Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[Yvaine]

He was going to save her from the evils of her snack...by snarfing it all down himself?   

I think he was sure she'd be touched by his martyr tendencies.  When he left our company, he sent her emails saying how lonely he was hint. hint.  He wanted to go out.  Hint. Hint.  He didn't think a woman like him would ever take pity on a man like him hint. hint.  She replied saying that since she didn't have to work with him, she didn't have to listen to that anymore.  And she send him the numbers of some therapists.

I think I like this Ellen!

[gramma dishes]

...    Don and Ben had decided that Jim and Lisa were too fat to have all that candy around their house and had stolen all of it and either ate it themselves or tossed it in a public dumpster.  ...

I certainly do hope that Don and Ben were presented with a bill for all the wedding favors they either ate or chucked!!   

[LazyDaisy]

That may be the cruelest non-violent person I'd ever heard of.

Me too.  I'm disgusted. 

(snip)

I read that book and it's actually extremely funny. The subtitle is "A mostly true memoir" and if you follow her blog, she is prone to a good bit of exaggeration just to be funny. She didn't come from an abusive home, just a very poor rural upbringing. She describes her own book as: "You should probably go buy it right now, because it’s filled with awesomeness. And cocaine. But only if you hollow it out and fill it with your own cocaine. I’m not buying you cocaine. Because I love you. And that’s why you should buy my book. Because I’m saving you from yourself. And from cocaine." So I would take the whole story of the movie day with a grain of salt. I'm not saying it didn't happen at all, but probably not quite so dramatically.

[Emmy]

This isn't a traumatic story, just one that's funny to me in retrospect, and one I've told here before. This is how my grandma, possibly, learned that PA indirectness doesn't necessarily work on children. (I think she was probably raised to never openly ask for things or get angry. I saw her openly angry exactly once in the whole twenty-odd years I knew her.)

My MIL is the same way.  She really is a sweet woman, but she has some interesting quirks.  Shortly before DH and I met, she came down to visit him.  They were in the supermarket and DH wanted to buy the mixed salad greens.  MIL said "You like iceburg lettuce, you don't like the mixed greens.  They are so bitter.  We'll just pick up the iceburg lettuce."  DH who was around 30 at the time insisted he knew what he liked and he liked the mixed greens.  MIL still tried to insist that DH wanted the iceburg lettuce.  We know that she really didn't care for the mixed greens and wanted the iceburg lettuce, but refused to say so.  Our generation calls it the Jedi mind trick when MIL tries to get her kids/IL's to think something was their idea when it was her idea.

MIL also doesn't want anybody to lift a finger for her.  When visiting and sitting in an uncomfortable chair that was broken, she insisted it was the best chair in the world and she was happy there when somebody else offered their chair.  Recently, we had the family over and they were sitting a high table that required chairs that were bar stool height.  There weren't enough chairs and MIL sat in a shorter one, so she was eye level with the counter.  She insisted that she was comfortable and happy and didn't want a higher chair.  When she insists she is fine, we usually offer again, but let her stay where she is if she claims she is comfortable.  DH's uncle (MIL's brother) is the same way as MIL and they can spend several minutes going back and forth insisting that they get the uncomfortable chair.  The nice thing about MIL is she isn't a martyr that expects something in return or goes on about the situation.

[AfleetAlex]

Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"

[snowflake]

Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"

I like this.  My family acts so quiet and forlorn and victimized.  They feel like "true love" means you guess what people want and give it to them.  (Any guess why they have crash and burn marriages?)  When I call them out on it, they say, "Well I was being nice about it."  No, you were faking meek.  To be "nice" I expect nice words, no insults.  To be "nice" you need to accept that I love you without acting like your servant.  Furthermore, if you want us to be better than acquaintances, you need nice thoughts behind the nice words. 

When I was 17 I did the exact same things.  (Here's an apology to everyone who knew me in younger days.)  Thank goodness I had friends like you who could call me out in a friendly way.  I soon noticed that my friends and co-workers seemed to genuinely like me after that.

[mmswm]

Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"

This reminded me of one of the more amusing stories from my summer.  My youngest son had major hip surgery, and during his recovery he broke his foot, so at the time this story takes place, he wasn't getting around very well.  We had gone to a friend's house for dinner and after everybody sat down, my son realized that he didn't have his glass of milk.  He turned to me and told me that he left his milk on the counter, but before I could say anything, my friend looks at him and says "What, is your leg broken?", to which my son replied "Well, actually.  Yes." I about fell over from laughing.

[RebeccainGA]

I come from a long line of PA people - my grandmother would win prizes. So would my dad. My sister would be disqualified, as she's a professional. You get the picture.

I have gotten, thanks to my DP, to the point where I just smile and nod. I don't acknowledge anything other than the fact that there are sounds coming out of their mouths. It works.

[goldilocks]

PA - ness nearly got DH killed the other night!

I was keeping the baby (18 mos).  I was late getting home with her, and she was sick.  Not really ill, just not feeling well.  So, I'm trying desparately to get her to eat so I can bathe her and get her into bed.  And it's already getting late.

So, I tried to feed her several things and she wouldn't eat.  I finally opened a can of peaches and got her to eat a few of those.  I had left the can on the counter.  DH comes home from a relaxing evening of NOT keeping a sick 18 MO, and says, oh, are you saving this can for some reason?

My reply is not e-hell approved.

[dawbs]

Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"

I think they learn young...my 2 year old did this the other day.
"oh no oh no oh no oh no.  I so sad.  Katie chocolate milk all gone!"
And *tada!* grandpa rushed to fill it back up again 

(and she considers it an honor for him to do that.  She said 'you're welcome grandpa' when he brought it to her. [mostly she forgets whether it's Thank you or you're welcome she's supposed to say--she knows there's *something* she should say though  )

[QueenofAllThings]

A PA Blind Date story -
So I'm out for the first time (and last) with a guy. He keeps saying things like -

Well, that will all change in April!
Of course, after April everything will be different.
Oh yes I do that all the time. At least until April.

On and on and on, and I was d$&@ed if I was going to ask him what was happening in April. Why couldn't he just tell me? I figured marriage or the priesthood.

[MrTango]

PA - ness nearly got DH killed the other night!

I was keeping the baby (18 mos).  I was late getting home with her, and she was sick.  Not really ill, just not feeling well.  So, I'm trying desparately to get her to eat so I can bathe her and get her into bed.  And it's already getting late.

So, I tried to feed her several things and she wouldn't eat.  I finally opened a can of peaches and got her to eat a few of those.  I had left the can on the counter.  DH comes home from a relaxing evening of NOT keeping a sick 18 MO, and says, oh, are you saving this can for some reason?

My reply is not e-hell approved.

No offense intended, but what about your husband's question was PA?  Was there something in his tone of voice?

If I saw an empty can on the counter, I'd probably ask the exact same thing.  If she was saving it, I'd leave it alone.  If she wasn't saving it, I'd toss it in the recycle bin for her.

[Yvaine]

A PA Blind Date story -
So I'm out for the first time (and last) with a guy. He keeps saying things like -

Well, that will all change in April!
Of course, after April everything will be different.
Oh yes I do that all the time. At least until April.

On and on and on, and I was d$&@ed if I was going to ask him what was happening in April. Why couldn't he just tell me? I figured marriage or the priesthood.

I bet he had a get-rich-quick scheme and he was going to tell you all about how he'd be rich by April if you'd taken the bait. 

[lilfox]

PA - ness nearly got DH killed the other night!

I was keeping the baby (18 mos).  I was late getting home with her, and she was sick.  Not really ill, just not feeling well.  So, I'm trying desparately to get her to eat so I can bathe her and get her into bed.  And it's already getting late.

So, I tried to feed her several things and she wouldn't eat.  I finally opened a can of peaches and got her to eat a few of those.  I had left the can on the counter.  DH comes home from a relaxing evening of NOT keeping a sick 18 MO, and says, oh, are you saving this can for some reason?

My reply is not e-hell approved.

No offense intended, but what about your husband's question was PA?  Was there something in his tone of voice?

If I saw an empty can on the counter, I'd probably ask the exact same thing.  If she was saving it, I'd leave it alone.  If she wasn't saving it, I'd toss it in the recycle bin for her.

Having been on the receiving end of comments like that myself, I'm going to guess it was the tone, or the implied notion of "Why didn't you clean this up immediately?"

I have taken to responding to similar comments with "Yes, and I'll deal with it when I have time" or "No, could you please put it away?"  In short, answering the literal question, not the implied comment.

[girlysprite]

A story from when DH was still Fiancee. He'd ask me something like 'hey, do you want some chocolate?' well, yes, I wanted some chocolate. His response 'can you also buy some licorice for me while you're buying chocolate?'
It was a sort of joke, but also sorta serious, because he really wanted some licorice. The first time I bought chocolate and 'forgot' the licorice. He looked sad and I shrugged. 'well, when you'll pick up the licorice I forgot, can you also buy the marshmellows that I feel peckish for now?'

The second time he tried this, I told him that I'd only do him favors like that if he asked for them directly. Worked like a charm.