General Etiquette > Life...in general

End of a Friendship...?

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NZHoney:
Not sure what to do, hoping you wise and wonderful people can help me.

I've known Annabeth for nearly 26 years, she and I have had the odd downer, but very rarely, considering that she and I have been friends for so long.  She is certainly one of my best friends… or so I thought.

There are two points/future events that are significant…

1.   We are both 39, and decided next year (the big 4-0!) that we would have a joint 40th party, the weekend that was exactly the middle between our two birthdays.  This was decided well over 18 months ago, in fact, may have even been over 2 years ago.  We have talked about it a lot.
2.   We have been saving money in a separate joint bank account for about 3 years now, with the express purpose of taking a trip together to an island resort to spend a week chilling out together and celebrating our friendship.  This vacation was to take place the week after our joint 40th, leaving on the Monday after.

Then it happened… she left her husband, who she had not really had a marriage with for years and was really unhappy with, and moved in with a new man.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled for her, I am really happy that she has found someone who she can share her life with and be happy with… I just didn't think it would come at the expense of our friendship.

The first thing was a couple of months back, when she told me she and her new man were going to try for a baby, so she may well be pregnant in April when we were going to go away.  That’s ok… well, it’s not, but it is so not up to me in the slightest when she gets pregnant, totally none of my business.  So I told her it was ok, we wouldn't book in September as we had planned, we’d hold off booking until February next year, by which point she would either stop trying for a couple of months etc etc.  Yes, I know, we still could have gone if she was pregnant, but it wasn't the holiday we had planned, and it certainly wasn't the holiday I had saved my precious pennies for.  So, all squared away, no news on the baby front, thought we were ticking along…

Then came the email a couple of weeks ago asking me if the boys could come too, on our holiday.  I rolled my eyes, thought about it for a while, discussed it with my husband and decided, after much deliberation, that the boys could come.  Partly because I have wanted to take my hubby on an island holiday for years, and this would save us having to pay for me a second time (kill two birds with one stone, so to speak), but mostly because she was my best friend, and I am happy that she is happy…

Then we can’t go on the dates that we had agreed to go… once again, something in her life has taken over.  Ok, I gritted my teeth and said that it’s ok, I’m disappointed, but it’s ok, and we can arrange to go at another, as yet unspecified, time.

Now the kicker…  Last weekend I got a text… yes, a text… telling me that, effectively, the sport her man plays (don’t want to give too much detail), has a big game on the night of our party, and that she has to be there with him, as she has a role to play (sorry for being so vague).   Her text did not offer any other suggestion, leading me to have to compromise, once again.

So, there you have it.  She has not contacted me since, and I haven’t contacted her, mostly because I just don’t know what to say.  My first reaction was to just cancel the whole thing and take back my share of our savings.

I love her to bits, but I think this might be the end of the friendship.  I’m just sick of being the one who has to make all the compromises.  Am I over reacting?  Should prior commitments come before a new man?  Or should her new partner be the most important thing in her life, at all times, irrespective of prior commitments to friends, best friends?

Hope you guys can help with some suggestions of how I should deal with this…

Shoo:
You have been far too accommodating.  She's taking the proverbial mile.

I definitely think you should withdraw your savings immediately.  No good can come of a shared bank account with someone so preoccupied with her own life that she shows no concern for YOU.  And honestly, at this point, the idea of going on vacation with the two of them sounds pretty awful (to me).  Take your money and your husband and go on that vacation -- alone with each other.

rose red:
Yes, take your share of the savings ASAP and plan your own trip with your family or another friend.  At this point, even if she ends up on a trip with you, she will not *be* with you.  Her mind will be elsewhere.

eta: I would not end the friendship, but step back for now.  Let her make the next effort.

LazyDaisy:
I sympathize (I'm also 39 so I understand how big a deal this probably is) and know that you are very hurt by this but I don't think that the entire friendship needs to come to an end. That said, the birthday trip plans do. Withdraw your money and let her know that the joint trip is too difficult to schedule now that you are both* so busy. I say both because this will hopefully remind her that you also have a life that needs to be taken into account in the planning. The plans made years before just won't work out now that the time is here. You hope the two of you will be able to have a birthday dinner or something requiring less of a time and money commitment. Try to do this calmly and without making any accusations. Then plan your own wonderful birthday trip closer to your own birthday and enjoy it.

WillyNilly:
Definitely withdraw your half of the money now, in fact do it yesterday.  This is not someone you can trust at this point.

I would then - and yes I know she was your best friend but please do this after you take out your money - call her.  No emails, no texts, call her and say your piece.  Let her know how disappointed and hurt you are that has 3 times changed years long plans to accommodate her new man and how you will not do it anymore and how you are really quite sorry she's going to miss your 40th birthday party and how very hurt you are that instead of finding a way to fit her new man into her existing life she has instead decided to simply give him your spot in it.

Then drink a bottle of wine.

Then move forward and plan yourself a big party for all your friends.

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