End of a Friendship...?

[Deetee]

I'm going to be more optimistic than the previous posters. This is a 25 year friendship that has had previous ups and downs. This trip was supposed to be an "up" but your friends life has changed dramatically in the last year. It totally, totally sucks and it is selfish of her, but the fact is a year ago she  was in an unhappy marriage and the idea of a fantastic tropical vacation with her best friend was the best thing she could imagine.

Now she is in the giddy honeymoon phase of a new relationship and is thinking about having children. It isn't that you became less important in an absolute sense. She likely still has the same degree of affection and warmth for you as she had a year ago, but she suddenly has a lot of other wonderful stuff in her life right now and you aren't the only light.

She has cancelled the joint party (which is a complete jerk move-I want to make that really, really, really clear. You just don't do that and if you do, it is NOT by a text) but it sounds like the vacation is still on. It would be different. It would be a couples vacation.

I suppose I would look at this and say that it has shown an aspect of her character that is not very flattering. It shows a disrespect for the friendship and a cowardliness of dealing with her changing priorities. However, you have known her for over 20 years and will have to weigh whether this is thoughtlessness and giddy hormones overwhelming a decent person or if this is a lifting of veil to a selfish and shallow person who only wanted friendship when there was nothing "better".

[cicero]

I'm going to be more optimistic than the previous posters. This is a 25 year friendship that has had previous ups and downs. This trip was supposed to be an "up" but your friends life has changed dramatically in the last year. It totally, totally sucks and it is selfish of her, but the fact is a year ago she  was in an unhappy marriage and the idea of a fantastic tropical vacation with her best friend was the best thing she could imagine.

Now she is in the giddy honeymoon phase of a new relationship and is thinking about having children. It isn't that you became less important in an absolute sense. She likely still has the same degree of affection and warmth for you as she had a year ago, but she suddenly has a lot of other wonderful stuff in her life right now and you aren't the only light.

She has cancelled the joint party (which is a complete jerk move-I want to make that really, really, really clear. You just don't do that and if you do, it is NOT by a text) but it sounds like the vacation is still on. It would be different. It would be a couples vacation.

I suppose I would look at this and say that it has shown an aspect of her character that is not very flattering. It shows a disrespect for the friendship and a cowardliness of dealing with her changing priorities. However, you have known her for over 20 years and will have to weigh whether this is thoughtlessness and giddy hormones overwhelming a decent person or if this is a lifting of veil to a selfish and shallow person who only wanted friendship when there was nothing "better".

i agree with this.

I think it is a *change* of the friendship and not an *end* of the friendship.

[chibichan]

I'm going to be more optimistic than the previous posters. This is a 25 year friendship that has had previous ups and downs. This trip was supposed to be an "up" but your friends life has changed dramatically in the last year. It totally, totally sucks and it is selfish of her, but the fact is a year ago she  was in an unhappy marriage and the idea of a fantastic tropical vacation with her best friend was the best thing she could imagine.

Now she is in the giddy honeymoon phase of a new relationship and is thinking about having children. It isn't that you became less important in an absolute sense. She likely still has the same degree of affection and warmth for you as she had a year ago, but she suddenly has a lot of other wonderful stuff in her life right now and you aren't the only light.

She has cancelled the joint party (which is a complete jerk move-I want to make that really, really, really clear. You just don't do that and if you do, it is NOT by a text) but it sounds like the vacation is still on. It would be different. It would be a couples vacation.

I suppose I would look at this and say that it has shown an aspect of her character that is not very flattering. It shows a disrespect for the friendship and a cowardliness of dealing with her changing priorities. However, you have known her for over 20 years and will have to weigh whether this is thoughtlessness and giddy hormones overwhelming a decent person or if this is a lifting of veil to a selfish and shallow person who only wanted friendship when there was nothing "better".

i agree with this.

I think it is a *change* of the friendship and not an *end* of the friendship.

I agree with DeeTee and Cicero . This is a long term friendship and a new situation .

OP , talk to her and tell her that you have invested more than money in this trip . Let her know you are disappointed . Then tell her that you want to disolve the joint account and you will be taking the trip with your DH instead .

You can suggest that maybe you can both try again for the 50th birthday , but I would not use a joint account under any circumstance .

[LifeOnPluto]

I agree with Raintree and Deetee.

I kind of get that she want to bring the "boys" on the trip. Especially if she's still in the honeymoon phase, and wants to be with her new man 24/7.

But cancelling your joint 40th (planned months in advance) in favour of her boyfriend's sporting event is an extremely immature, selfish and insensitive move. I also think her new boyfriend shares part of the blame for not insisting that she keeps her prior commitment to you and the party.

I could excuse this type of behaviour if it were coming from a 16 year old girl who's having her first real "relationship" and is kind of awestruck by everything. But not from a grown woman of nearly 40.

As for how to proceed, I'd definitely tell her that we should withdraw our respective shares of the money. I'd also tell her how disappointed I was that she was blowing off the 40th birthday party for a sporting event. Especially as she didn't even bother to apologise. Just expected you to instantly understand and accept the situation.