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Author Topic: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27  (Read 303215 times)

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Bluenomi

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #150 on: December 02, 2012, 07:13:25 PM »
I have to deal with PA clients at work all the time and they don't like it when I don't fall for it  >:D

We have a limited supply of audio visual equpiment which books out early on busy weeks. A client rings up, askes for something and I give them the bad news that we don't have anything left. Out come the comments 'Oh no, what will my boss (important person) do now?', 'what a disaster, the event will be ruinied', 'are you sure you don't have anything left for me?', 'But it is for really important person, you can't let me tell them I can't have it, I'll get in trouble!' etc, etc. They great really annoyed when I don't magically find them someting after they pout. I think I've had every PA trick in the book thrown at me and it just doesn't work.

FoxPaws

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #151 on: December 02, 2012, 07:19:29 PM »
^ I get this at my job, too. I love how people think if they just explain their dire circumstances one more time, the clock will slow down, supplies will magically appear, and equipment will begin performing tasks it was never designed to do.  ::)
I am so a lady. And if you say I'm not, I'll slug you. - Cindy Brady

platypus109

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #152 on: December 02, 2012, 07:29:59 PM »
In college I had a "friend" that loved to be passive aggressive.  Once PA demanded I go with her to a very expensive restaurant in Los Angeles that I wasn't interested in with food I generally don't like.  I was naive and because she implied she would pay for my meal, I tagged along for the experience. 

I learned the importance of clear plans that night when PA told me: a) she wasn't going to pay for my meal because she'd decided she wanted to sit in the restaurant but didn't want to eat and b) I owed her gas money for the ride from our college to the restaurant.  However, she made a big fuss about encouraging me to get whatever I wanted.    PA ended up sulking for the rest of the night when I ordered the only thing I could afford, a small side salad. She claimed I'd embarrassed her by not ordering a full meal.

Another time we were enrolled in the same class, she'd taken many classes from this professor and claimed he was one of the hardest she'd ever had.  It was my first time with this professor and my first time taking a class in this subject area.  During that particular session, the professor had used my paper as an example of a "superior academic paper" and had rather gone on about the quality of my writing; the PA friend received a D on the same assignment.  As we were leaving I mentioned I had to run to get to my job on campus.  She sighed in that big PA way and said she was glad her parents loved her enough to pay for everything so she could focus on her studies.  As if my parents were evil villains for "making" me work in college  ::)

Ultimately, the only reason why I remained friends with PA is because she'd lived on the same hall with my BFF in our freshman year and the BFF had a pretty stubborn "loyalty code" at the time.   Over the four years of college, the BFF and I'd managed to pull away a bit using various techniques of the semi-direct cut. Unfortunately, we never could quite break away.
   
After we graduated from college PA called me a few times but I was just starting graduate school, and since I've never liked talking on the phone, we didn't spend a long time chatting.  Then, in the fall following our graduation, she called me and as soon as I answered the phone launched into some diatribe about the drama in her life. I managed to extract myself enough to just about hang up when she started in on how I didn't call her.  After a few more minutes of that PA finally stopped and said she wouldn't call me again unless I called her first.  Apparently she said something similar to the BFF around the same time. 

It's been 15 years and counting, I sure hope she didn't wait by the phone for my call  ;)

PeterM

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #153 on: December 02, 2012, 07:54:39 PM »
^ I get this at my job, too. I love how people think if they just explain their dire circumstances one more time, the clock will slow down, supplies will magically appear, and equipment will begin performing tasks it was never designed to do.  ::)

We get this at the library, too, generally about fines or fees. The people who state outright that they've had a tough time and ask for leniency may or may not get it, depending on circumstances and policies. The people who are clearly distressed but determined to somehow get themselves out of the situation they and/or their circumstances created may or may not be offered a lenient deal, again depending. The people who throw out loud, exaggerated sighs along with comments to no one in particular about how unfair this is, or how it's not their fault, or something similar, they get nothing. Noth. Ing.

I actually had a complaint about me from one patron who does that a lot. He told my supervisor that I had been rude and disrespectful to him. Based on the timing, as best I can tell this was because I didn't drop everything else I was doing when he came in so I could cater to his every need before he even expressed it. It might've also been because when he complained that his holds weren't on the shelf I told him to look on the next shelf down. We put them out alphabetically by last name, see, so if it appears that the M-s end at, say, Miller, maybe you should look on the next shelf down before you tell me that we can't do our jobs right. I swear to Dog I kept my voice as neutral and non-judgmental as possible when telling him to check the next shelf down, but there's only so much you can do in a situation like that.

In any case, my supervisor knows this guy, too, so she basically told me that if he was complaining about me I must be doing something right.

ica171

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #154 on: December 02, 2012, 08:19:06 PM »
This thread has helped me decide how I'm going to deal with my mom the next time she tries this stuff. I have a 9 month old daughter, and ever since she was about 4-5 months old, she's cried whenever my mom walks into the room. No one knows why, she just does. Now, when my mom does the "woe is me, why don't you love me, you'll have to come stay at my house and I'll make you love me" talk to DD, I ignore her. She knows that's not going to happen and I just don't even feel like it needs to be addressed. But one day a few months ago as she was leaving my house, she held DD, who started crying. I said jokingly, "Wow, what did you do to her?" She started in on "How could you say I'd do something to that little girl, I'd never do anything to hurt her, I love her," etc etc. The first few times I reassured her and said "I know, I know, it was a joke, she's just a baby, she just needs time," on and on.

Then she brought it up at Thanksgiving. I said "You know that was a joke, right?" She said "Yes" and then carried on with her woe is me speech. So next time she says "You said I did something to DD!" I'm just going to say "Yep" and leave it at that.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #155 on: December 02, 2012, 08:27:09 PM »
The college PA reminded me of someone I knew who lived in the same suite as I in my freshman and sophomore years.  (our dorm had 4 suites on each floor, with each suit having 5 rooms that shared one bathroom.   

This girl had a lot of bitterness and was just generally unpleasant.  She was a know it all, superior, and she was convinced that the only reason guys weren't interested her was because she was overweight. Nope, not really.  It was her attitude, completely.  She also liked to put men down...then wonder why they weren't interested.

She'd say "Men don't like me, they think I'm too fat!" Expecting of course for people to say "oh you're not too fat, they just don't know what they're missing!" I was too nice at the time to come out and say "Nope, there are plenty of women on campus your size who have boyfriends. It's your attitude." No one answered and of course that meant she'd just go on and on.   ::)

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

JenJay

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #156 on: December 02, 2012, 08:27:30 PM »
My bff sort of does this, though it makes me laugh, and it usually happens when we're on the phone.

N: So and so ticks me off so MUCH, he did something today that was just so RUDE!!
Me: Oh?
N: Don't get me started, I don't want to get into it!
Me: Okay, I won't.
N: I'm really not in the mood to go over it.
Me: Okay.
N: Oh fine, this is what happened!

That reminds me of a time when DH's dramatic friend called to speak to him, but DH wasn't home, so he decided to talk to me. I got to hear all about how his wife was leaving him again and he really couldn't blame her, it was all his fault, he'd done something bad - really bad! He paused dramatically and said "I don't want to get into the details..." which I guess was my cue to beg for the gossip? He was stunned silent when I said "I didn't ask for any."  >:D

rose red

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #157 on: December 02, 2012, 09:29:24 PM »
The movie story and other posters' similar stories remind me of my sister.  She would make plans causing me to look forward to them.  When the day comes she would frequently be too tired or just don't feel like it, but she won't just say that and end it.  Oh, no.  It's always followed by:

*sigh* we'll still go if you want to *sigh
*sigh* I'm so tired but I'll do it for you *sigh*

...and other wonderful sayings from the book of PA cliches.  Yeah.  Like that's going to an enjoyable activity.  I really want to spend time with someone with that attitude.  I've learned not to count on any of her plans.  If they happen, great.  If not, then I won't have that crushed disappointed feeling.

eta: since the topic is giving PA people what they want, I now just say OK and go on with my life.  I used to be sad and anxious and call her on always breaking plans, which I think made her feel some strange kind of power and control over me. 
« Last Edit: December 02, 2012, 09:38:42 PM by rose red »

KB

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #158 on: December 02, 2012, 09:39:16 PM »
This thread has helped me decide how I'm going to deal with my mom the next time she tries this stuff. I have a 9 month old daughter, and ever since she was about 4-5 months old, she's cried whenever my mom walks into the room. No one knows why, she just does.

I know you weren't asking for solutions, but I wonder if your mother is very loud, or has a particularly piercing voice, or holds DD in a way that makes her uncomfortable or something. I was exactly the same way with my father's mother, who had an incredibly loud voice while Mum and Dad were always relatively quiet around me. She always burst into a room, rather than just entering it, and so I must have learned the sound of her arrival, which always made me cry. It might be worth looking for similar signs, just so that you know about them, even if you can't get your mother to change her ways.

CrochetFanatic

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #159 on: December 02, 2012, 09:45:49 PM »
It's possible that DD might not even have a reason for it.  I remember being extremely young and disliking an elderly neighbor for no other reason than the fact that she smelled like cabbage...It wasn't like the poor lady could really help it, but a three-year-old doesn't know that.

kherbert05

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #160 on: December 02, 2012, 10:26:56 PM »
"You have dirt on your baseboards! Your windows aren't wiped" Oh dear, just call CPS on me now. Never mind the kids could eat off the floor and their toys are picked up but for the few they're playing with.  But the baseboards and windows have a bit of dirt!  ::)
This was your cue to hand him a rag and a bottle of 409.   ;) >:D 8)
Mom did exactly that with my Uncle one time. We had these floor to ceiling windows that were kept spotless - unless my 1st cousins once removed were over. They were small and touched things. Uncle didn't realize how stressed mom was one day. He made a joke about the windows being dirty - mom handed him paper towels and windex  and told him to clean up after his grandchildren.  Uncle cleaned the windows and stopped making jokes about them.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

ica171

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #161 on: December 02, 2012, 11:45:45 PM »
This thread has helped me decide how I'm going to deal with my mom the next time she tries this stuff. I have a 9 month old daughter, and ever since she was about 4-5 months old, she's cried whenever my mom walks into the room. No one knows why, she just does.

I know you weren't asking for solutions, but I wonder if your mother is very loud, or has a particularly piercing voice, or holds DD in a way that makes her uncomfortable or something. I was exactly the same way with my father's mother, who had an incredibly loud voice while Mum and Dad were always relatively quiet around me. She always burst into a room, rather than just entering it, and so I must have learned the sound of her arrival, which always made me cry. It might be worth looking for similar signs, just so that you know about them, even if you can't get your mother to change her ways.

She doesn't, but she does smoke and wears perfume. I've wondered if DD is reacting to either of those smells, although she doesn't always smell like either or both. It could just be DD's age; she's a total Mama's girl and will cry even with DH sometimes. But that started at the typical separation anxiety age, just a month or so ago. It's been since she was 4-5 months old with my mom. It's getting a little bit better, but I just have a feeling I'll be hearing about that joke (one she has made to me when any of my kids were crying with me) for a long time.

weeblewobble

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #162 on: December 03, 2012, 06:22:47 AM »
SoCalVal, my mum sometimes did that to me.  She'd announce in the morning that she was going to take me somewhere that I loved to go, like the public pool.   Then, in the afternoon, I'd ask when we were leaving, and she'd look miserable and say "Oh - do you REALLY want to go?".  The implication being, of course, that if I said "Yes", I'D be the mean one for dragging my poor mother somewhere she didn't want to be.   I always sullenly said "No", which nicely let her off the hook - after all, if it had been that important to me, surely I would have said "yes".

Many years later, when I had kids of my own, she told me solemnly "it's so important to always keep the promises that you make to your children". I just inwardly rolled my eyes and said nothing.

My friend Terri says her mom did this to her a lot growing up.   And then she would want credit for WANTING to take Terri somewhere nice.  It wasn't her fault that she didn't feel well enough to follow through!

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #163 on: December 03, 2012, 06:24:17 AM »
My almost 13 month old is having that separation anxiety too.  He's alright so long as his brothers and DH are with him.  He's a friendly little guy and will reach out to hug other people, but after a few minutes he reaches out for me. 

At the beginning of summer our neighbors invited us to a bbq and horseshoes tournament at their house.  A friend of the neighbor was there and she liked Liam more than he liked her.  She'd hold him and he'd cry (once she kissed him and that was it, he wanted Mama NOW) for the rest of the time we were there, she'd poke him saying "He doesn't liiiiiiike me! Fine, I won't talk to you *to the baby* at all!" At one point I was tempted to say "Promise?"  ::)
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Emmy

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Re: Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!)
« Reply #164 on: December 03, 2012, 07:30:49 AM »
My comments in red

In college I had a "friend" that loved to be passive aggressive.  Once PA demanded I go with her to a very expensive restaurant in Los Angeles that I wasn't interested in with food I generally don't like.  I was naive and because she implied she would pay for my meal, I tagged along for the experience. 

I learned the importance of clear plans that night when PA told me: a) she wasn't going to pay for my meal because she'd decided she wanted to sit in the restaurant but didn't want to eat and b) I owed her gas money for the ride from our college to the restaurant.  However, she made a big fuss about encouraging me to get whatever I wanted.    PA ended up sulking for the rest of the night when I ordered the only thing I could afford, a small side salad. She claimed I'd embarrassed her by not ordering a full meal.

So you 'embarrassed' PA when you ordered the salad, but she somehow wasn't embarrassed to go the restaurant and get no food at all.  I wonder what her point was in going to the restaurant.

Another time we were enrolled in the same class, she'd taken many classes from this professor and claimed he was one of the hardest she'd ever had.  It was my first time with this professor and my first time taking a class in this subject area.  During that particular session, the professor had used my paper as an example of a "superior academic paper" and had rather gone on about the quality of my writing; the PA friend received a D on the same assignment.  As we were leaving I mentioned I had to run to get to my job on campus.  She sighed in that big PA way and said she was glad her parents loved her enough to pay for everything so she could focus on her studies.  As if my parents were evil villains for "making" me work in college  ::)

Evil Emmy would have wanted to say it is good her parents didn't make her work because it was apparent she needed all that time to focus on her studies so she could (barely) pass.  I really wouldn't say that, although I would certainly think it.  It sounds like she is jealous of your good grade so she has to throw in something to make herself feel superior.  This 'friend' sounds like one of those people who it is always a good idea to be super busy when she calls.

Ultimately, the only reason why I remained friends with PA is because she'd lived on the same hall with my BFF in our freshman year and the BFF had a pretty stubborn "loyalty code" at the time.   Over the four years of college, the BFF and I'd managed to pull away a bit using various techniques of the semi-direct cut. Unfortunately, we never could quite break away.
   
After we graduated from college PA called me a few times but I was just starting graduate school, and since I've never liked talking on the phone, we didn't spend a long time chatting.  Then, in the fall following our graduation, she called me and as soon as I answered the phone launched into some diatribe about the drama in her life. I managed to extract myself enough to just about hang up when she started in on how I didn't call her.  After a few more minutes of that PA finally stopped and said she wouldn't call me again unless I called her first.  Apparently she said something similar to the BFF around the same time. 

It's been 15 years and counting, I sure hope she didn't wait by the phone for my call  ;)