Author Topic: I'm not being pushy!  (Read 6301 times)

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It's good to be Queen

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #15 on: November 20, 2012, 04:16:00 PM »
Quote
  MIL has commented that it'd be wonderful if we had kids, so SIL's kids "will have someone to play with as they get older".

I had horrible little cousins that I hated having to play with when they came over, so hardly a good excuse to procreate!

A good response to that comment might be "I'm sure little _____ will make plenty of friends on her own!", "They can get her a puppy".  Keep  smiling and gritting your teeth.  Because we all know that the best reason to have kids is to supply someone else with a playmate.

Deetee

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #16 on: November 20, 2012, 05:14:13 PM »
I think there was a good opening for you to say that "Actually, I do feel that several people have been a bit too pushy on this topic for my comfort recently and I want to thank BIL for recognising it"

It acknowledged the truth, doesn't put all the blame on SIL (because if was her comment in isolation, it doesn't sound like that would be pushy. It's that death by a thousand annoying comments) and thanks BIL for recognising the issue.

sweetonsno

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #17 on: November 20, 2012, 06:04:57 PM »
I think there was a good opening for you to say that "Actually, I do feel that several people have been a bit too pushy on this topic for my comfort recently and I want to thank BIL for recognising it"

It acknowledged the truth, doesn't put all the blame on SIL (because if was her comment in isolation, it doesn't sound like that would be pushy. It's that death by a thousand annoying comments) and thanks BIL for recognising the issue.

Deetee is wise. I don't think SIL's comment, on its own, is pushy. "Doesn't it make you want to hold a baby of your own?" doesn't really strike me as meaning, "You really need to start with the baby-making." It sounds like she's noticing your enjoyment of a shared experience (holding a sweet baby).

If your decision to start trying in a couple of years is known (or you want it to be known), you could tack it on at the end of Deetee's response. "Remember, we've decided to wait a couple of years."

mbbored

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #18 on: November 20, 2012, 09:13:55 PM »
I think there was a good opening for you to say that "Actually, I do feel that several people have been a bit too pushy on this topic for my comfort recently and I want to thank BIL for recognising it"

It acknowledged the truth, doesn't put all the blame on SIL (because if was her comment in isolation, it doesn't sound like that would be pushy. It's that death by a thousand annoying comments) and thanks BIL for recognising the issue.

Deetee is wise. I don't think SIL's comment, on its own, is pushy. "Doesn't it make you want to hold a baby of your own?" doesn't really strike me as meaning, "You really need to start with the baby-making." It sounds like she's noticing your enjoyment of a shared experience (holding a sweet baby).

If your decision to start trying in a couple of years is known (or you want it to be known), you could tack it on at the end of Deetee's response. "Remember, we've decided to wait a couple of years."

Sweetonsno, I have to disagree. I've had the same thing said to me and I find it to be very nosy and pushy. Unless it's your spouse, it's none of your business whether or not a person wants to have their own baby.

girlysprite

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #19 on: November 21, 2012, 05:29:44 AM »
I think there was a good opening for you to say that "Actually, I do feel that several people have been a bit too pushy on this topic for my comfort recently and I want to thank BIL for recognising it"

It acknowledged the truth, doesn't put all the blame on SIL (because if was her comment in isolation, it doesn't sound like that would be pushy. It's that death by a thousand annoying comments) and thanks BIL for recognising the issue.

Deetee is wise. I don't think SIL's comment, on its own, is pushy. "Doesn't it make you want to hold a baby of your own?" doesn't really strike me as meaning, "You really need to start with the baby-making." It sounds like she's noticing your enjoyment of a shared experience (holding a sweet baby).

If your decision to start trying in a couple of years is known (or you want it to be known), you could tack it on at the end of Deetee's response. "Remember, we've decided to wait a couple of years."

Sweetonsno, I have to disagree. I've had the same thing said to me and I find it to be very nosy and pushy. Unless it's your spouse, it's none of your business whether or not a person wants to have their own baby.

I think it depends on the history with that person and the circumstances of that time. For some people it really is just small-talk and they mean nothing with it. However, the person who can judge this for the best is OP.

Corvid

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #20 on: November 21, 2012, 07:47:54 AM »
I think there was a good opening for you to say that "Actually, I do feel that several people have been a bit too pushy on this topic for my comfort recently and I want to thank BIL for recognising it"

It acknowledged the truth, doesn't put all the blame on SIL (because if was her comment in isolation, it doesn't sound like that would be pushy. It's that death by a thousand annoying comments) and thanks BIL for recognising the issue.

Deetee is wise. I don't think SIL's comment, on its own, is pushy. "Doesn't it make you want to hold a baby of your own?" doesn't really strike me as meaning, "You really need to start with the baby-making." It sounds like she's noticing your enjoyment of a shared experience (holding a sweet baby).

If your decision to start trying in a couple of years is known (or you want it to be known), you could tack it on at the end of Deetee's response. "Remember, we've decided to wait a couple of years."

Sweetonsno, I have to disagree. I've had the same thing said to me and I find it to be very nosy and pushy. Unless it's your spouse, it's none of your business whether or not a person wants to have their own baby.

I heard this comment a number of times throughout the years.  Whether or not it was meant to be nosy or pushy, it was always irritating, particularly if the person saying it already knew that I did not intend to have children, which was usually the case.

spookycatlady

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #21 on: November 21, 2012, 09:12:16 AM »
There's nothing like being told you're inadequate when you're enjoying a moment.  Even thought the intent might come from a warm, heartfelt place, from wanting to share a personal feeling of joy, being told repeatedly by many in multiple tones (gentle encouragement to outright shaming) by so many different people is a statement that the current state of who you are isn't enough.

"When are you going to start seeing someone?"
["When are you going to move in together?"] optional pressure
"When are you going to get married?"
"When are you going to have babies?"
"No, really WHEN are you going to have babies?"
"Babiesbabiesbabiesbabies?"

Just before I met the Dude, my life had a lovely comfortable Single Lady About Town groove.  My dance card was full, my remote control was my own and life was grand. I was happily looking for someone, but wasn't under any personal pressure to improve my current state of affairs.  I was getting a lot of flack from friends/family to NOT be happy with the current state of affairs.  I needed to pair bond immediately, I guess.

I developed a handy stock phrase that I still use to this day, "I'm really happy enjoying the moment that I'm in."  I'm a planner and a worrier by nature, so any friend close enough to think they could ask any one of those questions, usually backed off. 

We have a phased approach when dealing with this as a married couple.  Humour - Matter of Fact - Blunt

All statements basically boil down to "This is private and none of your business."  Most people back off.  Your FIL, though?  That's a special case and I wish you the best of luck.

O'Dell

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #22 on: November 21, 2012, 10:00:30 AM »
There's nothing like being told you're inadequate when you're enjoying a moment.  Even thought the intent might come from a warm, heartfelt place, from wanting to share a personal feeling of joy, being told repeatedly by many in multiple tones (gentle encouragement to outright shaming) by so many different people is a statement that the current state of who you are isn't enough.

"When are you going to start seeing someone?"
["When are you going to move in together?"] optional pressure
"When are you going to get married?"
"When are you going to have babies?"
"No, really WHEN are you going to have babies?"
"Babiesbabiesbabiesbabies?"

Just before I met the Dude, my life had a lovely comfortable Single Lady About Town groove.  My dance card was full, my remote control was my own and life was grand. I was happily looking for someone, but wasn't under any personal pressure to improve my current state of affairs.  I was getting a lot of flack from friends/family to NOT be happy with the current state of affairs.  I needed to pair bond immediately, I guess.

I developed a handy stock phrase that I still use to this day, "I'm really happy enjoying the moment that I'm in."  I'm a planner and a worrier by nature, so any friend close enough to think they could ask any one of those questions, usually backed off. 

We have a phased approach when dealing with this as a married couple.  Humour - Matter of Fact - Blunt

All statements basically boil down to "This is private and none of your business."  Most people back off.  Your FIL, though?  That's a special case and I wish you the best of luck.

I think that's some good advice. The snarky part of me would have told sister that comments like that were training me not to want to be around the kids, but for sure your wording is better. :D
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman

Firecat

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #23 on: November 21, 2012, 10:21:53 AM »
To the "doesn't it make you want to hold one of your own" comments, I think I'd respond by saying, in a cheerful tone "Now why would I want to do that when I can enjoy holding this one and then give him back? I'm way too fond of that 'giving him back' part to give it up!"


nayberry

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #24 on: November 21, 2012, 11:07:19 AM »
my response to friends/family who ask when we are going to have children is "we enjoy practicing too much!"  usually shuts them up ;)

Bethalize

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #25 on: November 22, 2012, 02:29:07 PM »
My slightly more friendly brush-off comment is: "How could any baby ever be as gorgeous and as wonderful as this one?" That deflects on to the poor child who everyone now has to spend another five minutes agreeing is utterly perfect and beautiful. Follow up with: "Is he always as good as this?" or similar and - danger past!

ETA that's slightly more friendly than my other comments such as: "I like babies, but I couldn't eat a whole one".
« Last Edit: November 22, 2012, 02:34:18 PM by Bethalize »

Hunter-Gatherer

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #26 on: November 23, 2012, 09:04:36 AM »
Sometimes blunt is called for, especially given what FIL said.  At this point I'd get them all in a room and say something like, "Look.  Every time we see anyone in this family there are multiple comments about how we need to hurry up and have children.  Some of them (FIL's "ashamed" comment in particular) have been truly offensive.  We want to make this perfectly clear.  We will have children when WE decide it's time.  Nothing you say can or will change that, so just stop it.  The only effect all these comments have is to make us angry.  They do not, and will not lead to us having children on your schedule instead of ours.  Further, if and when we do have children, we're not so sure we'd want them around people who so very clearly disrespect our decisions.  If you can't respect our decision about when to become parents, why should we believe that when the time comes you'll respect the decisions we make as parents, and that truly worries us for when we do have children." 

Evil H-G might really want to add, "So back the (expletive deleted) off." at the end, but we generally keep him under wraps.

Bethalize

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Re: I'm not being pushy!
« Reply #27 on: November 23, 2012, 11:04:57 AM »
We will have children if and when WE decide it's time. 

I suggest adding an "if".  It's much easier to cope with baby pushers who think you're deliberately not having children than baby pushers who are soooo sorry (and smug) that you can't do what they can do so well. Also, if we are arguing that your reproductive plans and choices are no one else's business then it's best not to give away the information yourselves.