S/O Smoky the Neighbor

[Sootikin]

Exactly, thanks for clarifying ilrag. That's pretty much what I was getting at.

 Also opener if a lot of members here think like I do, they suspect that your husband is not trying that hard to give up so Smoky texting him offering one is not outrageous therefore not deserving of our collective outrage.

[LeveeWoman]

Exactly, thanks for clarifying ilrag. That's pretty much what I was getting at.

 Also opener if a lot of members here think like I do, they suspect that your husband is not trying that hard to give up so Smoky texting him offering one is not outrageous therefore not deserving of our collective outrage.

More than one poster here thinks what he's doing is outrageous so please don't put words into our mouths.

[Sootikin]

Exactly, thanks for clarifying ilrag. That's pretty much what I was getting at.

 Also opener if a lot of members here think like I do, they suspect that your husband is not trying that hard to give up so Smoky texting him offering one is not outrageous therefore not deserving of our collective outrage.

More than one poster here thinks what he's doing is outrageous so please don't put words into our mouths.

I didn't I said 'if a lot of members think like I do'.  Interesting that you don't want me speaking for others even though I wasn't yet you are quite comfortable doing it yourself.

[Moray]

I, for one, share Sootikin's opinion that the OP's husband isn't really committed to quitting. If he were, he'd be the one asking Smoky not to offer. Again, this is a relationship issue between the OP and her husband. If it's really a dealbreaker, that's something they're going to have to hash out; and quitting is something that the husband is going to have to take responsibility for.

Smoky isn't some treacherous demon luring the husband towards doom; he's asking if that guy he sometimes smokes with wants to join him.

[TootsNYC]

how often is Smoky using your washer and dryer?

You said "(again)"--that's some wear and tear on your machine, if it's happening very often.

I'd be absolutely unwilling to set aside my own laundry for someone else's. That's what laundromats are for.
(or, if I've got it wrong and you were letting him go first in the bldg's laundry facilities)

I would actually have this conversation with SmokyNeighbor  "You know, I asked you for a favor when DH got out of the hospital.  He needs to recover and smoking is much worse for him now that it was.  I asked you not to smoke around him, yet you text him to offer him a cigarette?  I'm afraid I can't do any favors for you anymore.  No laundry, etc. and please do not use my lawn chairs for smoking"

Of course, DH could still do him the favors. But you can absolute tell Smoky you don't consider him a friend anymore.

(You might also suggest that Smoky say, "wanna come join me outside? Bring mints." or something. And help your husband find something else to do w/ his hands and his mouth when he's around smokers.)

[O'Dell]

If you really don't want to state outright to Smokey that you won't do him favors, then go with a reason that you can't. You don't have a $10 on you, you need your washer and dryer, you misplaced your lighter, you're all out of sugar, etc.  All while being a bit chilly. Any begging gets "that won't be possible".

Sorta' the favor equivalent of being "busy" for social invites.

[wheeitsme]

Other posters are right, you DH is an adult and is responsible for his own actions.  So it would be a favor for your neighbor not to tempt your DH with smoking.  Just like it is a favor for you to let him use your washer/dryer, etc. 

If he asks why all his requests for favors are suddenly being met with a polite "I'm sorry, that won't be possible", I think it would be accceptable to tell him:

"We had one very important favor that we asked from you - support my husband and our marriage by supporting his not smoking. Instead you chose to do the opposite.  Because of your choice, I am not currently in a place where I feel that I can gracefully honor any of your requests for favors."

[StarFaerie]

Is it possible that Smoky just forgot? He's in the habit of asking your husband over for a cig and possibly just did it out of habit. There may not have been any malicious intent or any temptation meant at all. Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt, ask him not to do it again and move on; rather than work out ways to not do him favours and whether you deserve an apology.

[Sharnita]

You know if DH was walking by and Smoky offered him a cig out of habit that might be one thing but didn't he text him? To me that takes more thought, planning, effort and thus is a bigger deal.

[JenJay]

Instead of trying to remove Smoky from your relationship with your husband, think about it as removing yourself from your husband's relationship with Smoky. Tell your husband "I've come to the realization that Smoky is your friend, not mine. I'm not going to invite him into our home or do favors for him anymore. I'm not asking you to stop being friends with him, only to respect that I no longer want to be around him." Then, next time Smoky knocks on the door and asks for something just tell him no. If you want to elaborate you can say "I'm really disappointed that you continue to offer DH cigarettes even though you know his health is is not good and he's trying to quit. I think it would be best if you and I kept our distance from each other."

No, you can't make your DH quit, and you can't make him stop hanging out with Smoky, but Smoky needs to understand that he can't treat you like you're DH's mommy and he (Smoky) is trying to help DH sneak around behind your back and then turn around and expect favors from you. Actions have consequences. 

[mindicherry]

I think you are misdirecting your anger towards Smoky rather than focusing on the fact that your husband has been lying and sneaking to smoke with someone.  That's not on Smoky, that's on your husband, and you can either choose to put up with it or call it a deal breaker for staying married.  Smoky is only acting this way because your husband has given him reason to believe that it is okay to ignore you and sneak around behind your back.  That is entirely on your husband unless he has been protesting or asking Smoky not to do this and has been ignored.  This is between Smoky and your husband, not you and Smoky.

So much this. Stop inviting Smoky into your marriage. There is no reason your neighbor should know or have influence over what actions by your husband - who is a grown man and does not need to have his actions discussed with the neighbors - are having on your marriage. Honestly, that is so much worse than your husband sneaking a cigarette now and then. I never say this, but you guys need a marriage counselor, stat. And i know you didn't ask for them, but hugs to you, because that sounds like a powderkeg.

I agree that my marital issues should not be aired to the neighbors in great detail, but feel the need to clarify.  The subject of smoking has come up on several occasions with Smoky and most recently as it specifically relates to some of the complications of my husband's hospitalization.  Since they are friends and Smoky was asking how he was doing, I shared that information.  Marital issues aside, I'm looking for a way to cut this guy out of my circle of people I would do a favor for without causing too much drama.  Unfortunately, he often comes directly to me with his little requests, so they aren't vetted through my husband.  It puts me in an uncomfortable position as I don't know the best way to cut him off without telling him why....which, as you noted, would probably result in marital information over-sharing.  To me, what he did was like asking someone straight out of rehab if they'd like to pop down for a drink.  It's obviously up to the addict to say no, but it's not being a good friend or neighbor and it felt disrespectful to me personally as he knows my feelings on the matter.

Smokey:  Can you help me with X?
You:  I'm sorry - that won't be possible
Smokey:  why not?
You: Because I only do that for my friends.  you KNOW what a big deal smoking is to me.  My friends wouldn't invite my husband to smoke.
Smokey: I can't control your husband and he is MY friend!  We do things that we like together!
You" Yes - but I can control how I deal with you and you have shown that you don't care how I feel.  I suggest you ask someone else!

And then be prepared to deal with any fall-out...including your husband to be willing to give in to his requests.

Smoking may be a deal-breaker for you in the marriage.  his unwillingness to give it up may also be a deal-breaker for him. Smokey really has nothing to do with it.  if Smokey isn't a person that you don't want to do favors for because he does X, Y or Z that you don't like...you don't have to do any favors for him!

[Fleur]

Is it possible that Smoky just forgot? He's in the habit of asking your husband over for a cig and possibly just did it out of habit. There may not have been any malicious intent or any temptation meant at all. Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt, ask him not to do it again and move on; rather than work out ways to not do him favours and whether you deserve an apology.

Smoke or no smoke, I would be fed up with the favours anyway. I would not be happy with a neighbour who always was bumming a few pounds or whose washer never worked. I am actually on the fence as to the whole smoking issue: I actually think that Smoky was in the wrong, though not to a great extent. My position is between the two 'camps' that this thread seems to be divided into. But I don't at all see why the OP should continue doing inconvenient favour for Smoky. That really seems a seperate issue.

[rashea]

Perhaps my husband should also deliver the message of "the favor train has left the station" and this is why...   

The sticky part is that I'm the sole income of my household, so basically all potential future favors involving usage of phone/washer etc. are technically paid for by me.

Two lines here thar stuck out.

One, this needs to happen. I am concerned that your DH might be even telling him in private that he doesn't want to quit.

Two, this is a warning sign to me. You seem to be not thinking in terms of "ours" right now. I am also the sole breadwinner and I know that things are close to breaking when I feel this way.

Final thought. When I reach this point, I start keeping a log for a month. At the end, I feel that log helps me remember all the ups and downs and feel it gives me more distance.

I wish you luck. Hugs.

[Gyburc]

So Smoky had a conversation with the OP in which she explained exactly how important it was to her and to her marriage for her DH to quit smoking. OP's DH had also just come out of hospital with a bronchial illness.

And Smoky still texted him to invite him for a surreptitious cigarette? After knowing all of the above? I would be furious, and I'm honestly surprised by some of the PPs' responses.

Yes, OP's DH is responsible for his actions. But Smoky is also responsible for his actions, and he should start to feel the consequences.

[chigrrl1]

Thanks to all for the good discussion, here's the update.  While making the beds after Smoky used the dryer last, I found that my husband DIDN'T THOROUGHLY DRY the bedclothes...and it was bedtime.  In his rush to free up the dryer for Smoky, apparently he didn't notice anything being damp except for one sweatshirt that he hung up to dry in our spidery basement.  I was livid, at my husband, not Smoky.   Just sharing as it was completely infuriating.

After that settled down, I brought up the Smoky issue and reiterated that I personally would not be supporting any future favors.  My Hubs said he already laid out with Smoky how bad coughing up half his lung was and that there would be no more cigs.  He also said something about me being mad that he even asked.  So, now Smoky is giving me the silent treatment, but continuing to text my husband to hang out.   This works out fine for me, because someone who isn't talking to you can't ask for anything.