Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[CakeBeret]

A friend dealt with her martyr mother in law in a way that I don't believe is ehell approved, but worked after one time...

Martyr MIL would constantly insist that she would make the meal, she would host, she would buy, etc, then complain about how she was ALWAYS doing everything and it was SO HARD, etc.  So one day, Friend looks at her, gets a "thinking face" on, and says, hey, would you mind doing something for me?  MIL says what?  Friend says "Would you mind crawling down off your cross?  We need the wood."  Then she smiled.  Not one more complaint, and Friend got to host occasionally.

 

Not Ehell approved, but I think a good term would be "Evil Genius".

[snowflake]

A friend dealt with her martyr mother in law in a way that I don't believe is ehell approved, but worked after one time...

Martyr MIL would constantly insist that she would make the meal, she would host, she would buy, etc, then complain about how she was ALWAYS doing everything and it was SO HARD, etc.  So one day, Friend looks at her, gets a "thinking face" on, and says, hey, would you mind doing something for me?  MIL says what?  Friend says "Would you mind crawling down off your cross?  We need the wood."  Then she smiled.  Not one more complaint, and Friend got to host occasionally.

Not ehell approved, but depending on the relationship I don't think this is a bad thing.  My husband would make snarky comments like that early in our relationship when I went into "martyr" mode.  Maybe not ehell, but I appreciated the reminder said with some humor.  (And he said it with love, not in a mean, bitter way.) I really don't want to be an eternal martyr, but it's a hard, hard, hard habit to break.  He would make me laugh and then I'd step back and re-examine how I was approaching my problem.

[Shalamar]

What we'd *really* like to say (if such a thing could ever happen) would be this:

"It really galls you that he loved me enough to choose me to spend his life with, but that he tolerates you because cruel irony genetically linked him to you, doesn't it?"

Think strong thoughts for me on Christmas Eve when we visit my in-laws, because Evil Shalamar is reeeeeally going to want to say that to my mother-in-law.   

I always say that MIL would've been much happier if her son had chosen a meek miss who agreed with everything she says.  Instead, he chose me.    (Actually, I set my cap at him and the poor guy didn't stand a chance.)

[MindsEye]

Kind of like Sheila's story (which is what reminded me about him!) I used to have a boyfriend who would always pull the "I am not good enough for you, you can do better" routine all of the time... and I was of course supposed to fawn all over him and reassure him that oh no, I loved him and he was perfect.  Which I did.  For a while.  (Hey, I was in college and stupid.)

And then one day I just got fed up with the whole routine, and when he started in on his "I am not good enough..." lines, I said something like "You're right, you really aren't good enough and I probably can do a lot better" and dumped him on the spot.  It wasn't until after I dumped him that I realized just how creepy and controlling he was, and that I had really dodged a bullet.   

[nuit93]

Kind of like Sheila's story (which is what reminded me about him!) I used to have a boyfriend who would always pull the "I am not good enough for you, you can do better" routine all of the time... and I was of course supposed to fawn all over him and reassure him that oh no, I loved him and he was perfect.  Which I did.  For a while.  (Hey, I was in college and stupid.)

And then one day I just got fed up with the whole routine, and when he started in on his "I am not good enough..." lines, I said something like "You're right, you really aren't good enough and I probably can do a lot better" and dumped him on the spot.  It wasn't until after I dumped him that I realized just how creepy and controlling he was, and that I had really dodged a bullet.   

You had one of those too?

[ladyknight1]

Speaking of restaurants, I remember when my grandmother was alive - she'd always deliberately order the cheapest thing on the menu and then complain about it.   My parents (who were paying) would beg her to order what she wanted to eat as opposed to the cheapest thing, but noooo!

During our only family dinner out while on a group vacation, both my mother and youngest sister did this. They ordered something based on price point only, and then sulked the entire time about their food. I ordered something $1-2 more and was very happy with my food. YS does this when she is with us and away from my parents as well. One of the reasons she has been cut is her PA behavior.

[iridaceae]

Speaking of restaurants, I remember when my grandmother was alive - she'd always deliberately order the cheapest thing on the menu and then complain about it.   My parents (who were paying) would beg her to order what she wanted to eat as opposed to the cheapest thing, but noooo!

During our only family dinner out while on a group vacation, both my mother and youngest sister did this. They ordered something based on price point only, and then sulked the entire time about their food. I ordered something $1-2 more and was very happy with my food. YS does this when she is with us and away from my parents as well. One of the reasons she has been cut is her PA behavior.

With your youngest sister this might be more learned behavior than anything though. I've known people who had it [not literally] beat into them that when they went out to eat they were to order the cheapest thing as it was the polite thing to do. Learning that this wasn't so was a hard lesson because "what if they're just saying that to be polite?" 

[ladyknight1]

It's not exactly on the same level as most of the stories here, and it's more passive than aggressive, but lately my 8yo son has decided he can get around the "don't ask for stuff while we're at the store" rule by saying "I wish I could have _____/I wish we could get ________." Depending on my mood my response runs the gamut from no acknowledgement to "Well, we're not getting ________ today" to "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride" to "Stop asking for stuff by saying you wish you could have it. That's no different than just asking for it." None of it works. Not surprisingly, since he's incredibly stubborn and has also perfected the art of selective hearing. It's also why I do my best to go to the store when he's in school.

And this is why DS gets allowance. We had the same problems beginning at age 8 and now at 14, I am so glad I did that. He has to do a few more chores, is prohibited from whining about chores, bedtimes or homework, and has to donate 10% to charity and put 10% in his savings account. He has gotten much better at saving his money for big ticket items.

[MindsEye]

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

[snowflake]

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

I think everyone has one of those.  I'm still embarrassed that I had like ten of "those" in a row. 

The confusing thing is that they'd mix, "I'm not good enough for you" with, "Well where do you think you'll ever find someone else who loves me as much as I do?"  It took me a few times to realize that was a PA way of them debasing me and aggrandizing themselves.  That one sentence does it all: 1) They are so awesome that their love is special, unique and the regard of mere mortals will never come close and 2) I should be grateful for it because no one else would be so kind. 

It's funny how PA sentences can look humble and earnest and really be full of snot.

[LazyDaisy]

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

I think everyone has one of those.  I'm still embarrassed that I had like ten of "those" in a row. 

The confusing thing is that they'd mix, "I'm not good enough for you" with, "Well where do you think you'll ever find someone else who loves me as much as I do?"  It took me a few times to realize that was a PA way of them debasing me and aggrandizing themselves.  That one sentence does it all: 1) They are so awesome that their love is special, unique and the regard of mere mortals will never come close and 2) I should be grateful for it because no one else would be so kind. 

It's funny how PA sentences can look humble and earnest and really be full of snot.

hehehehe Freudian slip? If the PA boyfriend is saying the quote, wouldn't he say "...who loves you as much as I do?" or did he really indicate he loves himself?

[nuit93]

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

Mine would sometimes call me after I'd made plans to go out with some friends to see if I wanted to come over (we were both in college but were commuter students who lived at home) that night, when I told him I'd already made plans he'd go "oh, well, if that's what you'd rather do...". 

Um, yeah, since I made these plans a few days ago and you're just now getting around to inviting me over--yes, it's what I'd rather do.  Inviting him along with the friends wasn't an option since he never even tried to enjoy himself and later would say "well, I'm not used to being around younger people since most of my friends are older" (I was 20 and still hung out with a lot of the people I'd gone to community college with, so we were 18-20 and not old enough for the bar scene, he was 23 and most of his friends were his age or a bit older).

I get that there's some maturity differences between, say, 18 and 23, but his tone really bugged me.  It's also probably worth mentioning that the whole time we dated, I never met any of his friends that he talked about.  Apparently, whenever he got into a relationship, he would pretty much isolate himself and only spend time with his significant other or his immediate family (and expect that she would do the same). 

Yep, not happening.

[snowflake]

You had one of those too?

I think that at least half of my friends, male and female, have had one of "those" at some point in their dating lives...

I think everyone has one of those.  I'm still embarrassed that I had like ten of "those" in a row. 

The confusing thing is that they'd mix, "I'm not good enough for you" with, "Well where do you think you'll ever find someone else who loves me as much as I do?"  It took me a few times to realize that was a PA way of them debasing me and aggrandizing themselves.  That one sentence does it all: 1) They are so awesome that their love is special, unique and the regard of mere mortals will never come close and 2) I should be grateful for it because no one else would be so kind. 

It's funny how PA sentences can look humble and earnest and really be full of snot.

hehehehe Freudian slip? If the PA boyfriend is saying the quote, wouldn't he say "...who loves you as much as I do?" or did he really indicate he loves himself?

Yeah, oops.  I mean "Loves you as much as I do."  But yeah, I think that's what he meant.  LOL!

[SoCalVal]

On the 'I don't care' thing. When one person never chooses, even they honestly *don't* care, it can still be frustrating for the 'chooser'. I have had friendships like that, where the other person honestly never has a preference, or at least never expresses such. I still wish once in awhile I got to be the one who didn't have to choose! Even just me saying 'Do you want A or B' because I like both equally the other person could pick one or the other based on random chance if they want.

I had a situation like this with a friend once (and he is the champion of the universe when it comes to being PA -- not this particular situation though).  He never never NEVER wanted to be the one to offer which restaurant to go to so I would list one after another, and he would keep vetoing them.  I once told him to make a choice, and he said he didn't know but he didn't like any of the options I offered so far (so it was MY responsibility to figure it out???).  One day, I really didn't care (because he'd also once said that I was always choosing the restaurant) so I said he could choose.  He kept trying to pry restaurant options out of me, but I kept telling him that any restaurant he selected was fine with me -- he just needed to pick one.  Would you believe he got huffy-puffy-foot-stomping mad at me?  Told me I was being "uncooperative" (because I was letting him make the decision all on his own for a change).  I think we might've ended up going nowhere that night.

Another time (years later so he really hadn't grown up at all), I was at his place, and he kept going on and on about how he was hungry (but he was making zero moves toward fixing himself anything).  I said nothing because I knew he was hinting at me cooking for him (because, normally, I would've offered to make him something -- however, that night, I really really REALLY didn't feel like cooking).  He kept this up for several minutes then finally fixed something for himself, huffing and puffing the entire time.  I played dumb like I didn't know what he wanted because I would've told him the truth had he asked me, "No, I don't feel like cooking for you tonight."  How stubborn am I?  I was really hungry (it was long past dinner time and neither of us had had dinner).  I knew if I got up to fix myself a snack, I would've had to fix him something, too (we were very close so helping myself to something in his kitchen wouldn't have been crossing boundaries).  I wasn't willing to serve him because he wanted it in order to assuage my hunger.  Someone could say I was being PA, but I was never asked directly to make him something so I certainly wasn't going to respond (and he would've lied if I asked, "Are you trying to hint that you want me to cook for you?" then would've continued to huff and puff).  He ended up having to fix himself something, fuming the entire time (never offered me anything or asked me if I wanted anything).  That was fine (I fixed myself something an hour or so after he was done eating).  The next day, things were back to normal (I offered to cook if I felt like it, and I love to cook so, almost any other time, it's not a problem -- just that particular night I didn't feel like cooking and didn't feel like being treated as an indentured servant by being forced to cook against my will).  He did have this really bad habit of not only taking me for granted but demonstrating how he does this in front of other people so that might explain why I really didn't feel like catering to him that night.

[EMuir]

SoCalVal, I had a friend like that.  Except that she wouldn't say she didn't like the options, she'd say "Well that would be OK...." in a way that definitely implied it wasn't her first choice.  Then she would feel free to complain all through the meal or afterward that she wished we'd gone to XX place.  But of course she would never actually suggest that ahead of time.

Finally I just snapped one time and said "If you say going to this place is OK then it better really be OK or I'll never believe another word you say!" That jerked her out of her broken record routine and from then on we could actually decide on a restaurant. Maybe she didn't realize she was doing it too?