Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[Valentines Mommy]

Your mom does that too? I thought it was just mine.

[LazyDaisy]

Oh goodness, my grandmother did that for 30 years before her death. She took great delight in proclaiming that all of the women of the family (her 3 daughters and 3 granddaughters) would be fighting tooth and nail to claim her jewelry and clothes. Sadly, the absolute opposite was true -- we really didn't want any of it after her death. The jewelry was largely gaudy costume jewelry and she had flamboyant clothes that wouldn't fit any of us even if it were our style. I did love her but she was a pathological narcissist throughout her life. We all learned quickly to just smile and nod at her when she said she was bequeathing one of us something (or not) and go about our lives.

[veryfluffy]

My sister's best friend Sandy when she was a teenager was a real PA queen. Sandy was confident and I guess more "popular" and my sister wanted to be part of her crowd, so my sister was always having to backtrack on things and go along with whatever she wanted. Sandy would "break up" with my sister every now and then, or leave her out of things, and was generally very manipulative.

I think Sandy could tell that she wasn't my favourite person, and one day asked me "Why don't you like me?" Of course, I was supposed to say, "Don't be silly, of course I like you!"

I didn't. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "How much time have you got?"

[spookycatlady]

When I put the deposit down on the hall for my wedding, I let all my significant family members know the date (it was a good 14-15 months away from the wedding, so way too early for save-the-date cards).  Mom called me later and said, "When were you *thinking* of getting married again?" 

I knew that she knew the date.  I also knew right away that she was setting me up to change to suit hers and my Dad's needs over mine and my then future husband's.  So, brightly and cheerfully I said, "We *are* getting married on October 16th.  Non-refundable deposits have been paid."

"Well, that date doesn't work for us.  Your father will have to take vacation time."

Now, in my family, Dad came first, then Mom, then Brother, then me.  The family script said that I was now supposed to realize how inconvenient my date was and change our plans.  "I guess Dad will have to take vacation then."

I posted about this as it happened ages ago.  She later told me that Dad might not get the leave (he never had a hard time getting the exact vacation time that he wanted).  With that I was supposed buckle under the threat of my Dad not being at my wedding.  I said, "I'm going to play the only daughter card here."  Also I said some other things that were literally not e-hell approved (I got chastised in the thread).

Mom also said, "You know that we had other things we wanted to do with that vacation time." 

I treated it like it was a real conversation-- I was never *asked* to change the dates, just informed of how much they were going to suffer by my choices.  I was supposed to be shamed and realize where I was in the pecking order.  I just kept on saying, "Well, that's a choice you will have to make. I hope to see you there."

They came to the wedding. They left early from the reception, but they came.

It felt really really good in the end to put my new family (myself, husband, and furbabies) ahead of the family of origin.  It stunk at the time, though.

[goldilocks]

My granddad used the line (or some variant) of "Well, this might be my last Christmas/birthday/day on earth, ", etc for 20 years.  My mother said something to my dad about it one time and he said that HIS grandfather had done the same thing. 

I did notice that when granddaddy was in failing healther and it REALLY might have been his last whatever, he quit saying it.

So, my mother.  She pays quite a bit each month in medicine, and also wastes a lot of money each month.  whenever one of us tries to discuss money and budgeting with her, we get

"FINE! I'll just quit buying all that medicine"

Any attempts to explain it's not the medicine we are talking about but the other non-essential items got us nowhere.  I finally just said "Well, you are an adult and if you think that's what you need to do, okay".


NOTE:  One example of her money mgmt issues.  She likes to get all the women's magazines each month (about 4 of them).   One year for Chrismtas I bought her subscriptions, thinking that would help her save money.  No.  the magazines came out in the store before hers arrived by mail, and she couldn't wait so she bought them anyway.

[yokozbornak]

Spookycatlady's wedding story reminded me of my own.  My dad threw a fit when my sister got married about walking her down the aisle and even showing up because "he hated that kind of thing" and didn't want to dress up.  Sheand my mom literally cried and begged him to until he relented and showed up. When I got married about ten years later, I was expecting the same reaction.  I had been down that road with him before about my high school graduation (that's a whole other story) so I was prepared.  When he said he didn't think he would be able to come and didn't want to walk me down the aisle, I just smiled and said, "Okay, I have already talked to Friend and he is more than willing to do the job."  He started sputteringand acting offended and saying, "You know I'm kidding!"  I let him know that his games and manipulations wouldn't work on me anymore.  I will say that he never pulled those stunts with me anymore after that because I just called him on it.

[Jules1980]

LOL!

My mom likes to do the whole "When I die, you can have such-and-such item." She's been doing this since I was in high school 15 years ago and it really started to annoy me by the time I was in my early 20's. So I started replying, "Oh, boy, I can't wait!"

Fortunately my mom has a great sense of humor and can laugh at herself. She has drastically cut back on talking about how her possessions should be disributed upon her death (she's 61 and healthy AND she has a will as well as a detailed written list, so this kind of talk is really unnecessary).

My great-grandmother used to do this too.  She stopped after my brother asked if he could have the item right then so she could see him enjoying it before she died.  (He never intended to take said item, he just wanted to show her how silly that statement was.)

[Slartibartfast]

DH's grandmother has been pulling the "my last Christmas" thing ever since I've known her (a little over ten years now).  She's in her mid-nineties, doing well health-wise, lives alone unassisted, and has more energy than many people thirty years younger than she is.  Her memory is starting to go, a bit, but she's still in excellent shape.  Every Thanksgiving (and every Christmas, if she gets her way) we all have to go up to her house for the holiday.  All of us except MIL, of course (Grandma's daughter-in-law), who is kind of not invited and kind of takes the initiative to sign up to work every holiday for this very reason.  (FIL has put his mother first the whole marriage, so I guess I'm not surprised he doesn't see anything wrong with celebrating every holiday with his mother instead of his wife.)

Last year the whole "last Christmas" thing came to a head.  (I posted about it here somewhere.)  I had planned to have a quiet Christmas here at home with Babybartfast, but DH misinterpreted my "plans to do nothing" as "no plans."  The end result was that FIL, DH, and Babybartfast went up to Grandma's house for Christmas, I flew by myself to visit my parents, and I cried a lot.  However, DH (belatedly) understood how much this meant to me and made a point of thanking Grandma for hosting this, her last Christmas.

This year Grandma wants us to come up for Christmas again.  We already were up there for Thanksgiving (although we left on Friday and had a "second Thanksgiving" with my sister and my family).  DH kindly reminded Grandma that she had said last year was her "last Christmas" so we made other plans this year.  I'm not sure what she had to say to that, but this year we'll be home.  FIL is driving the eight hours round-trip to pick her up and bring her back to our town, and we'll do part of Christmas day at the ILs house with Grandma and DH's sisters and their families, but the actual Christmas Eve and Christmas morning is ours.

[heartmug]

lol - reading all of these.  My MIL began doing that when my FIL had a heart attack about 15 years ago.  It was his last Christmas.  Then his last Easter.  Then Father's Day, his birthday, Thanksgiving, etc.....  Finally my DH had had enough.  He informed his mom that it could "anyone of our's last holiday or birthday each and every time we meet."

[Dandy Andy's Daddy's Love]

DH's grandmother has been pulling the "my last Christmas" thing ever since I've known her (a little over ten years now).  She's in her mid-nineties, doing well health-wise, lives alone unassisted, and has more energy than many people thirty years younger than she is.  Her memory is starting to go, a bit, but she's still in excellent shape.  Every Thanksgiving (and every Christmas, if she gets her way) we all have to go up to her house for the holiday.  All of us except MIL, of course (Grandma's daughter-in-law), who is kind of not invited and kind of takes the initiative to sign up to work every holiday for this very reason.  (FIL has put his mother first the whole marriage, so I guess I'm not surprised he doesn't see anything wrong with celebrating every holiday with his mother instead of his wife.)

Last year the whole "last Christmas" thing came to a head.  (I posted about it here somewhere.)  I had planned to have a quiet Christmas here at home with Babybartfast, but DH misinterpreted my "plans to do nothing" as "no plans."  The end result was that FIL, DH, and Babybartfast went up to Grandma's house for Christmas, I flew by myself to visit my parents, and I cried a lot.  However, DH (belatedly) understood how much this meant to me and made a point of thanking Grandma for hosting this, her last Christmas.

This year Grandma wants us to come up for Christmas again.  We already were up there for Thanksgiving (although we left on Friday and had a "second Thanksgiving" with my sister and my family).  DH kindly reminded Grandma that she had said last year was her "last Christmas" so we made other plans this year.  I'm not sure what she had to say to that, but this year we'll be home.  FIL is driving the eight hours round-trip to pick her up and bring her back to our town, and we'll do part of Christmas day at the ILs house with Grandma and DH's sisters and their families, but the actual Christmas Eve and Christmas morning is ours.

As far as I'm concerned, you only get one last <insert holiday>. After that, I've already been to the "last" one.

[nuit93]

As someone with a rather PA mother (she got better...sorta), I'm loving these responses!

I still won't acknowledge her comments about how it'd be nice to have another wedding anytime soon though 

[Auntie Mame]

As someone with a rather PA mother (she got better...sorta), I'm loving these responses!

I still won't acknowledge her comments about how it'd be nice to have another wedding anytime soon though 

Tell her you adopted two poodles and they are getting married.  They would have to be poodles, poodles look great in veils and bow ties.  And I like saying the word poodle.  Poodle.

[jedikaiti]

^^^  Ah!  Well, in that case weren't you ever tempted (as a child of course, before Ehell affiliation) to respond to her like this?

Grandma:  *sigh*  "Now is the time for me to die."
You:  "Okay."

 

Terribly, terribly tempted. I used to say it in my head. It made me feel much better. It never did pass my lips.

Actually as I child, I probably would have said it.  Only I wouldn't have stopped there. 

Being the ever helpful little girl that I was, or at least tried to be, I'd have probably followed it up with "Can I help you?"   

I didn't do this, but during one of my own Gramma's talks about being ready for death my sister asked Gramma if she could have Gramma's giant stuffed toy giraffe when she died.

Is it rude to want to try that? 

My grandma is obsessed with death and the apocalypse.    It is usually something like "I hope the lord comes tomorrow" combined with "if you don't start going to church you're going to be left behind!"

Upside is it isn't just me.  My Christian family members get it too.  I hope I never have to tell grandma that I've been studying Judaism with the intent of converting.  She threw a fit when my cousin converted to Catholicism.  And that is still a branch of Christianity.  Well some people believe it isn't.  But it is closer than Judaism anyways.

I'm thinking laying claim to her stuff might, at the very least, amuse me enough to make it less annoying.  "Ok grandma, can have your insert_item_here when I get left behind?"

LOL!

My mom likes to do the whole "When I die, you can have such-and-such item." She's been doing this since I was in high school 15 years ago and it really started to annoy me by the time I was in my early 20's. So I started replying, "Oh, boy, I can't wait!"

Fortunately my mom has a great sense of humor and can laugh at herself. She has drastically cut back on talking about how her possessions should be disributed upon her death (she's 61 and healthy AND she has a will as well as a detailed written list, so this kind of talk is really unnecessary).

A bit OT, as my Dad was very much NOT being PA, but still amusing...

When I was a kid, my parents had their own company, and one day (I would have been in mid-low single digit ages), Dad proudly gave me the "one day, all this will be yours" speech. I wanted it Right. Then. MY office! :-)

[Queen of Clubs]

All of us except MIL, of course (Grandma's daughter-in-law), who is kind of not invited and kind of takes the initiative to sign up to work every holiday for this very reason.  (FIL has put his mother first the whole marriage, so I guess I'm not surprised he doesn't see anything wrong with celebrating every holiday with his mother instead of his wife.)

Your poor MIL.  Wouldn't it be possible to invite *her* to celebrate the holidays with you so at least she's celebrating some holidays with some of her family?

[BabyMama]

My mom has been doing a variant of "last Christmas", but with nice things. She and my dad have been separated for ~3 years now, but still have some sort of joint account. He makes quite a bit more money than she does--although we estimate she'll be getting a fair amount of alimony once they do divorce, and she makes a fair salary on her own anyhow. But she acts as though she'll be impoverished when the divorce does happen.

Every time we go out to eat somewhere nice, she loudly sighs and says, "Enjoy it, everyone, this is the last time we'll eat like this.".  Like she expects us to suddenly turn on my dad because we've been denied prime rib. 

DH and I have started paying to stop it. Which is fine, we're adults now and should pay sometimes. And it's worth it to stop the "Woe is me, I'll never eat steak again" diatribe.