Author Topic: S/O Smoky the Neighbor  (Read 7078 times)

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cocacola35

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Re: S/O Smoky the Neighbor--Update Page 3
« Reply #45 on: November 23, 2012, 02:05:40 PM »
After that settled down, I brought up the Smoky issue and reiterated that I personally would not be supporting any future favors.  My Hubs said he already laid out with Smoky how bad coughing up half his lung was and that there would be no more cigs.  He also said something about me being mad that he even asked.  So, now Smoky is giving me the silent treatment, but continuing to text my husband to hang out.   This works out fine for me, because someone who isn't talking to you can't ask for anything.

I'm glad your DH took some responsibility for his health and told Smoky no more cigs.  Also it seems that your problem with Smoky is solved for the moment.  I wonder if he is giving you the silent treatment because he is embarrassed that you found out about the texts. 

I agree with others that it is your DH's responsibility to refuse temptation due to the agreement with you and his health.  However I understand why you were upset with Smoky.  After all the favors you did for Smoky, he betrays your trust by not doing the one favor you asked of him.  Based on his actions, he seems to be completely thoughtless or at worst just plain selfish.  A real friend would not intentionally put his buddy in harm's way and I hope your DH will realize that.  That is not someone I'd want to be be around or do favors for.   

O'Dell

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Re: S/O Smoky the Neighbor--Update Page 3
« Reply #46 on: November 23, 2012, 03:22:38 PM »
Thanks to all for the good discussion, here's the update.  While making the beds after Smoky used the dryer last, I found that my husband DIDN'T THOROUGHLY DRY the bedclothes...and it was bedtime.  In his rush to free up the dryer for Smoky, apparently he didn't notice anything being damp except for one sweatshirt that he hung up to dry in our spidery basement.  I was livid, at my husband, not Smoky.   Just sharing as it was completely infuriating.

After that settled down, I brought up the Smoky issue and reiterated that I personally would not be supporting any future favors.  My Hubs said he already laid out with Smoky how bad coughing up half his lung was and that there would be no more cigs.  He also said something about me being mad that he even asked.  So, now Smoky is giving me the silent treatment, but continuing to text my husband to hang out.   This works out fine for me, because someone who isn't talking to you can't ask for anything.

Yeah, Smoky did it deliberately. My sense from your first post was that Smoky was thinking "Chigrrl ain't gonna tell me what to do!" and him giving you the silent treatment when your husband tells him no more cigs and that you are mad confirms it for me. Sad to say I know the type and I've seen them operate. Odds are that he'll next be telling your husband "You aren't going to let Chigrrl tell you you can't smoke, are you?" My husband and I have had friends start that stuff with us. I hope I'm wrong on that but I think you should also be prepared for him using that tactic.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman

chigrrl1

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Re: S/O Smoky the Neighbor--Update Page 3
« Reply #47 on: November 23, 2012, 03:37:03 PM »
Thanks to all for the good discussion, here's the update.  While making the beds after Smoky used the dryer last, I found that my husband DIDN'T THOROUGHLY DRY the bedclothes...and it was bedtime.  In his rush to free up the dryer for Smoky, apparently he didn't notice anything being damp except for one sweatshirt that he hung up to dry in our spidery basement.  I was livid, at my husband, not Smoky.   Just sharing as it was completely infuriating.

After that settled down, I brought up the Smoky issue and reiterated that I personally would not be supporting any future favors.  My Hubs said he already laid out with Smoky how bad coughing up half his lung was and that there would be no more cigs.  He also said something about me being mad that he even asked.  So, now Smoky is giving me the silent treatment, but continuing to text my husband to hang out.   This works out fine for me, because someone who isn't talking to you can't ask for anything.

Yeah, Smoky did it deliberately. My sense from your first post was that Smoky was thinking "Chigrrl ain't gonna tell me what to do!" and him giving you the silent treatment when your husband tells him no more cigs and that you are mad confirms it for me. Sad to say I know the type and I've seen them operate. Odds are that he'll next be telling your husband "You aren't going to let Chigrrl tell you you can't smoke, are you?" My husband and I have had friends start that stuff with us. I hope I'm wrong on that but I think you should also be prepared for him using that tactic.
Yeah, this guy is totally "the type" described. Ignoring them is the best tactic.

lollylegs

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Re: S/O Smoky the Neighbor
« Reply #48 on: November 26, 2012, 06:59:38 PM »
I've been in the OP's husband's situation and I just want to point out a couple of things that may or may not be relevant.

First of all, there's a certain camaraderie between smokers, a sort of, "Us against the world," mentality. Our loyalty is to our fellow smokers, and not to their partners.  Secondly, and this is related to the first point, non-smokers tend to view relapses differently. While (general) you might think, "Oh no, he's smoking again!", smokers tend to think, "I was smoking a pack a day and now I'm only having three a week.  That's a huge improvement!"

So when I was a smoker I'd give my 'trying-to-give-up' friends cigarettes, and when I was trying to give up, my friends gave me cigarettes; sometimes they were offered, sometimes they were requested.  I personally was grateful to my friends for giving me the occasional cigarette because there were days when I would have murdered for a cigarette but I knew that if I went out and bought a packet I'd start smoking again.

Then I got pregnant and that was a game changer - I knew that I had to kick the habit for good, so I went and told all of my smoking friends that they were not to offer me another cigarette ever again, under any circumstances.

I'm not excusing any of this or trying to rationalise smoking, and I'm also not claiming that this is the situation that your husband and Smoky are in.  Smoky might be a rude and thoughtless individual - I never would have accepted a favour from the wife of the man I was sneaking cigarettes to.  This is just a very long way of agreeing with PPs that your husband needs to tell Smoky to stop. 

I think it's a really, really positive sign that he showed you that message.  I've re-written this a couple of times because I can't quite articulate what I want to say.  I don't know your circumstances, I'm just applying this completely to mine - it seems like Smoky and your husband have a secret smoking deal where Smoky invites him down to 'watch a movie' or whatever, but it's really an excuse to smoke.  By revealling that to you, it seems like he's trying to force himself to stop, and maybe he needs your help with that.  I know that, as much as I yelled and screamed at my partner, I absolutely needed him to keep on my back.  So maybe you need to tell your husband that he needs to talk to Smoky himself, and if he's really serious about quitting, he should tell Smoky to stop offering them. (whoops, didn't read your update properly)

Sorry, didn't mean for that to be such a novel!
« Last Edit: November 26, 2012, 07:17:46 PM by lollylegs »

bopper

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Re: S/O Smoky the Neighbor
« Reply #49 on: November 27, 2012, 08:49:29 AM »
"Oh, sorry Smoky, I was just in the middle of doing laundry myself so that won't work out."
"I do not have any extra cash to lend, Smoky."

Smoky comes to you because he generally gets what he wants.  If he no longer does, then he won't come so often.

And to your husband...if he really wants to stop smoking, half (more than half?) of his addition is the things that go along with smoking...he needs to change his habit.   Hanging out with Smoky = smoking....so he needs to not hang out with Smoky or he will end up smoking again.  Or if he does want to hang out with him, it has to be some active activity.

chigrrl1

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Re: S/O Smoky the Neighbor
« Reply #50 on: November 27, 2012, 09:13:11 AM »
I've been in the OP's husband's situation and I just want to point out a couple of things that may or may not be relevant.

First of all, there's a certain camaraderie between smokers, a sort of, "Us against the world," mentality. Our loyalty is to our fellow smokers, and not to their partners. Secondly, and this is related to the first point, non-smokers tend to view relapses differently. While (general) you might think, "Oh no, he's smoking again!", smokers tend to think, "I was smoking a pack a day and now I'm only having three a week.  That's a huge improvement!"

So when I was a smoker I'd give my 'trying-to-give-up' friends cigarettes, and when I was trying to give up, my friends gave me cigarettes; sometimes they were offered, sometimes they were requested.  I personally was grateful to my friends for giving me the occasional cigarette because there were days when I would have murdered for a cigarette but I knew that if I went out and bought a packet I'd start smoking again.

Then I got pregnant and that was a game changer - I knew that I had to kick the habit for good, so I went and told all of my smoking friends that they were not to offer me another cigarette ever again, under any circumstances.

I'm not excusing any of this or trying to rationalise smoking, and I'm also not claiming that this is the situation that your husband and Smoky are in.  Smoky might be a rude and thoughtless individual - I never would have accepted a favour from the wife of the man I was sneaking cigarettes to.  This is just a very long way of agreeing with PPs that your husband needs to tell Smoky to stop. 

I think it's a really, really positive sign that he showed you that message.  I've re-written this a couple of times because I can't quite articulate what I want to say.  I don't know your circumstances, I'm just applying this completely to mine - it seems like Smoky and your husband have a secret smoking deal where Smoky invites him down to 'watch a movie' or whatever, but it's really an excuse to smoke.  By revealling that to you, it seems like he's trying to force himself to stop, and maybe he needs your help with that.  I know that, as much as I yelled and screamed at my partner, I absolutely needed him to keep on my back.  So maybe you need to tell your husband that he needs to talk to Smoky himself, and if he's really serious about quitting, he should tell Smoky to stop offering them. (whoops, didn't read your update properly)

Sorry, didn't mean for that to be such a novel!
  Thanks for your perspective.  Bolded above is a piece I find to be particularly true between the perceptions of smokers and non-smokers.  Maybe my husband just needs to get pregnant. ;)

lollylegs

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Re: S/O Smoky the Neighbor
« Reply #51 on: November 27, 2012, 04:31:18 PM »
I've been in the OP's husband's situation and I just want to point out a couple of things that may or may not be relevant.

First of all, there's a certain camaraderie between smokers, a sort of, "Us against the world," mentality. Our loyalty is to our fellow smokers, and not to their partners. Secondly, and this is related to the first point, non-smokers tend to view relapses differently. While (general) you might think, "Oh no, he's smoking again!", smokers tend to think, "I was smoking a pack a day and now I'm only having three a week.  That's a huge improvement!"

So when I was a smoker I'd give my 'trying-to-give-up' friends cigarettes, and when I was trying to give up, my friends gave me cigarettes; sometimes they were offered, sometimes they were requested.  I personally was grateful to my friends for giving me the occasional cigarette because there were days when I would have murdered for a cigarette but I knew that if I went out and bought a packet I'd start smoking again.

Then I got pregnant and that was a game changer - I knew that I had to kick the habit for good, so I went and told all of my smoking friends that they were not to offer me another cigarette ever again, under any circumstances.

I'm not excusing any of this or trying to rationalise smoking, and I'm also not claiming that this is the situation that your husband and Smoky are in.  Smoky might be a rude and thoughtless individual - I never would have accepted a favour from the wife of the man I was sneaking cigarettes to.  This is just a very long way of agreeing with PPs that your husband needs to tell Smoky to stop. 

I think it's a really, really positive sign that he showed you that message.  I've re-written this a couple of times because I can't quite articulate what I want to say.  I don't know your circumstances, I'm just applying this completely to mine - it seems like Smoky and your husband have a secret smoking deal where Smoky invites him down to 'watch a movie' or whatever, but it's really an excuse to smoke.  By revealling that to you, it seems like he's trying to force himself to stop, and maybe he needs your help with that.  I know that, as much as I yelled and screamed at my partner, I absolutely needed him to keep on my back.  So maybe you need to tell your husband that he needs to talk to Smoky himself, and if he's really serious about quitting, he should tell Smoky to stop offering them. (whoops, didn't read your update properly)

Sorry, didn't mean for that to be such a novel!
  Thanks for your perspective.  Bolded above is a piece I find to be particularly true between the perceptions of smokers and non-smokers.  Maybe my husband just needs to get pregnant. ;)

No problem, I'm glad it made some sense. Good luck with getting your husband pregnant :)