Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[Iris]

We've used this technique on MIL the last few years, although she's not as extreme as your examples (thank Goodness). A few examples;

My MIL used to sigh and say how she couldn't do such-and-such because she's 'old' (Note: she was in her early 50s at the time). She stopped straight away when DH turned around one day and said "Yes, that's true, you are".

She tried to guilt us into driving to THEIR house Christmas day because they just didn't feel able to drive because "the roads are so dangerous on Christmas day". "You're right!" we said. "We'd all better stay home and not risk it then". The next Christmas she decided that the roads aren't that dangerous after all...

She used to get her own way by saying "I thought we'd do [not what suited us at all] because I was thinking about you and thought it would be better for you, since [insert mad logic here]". We used to feel too guilty to correct her because she was thinking of us, right? We didn't want to let her down when she'd been *so thoughtful*. Took us a few years to cotton onto that little trick, and then we started saying "Oh, you're so sweet to think of us. What we really need is ...". She doesn't use that trick anymore...

Ack!  For years, my mom's relatives told her that it was "too far" to drive to her home and visit her, insisting that she should come visit them instead.  (you know, because the roads to drive to their houses were much shorter.) Mom did it for a really long time, until she finally said, 'You're right, it is too far to drive for me as well. That's too bad.  Some other time."

It didn't make those relatives want to visit her more, but it kept mom from making all of those long trips to see people who didn't care enough to travel to her.

What got me was that they wanted us to drive to them on those "too dangerous" roads with their grandchild  . I begged DH to let EvilIris do a risk analysis for them "Well, in your car you statistically have 47 years of combined life-years remaining, whereas our car contains 185 combined years of life expectancy, so risk-wise it would be better if you guys braved the dangerous roads."    Of course we couldn't say that but we had a LOT of fun coming up with it and refining it...

[Jules1980]

My great grandmother was great at the guilt trip thing.  Always with her health.  Every doctor's visit was a dire thing.  Time for her yearly mammogram? She'd call all her granddaughters and tell them she probably had breast cancer.  Time for her yearly physical? She lost ten pounds without trying that year, so she must have diabetes.  Etc, etc.  Then they would fall all over themselves trying to cheer her up and get her to take better care of herself and the whole thing would start over again the next year.  I watched her play this game with them my whole life.  Then when she finally had a legimate health problem, they gave her so much 'help' and attention that they actually hendered her healing process.

Once, she was in the hospital for routine test dealing with her illness and it was meal time.  My mom told me to get her to eat as 'she hadn't eaten a bite all day'.  So okay, I opened her tray and set everything up, then when I took it over to her she told me, "Oh, honey, thank you but I'm so nauseous I couldn't eat a bite if I wanted to."

I shrugged, said okay and put the tray on the bedside table and sat down on the foot of the bed.  Cue all her granddaughters (my mom and aunts) looking at me as if I had horns and jumping up to try to coax her to eat a bit.  I said she would be fine to skip a meal or even a day of meals since she had an IV going and if all else failed the nurses would give her a supplement drink before she went NPO or something.  Finally mom and aunts sat down.  After a few minutes of no one paying attention to the fact taht she was not eating she asked, "Say, Jules, what did they bring me for supper?"

I told her what it was adding that desert at that hospital was very good, then went back to watching the tv.  A few more minutes and she asked me to bring her tray back over and she'd try a 'few bites'.  By now, my mom and aunts were watching this with amusement.  Great grandmother ate the whole meal and sent me down to the cafeteria for another sweet.  After that, any complains of illness was met with the same attitude and we never had problems getting her to eat or take her meds or whatever.

[BarensMom]

There are a few people in my family who will use the "I'm never speaking to you again" phrase to end an argument.  With them, every disagreement is WWIII.  Finally being tired of this, when one of them made that statement, I merely said, "okay by me."  Haven't heard much of them since. 

[AylaM]

^^^  Ah!  Well, in that case weren't you ever tempted (as a child of course, before Ehell affiliation) to respond to her like this?

Grandma:  *sigh*  "Now is the time for me to die."
You:  "Okay."

 

Terribly, terribly tempted. I used to say it in my head. It made me feel much better. It never did pass my lips.

Actually as I child, I probably would have said it.  Only I wouldn't have stopped there. 

Being the ever helpful little girl that I was, or at least tried to be, I'd have probably followed it up with "Can I help you?"   

I didn't do this, but during one of my own Gramma's talks about being ready for death my sister asked Gramma if she could have Gramma's giant stuffed toy giraffe when she died.

Is it rude to want to try that? 

My grandma is obsessed with death and the apocalypse.    It is usually something like "I hope the lord comes tomorrow" combined with "if you don't start going to church you're going to be left behind!"

Upside is it isn't just me.  My Christian family members get it too.  I hope I never have to tell grandma that I've been studying Judaism with the intent of converting.  She threw a fit when my cousin converted to Catholicism.  And that is still a branch of Christianity.  Well some people believe it isn't.  But it is closer than Judaism anyways.

I'm thinking laying claim to her stuff might, at the very least, amuse me enough to make it less annoying.  "Ok grandma, can have your insert_item_here when I get left behind?"

[PeterM]

^^^  Ah!  Well, in that case weren't you ever tempted (as a child of course, before Ehell affiliation) to respond to her like this?

Grandma:  *sigh*  "Now is the time for me to die."
You:  "Okay."

 

For extra points you can ask if she has a preferred method of exit from this life of tears and woe.

"Should I smother you with a pillow, or do you have a blunt object nearby, or what? C'mon, you gotta meet me halfway, here. I'm doin' you a favor, but I don't got all day."

[Auntie Mame]

My mom loves nothing more than to nail herself to a cross.  One of her favorite poor me loops is o go on and on about how much I hate her, what a bad mother she is, how "terrible" my childhood was (it wasn't, childhood was fun).  I used to fall for it and give her the attention and argument she wanted (which was 15 minutes of me convincing her it wasn't true).  Now i just agree with her, no matter what she says.  Everything is met with a cheerful "okay Mom"

"I know you hate me"  "Okay Mom"
"I'm such a horrible mother"  "Okay Mom"

Shuts her right down.   

[Bijou]

I like the responses people are giving to the PA statements.  It really does take the wind out of their sails. 

I don't think this is PA, but I thought it was funny.
Someone:  "I have dibs on your oak bed when you die!"
Me:  "Sorry.  It's already been claimed by someone else."

[Lady Snowdon]

My mom loves nothing more than to nail herself to a cross.  One of her favorite poor me loops is o go on and on about how much I hate her, what a bad mother she is, how "terrible" my childhood was (it wasn't, childhood was fun).  I used to fall for it and give her the attention and argument she wanted (which was 15 minutes of me convincing her it wasn't true).  Now i just agree with her, no matter what she says.  Everything is met with a cheerful "okay Mom"

"I know you hate me"  "Okay Mom"
"I'm such a horrible mother"  "Okay Mom"

Shuts her right down.   

My mom tried something like this once.  I was on the phone with her, and she just started castigating herself for what a horrible parent she was, she never spent enough time with me, she was sure she'd done a thousand terrible things that I hated her for, etc.  I snorted and said, "Yes Mom, I've needed years of therapy to deal with the fact that I was yelled at once when I was two".  She said, "Oh", and shut up.  It was great!  Every time that she's tried the "I was a horrible mother" act since, I've just agreed with her that yes, I'm sure it was terrible, I'm horribly scarred for life, etc.  She usually stops after just a couple minutes.  It's strange that she's usually not PA about anything else, just this one area. 

[Bijou]

When my sisters and I acted up as kids, my mother would threaten to go sleep on the roof..."I'm going to go sleep on the roof!"  We would all whine and beg her not to sleep on the roof...'wahhh...mama, no, mama!", hanging onto her shirt tail.  Then one day I said, "Go ahead".

[Tiamet]

I work with someone who is seriously PA - she volunteers for various tasks and then sulks for days and complains behind your back about having to do the job.

I've started doing the same as PPs - saying 'oh, OK, then' when she volunteers and leaving her to get on with it.  She is going to be difficult anyway, so I might as well save myself some hassle.

[doodlemor]

When my sisters and I acted up as kids, my mother would threaten to go sleep on the roof..."I'm going to go sleep on the roof!"  We would all whine and beg her not to sleep on the roof...'wahhh...mama, no, mama!", hanging onto her shirt tail.  Then one day I said, "Go ahead".

When I was a preschooler my mother had to drag both my brother and I shopping.  When we would get antsy she would tell us that if we didn't settle down she would "scream, and everybody would look to see what children made the woman scream."

At some point my child self realized that everyone would think that she was utterly crazy if she screamed, and not pay any attention to us.  The next time we were out and she made her dubious threat I said, "OK, go ahead and scream, Lady."

My mother was very, very angry at me for that statement.  I don't remember exactly what happened to me, but I don't think that I was quite so sassy again until I was a teenager.  As for my mother, she never made the silly screaming threat again.

[Emmy]

My mom loves nothing more than to nail herself to a cross.  One of her favorite poor me loops is o go on and on about how much I hate her, what a bad mother she is, how "terrible" my childhood was (it wasn't, childhood was fun).  I used to fall for it and give her the attention and argument she wanted (which was 15 minutes of me convincing her it wasn't true).  Now i just agree with her, no matter what she says.  Everything is met with a cheerful "okay Mom"

"I know you hate me"  "Okay Mom"
"I'm such a horrible mother"  "Okay Mom"

Shuts her right down.   

My mom tried something like this once.  I was on the phone with her, and she just started castigating herself for what a horrible parent she was, she never spent enough time with me, she was sure she'd done a thousand terrible things that I hated her for, etc.  I snorted and said, "Yes Mom, I've needed years of therapy to deal with the fact that I was yelled at once when I was two".  She said, "Oh", and shut up.  It was great!  Every time that she's tried the "I was a horrible mother" act since, I've just agreed with her that yes, I'm sure it was terrible, I'm horribly scarred for life, etc.  She usually stops after just a couple minutes.  It's strange that she's usually not PA about anything else, just this one area.

Evil Emmy would let her know she could make it up to me by buying me a new car/Hawaiian vacation/paying to remodel the home. 

[Kimblee]

My mom loves nothing more than to nail herself to a cross.  One of her favorite poor me loops is o go on and on about how much I hate her, what a bad mother she is, how "terrible" my childhood was (it wasn't, childhood was fun).  I used to fall for it and give her the attention and argument she wanted (which was 15 minutes of me convincing her it wasn't true).  Now i just agree with her, no matter what she says.  Everything is met with a cheerful "okay Mom"

"I know you hate me"  "Okay Mom"
"I'm such a horrible mother"  "Okay Mom"

Shuts her right down.   

My mom tried something like this once.  I was on the phone with her, and she just started castigating herself for what a horrible parent she was, she never spent enough time with me, she was sure she'd done a thousand terrible things that I hated her for, etc.  I snorted and said, "Yes Mom, I've needed years of therapy to deal with the fact that I was yelled at once when I was two".  She said, "Oh", and shut up.  It was great!  Every time that she's tried the "I was a horrible mother" act since, I've just agreed with her that yes, I'm sure it was terrible, I'm horribly scarred for life, etc.  She usually stops after just a couple minutes.  It's strange that she's usually not PA about anything else, just this one area.

My dad does that too. (He CAN be pretty PA actually. But he's also seriously messed up in the head from horrific child abuse, so I give him a lot of slack.) In his case I thinkk its guilt over a few things that happened when I was very young (Nothing that was ACTUALLY his fault. It was completely someone else's fault. I'd give more detail but it was kinda awful. But again, not Dad's fault, he just blames himself.)

I usually give him the attention he's seeking actually. Yeah its annoying but in this case (and only this case, all of his other PA stuff gets the "uh-huh, ok" treatment) I figure it doesn't hurt me to reward him and it seems to comfort him a little.

[BabyMama]

My mother was always pretty PA, but since she and my dad separated three years ago, she has gone pro. Her favorite thing is to insert herself into an awkward situation (ie calling to invite us to do stuff when she knows we're doing something with my dad--and she gets a lot more visit time than he does--and then sadly saying, "No, it's okay" in a really obvious "it's not okay but I want to be a martyr" voice. I've just started saying, "Oh, good! Okay, talk to you later!" since I know she'll never confront me about it and instead will wait an extra day before she calls me (acting like nothing happened.) Her PA-ness is really working against her; I wish she could realize it. 

[Spring Water on Sundays]

^^^  Ah!  Well, in that case weren't you ever tempted (as a child of course, before Ehell affiliation) to respond to her like this?

Grandma:  *sigh*  "Now is the time for me to die."
You:  "Okay."

 

Terribly, terribly tempted. I used to say it in my head. It made me feel much better. It never did pass my lips.

Actually as I child, I probably would have said it.  Only I wouldn't have stopped there. 

Being the ever helpful little girl that I was, or at least tried to be, I'd have probably followed it up with "Can I help you?"   

I didn't do this, but during one of my own Gramma's talks about being ready for death my sister asked Gramma if she could have Gramma's giant stuffed toy giraffe when she died.

Is it rude to want to try that? 

My grandma is obsessed with death and the apocalypse.    It is usually something like "I hope the lord comes tomorrow" combined with "if you don't start going to church you're going to be left behind!"

Upside is it isn't just me.  My Christian family members get it too.  I hope I never have to tell grandma that I've been studying Judaism with the intent of converting.  She threw a fit when my cousin converted to Catholicism.  And that is still a branch of Christianity.  Well some people believe it isn't.  But it is closer than Judaism anyways.

I'm thinking laying claim to her stuff might, at the very least, amuse me enough to make it less annoying.  "Ok grandma, can have your insert_item_here when I get left behind?"

LOL!

My mom likes to do the whole "When I die, you can have such-and-such item." She's been doing this since I was in high school 15 years ago and it really started to annoy me by the time I was in my early 20's. So I started replying, "Oh, boy, I can't wait!"

Fortunately my mom has a great sense of humor and can laugh at herself. She has drastically cut back on talking about how her possessions should be disributed upon her death (she's 61 and healthy AND she has a will as well as a detailed written list, so this kind of talk is really unnecessary).