Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[bloo]

Along the lines of fishing for compliments and threatening to die...(Warning: This is something that is only funny if you have been around PA people enough to have some black humor about it.)

I had a work friend who was always saying "No one loves me.  No one would miss me if I killed myself."  Of course we would reassure him that we loved him and would miss him very much.  And it was things like, "I made berry cobbler, it's no good.  Here, try some and tell me if I should kill myself."  or "I'm just have no fashion sense.  I should kill myself." or "I'm no good at my job, I wonder if the boss would be happy if I killed myself."  It also turned into begging for favors.  "No one will ever do X for me.  I might as well kill myself."

So we were always complimenting him on his "talents" covering up for his terrible work and offering to give him rides, etc.  Because we figured if we could just support him through his "rough patch" he would be fine, right?

After six months of knowing him, this got very, very old.  Like when his girlfriend broke up with him and he left a voicemail on my (work) answering machine saying, "I need to talk to someone or I'm going to kill myself" and of course since he left it at 6:00 at night I didn't get it until the next day.  He didn't show up for work the next day.  Oh, and when he came in two days later, he wanted to see who was "sad."  Of course the boss didn't want to fire him because she didn't want his death on her hands.  He was ticked off at me because I called the cops and they did a welfare check at his house.

So, as I was growing my spine.  I decided to change the topic, every time he brought it up.  If he confronted me I'd say, "Well you're still alive." and move on.

Then another girlfriend broke up with him (let's see...how many loves of his life did he lose in a year?)  He went over to her house and threatened to kill himself in front of her if she didn't stay with him.  Of course she called the cops and guess what?  In some places that is legally considered domestic violence.  So he spent the night in jail.  The girl did press charges, he was found mentally incompetent and he was held for inpatient treatment.  I know that sounds terrible, but this was really the best thing for him.

He called up a co-worker when in jail asking for bail and to vouch for his sanity.  The co-worker said that there was no way he could spring for bail.  Afterwards co-worker was telling us, "My regret about this is that I was talking to him when all potential weapons had been removed.  I could have told him the truth about his berry cobbler and faux beatnik hats not worried about driving him to suicide!"

The last paragraph was funny but I have a question about the bolded. Did he bring a weapon with him? If not, was he planning on strangling himself to death or banging his head against her sidewalk, right in front of her? If he actually brought a weapon that is even scarier as all get out and I'm glad he was arrested. I'm guessing he didn't because you mentioned that making the threat was considered domestic violence.

I've told my kids if someone threatens suicide, even in a joking way, that they should show sympathy but let the person know that a second threat will mean a call to the police. It's a shame your office was held hostage by all his threats.  

[Virg]

Who on earth goes through someone else's cupboards and eats their chocolate without permission?   I'd blow a gasket.

My uncle.  Only in his case, it's the fridge.

Ooh, I'd be really mad too if one of my guests ate my fridge, especially without asking first.

Virg

[snowflake]

Then another girlfriend broke up with him (let's see...how many loves of his life did he lose in a year?)  He went over to her house and threatened to kill himself in front of her if she didn't stay with him.  Of course she called the cops and guess what?  In some places that is legally considered domestic violence.  So he spent the night in jail.  The girl did press charges, he was found mentally incompetent and he was held for inpatient treatment.  I know that sounds terrible, but this was really the best thing for him.

He called up a co-worker when in jail asking for bail and to vouch for his sanity.  The co-worker said that there was no way he could spring for bail.  Afterwards co-worker was telling us, "My regret about this is that I was talking to him when all potential weapons had been removed.  I could have told him the truth about his berry cobbler and faux beatnik hats not worried about driving him to suicide!"

The last paragraph was funny but I have a question about the bolded. Did he bring a weapon with him? If not, was he planning on strangling himself to death or banging his head against her sidewalk, right in front of her? If he actually brought a weapon that is even scarier as all get out and I'm glad he was arrested. I'm guessing he didn't because you mentioned that making the threat was considered domestic violence.

I've told my kids if someone threatens suicide, even in a joking way, that they should show sympathy but let the person know that a second threat will mean a call to the police. It's a shame your office was held hostage by all his threats.

I don't have that much detail.  Keep in mind, what I know was from what my other co-worker passed on.  (He was friends with the girlfriend in question as well.)  I didn't get the whole blow-by-blow.  I do know now that any credible threats of violence against property or loved ones is against the law.  In some places this includes if the threatener is the loved one in question.

Not that I want to turn this into a discussion about suicide safety but what you are telling your kids is wise.  I do not regret arranging the welfare check even though it was not necessary.  The threats around me decreased measurably after that.

Who on earth goes through someone else's cupboards and eats their chocolate without permission?   I'd blow a gasket.

My uncle.  Only in his case, it's the fridge.

Ooh, I'd be really mad too if one of my guests ate my fridge, especially without asking first.

Virg

My relatives too.  Including my parents which is very odd because we weren't allowed to eat out of our own fridge when we were kids.  Not that they didn't feed us.  But we were not allowed to open the fridge and eat anything because she was afraid we'd eat the leftovers she was saving for another meal.  Even after thanksgiving she would take apart the turkey and plan meals of leftovers with the meat - put some aside for pot pie, some for turkey salad, etc.  I was flabbergasted when I visited a friend's house for Thanksgiving and she just grabbed some to make us sandwiches.  I thought that her mother must believe in red carpet hospitality.

[whatsanenigma]

Who on earth goes through someone else's cupboards and eats their chocolate without permission?   I'd blow a gasket.

My uncle.  Only in his case, it's the fridge.

Ooh, I'd be really mad too if one of my guests ate my fridge, especially without asking first.

Virg

I would be mad about that too.  It would be so rude to leave them sitting there while I ran out and bought a new one, but equally rude to let the food that was in it spoil and then let my non-rude guests get food poisoning.  Talk about a rock and a hard place, wow.  And then there would probably be melted ice all over the floor, so somebody (probably me) would slip and fall, and of course a trip to the local ER puts a damper on any holiday.

[Miss Misery]

I had one at work today.

Part of my job is to post ads online and make sure they go live on Thursdays. This afternoon I got an email from the person who books the ads: "Just curious where [ad number] is and when it will go online?"

Basically implying that I didn't do my job and the ad didn't go up when it was supposed to.

I found it online in about a minute. 

[Piratelvr1121]

The food stuff in the pantry reminded me of a guy DH and I stupidly allowed to stay with us in our 1br apartment when we were first married.  I was pregnant at the time, around 6-7 months along and still getting wickedly ill if I didn't continously drink water and have small snacks all day. 

This guy however was a night owl and I can't tell you how many times I woke up in the morning to find food gone.  I don't mean the last of the peanut butter, I mean a whole jar and a whole loaf of bread.   I demanded $ for it and as he was walking out the door when I kicked him out he handed me $9 and said that was "all he had" yeah, all he had that wasn't spent on meth.  Naive DH and I had let us stay with us when he gave us this sob story of "I need to get away from the other guys in the barracks so I won't be influenced to keep doing the drugs!!"  It didn't take me long to realize he was still using, thanks to a friend who was also our next door neighbor.   But DH, who likes to believe the best in everybody despite evidence to the contrary and a jury, denied it and was so sure we could help the guy. 

[goldilocks]

PA - ness nearly got DH killed the other night!

I was keeping the baby (18 mos).  I was late getting home with her, and she was sick.  Not really ill, just not feeling well.  So, I'm trying desparately to get her to eat so I can bathe her and get her into bed.  And it's already getting late.

So, I tried to feed her several things and she wouldn't eat.  I finally opened a can of peaches and got her to eat a few of those.  I had left the can on the counter.  DH comes home from a relaxing evening of NOT keeping a sick 18 MO, and says, oh, are you saving this can for some reason?

My reply is not e-hell approved.

No offense intended, but what about your husband's question was PA?  Was there something in his tone of voice?

If I saw an empty can on the counter, I'd probably ask the exact same thing.  If she was saving it, I'd leave it alone.  If she wasn't saving it, I'd toss it in the recycle bin for her.

Having been on the receiving end of comments like that myself, I'm going to guess it was the tone, or the implied notion of "Why didn't you clean this up immediately?"

I have taken to responding to similar comments with "Yes, and I'll deal with it when I have time" or "No, could you please put it away?"  In short, answering the literal question, not the implied comment.

Posting to agree with Lilfox. The tone probably implied anything from, "Why didn't you clean this up immediately?" to "You're so lazy." That's likely what almost got him killed. Also, Goldilocks might have the type of DH that doesn't do as much 'hands-on' with the kids (whether it just be when they're sick or all the childcare) and he could be clueless to how a sick baby might mean some things are in disarray.

My MIL used to talk all the time about how she HAD to work while sick (flu, migraine, strep). I believe her because I've actually seen it because when she said she had a migraine, my DH convinced me and his lazy stepdad to clean the house to MIL's standards so she could rest. She, as I expected, cleaned right along with us - completely ticking off my and her DH's (we were living with them for a couple months while we found a place to live). I wasn't mad because I figured she'd do that anyway.

So I came to understand how my DH was puzzled as to how I couldn't function with a migraine or flu and such. He'd seen his mom do it his whole life. My DH wouldn't have commented on an open peach can left on the counter (doesn't affect him) but he would wonder where lunch or dinner was while I or one of the kids was in the throes of a fever. In the 20+ years we've been married, he has advanced to at least buying frozen food for himself and the kids and picking up soup for me. And since our kids are older they cook and take care of me. It's not like I'm chronically ill, but when it happens at least I don't have to be stressed by someone else's clueless or PA behavior.

It was his tone.  I don't normally leave empty cans on the counter, I was quite overwhelmed.  DH is actually good with the kids.  The baby I'm referring to was our grandchild.  Normally she'll eat anything, loves to take a bath, and is ready for bed by 8.   This particular night she wouldnt eat, screamed at the bath, and refused to go to bed.  I was quite out of my element.

[DottyG]

snowflake, I think you might want to read Virg's post again.   By your response, I think you might have skipped over the meaning!

[jane7166]

Posting to agree with Lilfox. The tone probably implied anything from, "Why didn't you clean this up immediately?" to "You're so lazy." That's likely what almost got him killed. Also, Goldilocks might have the type of DH that doesn't do as much 'hands-on' with the kids (whether it just be when they're sick or all the childcare) and he could be clueless to how a sick baby might mean some things are in disarray.

My MIL used to talk all the time about how she HAD to work while sick (flu, migraine, strep). I believe her because I've actually seen it because when she said she had a migraine, my DH convinced me and his lazy stepdad to clean the house to MIL's standards so she could rest. She, as I expected, cleaned right along with us - completely ticking off my and her DH's (we were living with them for a couple months while we found a place to live). I wasn't mad because I figured she'd do that anyway.

So I came to understand how my DH was puzzled as to how I couldn't function with a migraine or flu and such. He'd seen his mom do it his whole life. My DH wouldn't have commented on an open peach can left on the counter (doesn't affect him) but he would wonder where lunch or dinner was while I or one of the kids was in the throes of a fever. In the 20+ years we've been married, he has advanced to at least buying frozen food for himself and the kids and picking up soup for me. And since our kids are older they cook and take care of me. It's not like I'm chronically ill, but when it happens at least I don't have to be stressed by someone else's clueless or PA behavior.

Sounds like MIL didn't have true migraines or the real flu.  My DH knows what a real migraine can look like because he's seen me have hundreds. 

[Shalamar]

That reminds me a bit of my first husband.  One of his reasons for divorcing me after only four months of marriage was that I didn't keep everything spotless like his mother did.  Never mind that she was a full time housewife and I had a full time job OUTSIDE the home. 

Topic ... I have a coworker who's a very nice guy, but his PA tendencies drive me batty.  He has a habit of suddenly announcing something from his cubicle, obviously waiting for someone (usually me) to take up the conversational gauntlet, and gets ticked off if no one replies.   Um, we're trying to work, dude.

[Iris]

That reminds me a bit of my first husband.  One of his reasons for divorcing me after only four months of marriage was that I didn't keep everything spotless like his mother did.  Never mind that she was a full time housewife and I had a full time job OUTSIDE the home. 

Topic ... I have a coworker who's a very nice guy, but his PA tendencies drive me batty.  He has a habit of suddenly announcing something from his cubicle, obviously waiting for someone (usually me) to take up the conversational gauntlet, and gets ticked off if no one replies.   Um, we're trying to work, dude.

On the bolded: The words "Do you have a broken arm?" spring to mind...congratulations on losing THAT nightmare...

On the second: FIL does this. He will be reading a paper and just loudly pronounce "That's interesting" or start reading a section. The rest of us have slowly escalated how far we'll take it before someone (usually MIL) throws him the attention he is craving. Since he is behind his paper he can't see our evil grins.

[Allyson]

On the second: FIL does this. He will be reading a paper and just loudly pronounce "That's interesting" or start reading a section. The rest of us have slowly escalated how far we'll take it before someone (usually MIL) throws him the attention he is craving. Since he is behind his paper he can't see our evil grins.

This is one of my biggest irritations. I knew a guy who would constantly bring up a little-known fact, or a character from an obscure movie/book, specifically so you would ask him about it and he could then expound on his topic. I got into the habit of never ever asking.

[Shalamar]

You work with Cliff Clavin?   

[PastryGoddess]

On the second: FIL does this. He will be reading a paper and just loudly pronounce "That's interesting" or start reading a section. The rest of us have slowly escalated how far we'll take it before someone (usually MIL) throws him the attention he is craving. Since he is behind his paper he can't see our evil grins.

This is one of my biggest irritations. I knew a guy who would constantly bring up a little-known fact, or a character from an obscure movie/book, specifically so you would ask him about it and he could then expound on his topic. I got into the habit of never ever asking.

Have you tried "that's nice"  or does that just make it worse

[Yvaine]

On the second: FIL does this. He will be reading a paper and just loudly pronounce "That's interesting" or start reading a section. The rest of us have slowly escalated how far we'll take it before someone (usually MIL) throws him the attention he is craving. Since he is behind his paper he can't see our evil grins.

This is one of my biggest irritations. I knew a guy who would constantly bring up a little-known fact, or a character from an obscure movie/book, specifically so you would ask him about it and he could then expound on his topic. I got into the habit of never ever asking.

My ex did this too! He'd say half a thought, just enough to intrigue but also confuse, and then stop--just to get people to ask for more! And if you didn't, he'd just keep saying cryptic things till someone bit.

And with the paper or with internet articles, he'd just launch into reading them at random times, even if I was busy, and if I (for example) said "hey, can you email me the link? I'm trying to write a story," he'd pout! It was the performance he craved.