End of a Friendship...?

[NZHoney]

Not sure what to do, hoping you wise and wonderful people can help me.

I've known Annabeth for nearly 26 years, she and I have had the odd downer, but very rarely, considering that she and I have been friends for so long.  She is certainly one of my best friends… or so I thought.

There are two points/future events that are significant…

1.   We are both 39, and decided next year (the big 4-0!) that we would have a joint 40th party, the weekend that was exactly the middle between our two birthdays.  This was decided well over 18 months ago, in fact, may have even been over 2 years ago.  We have talked about it a lot.
2.   We have been saving money in a separate joint bank account for about 3 years now, with the express purpose of taking a trip together to an island resort to spend a week chilling out together and celebrating our friendship.  This vacation was to take place the week after our joint 40th, leaving on the Monday after.

Then it happened… she left her husband, who she had not really had a marriage with for years and was really unhappy with, and moved in with a new man.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled for her, I am really happy that she has found someone who she can share her life with and be happy with… I just didn't think it would come at the expense of our friendship.

The first thing was a couple of months back, when she told me she and her new man were going to try for a baby, so she may well be pregnant in April when we were going to go away.  That’s ok… well, it’s not, but it is so not up to me in the slightest when she gets pregnant, totally none of my business.  So I told her it was ok, we wouldn't book in September as we had planned, we’d hold off booking until February next year, by which point she would either stop trying for a couple of months etc etc.  Yes, I know, we still could have gone if she was pregnant, but it wasn't the holiday we had planned, and it certainly wasn't the holiday I had saved my precious pennies for.  So, all squared away, no news on the baby front, thought we were ticking along…

Then came the email a couple of weeks ago asking me if the boys could come too, on our holiday.  I rolled my eyes, thought about it for a while, discussed it with my husband and decided, after much deliberation, that the boys could come.  Partly because I have wanted to take my hubby on an island holiday for years, and this would save us having to pay for me a second time (kill two birds with one stone, so to speak), but mostly because she was my best friend, and I am happy that she is happy…

Then we can’t go on the dates that we had agreed to go… once again, something in her life has taken over.  Ok, I gritted my teeth and said that it’s ok, I’m disappointed, but it’s ok, and we can arrange to go at another, as yet unspecified, time.

Now the kicker…  Last weekend I got a text… yes, a text… telling me that, effectively, the sport her man plays (don’t want to give too much detail), has a big game on the night of our party, and that she has to be there with him, as she has a role to play (sorry for being so vague).   Her text did not offer any other suggestion, leading me to have to compromise, once again.

So, there you have it.  She has not contacted me since, and I haven’t contacted her, mostly because I just don’t know what to say.  My first reaction was to just cancel the whole thing and take back my share of our savings.

I love her to bits, but I think this might be the end of the friendship.  I’m just sick of being the one who has to make all the compromises.  Am I over reacting?  Should prior commitments come before a new man?  Or should her new partner be the most important thing in her life, at all times, irrespective of prior commitments to friends, best friends?

Hope you guys can help with some suggestions of how I should deal with this…

[Shoo]

You have been far too accommodating.  She's taking the proverbial mile.

I definitely think you should withdraw your savings immediately.  No good can come of a shared bank account with someone so preoccupied with her own life that she shows no concern for YOU.  And honestly, at this point, the idea of going on vacation with the two of them sounds pretty awful (to me).  Take your money and your husband and go on that vacation -- alone with each other.

[rose red]

Yes, take your share of the savings ASAP and plan your own trip with your family or another friend.  At this point, even if she ends up on a trip with you, she will not *be* with you.  Her mind will be elsewhere.

eta: I would not end the friendship, but step back for now.  Let her make the next effort.

[LazyDaisy]

I sympathize (I'm also 39 so I understand how big a deal this probably is) and know that you are very hurt by this but I don't think that the entire friendship needs to come to an end. That said, the birthday trip plans do. Withdraw your money and let her know that the joint trip is too difficult to schedule now that you are both* so busy. I say both because this will hopefully remind her that you also have a life that needs to be taken into account in the planning. The plans made years before just won't work out now that the time is here. You hope the two of you will be able to have a birthday dinner or something requiring less of a time and money commitment. Try to do this calmly and without making any accusations. Then plan your own wonderful birthday trip closer to your own birthday and enjoy it.

[WillyNilly]

Definitely withdraw your half of the money now, in fact do it yesterday.  This is not someone you can trust at this point.

I would then - and yes I know she was your best friend but please do this after you take out your money - call her.  No emails, no texts, call her and say your piece.  Let her know how disappointed and hurt you are that has 3 times changed years long plans to accommodate her new man and how you will not do it anymore and how you are really quite sorry she's going to miss your 40th birthday party and how very hurt you are that instead of finding a way to fit her new man into her existing life she has instead decided to simply give him your spot in it.

Then drink a bottle of wine.

Then move forward and plan yourself a big party for all your friends.

[NZHoney]

Thanks to all of you who have replied, you are prettying much saying what I have been thinking.

Unfortunately I have to have the conversation with her before I get my money out, as we set it up so that neither of us could withdraw individually, we both have to be there.  I guess that is also a good thing, although I know she would never steal from me, she is not that kind of person.

[bloo]

Not really sure where the etiquette question is here but I'm sorry about this difficulty in your relationship with your BFF.

Unless you have a good reason to believe your BFF cannot be trusted to raid your bank account, I'd hold off on getting your money out. I mean, personally, I'd plan on taking it out but do it afterwards as a sign of good faith...after having a conversation with BFF.

I'd discuss something along the lines of "...life seems to have her in a different place than you both could've predicted two years ago" (not entirely true - HER CHOICES are what have her in a different place but that's BFF's business totally as you've acknowledged). "As such, I'd like to go ahead and split the remaining monies in the account and later on we can discuss another way to celebrate our friendship that won't be at odds with your new marriage and child-bearing plans." Act happy for her (who knows? eventually you may well be) but right now these major changes have sidetracked your friendship and it may be awhile before you both find your balance. I hope you won't have to end the friendship but honestly, I think a conversation about where it's going is in order first. Best wishes

[MerryCat]

I agree with those who suggested withdrawing your money ASAP. Once that's done I'd cool on on the friendship a bit. I wouldn't end it at that point, but I would give her a let space to let her get over her new-relationship phase. Once the dust settles I'd reevaluate.

[WillyNilly]

My thinking with the money wasn't that *she* would steal from you, but more that her new man might start morphing his thoughts to it being her money then morph to it being particially his. I understand trusting your friend, but how well do you know and trust this new guy? I mean sure its great to give a friend's new SO benefit of the doubt, but there's still a limit, and she's clearly been discussing the future party and vacation plans with him - until you know him better you don't know how he thinks. I've known plenty of guys where thiswouldn't be an issue, but I've known plenty who would be whispering "that's BS! That's your money! That's supposed to pay for airfare and a cabana on the beach!"

[NZHoney]

Good point WillyNilly, I never thought about it like that.  I don't know him at all, have only met him a handful of times...

Food for thought...

[weeblewobble]

I definitely support the idea of taking your half of the money, tout suite.  But I would only take what you can prove you deposited, with the appropriate interest.  I would hate for her or her boyfriend to take sudden umbrage with your withdrawal after the fact and accuse you of something.  And I don't think I would bother with admonitions about her inability to share her life with new guy and keep contact with the people who supported her through her divorce.  She will only see those sort of statements as sour grapes and "proof" that you weren't a very good friend afterall.  Just tell her you are going ahead with your plans without her, take your money, take your trip and enjoy time with your husband.

(And happy birthday. )
 

[sammycat]

I'm sorry things have worked out this way. 

I agree with the others to cancel the plans with her, and withdraw the money.  However, seeing as you both need to be there for any withdrawals to take place, what are you going to do if she refuses to do this?  Is there any way around that?

This probably won't be an easy conversation to have, so good luck!

[LEMon]

She is definitely in a honeymoon phase: an emotional response to the frustration of the divorce, fear of being alone, and joy at having something special in her life.  I offer this not as a reason not to be hurt because the hurt is very real, but a way to approach her more empathically.  The more she feels you understand her, the more she may be able to see how you feel.  Besides expressing how it feels to give and have her keep needing to change things for his needs, you may want to express how you miss her as your friend.

Right now everything is 'wonderful'.  I'm sure life will reexert its influence soon and she will feel the need for a good girlfriend to talk with in depth.

Have a good talk with her that includes plans to free up the money so you both can use it for other things.  Getting her money out at the same time may be the way to approach it: 'since the trip no longer works, why don't we close the account?  That way we can both use the money for something else.'

[gramma dishes]

...   
Have a good talk with her that includes plans to free up the money so you both can use it for other things.  Getting her money out at the same time may be the way to approach it: 'since the trip no longer works, why don't we close the account?  That way we can both use the money for something else.'

I really like LEMon's wording.  I think this is the way to go! 

[Raintree]

Although it's disappointing that the trip plans seem to be falling through, I don't think that is the friendship-ending move here. Life situations change, and in her case, it's not reasonable to expect her to hold off on getting pregnant until the trip has been taken. (Especially at age 39; if she wants to get pregnant she should take whatever timing nature decides to give her, trip plan or no trip plan). I know the OP was understanding of this, although disappointed.

What I would be super offended by would be the blowing off of a party that had been planned for years, in favour of the new man's sporting event. Again, life changes, priorities change, but how hard is it to stick to one evening you've been planning with your long-term best friend for many years? (Also, according to the book "Why men love female dogs" it's no way to gain respect in a new relationship either.)

I'd be in a hurry to withdraw my share of the joint savings account before it turns ugly (let's hope it doesn't); we also don't know much about this new man and/or how much influence he has on her.