S/O Smoky the Neighbor

[JeanFromBNA]

I don't think that he owes you an apology either, but you're certainly free to decline favors, and limit contact with him.  All you need is "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible." 

[Sharnita]

He has no obligation to police your husband and steer him away from cigarettes but in this case he was steering DH toward cigarettes which I think does deserve an apology. He is not a 7th grader who needs the validation of seeing his buddy do what he is doing.

[WillyNilly]

As for Smokey catching you off guard for a favor, I'd just reply "its not a good time" and close the door or get away from the conversation quickly.  If he asks "when will be?" just say "honestly I don't know, no time soon."  Yes ideally you'd be more blunt and to the point, but lets face it, sometimes we just need the easy way out, and "its not a good time" is quick and easy and works for many situations - can I borrow $10 / actually its not a good time, I only have enough cash for today,  can I do some laundry / its not a good time, I've got a load in and 2 waiting, etc.  Then once you are comfortable with saying "no" then I think the whole "the favors are a one way street with you - I asked you for a favor regarding my husband and you disregarded it, so really I don't see why i should do you any."

[Sootikin]

Tell him the truth, you don't want to do him a favour.  If he asks why tell him you didn't appreciate him encouraging your husband to smoke after he was hospitalised because of it.

Frankly, I think he texted what he did because your husband is in the habit of smoking with him and not because he wanted to rub your face in it.

[chigrrl1]

This is a little bit off topic, but your clarification got me thinking. When someone is in rehab for an addiction one of the things they are taught very thoroughly is not to expect the rest of the world to cater to their addiction, and how to handle it when someone does offer them a drink, because it will happen. It’s kind of too bad there is no rehab for quitting smoking, or at least I have never heard of any. I wonder if those smoker’s support programs – you know the kind where they have meetings, kind of like Weight Watchers or AA – would help in that regard. I don’t know if your DH has tried that already, and honestly I don’t know much about them; but like I said, your comparison got me thinking that maybe  rehab-esque support for smoking would be a help.


ETA: Sorry, just saw this, "I'm not really seeking husband wrangling advice..."   

  No worries on the wrangling, you had valid and respectfully stated input.  To your point, there are lots of programs for quitting smoking--believe me, we've tried just about everything.  In this instance, being in a coma was rather helpful if he were to experience any withdrawal symptoms.  It's not like he was smoking a pack a day or anything, just sneaking on occasion....but that sneaking easily balloons for people who suffer from any addiction.   Off topic, but we've agreed on the electronic cigarette to curb any future relapses; it helps with the stress and oral fixation as well as the potential social landmines.   

In general, I don't think it's anyone elses responsibility to police any kind of addiction, but there's a difference between expecting to never be offered [addictive substance] ever again and going out of one's way to offer [addictive substance] to someone you know has an issue with it (and is still recovering from a near death experience).  I've seen people on these boards getting very vehement about  the evilness of "diet saboteurs," perhaps I'm over-personalizing, but Smoky the Cig offerer doesn't appear to register on the same outrage level as Debbie the Donut Pusher.   Regardless, I don't know the motivation behind Smoky's behavior, but I do know that I'm am feeling very less than generous towards him at present.

[EMuir]

Specifically inviting your DH down for a cig after he knew your view and the health issue was rude to you.  I think you can stop doing him any favors, and you could ask your husband to do the same with any that involve you, like Smoky coming over to do laundry.  If your DH still wants to loan Smoky money or go do something for him, up to him, but you are perfectly reasonable in refusing to help out someone who refuses to help you out in even the simplest of ways.

[chigrrl1]

Tell him the truth, you don't want to do him a favour.  If he asks why tell him you didn't appreciate him encouraging your husband to smoke after he was hospitalised because of it.

Frankly, I think he texted what he did because your husband is in the habit of smoking with him and not because he wanted to rub your face in it.

Just a clarification, hubs was not hospitalized because of cigarettes.  He had a seizure and aspirated, root cause is unknown, but mostly likely due to either bad combination of meds or failure to take his bipolar meds.  The cig issue was discovered when I found some random butts a few hours before he seizured and called him out on it.  The respiratory problems were due to an existing bronchial infection that was further inflamed by the life support breathing machine stuff.  The current hacking is due to normal recovery time for being on the breathing machine (3 weeks!) and getting over the bronchitis.   

I don't think Smoky was trying to rub my face in anything per se, as I would have never known about the text if hubby didn't tell me.  It felt more like "your wife is a nag and despite the fact that you are hacking your lungs out, I'm going to invite you to do something stupid that I know she wouldn't like."

And yes, I think your suggestion of telling him that I didn't "appreciate" his behavior is a good one.  Much better than saying it felt disrespectful.  Thank you.

[Sootikin]

/snip  I've seen people on these boards getting very vehement about  the evilness of "diet saboteurs," perhaps I'm over-personalizing, but Smoky the Cig offerer doesn't appear to register on the same outrage level as Debbie the Donut Pusher.   Regardless, I don't know the motivation behind Smoky's behavior, but I do know that I'm am feeling very less than generous towards him at present.

It's because he's not offering you the smokes, if he was pushing you to smoke while you were trying to stop you'd see the same 'outrage'.

[chigrrl1]

/snip  I've seen people on these boards getting very vehement about  the evilness of "diet saboteurs," perhaps I'm over-personalizing, but Smoky the Cig offerer doesn't appear to register on the same outrage level as Debbie the Donut Pusher.   Regardless, I don't know the motivation behind Smoky's behavior, but I do know that I'm am feeling very less than generous towards him at present.

It's because he's not offering you the smokes, if he was pushing you to smoke while you were trying to stop you'd see the same 'outrage'.

I'm afraid I don't understand the difference.  Objectively, anyone pushing substances on someone when they know the person is trying to avoid said substance is rude. 

My personal observations have been that there appears to be more empathy for "victims" of food pushers than for a person suffering from other "hard" addictions.  Several comments have been made in regards to the "maturity" of my husband in his addiction and his will power.  Outside of this specific discussion, there have been a myriad of discussions in the bowels of eHell regarding appropriate accommodations being made at social events in regards to people who are alcoholics etc.  I've never noticed people accusing food addicts of immaturity when they relapse on their drug of choice. Instead the food pushers are often vilified as being "jealous" or having other nefarious intentions, then the addicts are provided encouragement to "keep clean;" sufferers of other addictions appear to draw a different reaction.

Anyone who "pushes" something they know is harmful on someone is out of line, regardless of the addict's specific weakness.

[Moray]

This is a relationship issue between you and your husband. Not Smoky.

The only way your "food pusher" analogy works is if your husband, not you, had asked Smoky to not offer him cigarettes.

You can't do this for your husband, and it's not up to Smoky to suddenly stop saying "Hey, wanna smoke?" just because his smoking buddy's wife told him she didn't like it.

[Joeschmo]

/snip  I've seen people on these boards getting very vehement about  the evilness of "diet saboteurs," perhaps I'm over-personalizing, but Smoky the Cig offerer doesn't appear to register on the same outrage level as Debbie the Donut Pusher.   Regardless, I don't know the motivation behind Smoky's behavior, but I do know that I'm am feeling very less than generous towards him at present.

It's because he's not offering you the smokes, if he was pushing you to smoke while you were trying to stop you'd see the same 'outrage'.

I'm afraid I don't understand the difference.  Objectively, anyone pushing substances on someone when they know the person is trying to avoid said substance is rude. 

My personal observations have been that there appears to be more empathy for "victims" of food pushers than for a person suffering from other "hard" addictions.  Several comments have been made in regards to the "maturity" of my husband in his addiction and his will power.  Outside of this specific discussion, there have been a myriad of discussions in the bowels of eHell regarding appropriate accommodations being made at social events in regards to people who are alcoholics etc.  I've never noticed people accusing food addicts of immaturity when they relapse on their drug of choice. Instead the food pushers are often vilified as being "jealous" or having other nefarious intentions, then the addicts are provided encouragement to "keep clean;" sufferers of other addictions appear to draw a different reaction.

Anyone who "pushes" something they know is harmful on someone is out of line, regardless of the addict's specific weakness.

The difference I see is your husband needs to ask neighbor not to offer.  It's not the same coming from you.  I also don't think the one instance of offering a cig equals pushing and any future instances wouldn't be pushing to me until your husband asks him to stop. 

[drzim]

As a former smoker myself, I will admit it was much easier to quit when I wasn't around smoking.  I actually quit because we moved away from my regular smoking buddies; I didn't know anyone who smoked and after a while it just felt weird to smoke by myself...

In the long run, it will probably be better if your DH didn't hang out with SmokyNeighbor.  But he's an adult, you can't make him stay away if he doesn't want to.  But you can discourage the friendship by canceling the favors.  Maybe SmokyNeighbor is just a moocher, and if you no longer do the favors he'll stop wanting to hang out with DH.  Win-win!

I would actually have this conversation with SmokyNeighbor  "You know, I asked you for a favor when DH got out of the hospital.  He needs to recover and smoking is much worse for him now that it was.  I asked you not to smoke around him, yet you text him to offer him a cigarette?  I'm afraid I can't do any favors for you anymore.  No laundry, etc. and please do not use my lawn chairs for smoking"

[chigrrl1]

/snip  I've seen people on these boards getting very vehement about  the evilness of "diet saboteurs," perhaps I'm over-personalizing, but Smoky the Cig offerer doesn't appear to register on the same outrage level as Debbie the Donut Pusher.   Regardless, I don't know the motivation behind Smoky's behavior, but I do know that I'm am feeling very less than generous towards him at present.

It's because he's not offering you the smokes, if he was pushing you to smoke while you were trying to stop you'd see the same 'outrage'.

I'm afraid I don't understand the difference.  Objectively, anyone pushing substances on someone when they know the person is trying to avoid said substance is rude. 

My personal observations have been that there appears to be more empathy for "victims" of food pushers than for a person suffering from other "hard" addictions.  Several comments have been made in regards to the "maturity" of my husband in his addiction and his will power.  Outside of this specific discussion, there have been a myriad of discussions in the bowels of eHell regarding appropriate accommodations being made at social events in regards to people who are alcoholics etc.  I've never noticed people accusing food addicts of immaturity when they relapse on their drug of choice. Instead the food pushers are often vilified as being "jealous" or having other nefarious intentions, then the addicts are provided encouragement to "keep clean;" sufferers of other addictions appear to draw a different reaction.

Anyone who "pushes" something they know is harmful on someone is out of line, regardless of the addict's specific weakness.

The difference I see is your husband needs to ask neighbor not to offer.  It's not the same coming from you.  I also don't think the one instance of offering a cig equals pushing and any future instances wouldn't be pushing to me until your husband asks him to stop.

Thank you, I think you have some good points here.  It isn't the same coming from me and, if my perceptions about this guy are correct, it might actually encourage him to dismiss me as a nagging wife.  Perhaps my husband should also deliver the message of "the favor train has left the station" and this is why...   

The sticky part is that I'm the sole income of my household, so basically all potential future favors involving usage of phone/washer etc. are technically paid for by me.  Regarding the use/abuse of our green space, it's a co-op, so the only thing I could really do to discourage that situation is to take the lawnchairs inside whenever I'm not using them or tell the guy not to use them, which seems a little petty if I'm not using them at the moment.  Thanks to all for the feedback!

[ilrag]

/snip  I've seen people on these boards getting very vehement about  the evilness of "diet saboteurs," perhaps I'm over-personalizing, but Smoky the Cig offerer doesn't appear to register on the same outrage level as Debbie the Donut Pusher.   Regardless, I don't know the motivation behind Smoky's behavior, but I do know that I'm am feeling very less than generous towards him at present.

It's because he's not offering you the smokes, if he was pushing you to smoke while you were trying to stop you'd see the same 'outrage'.

I'm afraid I don't understand the difference.  Objectively, anyone pushing substances on someone when they know the person is trying to avoid said substance is rude. 

My personal observations have been that there appears to be more empathy for "victims" of food pushers than for a person suffering from other "hard" addictions.  Several comments have been made in regards to the "maturity" of my husband in his addiction and his will power.  Outside of this specific discussion, there have been a myriad of discussions in the bowels of eHell regarding appropriate accommodations being made at social events in regards to people who are alcoholics etc.  I've never noticed people accusing food addicts of immaturity when they relapse on their drug of choice. Instead the food pushers are often vilified as being "jealous" or having other nefarious intentions, then the addicts are provided encouragement to "keep clean;" sufferers of other addictions appear to draw a different reaction.

Anyone who "pushes" something they know is harmful on someone is out of line, regardless of the addict's specific weakness.

The difference is when people post about food pushers it's from the perspective of some one who does not want the food.  (Or wants the food, but does not want the calories, so wants it less then they want to maintain or lose weight.)

Your husband sounds like he wants the cigarettes. You are the one who wants him to not want them. 

It would be like if your husband posted here saying "My wife said she would lose weight as a wedding present to me, and it's good for her health and it's a deal breaker if she doesn't. Her friend is disrespecting me by offering my wife cookies"

While people might agree it's mean to tempt some one trying to lose weight with cookies, unless I WANT NO COOKIES was a clear message it's not the same.

[chigrrl1]

As a former smoker myself, I will admit it was much easier to quit when I wasn't around smoking.  I actually quit because we moved away from my regular smoking buddies; I didn't know anyone who smoked and after a while it just felt weird to smoke by myself...

In the long run, it will probably be better if your DH didn't hang out with SmokyNeighbor.  But he's an adult, you can't make him stay away if he doesn't want to.  But you can discourage the friendship by canceling the favors.  Maybe SmokyNeighbor is just a moocher, and if you no longer do the favors he'll stop wanting to hang out with DH.  Win-win!

I would actually have this conversation with SmokyNeighbor  "You know, I asked you for a favor when DH got out of the hospital.  He needs to recover and smoking is much worse for him now that it was.  I asked you not to smoke around him, yet you text him to offer him a cigarette?  I'm afraid I can't do any favors for you anymore.  No laundry, etc. and please do not use my lawn chairs for smoking"

I think you may be onto something here.  It would not be reasonable to force them to not hang out, but if the favors stop, that "friendship" may be less desirable for Smoky--problem solved.  Or he could turn out to be an OK guy who needed a boundary check.   I honestly don't care if he smokes around my hubby or not, it's the proactive offering of cig's that I took umbrage at.  Thanks for the perspective.