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Author Topic: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27  (Read 303246 times)

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gingerzing

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #90 on: November 29, 2012, 08:38:05 AM »
DH wonders why I don't deal with most of my dad's family. 
They aren't bad, and I like uncle #4 (Dad was the eldest of 5 boys).  However,  I learned VERY VERY early that I was not a favored grandchild.  Even though I am the first grandchild for that family, I was a girl *gasp*, and I was born in Oct to parents who were married in March.  (Do the math and again *gasp*)   Oddly, my great-grandmother liked me even though my grandfather was not her favorite child.  See a trend in this family?

Fast forward to when I was a young adult and had just moved back into the basic area.  I was living about an hour away from hometown where grandparent's live (and two uncles)  I was also working retail.  So when the invite came for holiday meal, I was pleased that I could go, but I called my aunt to explain that I would be cutting it close to make it right on time for dinner at 1 o'clock.  And could they hold dinner for 15 minutes (1:15) for me to make it there?  Wasn't a problem.  Except when I got there, they had already served dinner at 12, but there were some leftovers still.   My mom (Dad had passed away) sat in the kitchen with me while I ate, while the rest of the family went out to the living room. 

It took a while for me to deal with that.  Basically DH and I still get invited to the family holiday, but I just decline.   


Winterlight

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #91 on: November 29, 2012, 09:17:00 AM »
Who on earth goes through someone else's cupboards and eats their chocolate without permission?   I'd blow a gasket.

If someone took my chocolate without express permission, they wouldn't survive the offense! :)
If wisdomís ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Yvaine

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #92 on: November 29, 2012, 09:31:51 AM »
This isn't a traumatic story, just one that's funny to me in retrospect, and one I've told here before. This is how my grandma, possibly, learned that PA indirectness doesn't necessarily work on children. (I think she was probably raised to never openly ask for things or get angry. I saw her openly angry exactly once in the whole twenty-odd years I knew her.)

Anyway, she used to have us kids--me, my siblings, our cousins--over for sleepovers from time to time. This only happened about once a year and was a big giddy thing for us kids. We looked forward to it avidly and would stay up all night gabbing with our cousins, playing favorite tapes at each other and singing along, and probably being absolute holy terrors.

Grandma used to come into the guest room once every half hour or so and announce "Grandma's going to bed now" and then leave. And then come back a half hour later and do it again. And again. We kids would call out a cheery "Good night!" and go back to whatever crazy stuff we were doing, because the hint was sailing right over our heads. We had no idea why she felt the need to announce it!  ;D Finally, when I told it as a funny story to my mom after one of these sleepovers, Mom explained that Grandma was actually trying to tell us to go to bed and quit making noise. Whoops!

Daquiri40

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #93 on: November 29, 2012, 09:55:39 AM »
I had (had) a friend that was massivly PA.  She always thought she was being so subtle...but she was about as subtle as a sledgehammer.  One weekend I had had enough and became really PA myself.

I was driving my car.  This was unusual because she always wanted control and wanted to drive.  We took a short weekend trip.  One the second day she was bored and wanted to drive but wouldn't come out and say it.  She said things like, "I always what one of these type of cars would drive like?"  "I was thinking about buying a car like this...I wonder if I would like it?"  Sighing out the window, "I really like going places, but I usually like to drive."  She would say PA things instead of just saying, "Can I drive your car?"

The whole reason I was driving instead of her is because she told me she always had to drive and it was a lot of wear and tear on her car.  She always WANTED to drive.

I said things like, "You could probably take a test drive at a dealership."  "You may like it - you should go look at a car lot."  "I like driving too!"  And on and on.

It was fun!

*new*mommyagain36

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #94 on: November 29, 2012, 10:27:01 AM »
Actually, this one was accidental but worked so well I could kick myself for not doing it any sooner.
I had a Great Aunt who was so...mean.  She would just say the meanest things.  Yet my Mom would force us to visit her practically weekly to be "respectful."  When I was younger she would say "you are so pretty, it's a shame you're so fat" when, at that time I was just chubby and a kid so really, who cares.  By the time I was 16 I had heard her backhanded remarks so many times I guess I just reached a breaking point.  She was living in an assisted living home and during a visit I gave her a prom picture.  She looked at it for the longest time, then she said " You look so beautiful.  How did you manage to find such a pretty dress when you're so darn fat?"  I just burst out laughing.   I mean, why would you compliment someone and then tell them they're "so darn fat"  And I couldn't stop.  I laughed hysterically and walked out of her house still laughing.  I drove away from there laughing like a loon.   And never spoke to her again.  It was very cleansing to say the least.  My Mom said Aunt asked about me for years afterward and wondered if I was ever coming to visit her again.  My Mom said, "I don't think so" to which my Mom said Aunt always looked a little puzzled.
"Oh people can come up with statistics to prove anything.  14% of people know that" - Homer Simpson

snowflake

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #95 on: November 29, 2012, 10:45:16 AM »
Who on earth goes through someone else's cupboards and eats their chocolate without permission?   I'd blow a gasket.

Have I got a story! 

Two nights before Nephew's (Jim) wedding, his father "Don" and cousin "Ben" had taken him out for a "bachelor night."  When they returned to Jim's house, he went to bed and let Don and Ben crash on the couch/futon.  When Jim got up the next morning, Don and Ben were already up and gone.  He then proceeded to pack up and drive to the wedding location.

In the meantime, Jim's wife "Lisa" had gone out with myself, my sister and a few friends to local college town for pizza and beer.  Lisa then went to her mother's house to pick up some of the wedding stuff, then back to Jim's to shower, change and grab the rest of the stuff, including the Jelly Bellys that were to be placed into small bags as wedding favors.  She couldn't find them, and as she looked for the missing bags, discovered that several other bags of candies and chocolates were missing as well.

After the wedding, it came out that Don and Ben had decided that Jim and Lisa were too fat to have all that candy around their house and had stolen all of it and either ate it themselves or tossed it in a public dumpster.  Lisa confronted both of them and, not only did neither one apologize, they reiterated that Jim and Lisa were fat.

Dumpster my foot.  I'd be tempted to call them on that.  It's ironic when people who pig out trash the weight of others.

I once had a co-worker who was big-boned.  (I'll call her Ellen) She did dancing, ran marathons, biked over Thailand for her vacation etc.  She ate like a rabbit (healthy portions of healthy foods.)  She was athletic, well-toned, and energetic with beautiful curves.  She did register a slightly high BMI, but every doctor who examined her told her not to worry because she was wonderfully healthy.  She was of good, solid Viking stock.

So one day a co-worker (who was no string bean himself but not quite so athletic) came into her office to ask about a project she was working on.  She had a mid-afternoon snack of a half-cup of carrots and a tablespoon of peanut butter that she had just taken out of her bag.   Remember that she was extremely active.  By mid-afternoon she had already biked 10 miles to work and done a quick 5 mile run on her lunch break.  So you can imagine that she had a good appetite.

Now this co-worker was PA personified.  (I'll call him Bob.)  I could go on and on.  He saw the snack and said, "I'd sure wish I had thought of that."

She said, "Feel free to have a carrot."

He then proceeded to dig in and start eating her snack.  He said only, "I just don't know why I'm so hungry."

The great thing was that she was totally direct to his passive-aggression. 

Bob: Oh, I should take better care of myself.
Her: Then go down to the cafeteria and get your own snack.
Bob: I just don't have anyone to tell help me to remember about things like this.
Her: Well, if you steal snacks, it tends to isolate people!

This went on for awhile with them talking about the project and then him making these PA "woe is me" comments and going back to the snack and stealing more carrots and peanut butter.  She would be blunt in response and take it away from him. I was BARELY keeping a straight face.

Finally he said: Well, I don't think large women should be eating peanut butter.
Her: It's MY peanut butter and it's going to make ME fatter, not YOU.

I don't know how I even stayed professional.  He never did get a clue.  And he never could figure out why she wasn't interested in dating him.  He thought a "large woman" like herself would be thrilled to get any date. 

Yvaine

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #96 on: November 29, 2012, 10:52:58 AM »
He was going to save her from the evils of her snack...by snarfing it all down himself?  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  ::)

snowflake

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #97 on: November 29, 2012, 10:59:48 AM »
He was going to save her from the evils of her snack...by snarfing it all down himself?  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  ::)

I think he was sure she'd be touched by his martyr tendencies.  When he left our company, he sent her emails saying how lonely he was hint. hint.  He wanted to go out.  Hint. Hint.  He didn't think a woman like him would ever take pity on a man like him hint. hint.  She replied saying that since she didn't have to work with him, she didn't have to listen to that anymore.  And she send him the numbers of some therapists.

Yvaine

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #98 on: November 29, 2012, 11:01:23 AM »
He was going to save her from the evils of her snack...by snarfing it all down himself?  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  ::)

I think he was sure she'd be touched by his martyr tendencies.  When he left our company, he sent her emails saying how lonely he was hint. hint.  He wanted to go out.  Hint. Hint.  He didn't think a woman like him would ever take pity on a man like him hint. hint.  She replied saying that since she didn't have to work with him, she didn't have to listen to that anymore.  And she send him the numbers of some therapists.

I think I like this Ellen!

gramma dishes

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #99 on: November 29, 2012, 11:11:13 AM »
...    Don and Ben had decided that Jim and Lisa were too fat to have all that candy around their house and had stolen all of it and either ate it themselves or tossed it in a public dumpster.  ...

I certainly do hope that Don and Ben were presented with a bill for all the wedding favors they either ate or chucked!!   :o

LazyDaisy

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #100 on: November 29, 2012, 11:36:10 AM »
Quote
That may be the cruelest non-violent person I'd ever heard of.

Me too.  I'm disgusted. 

(snip)

I read that book and it's actually extremely funny. The subtitle is "A mostly true memoir" and if you follow her blog, she is prone to a good bit of exaggeration just to be funny. She didn't come from an abusive home, just a very poor rural upbringing. She describes her own book as: "You should probably go buy it right now, because itís filled with awesomeness. And cocaine. But only if you hollow it out and fill it with your own cocaine. Iím not buying you cocaine. Because I love you. And thatís why you should buy my book. Because Iím saving you from yourself. And from cocaine." So I would take the whole story of the movie day with a grain of salt. I'm not saying it didn't happen at all, but probably not quite so dramatically.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." ó Douglas Adams

Emmy

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #101 on: November 29, 2012, 12:15:14 PM »
This isn't a traumatic story, just one that's funny to me in retrospect, and one I've told here before. This is how my grandma, possibly, learned that PA indirectness doesn't necessarily work on children. (I think she was probably raised to never openly ask for things or get angry. I saw her openly angry exactly once in the whole twenty-odd years I knew her.)

My MIL is the same way.  She really is a sweet woman, but she has some interesting quirks.  Shortly before DH and I met, she came down to visit him.  They were in the supermarket and DH wanted to buy the mixed salad greens.  MIL said "You like iceburg lettuce, you don't like the mixed greens.  They are so bitter.  We'll just pick up the iceburg lettuce."  DH who was around 30 at the time insisted he knew what he liked and he liked the mixed greens.  MIL still tried to insist that DH wanted the iceburg lettuce.  We know that she really didn't care for the mixed greens and wanted the iceburg lettuce, but refused to say so.  Our generation calls it the Jedi mind trick when MIL tries to get her kids/IL's to think something was their idea when it was her idea.

MIL also doesn't want anybody to lift a finger for her.  When visiting and sitting in an uncomfortable chair that was broken, she insisted it was the best chair in the world and she was happy there when somebody else offered their chair.  Recently, we had the family over and they were sitting a high table that required chairs that were bar stool height.  There weren't enough chairs and MIL sat in a shorter one, so she was eye level with the counter.  She insisted that she was comfortable and happy and didn't want a higher chair.  When she insists she is fine, we usually offer again, but let her stay where she is if she claims she is comfortable.  DH's uncle (MIL's brother) is the same way as MIL and they can spend several minutes going back and forth insisting that they get the uncomfortable chair.  The nice thing about MIL is she isn't a martyr that expects something in return or goes on about the situation.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2012, 12:17:26 PM by Emmy »

AfleetAlex

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #102 on: November 29, 2012, 12:34:32 PM »
Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"
I have a chronic case of foot-in-mouth disease.

snowflake

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #103 on: November 29, 2012, 12:56:28 PM »
Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"

I like this.  My family acts so quiet and forlorn and victimized.  They feel like "true love" means you guess what people want and give it to them.  (Any guess why they have crash and burn marriages?)  When I call them out on it, they say, "Well I was being nice about it."  No, you were faking meek.  To be "nice" I expect nice words, no insults.  To be "nice" you need to accept that I love you without acting like your servant.  Furthermore, if you want us to be better than acquaintances, you need nice thoughts behind the nice words. 

When I was 17 I did the exact same things.  (Here's an apology to everyone who knew me in younger days.)  Thank goodness I had friends like you who could call me out in a friendly way.  I soon noticed that my friends and co-workers seemed to genuinely like me after that.

mmswm

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #104 on: November 29, 2012, 01:06:20 PM »
Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"

This reminded me of one of the more amusing stories from my summer.  My youngest son had major hip surgery, and during his recovery he broke his foot, so at the time this story takes place, he wasn't getting around very well.  We had gone to a friend's house for dinner and after everybody sat down, my son realized that he didn't have his glass of milk.  He turned to me and told me that he left his milk on the counter, but before I could say anything, my friend looks at him and says "What, is your leg broken?", to which my son replied "Well, actually.  Yes." I about fell over from laughing.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)