Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[weeblewobble]

Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"

I like this.  My family acts so quiet and forlorn and victimized.  They feel like "true love" means you guess what people want and give it to them.  (Any guess why they have crash and burn marriages?)   

Argh, snowflake.  I had a roommate in college that thought of "true love" that way.  On Friday night, she was always holed up in our room "sad-sacking out" on her bed, in her sweats and a blanket, watching Sleepless in Seattle and crying because her long-distance (still in high school) boyfriend had upset her somehow.  He went out with his friends.  Didn't he know that she was here at college, alone, staying home to make sure that she wasn't out meeting other boys.  How dare he go out and have fun when she was so miserable!  Why couldn't he protect her feelings like she protected his? 

When I asked why she hadn't told him she felt this way, she said a good boyfriend should just KNOW.  I asked if she would feel better if she went to a party with me and meeting a few new people. She sniffed that she couldn't just go out and party* with strangers like some people.  She cared about her relationship.

(*Please note that I also had a long-distance boyfriend at another college.  We both went out with our friends regularly and trusted each other to have a good time without being unfaithful.  Roommate's emphasis seemed to imply that I was heading out to the local burlesque club for a bout of jello wrestling.  ETA: I am now married to that boyfriend,)

Roommate and I did not share a room the next semester.  I'd hoped that things might calm down after her boyfriend joined her at our college campus.  But through mutual friends, I heard that the Sleepless in Seattle jags were more frequent because the boyfriend couldn't guess what she wanted.  He would want to play video games with friends.  She would say that was fine and then retreat into her movie and jammies. If he didn't realize she was upset, she would call him crying, fussing at him for not realizing it.  Eventually, his friends convinced him to break up with her.

At the time, I didn't recognize it as passive aggressive.  I just thought she was a pain in my butt who kept eating my Pop Tarts.

[turtleIScream]

My mom loves to fish for compliments. When we were young teens,my sister and I figured out that's what she was doing when she'd say, "oh, my hair looks awful today, doesn't it?" We used to reassure her, as young kids who just want to make their mom feel better, but then we started agreeing with her. She started to learn after that.

One memorable day, however, mom slipped and made a self-deprecating comment. She caught herself and said, "I wasn't trying to fish for a compliment, honest!" My sister promptly responded, "Good, 'cause you weren't gonna get one!"

[Piratelvr1121]

It's a testament to my attraction to DH that we continued dating after this one occurance. 

B/G we met in college when I was a freshman and himself a sophomore.  He lived off campus, I lived on and in a dorm right next to the dining hall and we both had meal cards.  One day early in our relationship he says he'll meet me for dinner and then we'd see a movie on campus afterwards.  (they were free and shown in one of the lecture halls)  Well I went downstairs and sat out front of my dorm where I had a good view of the front of the dining hall.  I was supposed to meet him at 5, but the way he talked, it sounded like he was going to meet me outside my dorm.  I waited and waited and he never showed.  Ticked off I gave up and went inside my dorm to vent to a friend and then went to see Godzilla (the one with Matthew Broderick) with her and her boyfriend.

The next day I went walking with DH and he kept dropping all these PA hints that I stood him up.  Turned out, he'd waited inside the dining hall for me and when I didn't show he just went to the woman who swiped our cards and ate alone.  Now there are windows in the front of the dining hall, through which my dorm was easily visible. How he didn't see me waiting I dunno.   

I guess the reason we kept on after that was because we realized we were both at fault for not confirming where we were meeting.  Communication, it surely does wonders.

[Jules1980]

Ooh, I have an actual story! (I may have posted this elsewhere sometime or another.)

One summer (I think I was visiting for the weekend) we decided to have dinner on the deck. So we all helped set the table and cook; however, some of the silverware must have gotten left inside. We're all sitting down to eat and Mom looks down at her setting and says in the most forlorn voice, "I don't have a fork."

I smiled and said, "Your legs aren't broken, you can go in the house and get one." (My tone made it clear I was both teasing and calling her on her PA-ness.) Then as the rest of the family was cracking up, I said with another smile, "All you had to do was ask and I would have gotten you a fork!"

I think they learn young...my 2 year old did this the other day.
"oh no oh no oh no oh no.  I so sad.  Katie chocolate milk all gone!"
And *tada!* grandpa rushed to fill it back up again 

(and she considers it an honor for him to do that.  She said 'you're welcome grandpa' when he brought it to her. [mostly she forgets whether it's Thank you or you're welcome she's supposed to say--she knows there's *something* she should say though  )

That's so cute.  My DD used to say thankyouwelcome.  One word.  She never knew which one to use so she just made it one word.

[CrochetFanatic]

Who on earth goes through someone else's cupboards and eats their chocolate without permission?   I'd blow a gasket.

My uncle.  Only in his case, it's the fridge.

[momtwosix]

My 3 year old would try the pa route with hisearly intervention  o.t. He would need help with something and rather than ask he would yell out help or open this. His o.t. and I would just ignore him until he asked for help. He knew how to ask for help nicely he just didn't want to.

[yachtchick]

poodle - yeah fun but not nearly as much fun as butterfly poop. Still laughing at that thread!

[GratefulMaria]

My mom loves to fish for compliments. When we were young teens,my sister and I figured out that's what she was doing when she'd say, "oh, my hair looks awful today, doesn't it?" We used to reassure her, as young kids who just want to make their mom feel better, but then we started agreeing with her. She started to learn after that.

One memorable day, however, mom slipped and made a self-deprecating comment. She caught herself and said, "I wasn't trying to fish for a compliment, honest!" My sister promptly responded, "Good, 'cause you weren't gonna get one!"

<gasp!>  I forgot all about fishing for compliments!  I must be your long-lost sister.  My mother's the same way.  She bakes -- wonderful food -- for us and used to say things like, "Oh, is the cake I made in the trash already?"  Also, when she talks about something pretty to wear, she'll say it's ridiculous for someone old and ugly to bother.  The poor lady.  She has certainly taught me how not to treat myself.

[CakeBeret]

My grandmother has been doing the PA "dying" routine my entire life.

When she's feeling down, she begins sighing sadly and saying things like "Well, I'm ready to die now." She expects that we will all get upset and flutter around her in shock and sympathy. I can't remember a time that it's ever worked for her, but it doesn't stop her from doing it.

She likes to slip "when I die" statements into everyday conversations. If she asks me to take a look at her computer while I'm over, she'll remind me that she wants me to have her computer when she dies. I was very excited about this prospect when she first got the computer and I was 7; as you can imagine, in the intervening years the computer has become less and less appealing.

If we do something that offends her, she will say "But I guess it doesn't matter because I'll be dead soon anyway."

I can't imagine having such an unhealthy attitude in my last years, but it's her choice, I guess. Since it's been happening all my life, it's easy to shrug off and not respond to.

[Yvaine]

My grandmother has been doing the PA "dying" routine my entire life.

When she's feeling down, she begins sighing sadly and saying things like "Well, I'm ready to die now." She expects that we will all get upset and flutter around her in shock and sympathy. I can't remember a time that it's ever worked for her, but it doesn't stop her from doing it.

She likes to slip "when I die" statements into everyday conversations. If she asks me to take a look at her computer while I'm over, she'll remind me that she wants me to have her computer when she dies. I was very excited about this prospect when she first got the computer and I was 7; as you can imagine, in the intervening years the computer has become less and less appealing.

If we do something that offends her, she will say "But I guess it doesn't matter because I'll be dead soon anyway."

I can't imagine having such an unhealthy attitude in my last years, but it's her choice, I guess. Since it's been happening all my life, it's easy to shrug off and not respond to.

It must be a miserable existence to be "dying" for thirty years and never let yourself enjoy anything along the way!

[Kiara]

It is miserable.  My paternal grandfather was dying from age 55 on.  He lived to be 95.  Every Christmas and anniversary could be the last one, since my grandmother was dying for 20 years.  We never went for Christmas because of weather - the drive was over the mountains and my parents didnt' want to risk it.  We went over Thanksgiving instead.   But EVERY YEAR we heard "Can't you come?  This might be our last Christmas!  Wouldn't it be nice to have the family together?"  (Note: My uncle is the clear favorite, they were never one big happy family.  So let's try and recreate something that never existed.)

My dad could be a pushover for his parents, but it never worked to get us up there.  Eventually my father told his mother "Mom!  You said this was the last Christmas for the last five years!  We're not coming!  We'll see you for Easter!"  Oy.  All that dying, and they never were happy.  Ever.

[Shalamar]

My MIL (she of the "didn't wait for us to arrive before opening Christmas presents" story) had a similar "it's the last time" attitude - about her house.  Some background:   she and FIL used to live in Small Town.  They lived there for about 15 years, and that's where my husband and his siblings grew up.  After all but one of their kids had moved out, MIL and FIL bought a house in Larger Town.  They lived there for about 10 years, and we visited them every so often (maybe 3 times per year). 

When they decided to move from Larger Town to Winnipeg, MIL called us and said "You have to come to Larger Town for Easter this year."    My husband asked why, since we usually just did our own thing for Easter.  "Because it'll be the last family dinner in the old house!" 

She was quite insulted and flabbergasted when my husband said "Mum, to be honest, that house never meant much to me.  It wasn't home.  It was just the house that you and Dad lived in, and I won't miss it."

[snowflake]

Along the lines of fishing for compliments and threatening to die...(Warning: This is something that is only funny if you have been around PA people enough to have some black humor about it.)

I had a work friend who was always saying "No one loves me.  No one would miss me if I killed myself."  Of course we would reassure him that we loved him and would miss him very much.  And it was things like, "I made berry cobbler, it's no good.  Here, try some and tell me if I should kill myself."  or "I'm just have no fashion sense.  I should kill myself." or "I'm no good at my job, I wonder if the boss would be happy if I killed myself."  It also turned into begging for favors.  "No one will ever do X for me.  I might as well kill myself."

So we were always complimenting him on his "talents" covering up for his terrible work and offering to give him rides, etc.  Because we figured if we could just support him through his "rough patch" he would be fine, right?

After six months of knowing him, this got very, very old.  Like when his girlfriend broke up with him and he left a voicemail on my (work) answering machine saying, "I need to talk to someone or I'm going to kill myself" and of course since he left it at 6:00 at night I didn't get it until the next day.  He didn't show up for work the next day.  Oh, and when he came in two days later, he wanted to see who was "sad."  Of course the boss didn't want to fire him because she didn't want his death on her hands.  He was ticked off at me because I called the cops and they did a welfare check at his house.

So, as I was growing my spine.  I decided to change the topic, every time he brought it up.  If he confronted me I'd say, "Well you're still alive." and move on.

Then another girlfriend broke up with him (let's see...how many loves of his life did he lose in a year?)  He went over to her house and threatened to kill himself in front of her if she didn't stay with him.  Of course she called the cops and guess what?  In some places that is legally considered domestic violence.  So he spent the night in jail.  The girl did press charges, he was found mentally incompetent and he was held for inpatient treatment.  I know that sounds terrible, but this was really the best thing for him.

He called up a co-worker when in jail asking for bail and to vouch for his sanity.  The co-worker said that there was no way he could spring for bail.  Afterwards co-worker was telling us, "My regret about this is that I was talking to him when all potential weapons had been removed.  I could have told him the truth about his berry cobbler and faux beatnik hats not worried about driving him to suicide!"

[bloo]

PA - ness nearly got DH killed the other night!

I was keeping the baby (18 mos).  I was late getting home with her, and she was sick.  Not really ill, just not feeling well.  So, I'm trying desparately to get her to eat so I can bathe her and get her into bed.  And it's already getting late.

So, I tried to feed her several things and she wouldn't eat.  I finally opened a can of peaches and got her to eat a few of those.  I had left the can on the counter.  DH comes home from a relaxing evening of NOT keeping a sick 18 MO, and says, oh, are you saving this can for some reason?

My reply is not e-hell approved.

No offense intended, but what about your husband's question was PA?  Was there something in his tone of voice?

If I saw an empty can on the counter, I'd probably ask the exact same thing.  If she was saving it, I'd leave it alone.  If she wasn't saving it, I'd toss it in the recycle bin for her.

Having been on the receiving end of comments like that myself, I'm going to guess it was the tone, or the implied notion of "Why didn't you clean this up immediately?"

I have taken to responding to similar comments with "Yes, and I'll deal with it when I have time" or "No, could you please put it away?"  In short, answering the literal question, not the implied comment.

Posting to agree with Lilfox. The tone probably implied anything from, "Why didn't you clean this up immediately?" to "You're so lazy." That's likely what almost got him killed. Also, Goldilocks might have the type of DH that doesn't do as much 'hands-on' with the kids (whether it just be when they're sick or all the childcare) and he could be clueless to how a sick baby might mean some things are in disarray.

My MIL used to talk all the time about how she HAD to work while sick (flu, migraine, strep). I believe her because I've actually seen it because when she said she had a migraine, my DH convinced me and his lazy stepdad to clean the house to MIL's standards so she could rest. She, as I expected, cleaned right along with us - completely ticking off my and her DH's (we were living with them for a couple months while we found a place to live). I wasn't mad because I figured she'd do that anyway.

So I came to understand how my DH was puzzled as to how I couldn't function with a migraine or flu and such. He'd seen his mom do it his whole life. My DH wouldn't have commented on an open peach can left on the counter (doesn't affect him) but he would wonder where lunch or dinner was while I or one of the kids was in the throes of a fever. In the 20+ years we've been married, he has advanced to at least buying frozen food for himself and the kids and picking up soup for me. And since our kids are older they cook and take care of me. It's not like I'm chronically ill, but when it happens at least I don't have to be stressed by someone else's clueless or PA behavior.

[bloo]

Along the lines of fishing for compliments and threatening to die...(Warning: This is something that is only funny if you have been around PA people enough to have some black humor about it.)

I had a work friend who was always saying "No one loves me.  No one would miss me if I killed myself."  Of course we would reassure him that we loved him and would miss him very much.  And it was things like, "I made berry cobbler, it's no good.  Here, try some and tell me if I should kill myself."  or "I'm just have no fashion sense.  I should kill myself." or "I'm no good at my job, I wonder if the boss would be happy if I killed myself."  It also turned into begging for favors.  "No one will ever do X for me.  I might as well kill myself."

So we were always complimenting him on his "talents" covering up for his terrible work and offering to give him rides, etc.  Because we figured if we could just support him through his "rough patch" he would be fine, right?

After six months of knowing him, this got very, very old.  Like when his girlfriend broke up with him and he left a voicemail on my (work) answering machine saying, "I need to talk to someone or I'm going to kill myself" and of course since he left it at 6:00 at night I didn't get it until the next day.  He didn't show up for work the next day.  Oh, and when he came in two days later, he wanted to see who was "sad."  Of course the boss didn't want to fire him because she didn't want his death on her hands.  He was ticked off at me because I called the cops and they did a welfare check at his house.

So, as I was growing my spine.  I decided to change the topic, every time he brought it up.  If he confronted me I'd say, "Well you're still alive." and move on.

Then another girlfriend broke up with him (let's see...how many loves of his life did he lose in a year?)  He went over to her house and threatened to kill himself in front of her if she didn't stay with him.  Of course she called the cops and guess what?  In some places that is legally considered domestic violence.  So he spent the night in jail.  The girl did press charges, he was found mentally incompetent and he was held for inpatient treatment.  I know that sounds terrible, but this was really the best thing for him.

He called up a co-worker when in jail asking for bail and to vouch for his sanity.  The co-worker said that there was no way he could spring for bail.  Afterwards co-worker was telling us, "My regret about this is that I was talking to him when all potential weapons had been removed.  I could have told him the truth about his berry cobbler and faux beatnik hats not worried about driving him to suicide!"

The last paragraph was funny but I have a question about the bolded. Did he bring a weapon with him? If not, was he planning on strangling himself to death or banging his head against her sidewalk, right in front of her? If he actually brought a weapon that is even scarier as all get out and I'm glad he was arrested. I'm guessing he didn't because you mentioned that making the threat was considered domestic violence.

I've told my kids if someone threatens suicide, even in a joking way, that they should show sympathy but let the person know that a second threat will mean a call to the police. It's a shame your office was held hostage by all his threats.