspark]

I agree with you RedneckGravy. I don't think the tv should be hidden or "broken" or anything like that. I think that a compromise should be worked out. But of course, that means someone has to actually stand up to SIL and let her know that. Isn't finding a civil and reasonable solution to this kind of thing exactly what this site is all about?

And really, even if Mom doesn't want to do it, a conference with all involved isn't out of order. As long as everyone remains calm and polite, there's no reason why some kind of agreement can't be made. The only reason Mom should have to put her foot down, as in, "my house, my rules", is if SIL refuses to budge.

[doodlemor]

This really pushes a hot button with me.  Sports were often more important than the holiday meals that my mother had worked so hard to make when I was growing up.  I feel that having a game on during a holiday meal is very **disrespectful** to the cook, as well as to those who don't want to hear the noise.  The only way this would be right would be if everyone there were big sports fans, and in total agreement.

I agree with the PP who think that you mother needs to deal with this, or at least deal with it cooperatively with you and the others of like mind.  She needs to understand that SIL is a running over the majority, and that stopping this is not "making trouble."  Pushy people like SIL count on others to back down and not "make a scene." 

If mom refuses, then you might want to stay home and have a quiet holiday.  Perhaps you could go to mom's for just a short time to say hello.  Is there any way that you could host the gang at your house?

I agree that SIL should be told in advance whatever the new tv rules are.  I like the idea of putting the thing in a room with a door - the cellar or garage might work, too.



Now see how calmly I typed that out.  While that was happening evil doodlemor sprang from the depths of ehell, grabbed the kitchen shears, and stalked into the living room.  Then she pulled the TV cord from the wall [very important] and *cut it completely off.*  Problem solved. 

Now I think that I better go and make some pies.

[WillyNilly]

Reading some of these replies I'm wondering if part of why to me the whole sports, heck TV, on during a holiday things is so just, I don't know the right word, but lets go with unpleasant is home size.  I grew up in a what I considered a very large house.  It was larger then my grandparent's homes (where my parents grew up, with siblings) it was larger then or at best the same size as all my friends homes, etc.  But it was also a NYC home, which comparatively to much of the US is small.  We had a living room and a dining room and a kitchen.  Full stop, that was the first floor.  No "den", no play room, not even an eat-in kitchen.  And the doorways between the rooms were double wide without doors.  So there was no option of a loud TV viewing the living room and conversation in the dining room 8-20 feet away - the loud living room activity would ruin the chance of moderate volume conversation.  The only option would be for people to go outside (cold), or into the basement (uncomfortable) or into the bedrooms (inappropriate).  The living room was the heart the home and it was where not only the only large TV was, but also the only sofas.

So having grown up with that sort of norm, and to an extent still living in that sort of life, to me you pick what the main activity will be and really that's it.  So if its "big holiday meal and catching up via conversation" that's pretty much all that happens.  We eat, we visit, we go home (or clean up).

[SleepyKitty]

You use the word "insists" a lot which brings up a question. Has anyone told her that what she's doing is bothering other people, whereupon she "insisted" that her needs come first? Or is it a case of her doing this and no one saying a word about it while secretly resenting her behavior?

If she is well aware that it's bothering other people but cannot compromise, then it really is going to be up to the host (your mom) to come up with a reasonable compromise and enforce it. If she isn't aware, maybe someone ought to at least approach her with some ideas for working this out.

Personally, I don't think this is about traditional norms; it has nothing at all to do with football or the lack thereof. Lowspark is wise: the problem is not SIL, the problem is not football - ultimately, the problem is your mom. She needs to speak up and tell SIL that the volume needs to be turned down, or that there will be no football this year, or whatever it is that she wants.

The problem only becomes about your SIL when she refuses to reply with the request or when she complies in a PA or disrespectful way.

[CookieChica]

I may be in the minority here, but I think it is wrong to hide the tv. 

You know sil watches football on Thanksgiving Day, she always has.  If there is not going to be any television viewing allowed - there is nothing wrong with that - but I feel like SIL should be advised of such in advance. 

Then she can make her choice whether to attend or not.  I feel like you are trying to "bait & switch" the event.

I agree. If my favorite team was playing and no one else wanted the game on, I would want to be told so I could make other arrangements. By letting her show up to a "broken" TV, she doesnt even get to record the game! Luckily this is not an issue in my family as we watch all the games with a TV pause for the meal.

[White Lotus]

Lotus (my) Family:  my mother is a football freak.  Cute guys, tight pants, side bets -- what's not to like?  Dad -- not so much.  Mom tried an American TG meal (veg) exactly once, at one of my brother's behest.  Total flop, though she is normally a very good cook.  Anyway, it interfered with football.  Back to the standard: dim sum ordered in, which only requires steaming or refresh steaming, enough for everybody present, twice (at least).  Dad takes charge of the kitchen, den and non-footballers with games -- we had serious chess tourneys when I was growing up -- conversation, maybe crafts (one SIL knits, kids color, read, or whatever, unless they are budding footballers), and music.  The footballers do their football thing in the living room, keeping the non-footballers posted when they come in for food refills.  People wander around.  This has survived transitions to my brothers' houses, and my SILs actually like this very easy program.  For New Year's, which we spend with my family, we go to the Temple in the morning, pick up the dim sum on the way home, and everybody watches the Rose Bowl.  Even Dad and I will sit through this one and ONE is fun.

Plum (DH's) Family: football freaks; they all live in HugeU City, all follow college football, and that is where we go for TG.  Traditional US TG meal with veg additions/substitutions when necessary.  Dinner time is set for when there is an anticipated football break, and all TVs, radios, phones, etc. go off during dinner.  After dinner the choices are a walk or more football.  Everything, in every room, is on again!  More football!  More!  More!  Then dessert is served, and there is usually, by this time, no more football, so there is generally a movie, which varies, conversation, and clean-up before everyone packs it in for the night.

All of our houses have places where non-footballers can do other things, thank goodness.  If the houses did not have separate living rooms and family rooms, dens, big kitchens with breakfast rooms or some separation, I can see the football thing being overwhelming and absolutely miserable for half the party at all times -- the footballers are miserable if it is off, and everyone else is miserable if it is on!

 I suggest some compromise, and this has to come from the hostess and host.  Maybe SIL could pick ONE game, maybe others might even enjoy ONE game, and dinner is set outside that game's time?  During dinner, everything off, like my husband's family does, and then if SIL wants more football, she could curl up with a small TV in a bedroom (if there is no den) or with her tablet and earphones and watch to her heart's content?
But she has to be quiet and respectful of people doing other things and needs to understand that not everyone shares her tradition and passion for all football all the time, and that others must be allowed to do other things.

[kherbert05]

Since I haven't owned a television for about 22-23 years my suggestion may seem weird but it's an honest one. Assuming it is physically possible, would your mom be willing to have the television taken out of the house or at the very least hidden in a closed closet today? It could go back on Friday if she is willing, but if it is gone then there cannot be any problem. I would add, however, that your SIL should be informed that there is no television in the house before tomorrow so she can make a decision about coming. I do not, and would not, suggest this as a passive-aggressive move, but simply as a good idea. If Mom wants to host the family in a certain way, that is, as a family gathering without competition from a television, but she knows that SIL is a football fanatic, then Mom does have the option to rearrange her home in a way that best suits her choice.

It would be easier if the cable box was out or the antenna wasn't working. My family watches football - with the mute on because you really don't need the audio unless there is a weird call. Then you rewind and put the audio on. The game is paused during the meal - then they fast forward through the commercials and non playing part of the game. It takes them maybe 15 minutes to catch up to the live game after eating a meal for 45 min to an hour. Anyone shouting curses at the screen would be asked to leave even if the kids weren't there. We have had Aggies and Longhorns in the same room and avoided cursing.

[Luci45]

We had our extended family Harvest Feast here the second Sunday in November, so Nov. 11.

The kids had set up crafts in the basement, so the TV couldn't be watched there, so Lucas put the game on the upstairs TV with the sound waaaaaaay down - like you had to be 3 ft away from it to hear it. Those interested just stopped occasionally to see how things were going, but in general, everyone was OK with it. (And the kids were out of our hair  )

As for the TV on during dinner - NO! My china and silver and linen and family does not go with any outside distractions. Most won't answer their phones unless it is a work emergency. (Some a on call from their jobs.)

SIL  is a SS and she should be talked to in some way mentioned above. Lots of good suggestions! I'd just put my foot down, but you explained why you can't be the one.

I wonder if there is any way your mother's TV could break today, so she has to "take it to the shop" and it is conspicuously absent tomorrow?

That is lying. What about next year?

I never approve of lying, and hate myself when I do it - even (or especially) little white lies.

[Jones]

You guys are right, the TV shouldn't be hidden with a "broken" excuse. I have seen similar tactics used at my extended family functions, wherein cousins had to be torn from video games or dragged back up from the basement. It is lying though, and not courteous at all.

If mother doesn't want a confrontation, the behavior will continue. If they can't come up with a compromise (another room's TV, record the game), SIL should be advised beforehand, be it this year or next, that the TV will remain off during dinner, period.

[stargazer]

I may be in the minority here, but I think it is wrong to hide the tv. 

You know sil watches football on Thanksgiving Day, she always has.  If there is not going to be any television viewing allowed - there is nothing wrong with that - but I feel like SIL should be advised of such in advance. 

Then she can make her choice whether to attend or not.  I feel like you are trying to "bait & switch" the event.

I agree. If my favorite team was playing and no one else wanted the game on, I would want to be told so I could make other arrangements. By letting her show up to a "broken" TV, she doesnt even get to record the game! Luckily this is not an issue in my family as we watch all the games with a TV pause for the meal.

Yes "breaking" or "hiding" the TV is a terrible idea.  For SIL, it's an important part of the holiday.  If it's not an option, let her know ahead of time.  I personally would be upset if I couldn't watch football on Thanksgiving - it's always been part of the day my entire life.  My DH does not like football but puts up with it because he knows it is important to me.   But on Thanksgiving, it usually is on low volume unless a bunch of people want to watch.   Tomorrow, since we are hosting, I think there are a couple of people that either like or are ambivalent about football so it will be on.  But not to the exclusion of conversations or social interaction.

[Sharnita]

And as far as letting her know about major changes in the tv policy - advanced notice would have to bw early enough for her to ma,e alternate plans if she wished. The afternoon before is not really enough notice in case they decide they'd rather not attend.

[mbbored]

I think I'm going to go against the trend here. When my family gathers, there's a small contingent (adults included) obsessed with playing my mother's Wii and can get quite loud. When that happens, somebody from the larger group having conversations asks the Wii crowd to turn it down/dial back the enthusiasm. And if a Wii-er attempts to leave the table early to get more play in, a conversationalist says something to the effect of: "Aww, getting up already? I'd love it if you stay a little longer to talk. Sitting down and savoring a meal like this only happens once a year!"

So, OP, I guess what I'm saying is why don't you ask your SIL to turn down the volume/chill the antics?