Author Topic: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27  (Read 129820 times)

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Deetee

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #255 on: December 14, 2012, 10:13:07 PM »
On the 'I don't care' thing. When one person never chooses, even they honestly *don't* care, it can still be frustrating for the 'chooser'. I have had friendships like that, where the other person honestly never has a preference, or at least never expresses such. I still wish once in awhile I got to be the one who didn't have to choose! Even just me saying 'Do you want A or B' because I like both equally the other person could pick one or the other based on random chance if they want. ;)

That irritates the heck out of me too. I end up feeling like I'm running the friendship.

Yup, it's like having a friendship with a puddle of quicksand. You throw out ideas, opinions suggestions and everything comes back as "I don't know" or "I don't care" or some variation. Eventually you feel like you a responsible for all the thought and effort and it's just not fun being friends with someone sho simply goes along with what you suggest every single time. It also makes the suggestee responsible for every event.

Now, I am not saying the OP is like this based on one unpleasant thing said by her friend. I'm really just talking about the general characteristic.


SoCalVal

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #256 on: December 15, 2012, 01:56:07 AM »
SoCalVal, I had a friend like that.  Except that she wouldn't say she didn't like the options, she'd say "Well that would be OK...." in a way that definitely implied it wasn't her first choice.  Then she would feel free to complain all through the meal or afterward that she wished we'd gone to XX place.  But of course she would never actually suggest that ahead of time.

Finally I just snapped one time and said "If you say going to this place is OK then it better really be OK or I'll never believe another word you say!" That jerked her out of her broken record routine and from then on we could actually decide on a restaurant. Maybe she didn't realize she was doing it too?

Nah, in his case, he just didn't want to make a decision (because I'm pretty sure I said something about ME always choosing so I was going to let him decide for a change).

There was something he did once that wasn't quite PA, but I think *I* might've reacted in a PA fashion in order to get my point across to him.  I used to always pick up the bill on his groceries when we were in the supermarket (don't ask why; it's a long story but I always figured that if I got in line behind him, he would reciprocate, I just never had been in line behind him at that point).  One day, I was in line behind him (and this was hundreds of dollars later) and had a ONE DOLLAR ITEM.  He put the divider down behind his stuff, and I was aghast.  I really couldn't believe that after all the times I paid for his stuff, he would begrudge me one freakin' dollar.  Yup, he sure did.  I asked him (after he put the divider down), "You're not going to pay for my udon noodles?"  He said, "Nope."  I might've even mentioned me always paying for HIS stuff, and he responded with "Well, I only feel like paying for my stuff."  Anyway, I thought, "Okay, we'll see about that next time."  So, the next time we were in the market, I got in line ahead of him and, for the first time ever with us, put the divider between my stuff and his.  He then asked, "Aren't you going to pay for my stuff?"  I then said, "The last time in the store, you wouldn't even pay for a one dollar packet of udon noodles so why should I pay for your stuff? and proceeded to only pay for my stuff."  He never did that to me again.  Guess it didn't feel very good to have the shoe on the other foot.



bloo

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #257 on: December 15, 2012, 09:59:20 AM »
On the 'I don't care' thing. When one person never chooses, even they honestly *don't* care, it can still be frustrating for the 'chooser'. I have had friendships like that, where the other person honestly never has a preference, or at least never expresses such. I still wish once in awhile I got to be the one who didn't have to choose! Even just me saying 'Do you want A or B' because I like both equally the other person could pick one or the other based on random chance if they want. ;)

I am the "I don't care" person. And when I say it, I really mean it. I some instances I might say, "I don't care but please no McDonalds today (or Cracker Barrell, Shoney's or Bob Evans - which I don't care for)."

I really am open to other people's suggestions and if it's a place I've never been then I always ask for a recommendation of a dish.

This thread reminds me of when a bunch of us went to Cracker Barrell and I complained about the choice which was met with "You hate Cracker Barrell?!" Gasp. I confirmed that I didn't care for it but everyone else looked so dissappointed that I said, "If everyone wants to go, we can go. Help me find something on the menu I might like since I haven't yet." All my friends REALLY love Cracker Barrell because they got really excited. I settled on one of their dinner salads, which are - in fact - good. And the couple more times I've been dragged there since then I always order from that selection and keep my lip buttoned about my dislike for the restaurant. My kids fell in love with the restaurant since they were with me and I am pleased that they enjoy themselves which makes it worth the experience for me.

Sidenote: I LOVE their little shop, though. Always fun to browse.

But the above quote is helpful to me to be more mindful of trying to take the lead once in a while in picking an option. Thanks.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2012, 10:01:01 AM by bloo »

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #258 on: December 15, 2012, 10:41:12 AM »
In my case, I am the one picking the dinner menu all the time (since I'm the cook).  Sometimes, I like to be surprised.  :)
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Thipu1

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #259 on: December 15, 2012, 10:46:22 AM »
I must admit that I do the 'I don't care' bit more than I should. 

If I feel strongly about something I want or don't want, I'll speak up.  Otherwise, I let Mr. Thipu decide.  He's much more particular about his food than I am.  If he wants German or sushi for lunch, that's what it will be. 

Yvaine

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #260 on: December 15, 2012, 10:51:51 AM »
With my ex, I finally started asking for a list of things he didn't want, because he'd always do the "Whatever, anything is fine" thing and then sulk through the meal because I'd magically picked the one thing he secretly didn't want.

RegionMom

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #261 on: December 15, 2012, 01:31:17 PM »
My DH and his college roommate came up with a rule years ago-
If the first suggestion for a restaurant is rejected, then the rejector must come up with another suggestion.  Game continues until agreement is reached.

DH and I now do the same  with our kids, with "The Golden Rule" invoked if necessary-
He who owns the gold (money) makes the rules (and thus ultimately chooses)
Fear is temporary...Regret is forever.

BB-VA

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #262 on: December 15, 2012, 01:38:05 PM »
I have to admit I am one of those "I don't care" people myself.   What I am in the mood for can change by location. 

That said, if I ever DO open a restaurant (which I won't because I would end up meeting with Robert Irvine or yelled at by Gordon Ramsay), it will be called "I Don't Care".  Business should be AWESOME!!

At least it might settle a few arguments...
"The Universe puts us in places where we can learn. They are never easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are, it's the right place and the right time. Pain that sometimes comes is part of the process of constantly being born."
- Delenn to Sheridan: "Babylon 5 - Distant Star"

Sophia

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #263 on: December 15, 2012, 02:20:24 PM »
I have to admit I am one of those "I don't care" people myself.   What I am in the mood for can change by location...

I am the same way.  My friends know that I can't find anything to eat in a Thai restaurant, and I'm not that thrilled about Vietnamese.  But, otherwise I happily and genuinely agree to just about anywhere.  If I do reject one (rarely), I will then come up with 2 or 3 suggestions.  Or, if my friend is getting annoyed with me.

Yvaine

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #264 on: December 15, 2012, 04:17:27 PM »
I'll admit, I can become an "I don't care" person if dinner gets postponed long enough that I'm ravenous and reach the point where I just want some fuel to put into my body, darnit! And then people don't believe me when I say that everything genuinely sounds good, though I know why.

Deetee

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #265 on: December 15, 2012, 04:25:37 PM »
There is a huge difference between "That sounds goods. Italian, Chinese, or Thai. Anything sounds fantastic" and "I don't care".

My reply when I don't care is "Food, preferably cooked or at least moving slowly"

JennJenn68

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #266 on: December 15, 2012, 07:23:15 PM »
I'm not sure if this qualifies as PA or simply "what the heck?"???

My mother-in-law is famous for her constantly changing food fetishes.  Doughnuts one day; carbs are evil the day after that; "must have pasta" the next time; "I can't eat soy"; "Oh, I ONLY eat soy..."  The list goes on and on.  We've gotten used to just rolling with it because generally she gives us a reason that makes some kind of sense at the time, and she gives us some warning.  I hold my breath when I invite her for dinner but there is generally something that she can eat.

And then last Sunday, I invited the whole family over for dinner--nine people in total.  We were putting up Christmas decorations and generally indulging in family fellowship.  I said, when I invited everyone, "I'm going to order in pizza for dinner.  Is everyone okay with that?"  Everyone was, including MIL.  In fact, she made a point of saying that she would enjoy it.  (This was a week previously.)  The time came last week when it was time to order dinner, because the kids were getting hungry.  And THAT'S when MIL piped up, "Oh, by the way, I've decided to go gluten-free and lactose-free for a couple of weeks.  I just felt like it.  No, I'm not allergic.  That won't be a problem, will it?"

Yeah.  On pizza.  You know, the stuff that is made with a gluten-based crust and with cheese pretty much standard.  Oh, yeah, that'll work.  And the place in question that I order from does in fact have a gluten-free crust available, but it tastes like cardboard.  (I tried it one time, out of curiosity.  Yuck.)  I said (and I hope that my gritted teeth didn't show), "Actually, yeah, that's kind of problematic.  It's pizza.  By definition, it includes gluten and lactose products.  What would you like me to do about it?  Shall I order one with a gluten-free crust?  I warn you, it's not something I regard as a taste explosion..."  And her answer?  "Oh, don't worry about me.  I'll just sit here and watch the rest of you eat.  I'm sure I'll be all right.  Even though I'm kind of hungry right now..."

I don't react well to PA behaviour--as the thread title implies, I give the PA person what he/she "wants".  I ordered everything the way she said.  (I did offer the gluten-free option again.  She declined, in the same PA pathetic way.)  And she sat there and watched us eat, making little digs about how she hoped we were enjoying the pizza, and oh, by the way, would I be angry if she helped herself to a clementine orange?  Of course not, I answered.  "I just wanted to make sure," she responds in a way that makes it clear that I am some sort of monster who would probably begrudge her a single orange.  Ye gods.

Who does this?  Who accepts an invitation a week before to a specific-food dinner and then insists that she cannot possibly eat the food in question--but doesn't bother to let the hostess know until it's time to order?  Argh!!!  And apart from these bizarre food quirks, she's an absolute gem of a mother-in-law.  I wouldn't trade her for the world... even when she pulls this nonsense! 

I'll quit ranting now.

Emmy

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #267 on: December 15, 2012, 07:36:22 PM »
There is a huge difference between "That sounds goods. Italian, Chinese, or Thai. Anything sounds fantastic" and "I don't care".

My reply when I don't care is "Food, preferably cooked or at least moving slowly"

I agree.  "I don't care" seems to have a negative connotation and would be grating to me if it was the answer to every.single.question about preference.  Something like "Anything sounds good to me tonight" just sounds a lot more positive.

Bethalize

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #268 on: December 16, 2012, 08:38:47 AM »
People who say "I don't care" don't care up until the point you choose something which is too expensive/limited/spicy for them. THEN they care  ::)

I prefer it when people say "I don't mind".

Pen^2

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #269 on: December 16, 2012, 09:02:46 AM »
I respond to, "I don't care," with, "well, since you're so uninterested, we won't worry about it. Moving on..." and just don't give them any of what they were asked to choose from. They usually quite quickly say which they prefer after that.

I was taught at school that refusing to make a decision makes things harder for your host, and throws their attempted kindness back in their face. If you really don't mind and all things being equal, it's best to just choose something anyway. I've always liked this advice.

My favourite PA people are those who moan, "oh, I'm getting so overweight, look how fat I am..." to which I also always agree enthusiastically. "Oh yes, why, I never noticed it until you pointed it out. Good gosh, look at your chins! I was sure there were only two last week!", with varying degrees of sincerity. Works well for grey hair and wrinkles, too. If I'm going to compliment you, I'll compliment you. Don't demand I do it (thus invalidating any compliment as not genuine anyway), and don't be all "woe is me" about it, or I'm just going to agree.