Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[Adelaide]

Reading this thread reminds me of more.

My mother is a yo-yo dieter, but with the same 15 pounds or so. She's not terribly overweight even at her largest. I'm not either, but I could lose 15 pounds as well. Yet when she's on track she's always talking about how great it feels and how you should just eat x y and z and do "just 30 minutes a day" of light exercise. I swear I hear "just 30 minutes a day" echoing around in my brain at all hours because she'll repeat it daily and clasp my hand whenever I'm home. It's her PA way of telling me to shape up. I tried telling her that I do at least an hour of hard exercise three times a week with my martial arts class and that it burns between 800-1000 calories each time, but she brushed that off as a) impossible and b) not as effective as her "just 30 minutes a day".

Well, we went to a gym and got our body fat analyzed. She was about 45% bodyfat where I was about 22% and she was flabbergasted at how that could be so. I told her that if she would do "just 30 minutes a day" of hard exercise she would feel so much better. She doesn't say that anymore.

My parents have also started hinting more strongly about grandchildren. "I can't wait to show your toys to the grandchildren" or "I can't wait to watch these home movies with grandchildren" or "You know, if you have kids we'll have to move to a bigger house". I've started saying "Well, I'd better start fornicating this instant!" or I say "Hm, if I have kids with Current Interest and he's 40 right now, he'll be 58 when they graduate high school..." which makes them fall silent, as they quickly remember that I am not married and they do not want me to marry this man and have children with him.

[Shalamar]

This is something that occurred at least 15 years ago, and it still gets me mad when I think about it ...

When our daughter was very small (just over a year old), we were invited to spend Christmas at my in-laws' place, which was a 2.5 hour drive away.  MIL had asked that we be there for Christmas Eve and stay overnight.    Christmas Eve happened to fall on a weekday that year, so my husband and I both had to work until 5:00.  We knew how tricky it would be driving with a baby for 2.5 hours in the late afternoon/early evening, since she was sure to get hungry or bored, plus the road conditions weren't the greatest (we live in a wintry climate).  So, we said "Thanks anyway, but we'd rather come Christmas morning."  MIL wasn't pleased, saying only "Fine, but make sure you get here by 10:00 a.m.  That's when we're going to open presents."

So, on Christmas morning we hurriedly opened our gifts to each other, got some food into the three of us, and piled into the car.  We pulled up in front of my in-laws' house at 9:58 a.m. and grinned at each other in triumph - we had made it, with a couple of minutes to spare!

Well, we entered the house - and that's when we saw torn wrapping paper and unwrapped gifts everywhere.  My husband, who normally wouldn't say boo to a goose, was furious and asked his mother why they hadn't waited for us.  She said airily "Oh, the kids got so excited; they couldn't wait."

I should mention that the "kids" in question were my husband's brother and sister, who were 22 and 27 at the time. 

The reason I'm posting this story in this thread is that it just occurred to me, after all these years, that I'm pretty sure that was a passive-aggressive move on MIL's part to punish us for not coming out on Christmas Eve like she'd wanted.

[BabyMama]

^ My family did that one year, with Thanksgiving. We were going to DH's family's Thanksgiving lunch, and then were driving ~3 hours to my family for dinner. My family is well aware that T-day food is really important to me, and that the food at DH's family is usually pretty lacking. They also knew we were going to be pushing it to get there by dinner, but that we really wanted to be there on time. I was also bringing dessert. And my grandparents were going to be there, and I really wanted to see them.

So, after cutting DH's T-day a little short, driving like mad to get to my parents' place, and rushing in the front door, we find...everyone napping and all the food put away. Apparently my mom (who's obsessed with my weight) had decided that since I was already having a Thanksgiving meal, I didn't need another so chose to serve all the food earlier that day. And because they had just eaten a big meal, my grandparents had gone back to their hotel to rest, so they weren't even there when we arrived. 

[Shalamar]

That's awful, BabyMama!  I don't even know where to begin - I'm still stuck on the notion that your mother thought you needed to lose weight and therefore wouldn't save Thanksgiving food for you.   

There was one good thing that came out of that long-ago Christmas.  For a few years after that, every time MIL said "We're hosting Christmas dinner, so be at our house by such-and-such a time on such-and-such a day to open presents"), we'd say politely "We'll get there when we get there.  Don't worry about waiting for us."  (Thinking to ourselves:   "You wouldn't anyway.")  That way, we were able to enjoy a leisurely Christmas morning with just us and our daughters.

After a certain point, we realized that the lovely relaxed Christmas morning was the best part of the day.  My MIL has never liked me and is a very cold person, so spending the afternoon and evening with her and the rest of the in-laws was never much fun.   In fact, apart from the fact that we had turkey for dinner, it was pretty  much like any other day.  My husband and I finally said "We're going to spend Christmas at home from now on.  See you in the New Year."  OH BOY, you'd think that we'd suddenly announced that we were becoming Satanists, but we stuck to our guns.  That's what we've done for the last four years, and it's been WONDERFUL. 

[Sophia]

BabyMama, no wonder you said in the other thread that you didn't want to see your parents fro Christmas. 

[Redneck Gravy]

Does anyone remember the thread when my sister begged me to come for Thanksgiving dinner, then after driving six hours in the sleet, snow and ice; I get there only to discover she has left town for the weekend?


http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=19680.msg431613#msg431613

[Sophia]

I think I blocked that one out.  Sometimes a little amnesia is helpful for my mental health and outlook on life.

[snowflake]

I don't know if the crap my family has pulled is actually PA or just because they're scattered.

There have been a couple of times when I've hosted a meal and managed to come put with a menu that pleases all parties involved.  This is no mean feat - the "core" group of family that gets together has all kinds of dietary restrictions/preferences.

And then, something of this sort happens: I get a call from a family member about two hours beforehand telling me, "Well that's too much work for you.  We're just going to get sandwiches from the deli."  (Keep in mind, said family member had already rejected sandwiches because they were too "carb heavy.")  My response is always, "I'm not going to change my plans now.  I already have it cooking."  Then other family members chime in, "Well if you don't want sandwiches, how about we go to In 'n Out?  I LOVE in 'n Out!"  I have to explain multiple times that they all agreed on tacos and I have five pounds of taco meat in my crockpot plus 100 shells.  Not to mention 20 avocados that are going to go bad.

Invariably this means they come over and in my kitchen start a "Snowflake trash section" about what an unreasonable control freak I am. 

And while they do so an adult will go through my cupboards and find something like half a bar of luxury chocolate.  They will then walk out into my living room to eat it in front of the children who will say, "But I want that!" and cry because family member is eating the only portion in front of them. They will tell the children to ask me for more and ask me why I don't have 20 servings of everything in my kitchen. 

I actually planned this fabulous revenge a few years ago.  I would serve nothing but peanut butter sandwiches.  Plus, I'd have limited portions of a great "leftover" dessert and make sure the offending adults would have none.  I also planned to pick up some "relationship red flags" pamphlets from a local shelter and make it into a bingo game where you got a prize when someone said five abusive statements in a row.

And then I realized the solution was to stop hosting. 

Best revenge EVER.

[Esther_bunny]

I love this thread! I have a PA mom and am just now learning how to deal with her and I'm 38.
I still haven't found the answer to, "Was I bad mother?" (Well yes and no.) I guess I could ask, "When?"

[Auntie Mame]

I love this thread! I have a PA mom and am just now learning how to deal with her and I'm 38.
I still haven't found the answer to, "Was I bad mother?" (Well yes and no.) I guess I could ask, "When?"

I will straight up tell my mom to knock it off when she aks that question. 

[Sirius]

Spookycatlady's wedding story reminded me of my own.  My dad threw a fit when my sister got married about walking her down the aisle and even showing up because "he hated that kind of thing" and didn't want to dress up.  Sheand my mom literally cried and begged him to until he relented and showed up. When I got married about ten years later, I was expecting the same reaction.  I had been down that road with him before about my high school graduation (that's a whole other story) so I was prepared.  When he said he didn't think he would be able to come and didn't want to walk me down the aisle, I just smiled and said, "Okay, I have already talked to Friend and he is more than willing to do the job."  He started sputteringand acting offended and saying, "You know I'm kidding!"  I let him know that his games and manipulations wouldn't work on me anymore.  I will say that he never pulled those stunts with me anymore after that because I just called him on it.

My dad said did the same thing about my wedding, and I pulled rank:  "You gave away Older Sis and you gave away Younger Sis, and, by jiggies, you're giving me away!"  And he did.  Now I'd be tempted to tell him, "Okay, I'll get Other Person to do it.  I'm sure he'll be honored," and watch what happens. 

[Shalamar]

Who on earth goes through someone else's cupboards and eats their chocolate without permission?   I'd blow a gasket.

[QueenofAllThings]

Who are all these women asking 'Was I a bad mother?'  That would never occur to my mom.  She wasn't a bad mother, but I was her first, so somewhat experimental.  Now, HER mother - she WAS a bad mother. And in complete denial about it.

[Giggity]

Once, when I was being a mouthy teenager (yeah, I know, someone better call the Department of Redundancy Department), I asked my mother if she thought she'd done a good job raising me. She said, "Well, yeah, I guess. I only broke one leg, and pinned your diaper to you twice."

(Broken leg story: when I was almost a year old, Mom was taking me for a ride on her bike. This would have been 1970, so the seat was one that I could swing my little legs around out of. She was pedaling, I stuck my leg out, and WHAM foot met spokes. Result: one toddler in leg cast for awhile.)

[Auntie Mame]

Who are all these women asking 'Was I a bad mother?'  That would never occur to my mom.  She wasn't a bad mother, but I was her first, so somewhat experimental.  Now, HER mother - she WAS a bad mother. And in complete denial about it.

It's a pathetic bid for attention.  I know with my Mom it's the perfect way to keep attention all on her all the time.  It creates this perfect loop where you keep people going around and around because they (generic they) have to "convince" you (generic you) that it's not true and you keep the argument going as long as you want by tearfully stating over and over "but I am bad mother" *sob*.  It's right up there with the "so and so hates me" tactic.

It took me years to figure out what she was doing and now I flat out to refuse to play her twisted little "LOOK AT ME" game.