General Etiquette > Life...in general

S/O Smoky the Neighbor

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hobish:

--- Quote from: NyaChan on November 21, 2012, 12:42:27 PM ---I think you are misdirecting your anger towards Smoky rather than focusing on the fact that your husband has been lying and sneaking to smoke with someone.  That's not on Smoky, that's on your husband, and you can either choose to put up with it or call it a deal breaker for staying married.  Smoky is only acting this way because your husband has given him reason to believe that it is okay to ignore you and sneak around behind your back.  That is entirely on your husband unless he has been protesting or asking Smoky not to do this and has been ignored.  This is between Smoky and your husband, not you and Smoky.

--- End quote ---

So much this. Stop inviting Smoky into your marriage. There is no reason your neighbor should know or have influence over what actions by your husband - who is a grown man and does not need to have his actions discussed with the neighbors - are having on your marriage. Honestly, that is so much worse than your husband sneaking a cigarette now and then. I never say this, but you guys need a marriage counselor, stat. And i know you didn't ask for them, but hugs to you, because that sounds like a powderkeg.

O'Dell:
So you do all these favors for this guy and his wife and he can't do you the favor of backing off on the cigs with your husband? I'd consider him texting that under the circumstances to be a big old middle finger to your face. He essentially said that he doesn't care what happens to you or your marriage, he's gonna do what he wants regardless what is good for your husband and you.

Sure it's up to your husband to resist any temptations from Smokey or anyone else, but it's not unreasonable to expect some support from a friend. You can't control Smokey or your husband, but you can control how you interact with someone that has shown he doesn't care about you.

I think you should give him the cold shoulder, while being nice to his wife. And cut out the favors. If he asks why not, tell him: I asked you for a favor and you couldn't be bothered. Why should I keep helping you out?

I'm mad on your behalf!

chigrrl1:

--- Quote from: hobish on November 21, 2012, 01:08:51 PM ---
--- Quote from: NyaChan on November 21, 2012, 12:42:27 PM ---I think you are misdirecting your anger towards Smoky rather than focusing on the fact that your husband has been lying and sneaking to smoke with someone.  That's not on Smoky, that's on your husband, and you can either choose to put up with it or call it a deal breaker for staying married.  Smoky is only acting this way because your husband has given him reason to believe that it is okay to ignore you and sneak around behind your back.  That is entirely on your husband unless he has been protesting or asking Smoky not to do this and has been ignored.  This is between Smoky and your husband, not you and Smoky.

--- End quote ---

So much this. Stop inviting Smoky into your marriage. There is no reason your neighbor should know or have influence over what actions by your husband - who is a grown man and does not need to have his actions discussed with the neighbors - are having on your marriage. Honestly, that is so much worse than your husband sneaking a cigarette now and then. I never say this, but you guys need a marriage counselor, stat. And i know you didn't ask for them, but hugs to you, because that sounds like a powderkeg.

--- End quote ---
I agree that my marital issues should not be aired to the neighbors in great detail, but feel the need to clarify.  The subject of smoking has come up on several occasions with Smoky and most recently as it specifically relates to some of the complications of my husband's hospitalization.  Since they are friends and Smoky was asking how he was doing, I shared that information.  Marital issues aside, I'm looking for a way to cut this guy out of my circle of people I would do a favor for without causing too much drama.  Unfortunately, he often comes directly to me with his little requests, so they aren't vetted through my husband.  It puts me in an uncomfortable position as I don't know the best way to cut him off without telling him why....which, as you noted, would probably result in marital information over-sharing.  To me, what he did was like asking someone straight out of rehab if they'd like to pop down for a drink.  It's obviously up to the addict to say no, but it's not being a good friend or neighbor and it felt disrespectful to me personally as he knows my feelings on the matter.

Devix:
Forgive me if I'm wrong but I'm assuming your husband is a grown man who is fully capable of making his own decisions on what he does and who he hangs out with as well as the consequences of those decisions.  Reading your OP, I can't help but see a huge feeling of aggression against a man who really shouldn't be held responsible for your husband's decisions.  Yes, it is incredibly thoughtless that Smoky would offer your husband a cigarette so soon after he was released from the hospital but you've only really heard your husband's side of the story and don't know if there was anything else going on.  After all, you said yourself that your husband has lied about the smoking subject before.

You are certainly free to deny him any favors and if he asks any of you you can simply say "I'm afraid I cannot accommodate that request" and be done with it though your husband is also free to continue doing favors for Smoky if he so chooses.

As far as an apology, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say that he doesn't owe you one though I may be in the minority here.  He made an offer to your husband that your husband was absolutely free to (and did) refuse. 

chigrrl1:

--- Quote from: O'Dell on November 21, 2012, 01:11:44 PM ---So you do all these favors for this guy and his wife and he can't do you the favor of backing off on the cigs with your husband? I'd consider him texting that under the circumstances to be a big old middle finger to your face. He essentially said that he doesn't care what happens to you or your marriage, he's gonna do what he wants regardless what is good for your husband and you.

Sure it's up to your husband to resist any temptations from Smokey or anyone else, but it's not unreasonable to expect some support from a friend. You can't control Smokey or your husband, but you can control how you interact with someone that has shown he doesn't care about you.

I think you should give him the cold shoulder, while being nice to his wife. And cut out the favors. If he asks why not, tell him: I asked you for a favor and you couldn't be bothered. Why should I keep helping you out?

I'm mad on your behalf!

--- End quote ---
Thank you for your shared righteous indignation!  I'm truly not trying to make excuses for the hubs--whole separate topic.  It just feels super shady and sneaky considering the circumstances.  I don't want to snap on this guy, I just want him to understand that I personally am no longer an individual who is willing to help him out of his ongoing mini-issues.

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