Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[BarensMom]

All of us except MIL, of course (Grandma's daughter-in-law), who is kind of not invited and kind of takes the initiative to sign up to work every holiday for this very reason.  (FIL has put his mother first the whole marriage, so I guess I'm not surprised he doesn't see anything wrong with celebrating every holiday with his mother instead of his wife.)

Your poor MIL.  Wouldn't it be possible to invite *her* to celebrate the holidays with you so at least she's celebrating some holidays with some of her family?

I have heard of people like your FIL who put their FOO ahead of their marriage and children.  They're always surprised that, after the parents pass away and the siblings disperse, the spouse and children are no longer interested in spending time with them.

Once again, I ask, why do some married people forget the "forsaking all others' part of the vows?

[FoxPaws]

Every time we go out to eat somewhere nice, she loudly sighs and says, "Enjoy it, everyone, this is the last time we'll eat like this.".  Like she expects us to suddenly turn on my dad because we've been denied prime rib. 

Well then...let's order the lobster and a bottle of their finest champagne!

OR

Oh, are you starting a new diet?

 

[EmmaJ.]

I'm sorry, what is FOO?  Google is no help (unless of course, you do mean Flight Operations Office  ).

[FoxPaws]

FOO = Family of Origin

[BabyMama]

Every time we go out to eat somewhere nice, she loudly sighs and says, "Enjoy it, everyone, this is the last time we'll eat like this.".  Like she expects us to suddenly turn on my dad because we've been denied prime rib. 

Well then...let's order the lobster and a bottle of their finest champagne!

OR

Oh, are you starting a new diet?

 

Haha, I know, right? One of these times I'm going to slip and say, "So, is this our last good meal then? Shall I order the surf and turf?"

[girlysprite]

My DH sometimes starts to mutter loudly over something that annoys him when I'm around, like dishes on the countertop, or that the oven isn't clean enough...I think he wants me to jump in there, but I never open my mouth or do anything. If he wants to discuss the issue or wants me to help, he can just ask. It works for me

Also, luckily not all (grand)parents who say things like 'when I die I want you to have this' are PA. My grandmother really wants to make sure that all her prized posessions go the people who can appreciate them the most. She has already passed on a lot of items already for this reason, so I know that when she says 'I want you to have that after I die' she is serious about it.

[siamesecat2965]

My mom used to pull PA stunts whenever the holidays came, or any other time we were having company. She'd ask me to help get ready,which I was fine with. So she'd say please dust and vacuum the living and dining rooms. Ok fine, I'd do it, then say what next? She'd then hem and haw and say, let me think a minute, or let me finish this.  10, 15 or more minutes would go by, and I'd get tired of waiting, start reading or turn on the tv. She'd then come by, see me, and make PA comments like "Must be nice to have time to sit and read/watch tv" and the fight would commence

I finally broke her of this habit by telling her while I had no issues helping her get ready, she needed to give me a list, of everything she wanted me to do, so I could do one, then move onto the next, etc. I also told her no list, no help, I'll go sit in my room and let you do all the work.

And that solved the problem. I could do what was needed, without waiting for her to tell me what she needed done next, and it got done, and everyone was happy.

I do this now; when I come to visit, there are always things she needs/wants me to do.  As she's in a wheelchair, sometimes its something as simple as getting things down from the shelf in her closet, changing a light bulb, etc. I ususally spend a week at Christmas and have started asking for a list, and letting her know I plan on doing "a whole lot of nothing" I also tell her let me know the priority of what needs to be done.  As as I get there, or sometime before I leave. It seems to work out well.

[Redneck Gravy]

My dad used the dying soon every year, usually between Thanksgiving and Christmas, woe is him.  Every year it was enjoy me this year I don't think I will be here for next year.  One year I said, "can I have your pickup if you go?"  Well that stopped.

My exMIL is and always has been p/a - there are numerous threads posted through the years about her.  Her mother was dying for 20 years also, every summer and holiday might be grandma's last, she died at 101 (not joking).  MIL started with that same ploy a few years later.  I sat my daughters down and said we are not going to be held hostage by this like your dad and I were. 

She asked me to bring her grandkids to see her and I tried but then she had every reason under the sun why I couldn't do it.  So I flew her here two years ago and that was the last time I am doing that!

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=84654.0
 

[Flora Louise]

This thread makes me think of the Seinfeld episode in which George explains some selfish thing he's done to Jerry and then asks, "Does that make me a bad person?" clearly expecting to be told "of course not." Jerry replies, "Well, yeah."

[kymom3]

My mom used to give out the digs and there are still certain situations where I will freeze because I can hear my mother's voice in my head making fun of the way I do something.

For example--and this is the one time I stood up to her and it actually worked!  My siblings and I were at mom and dad's house, brother and his wife, me and my children and sister.  We were all adults.  We were fixing lunch and mom had some chicken to make sandwiches with, when I made my sandwich there were only a few stringy bits of chicken left. I knew that no matter what I did with them it would be wrong--if I wrapped them up to put in the frig or left them out, and sure enough mom made some comment implying I was too dumb to put the chicken up/or why did I put the chicken up with a couple of small pieces in the bag--I don't remember exactly which one I did.

I very quietly said to her, "Don't you ever speak to me that way again."  I didn't make a big fuss, I didn't try to shame her and yell in front of our family, but I think my quiet words had a bigger impact because she never did that again.

[Sophia]

It was a bit of a struggle for me to move out of my parent's house.  I went to University in the same town, so there was no burning need for me to leave.  But, when I naturally started socializing more Mom and Dad tried to clamp down more than when I was 16.  So, I moved out a few times and was dragged/tempted back.  Before the last time I moved out, Dad decided that I really didn't want to move out (I did) and was just manipulating them.  So, I heard him tell mom that the next time I announced I was moving out, they would offer to help.  When it came to pass, I said "I am so glad you feel that way!  I get the apartment on X day.  Any help will be appreciated."  Dad deflated and mom looked murderous (at Dad).  But, I moved out and stayed out. 

[AfleetAlex]

My mother is convinced that everyone should either be able to read her mind or get the subtleties of what she's hinting at (she's PA but I think she thinks she's being polite by not being direct). The other day I had to have a conversation with her telling her not to complain to me about something my dad had done when she had never told him how she felt directly.

Not that my dad is blameless but honestly, Ma, I failed my ESP test, you're going to have to tell me what you want.

[Kimblee]

This thread makes me think of the Seinfeld episode in which George explains some selfish thing he's done to Jerry and then asks, "Does that make me a bad person?" clearly expecting to be told "of course not." Jerry replies, "Well, yeah."

Okay, I'm gonna tell on myself here.

I did/do that. I explain my point of veiw in a sittuation then say (a variation of) "I'm an awful person." Except I truly believe it. After enduring years of this (bless her) my best friend one day stared at me and said "Oh... You really believe that don't you? I always thought you just wanted a little praise!" Then she sat me down and parroted back a few of the sittuations (putting herself in my place) and asked me if she was wrong (not awful, just wrong) Well, if it was HER it was okay.

Good therapy and better pills have done wonders for me, but sometimes I fall into old habits. And (bless her twice) my friend still puts up with it, although she wrote on a index card "You're sweet and nice and caring. You're just bat-poo crazy. Super Bat-poo." and put it in my wallet so she can tell me "Kim, go look in your wallet, I'm too tired to answer this one."

In my defense, I learned the arts of PA (and that I'm a terrible person) from my psychotic grandmother. I'm not entirely sure why, when I know everything that left her lips were lies, I still believe her.

[GratefulMaria]

This thread makes me think of the Seinfeld episode in which George explains some selfish thing he's done to Jerry and then asks, "Does that make me a bad person?" clearly expecting to be told "of course not." Jerry replies, "Well, yeah."

Okay, I'm gonna tell on myself here.

I did/do that. I explain my point of veiw in a sittuation then say (a variation of) "I'm an awful person." Except I truly believe it. After enduring years of this (bless her) my best friend one day stared at me and said "Oh... You really believe that don't you? I always thought you just wanted a little praise!" Then she sat me down and parroted back a few of the sittuations (putting herself in my place) and asked me if she was wrong (not awful, just wrong) Well, if it was HER it was okay.

Good therapy and better pills have done wonders for me, but sometimes I fall into old habits. And (bless her twice) my friend still puts up with it, although she wrote on a index card "You're sweet and nice and caring. You're just bat-poo crazy. Super Bat-poo." and put it in my wallet so she can tell me "Kim, go look in your wallet, I'm too tired to answer this one."

In my defense, I learned the arts of PA (and that I'm a terrible person) from my psychotic grandmother. I'm not entirely sure why, when I know everything that left her lips were lies, I still believe her.

*sniff* I just love your best friend!!!

My mother's really good at the hit-and-run martyr allusion.  As a family owned by a dog, we have take-alongs in our car all the time:  a leash, snacks, water bowl, etc.  Well, the leash was on the floor of the front passenger seat when I was taking my mother somewhere one day, and she glances down at it and asks me, "Oh, that's for me, isn't it?"  (As in, I treat her like a dog.  Which, if you knew anything about my dog's life, you'd want!)  It used to set my teeth on edge, then I learned to let go of changing her opinion and started replying with a cheerful, "Yep!"

[violinp]

My grandpa will sometimes be really PA - he thinks he's being sly, but he's really not. Once, he was yammering on about how his 70th birthday celebration was soooo wonderful (it was - all 11 of us rented a house for a week and had a very nice vacation), and, why, his 75th birthday is coming up, isn't it? And didn't we all enjoy that vacation 5 years ago so much?

Mom, Dad, and I just smiled and said that, yes, we had enjoyed it. Inside, I was thinking, though: "Dude, that was a one - time thing. We spent a boatload of money on that trip, and you want all 3 kids, with their spouses and kids of their own, to do that all over again five years later?" Not to mention that his daughter - Cabbage's and my mom - wouldn't be able to go, due to church stuff going on around that time. So, yeah. That would be a really nice gift for him, but not so much for everyone else.