Author Topic: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27  (Read 122797 times)

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gramma dishes

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #525 on: January 15, 2014, 10:33:09 AM »

...  We broke up less than two months later.

Is that a typo?  If it had been me, we'd have broken up about two minutes later!!   :)

Shalamar

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #526 on: January 15, 2014, 11:19:38 AM »
My dad has done PA behavior in attempts to get out of going to social events.  He hates parties, and every time my mum had a work party to go to (for Christmas, say), he'd try to pick a fight as they were getting ready.  Mum wouldn't have any of it, they'd go to the party - and he'd have a wonderful time.  Hoo boy.   ::)

Mental Magpie

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #527 on: January 17, 2014, 07:38:23 AM »
I spent two years with a guy who was the king of obstructionist PA behavior.  He would - sometimes reluctantly - agree to do something, then deliberately make it difficult to get it done.  His hope was that I would eventually tell him to forget it.  Before I caught on to what he was doing, I usually would.  However, once I started figuring it out, I stopped letting him off the hook.

The best example I have is when my BFF "Ashley" got married.  Ashley and I had drifted apart for a few years at this point, but had very recently reconnected.  (nothing bad happened, just normal ebbs and flows of life.)  She had invited both of us to her wedding.  Prior to this, I had spent a good chunk of my summer rearranging my weekend work schedule so I could go with PA Boyfriend to his friends' weddings.  I think there were three of them that summer.  So, when I told him we had been invited to Ashley's wedding, he heaved a huge sigh, but agreed to go.

The wedding was at 11 on a Saturday morning.  He generally got up at 9 during the week, so he was not going to have to get up any earlier than normal.  Still, I arrived at his house with coffee (made the very particular way he liked it) and his favorite type of muffin at 10:15 that morning.  He was lying in bed, fully clothed, but sound asleep.  When I walked into his room, he woke up, and started to very slowly get up and start moving.  He kept glancing over at me to see how I was reacting - I'm sure in hopes that I would tell him to forget it.  Instead, I told him that we needed to leave in 15 minutes and that his coffee and food were downstairs.

He did go and we got to the wedidng on time, but he made sure everyone - including the bride and groom - knew he did NOT want to be there.

Had he said no from the beginning when I asked him to go, I'm not going to lie, there would have been a fight.  He knew that.  In the past, though, when he dragged his feet and found all these things he HAD to do before we could leave, I would always cave and tell him he - or we - didn't have to go.  And I was done with that.

He realized I was going to take what he said at face value - if he said he was going to do something, I expected him to do it.  I realized that me asking him to do things and then holding him to it meant he was going to make sure everyone was miserable.

We broke up less than two months later.

This is my ex, surely; my friends now call him The Fun Sucker.
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GregariousIntrovert

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #528 on: January 21, 2014, 04:50:55 PM »
Ex husband was champion of PA behavior!  Here is just a snippet of the joys of daily life with him -

- At random times he would simply ask "why do you hate me?", or declare that I would be happy when he dead.

- He'd ask if I wanted to go somewhere, and I say "sure, let me change clothes/grab my purse/etc" only to come back to find that he was pulling out of the driveway.  Of course I fell for the cat and mouse game every time and chased him down.  "You weren't ready when I was so I figured that meant you didn't want to go"

-He regularly told me that the average woman was a size 6 and did I know that underweight woman had healthier babies?  Followed with "not that it matters because you don't love me enough to have my kids anyway." 

-I'd ask him to at least get his dishes to the counter for me to load into the dishwasher - "FINE! Never cook for me again!"  and also the classic I'LL TAKE ALL MY LAUNDRY TO THE DRY CLEANERS! because i asked if he could get his clothes into the hamper.  This happened at least several times a year.  Funny how I still had to keep cooking and cleaning!

-However, sometimes I'd make something and he'd look at it and go "oh, that doesn't look good, I'm going out" and he would. Or he'd ask for something specific and then call from work to say he decided to go the baseball game with a coworker - after it was already in the oven. Or, I didn't happen to have breakfast ready by the time he came down from getting ready for work which of course could only mean one thing - I GUESS YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!  That was also the classic line if I didn't have his work clothes picked out for him by the time he thought it should be done.

-He'd occasionally ask "aren't those pants kind of slutty for work?"  When I'd get into the office I'd ask someone and they'd laugh at me until they realized I was asking a serious question. 

-I planned and replanned our wedding three times because he would all of a sudden decide the date wouldn't work.

-We'd be out for what appeared to be a decent evening with people and then we'd get in the car and he'd turn to me and say "I can't believe you would embarrass me like that!" and proceed to tear me a new one.   Of course he'd never fess up to what I had actually done.  I suppose I should have been grateful to be out at all though because every single time we went out he'd pull the "you don't really have to go. you don't even want to go right?"  a few times we even set out and he turned around to take me back home because he decided i didn't really want to go did I?  commence begging from me!

-The issue of having kids was when I finally saw my chance to get out though.  Crazily enough I didn't like his genius plan to have me be his wife, and he'd find another woman to have kids with.  When I didn't go for that, he declared, well maybe we should get separated then.  And I said - you know what? maybe we should!  CHECKMATE!  It was a long and crazy ordeal full of other PA behaviors (i'm going to kill myself, yada yada, the whole nine yards), but I did eventually get away!

These seem so funny now because they are just so utterly ridiculous, it almost embarrasses me to think that I thought this was normal.  And this is just the PA stuff, the downright regular aggressive stuff is crazy too.  The story does have a happy ending though - I met an absolute doll of a man who I have been married to for three years now and we have a wonderful, happy and healthy marriage.  I don't take it for granted for a second!


Mel the Redcap

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #529 on: January 21, 2014, 06:15:20 PM »
...GregariousIntrovert, that's not just PA, that's freakin' Darth Vader behaviour! :o Glad you're out of that mess!
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Iris

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #530 on: January 21, 2014, 06:21:06 PM »
Pod to Mel! Congrats on escaping that lunatic.

Although EvilIris is secretly having a little snorty giggle at a grown man getting in a snit because his wife hadn't *picked out his clothes for him*.
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nuit93

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #531 on: January 21, 2014, 06:48:24 PM »
Err...I think that goes beyond PA behavior to downright abusive!

Julian

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #532 on: January 21, 2014, 06:54:12 PM »
Pod to Mel! Congrats on escaping that lunatic.

Although EvilIris is secretly having a little snorty giggle at a grown man getting in a snit because his wife hadn't *picked out his clothes for him*.

Yeah, that was the bit that stuck out to me too.  Seriously?? 

I'd have run at the three wedding dates...

Ceallach

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #533 on: January 21, 2014, 08:22:33 PM »
My mother is a lovely person, would do anything for her kids and friends, if anything she's actually a bit of a doormat she's so self-sacrificing - but BOY is she PA.    We have always called her on it, and to be far she has improved over the years, when she realised we would hold her to face value of what she said.

My favourite example is from when I was 16 years old, I'm pretty sure I've told this story on eHell somewhere before.   My parents had been legally separated for 8 years, but only recently divorced.  My Dad had a girlfriend "Susan" he'd been with for 2 years, they'd just moved in together.   

Once day I was driving in the car with my mother and siblings, and the topic of weddings came up for some reason.   Sadly, I can't recall the exact wording, but my mother basically said that if I got married and "Susan" was coming, she wouldn't attend and would just go to the church separately to pray.  She said this in the most PA way you can imagine, with a bit of a sniff.   What she wanted me to say was "Of course we wouldn't pick Susan over you!" or beg her to come.   Instead my very calm response was "You're not going to come to your own daughter's wedding?  That's really sad."   She backtracked quite quickly and we moved on, never to discuss the topic again.   I got married when I was 22, and both Susan and my mother did attend my wedding!   ;D
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GregariousIntrovert

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #534 on: January 21, 2014, 08:53:45 PM »
Quote
Although EvilIris is secretly having a little snorty giggle at a grown man getting in a snit because his wife hadn't *picked out his clothes for him*.

::small voice:: he made me tie his shoes too.  not all the time, but....yeah. 

Mel the Redcap

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #535 on: January 21, 2014, 09:01:41 PM »
Quote
Although EvilIris is secretly having a little snorty giggle at a grown man getting in a snit because his wife hadn't *picked out his clothes for him*.

::small voice:: he made me tie his shoes too.  not all the time, but....yeah.

...wowza. Well, at least you can mentally point and laugh now!

Seriously, if somebody behaves to you like that, it usually means they have you so ground down and gaslighted that it takes immense strength of will to get yourself up and out of the situation. Kudos to you for growing your spine under severely adverse conditions and getting clear of that piece of posterior haberdashery!
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shhh its me

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #536 on: January 21, 2014, 10:13:22 PM »
When my kids say "But I didn't make that mess!" It irritates me. As a sahm/housewife, it's a regular part of my day to clean up messes that other people make.  If I only cleaned up messes I made, our house would be a pigsty.   So when I ask my older two boys to pitch in and help me to clean up a common room of the house such as the room their computer is in, or the living room and they say "But I didn't make that mess, why should I have to clean it up?", they don't get sent to their room, they get more work to do. 

They have chores anyway that involve cleaning up messes others make, such as doing dishes and scooping litter boxes.  The youngest doesn't have chores yet, being almost 16 months, but when prompted he will pick up his toys and put them in a container.

I'm sort of in the opposite camp here, but then again I don't have kids.  For the bolded, which is true, if everyone took care of their own messes, there wouldn't be much of a mess.  You made some valid points, though.  I might have to try to rearrange my way of thinking here.

I don't really mind cleaning up as well being a SAHM and being home more during the day than anyone else, I do have more time to get things done, but I don't appreciate when the others make my job even more difficult by not doing a reasonable amount of cleaning up after themselves.  I mean I don't mind vacuuming and doing laundry, mopping and such.  But when they leave things strewn on the floor that I need to vacuum, stuff gets picked up (sometimes hidden if I'm really irritated) I get a bit of an attitude when I hear "But it's not mine, why do I have to clean it up?" or "I didn't dirty that dish, why do I have to pick it up?"

They are told "Because you are a part of the family and it all goes towards the upkeep of a home so you may as well learn now and I look at it as doing your future mate a favor by teaching you to not be a slob."

I'll add most of cleaning a house is communal cleaning, its not possible to just remove your dust from a living room once a week.  Vacuuming , scrubbing the floors & bathroom , washing the windows,  dusting , lawn-care and for most families cooking & clean up , grocery shopping , laundry.  Once you consider age appropriateness and time management it doesn't normal workout that each person (in a 4 person household ) to do 1/4 of the work.  After  shopping ,cooking dinner  , cleaning the pots and pans, cleaning the bathroom debating who left the plate in the living room and who has the most cloths in the dryer that needs to emptied  not something I'd have much patience for. 
 

Slartibartfast

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #537 on: January 21, 2014, 10:20:13 PM »
GregariousIntrovert, I'm definitely glad you got out of that situation!  He sounds like a narcissist, and it's kind of creepy how easily that kind of behavior can start to seem normal after long enough.

(If anyone is interested, there's an excellent novel out there called Blue-Eyed Devil by Lisa Kleypas in which the main character's initial husband (she meets a much better guy, later on  ;)) is a narcissist and has eerily similar behaviors to what you described, down to the gaslighting and the changing his mind on dinners and the fights after perfectly good times out with other couples.  I'd say it straddles the line between "romance" and "women's fiction" and even though I don't normally read contemporary, or books set in Texas, it's probably one of my favorite books ever and I re-read it at least once a year  ;D  I highly recommend it to anyone who wants a really moving (both good and painful, but the good kind of painful) read.)

Iris

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #538 on: January 21, 2014, 10:35:54 PM »
Quote
Although EvilIris is secretly having a little snorty giggle at a grown man getting in a snit because his wife hadn't *picked out his clothes for him*.

::small voice:: he made me tie his shoes too.  not all the time, but....yeah.

I literally  gasped and said "Noooooooo" out loud when I read that.

Pod to Mel again. In all seriousness I am so impressed that after years of this carp you managed to throw off the conditioning and get out. I've seen a good friend go through something similar and I saw how very difficult it was for her to realise that she deserved better.  I'm so grateful that I have never experienced that but am always aware that "there but for the grace of God..."

However EvilI ris reserves the right to internally mock an able bodied human who acts like a preschooler.
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Kimblee

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27
« Reply #539 on: January 21, 2014, 10:47:09 PM »
...GregariousIntrovert, that's not just PA, that's freakin' Darth Vader behaviour! :o Glad you're out of that mess!

left me open mouthed.  that's abuse and thank diety/force of your choice you got out!