General Etiquette > Life...in general

S/O Smoky the Neighbor

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chigrrl1:

--- Quote from: lollylegs on November 26, 2012, 06:59:38 PM ---I've been in the OP's husband's situation and I just want to point out a couple of things that may or may not be relevant.

First of all, there's a certain camaraderie between smokers, a sort of, "Us against the world," mentality. Our loyalty is to our fellow smokers, and not to their partners. Secondly, and this is related to the first point, non-smokers tend to view relapses differently. While (general) you might think, "Oh no, he's smoking again!", smokers tend to think, "I was smoking a pack a day and now I'm only having three a week.  That's a huge improvement!"

So when I was a smoker I'd give my 'trying-to-give-up' friends cigarettes, and when I was trying to give up, my friends gave me cigarettes; sometimes they were offered, sometimes they were requested.  I personally was grateful to my friends for giving me the occasional cigarette because there were days when I would have murdered for a cigarette but I knew that if I went out and bought a packet I'd start smoking again.

Then I got pregnant and that was a game changer - I knew that I had to kick the habit for good, so I went and told all of my smoking friends that they were not to offer me another cigarette ever again, under any circumstances.

I'm not excusing any of this or trying to rationalise smoking, and I'm also not claiming that this is the situation that your husband and Smoky are in.  Smoky might be a rude and thoughtless individual - I never would have accepted a favour from the wife of the man I was sneaking cigarettes to.  This is just a very long way of agreeing with PPs that your husband needs to tell Smoky to stop. 

I think it's a really, really positive sign that he showed you that message.  I've re-written this a couple of times because I can't quite articulate what I want to say.  I don't know your circumstances, I'm just applying this completely to mine - it seems like Smoky and your husband have a secret smoking deal where Smoky invites him down to 'watch a movie' or whatever, but it's really an excuse to smoke.  By revealling that to you, it seems like he's trying to force himself to stop, and maybe he needs your help with that.  I know that, as much as I yelled and screamed at my partner, I absolutely needed him to keep on my back.  So maybe you need to tell your husband that he needs to talk to Smoky himself, and if he's really serious about quitting, he should tell Smoky to stop offering them. (whoops, didn't read your update properly)

Sorry, didn't mean for that to be such a novel!

--- End quote ---
  Thanks for your perspective.  Bolded above is a piece I find to be particularly true between the perceptions of smokers and non-smokers.  Maybe my husband just needs to get pregnant. ;)

lollylegs:

--- Quote from: chigrrl1 on November 27, 2012, 09:13:11 AM ---
--- Quote from: lollylegs on November 26, 2012, 06:59:38 PM ---I've been in the OP's husband's situation and I just want to point out a couple of things that may or may not be relevant.

First of all, there's a certain camaraderie between smokers, a sort of, "Us against the world," mentality. Our loyalty is to our fellow smokers, and not to their partners. Secondly, and this is related to the first point, non-smokers tend to view relapses differently. While (general) you might think, "Oh no, he's smoking again!", smokers tend to think, "I was smoking a pack a day and now I'm only having three a week.  That's a huge improvement!"

So when I was a smoker I'd give my 'trying-to-give-up' friends cigarettes, and when I was trying to give up, my friends gave me cigarettes; sometimes they were offered, sometimes they were requested.  I personally was grateful to my friends for giving me the occasional cigarette because there were days when I would have murdered for a cigarette but I knew that if I went out and bought a packet I'd start smoking again.

Then I got pregnant and that was a game changer - I knew that I had to kick the habit for good, so I went and told all of my smoking friends that they were not to offer me another cigarette ever again, under any circumstances.

I'm not excusing any of this or trying to rationalise smoking, and I'm also not claiming that this is the situation that your husband and Smoky are in.  Smoky might be a rude and thoughtless individual - I never would have accepted a favour from the wife of the man I was sneaking cigarettes to.  This is just a very long way of agreeing with PPs that your husband needs to tell Smoky to stop. 

I think it's a really, really positive sign that he showed you that message.  I've re-written this a couple of times because I can't quite articulate what I want to say.  I don't know your circumstances, I'm just applying this completely to mine - it seems like Smoky and your husband have a secret smoking deal where Smoky invites him down to 'watch a movie' or whatever, but it's really an excuse to smoke.  By revealling that to you, it seems like he's trying to force himself to stop, and maybe he needs your help with that.  I know that, as much as I yelled and screamed at my partner, I absolutely needed him to keep on my back.  So maybe you need to tell your husband that he needs to talk to Smoky himself, and if he's really serious about quitting, he should tell Smoky to stop offering them. (whoops, didn't read your update properly)

Sorry, didn't mean for that to be such a novel!

--- End quote ---
  Thanks for your perspective.  Bolded above is a piece I find to be particularly true between the perceptions of smokers and non-smokers.  Maybe my husband just needs to get pregnant. ;)

--- End quote ---

No problem, I'm glad it made some sense. Good luck with getting your husband pregnant :)

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