Author Topic: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.  (Read 5053 times)

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Setsu

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #15 on: November 23, 2012, 11:50:39 AM »
I would love to marry him but there are several personal/legal reasons that prohibit such an occasion, that are not relevant to the problem. :)

Most of the time he works 3-4 days a week, and the other 3-4 we are sent off to town for one thing or another. Any trip into town for anything turns into at least three hours of things, because she will suddenly remember several other things to have done. "We're out of milk can you run into town?" becomes "get this whole grocery list" which requires going to three different shops. Then she will scramble together a handful of checks to be deposited into her bank, and a few packages to drop off at the UPS store, and oh I'm hungry so grab us all lunch while you're out. Every day.

mich3554

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #16 on: November 23, 2012, 11:54:20 AM »
OP....my folks always had a saying...."my house, my rules".  While I was living there, I got to jump through their hoops.

It sounds like you are the only one not working, which sets you as the default to take some of the household work off your mom.  And as it is her house, I think she has the right to some privacy to herself.

I'm sorry that you have issues that make it difficult to move quickly in the morning, but NOW is the time to try to deal with these.  Any employer.....or professor, is not going to be sympathetic to the fact that you won't be able to get to a job or class by 9 am.  If you are sleeping in past 10 or 11 in the morning, I can see how your mom might start to resent this and it is not a good habit to acquire on a regular basis.

The onus is on you to try to make your mom's life as easy as possible, since she is not only footing your living expenses, she is footing them of your b/f.  IMO, that is incredibly generous of her.

About your b/f's mother, that is his problem to deal with.  Taking money from a parent gives them rights to ask.  So if your b/f does not like this, then it is his choice not to accept the money from his mom.

Setsu

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #17 on: November 23, 2012, 12:06:18 PM »
It would be easier to "not accept" money from his mother if she did not directly deposit it into his bank and then text him about it later, I think. Maybe I'll try and have him have a conversation with her about that.

LeveeWoman

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #18 on: November 23, 2012, 12:08:09 PM »
It would be easier to "not accept" money from his mother if she did not directly deposit it into his bank and then text him about it later, I think. Maybe I'll try and have him have a conversation with her about that.

What's stopping him from opening a new account and closing the old one?

mich3554

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #19 on: November 23, 2012, 12:08:52 PM »
It would be easier to "not accept" money from his mother if she did not directly deposit it into his bank and then text him about it later, I think. Maybe I'll try and have him have a conversation with her about that.

Then change the bank account.  The fact that he has not implies that he is willing to accept money, regardless as to how much he protests.

Deetee

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #20 on: November 23, 2012, 12:36:38 PM »
I read the entire update and I'm afraid that your update could be summed up as "But that's hard and I don't wanna and Erik doesn't wanna"

All the original advice is good thoughtful advice. Your mom won't ask for anything on the days Erik is working? Try this.

Day before Erik's work day: "Hey mom, I'm going to town tommorrow. Do you need anything?
Day of Erik's work day: "Hey mom, I'm going into town. Do you need anything?
Mom "Uh no"
You "Any groceries? We are low on milk so I'll pick some up. How about dinner stuff for tomorrow? Anything? I'm going to make spaghetti tommorrow so I'll get the fixings for that? Anything else? Fruit, yogurt etc..."
Mom "Bread"
You "Great ....(take out list) Bread, Milk Spaghetti...."
You"Any packages to mail today? I won't be able to do that tommorow as Erik and I are heading to town in completely oppisite direction of errandville"
Mom "Uh two"
You "Great, any stamps, or anything I should pick up"
etc...

Erik's day off : leave house and go to oppisite town. This will let your mom know the days you are available for errands (which do not sound excessive at all considering you have no job and no school) and gets you both out of the house on the days off. If she asks you to do anything say "Sure, I can do that tomorrow, but why didn't you ask me yesterday?"

Setsu

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #21 on: November 23, 2012, 12:39:29 PM »
Well then I will just come up with reasons to go to oppositetown alone on his days off so that Erik can rest and relax at home. That is a solution I had not thought of, but I know she will not ask him to go by himself. Then I will do errands on his work days.

Morticia

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #22 on: November 23, 2012, 12:41:07 PM »
Am I reading that correctly that your mother sulks if your boyfriend eats food that doesn't make him ill? That sounds more than a little controlling. I think you're safe to ignore that. Let her sulk and give your boyfriend food he can safely eat. As wiser heads on this board have said, "She'll either get over it, or die mad." Really, she sounds kind of hostile to him. Do they get along or was he part of a package deal she had to agree to in order to get you to move in with her?
Now our mom says she's changed her mind about the devil's brood, they may be evil so she thinks, but at least they're never rude...
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Deetee

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #23 on: November 23, 2012, 12:49:11 PM »
I should mention that I do think your mother sounds a controlling and annoying (sulking over the food that would make him ill? and scheduling everything when Erik is hime) BUT this is price you pay for living rent free with your parents. You get the annoyance of childhood.

(I have my mom staying with me for two weeks and I invited her to help me out with childcare and she is super useful and she is not interferring, but, my god, do I want MY house back)

Wordgeek

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Re: How to talk to my mother, and his mother.
« Reply #24 on: November 23, 2012, 01:55:29 PM »
Insofar as this is an etiquette issue, the matter has been sufficiently dealt with.