Giving PA people what they "want" (Stories!) UPDATE P27

[JenJay]

My bff sort of does this, though it makes me laugh, and it usually happens when we're on the phone.

N: So and so ticks me off so MUCH, he did something today that was just so RUDE!!
Me: Oh?
N: Don't get me started, I don't want to get into it!
Me: Okay, I won't.
N: I'm really not in the mood to go over it.
Me: Okay.
N: Oh fine, this is what happened!

That reminds me of a time when DH's dramatic friend called to speak to him, but DH wasn't home, so he decided to talk to me. I got to hear all about how his wife was leaving him again and he really couldn't blame her, it was all his fault, he'd done something bad - really bad! He paused dramatically and said "I don't want to get into the details..." which I guess was my cue to beg for the gossip? He was stunned silent when I said "I didn't ask for any." 

[rose red]

The movie story and other posters' similar stories remind me of my sister.  She would make plans causing me to look forward to them.  When the day comes she would frequently be too tired or just don't feel like it, but she won't just say that and end it.  Oh, no.  It's always followed by:

*sigh* we'll still go if you want to *sigh* 
*sigh* I'm so tired but I'll do it for you *sigh*

...and other wonderful sayings from the book of PA cliches.  Yeah.  Like that's going to an enjoyable activity.  I really want to spend time with someone with that attitude.  I've learned not to count on any of her plans.  If they happen, great.  If not, then I won't have that crushed disappointed feeling.

eta: since the topic is giving PA people what they want, I now just say OK and go on with my life.  I used to be sad and anxious and call her on always breaking plans, which I think made her feel some strange kind of power and control over me. 

[KB]

This thread has helped me decide how I'm going to deal with my mom the next time she tries this stuff. I have a 9 month old daughter, and ever since she was about 4-5 months old, she's cried whenever my mom walks into the room. No one knows why, she just does.

I know you weren't asking for solutions, but I wonder if your mother is very loud, or has a particularly piercing voice, or holds DD in a way that makes her uncomfortable or something. I was exactly the same way with my father's mother, who had an incredibly loud voice while Mum and Dad were always relatively quiet around me. She always burst into a room, rather than just entering it, and so I must have learned the sound of her arrival, which always made me cry. It might be worth looking for similar signs, just so that you know about them, even if you can't get your mother to change her ways.

[CrochetFanatic]

It's possible that DD might not even have a reason for it.  I remember being extremely young and disliking an elderly neighbor for no other reason than the fact that she smelled like cabbage...It wasn't like the poor lady could really help it, but a three-year-old doesn't know that.

[kherbert05]

"You have dirt on your baseboards! Your windows aren't wiped" Oh dear, just call CPS on me now. Never mind the kids could eat off the floor and their toys are picked up but for the few they're playing with.  But the baseboards and windows have a bit of dirt! 

This was your cue to hand him a rag and a bottle of 409.   

Mom did exactly that with my Uncle one time. We had these floor to ceiling windows that were kept spotless - unless my 1st cousins once removed were over. They were small and touched things. Uncle didn't realize how stressed mom was one day. He made a joke about the windows being dirty - mom handed him paper towels and windex  and told him to clean up after his grandchildren.  Uncle cleaned the windows and stopped making jokes about them.

[ica171]

This thread has helped me decide how I'm going to deal with my mom the next time she tries this stuff. I have a 9 month old daughter, and ever since she was about 4-5 months old, she's cried whenever my mom walks into the room. No one knows why, she just does.

I know you weren't asking for solutions, but I wonder if your mother is very loud, or has a particularly piercing voice, or holds DD in a way that makes her uncomfortable or something. I was exactly the same way with my father's mother, who had an incredibly loud voice while Mum and Dad were always relatively quiet around me. She always burst into a room, rather than just entering it, and so I must have learned the sound of her arrival, which always made me cry. It might be worth looking for similar signs, just so that you know about them, even if you can't get your mother to change her ways.

She doesn't, but she does smoke and wears perfume. I've wondered if DD is reacting to either of those smells, although she doesn't always smell like either or both. It could just be DD's age; she's a total Mama's girl and will cry even with DH sometimes. But that started at the typical separation anxiety age, just a month or so ago. It's been since she was 4-5 months old with my mom. It's getting a little bit better, but I just have a feeling I'll be hearing about that joke (one she has made to me when any of my kids were crying with me) for a long time.

[weeblewobble]

SoCalVal, my mum sometimes did that to me.  She'd announce in the morning that she was going to take me somewhere that I loved to go, like the public pool.   Then, in the afternoon, I'd ask when we were leaving, and she'd look miserable and say "Oh - do you REALLY want to go?".  The implication being, of course, that if I said "Yes", I'D be the mean one for dragging my poor mother somewhere she didn't want to be.   I always sullenly said "No", which nicely let her off the hook - after all, if it had been that important to me, surely I would have said "yes".

Many years later, when I had kids of my own, she told me solemnly "it's so important to always keep the promises that you make to your children". I just inwardly rolled my eyes and said nothing.

My friend Terri says her mom did this to her a lot growing up.   And then she would want credit for WANTING to take Terri somewhere nice.  It wasn't her fault that she didn't feel well enough to follow through!

[Piratelvr1121]

My almost 13 month old is having that separation anxiety too.  He's alright so long as his brothers and DH are with him.  He's a friendly little guy and will reach out to hug other people, but after a few minutes he reaches out for me. 

At the beginning of summer our neighbors invited us to a bbq and horseshoes tournament at their house.  A friend of the neighbor was there and she liked Liam more than he liked her.  She'd hold him and he'd cry (once she kissed him and that was it, he wanted Mama NOW) for the rest of the time we were there, she'd poke him saying "He doesn't liiiiiiike me! Fine, I won't talk to you *to the baby* at all!" At one point I was tempted to say "Promise?" 

[Emmy]

My comments in red. 

In college I had a "friend" that loved to be passive aggressive.  Once PA demanded I go with her to a very expensive restaurant in Los Angeles that I wasn't interested in with food I generally don't like.  I was naive and because she implied she would pay for my meal, I tagged along for the experience. 

I learned the importance of clear plans that night when PA told me: a) she wasn't going to pay for my meal because she'd decided she wanted to sit in the restaurant but didn't want to eat and b) I owed her gas money for the ride from our college to the restaurant.  However, she made a big fuss about encouraging me to get whatever I wanted.    PA ended up sulking for the rest of the night when I ordered the only thing I could afford, a small side salad. She claimed I'd embarrassed her by not ordering a full meal.

So you 'embarrassed' PA when you ordered the salad, but she somehow wasn't embarrassed to go the restaurant and get no food at all.  I wonder what her point was in going to the restaurant.

Another time we were enrolled in the same class, she'd taken many classes from this professor and claimed he was one of the hardest she'd ever had.  It was my first time with this professor and my first time taking a class in this subject area.  During that particular session, the professor had used my paper as an example of a "superior academic paper" and had rather gone on about the quality of my writing; the PA friend received a D on the same assignment.  As we were leaving I mentioned I had to run to get to my job on campus.  She sighed in that big PA way and said she was glad her parents loved her enough to pay for everything so she could focus on her studies.  As if my parents were evil villains for "making" me work in college 

Evil Emmy would have wanted to say it is good her parents didn't make her work because it was apparent she needed all that time to focus on her studies so she could (barely) pass.  I really wouldn't say that, although I would certainly think it.  It sounds like she is jealous of your good grade so she has to throw in something to make herself feel superior.  This 'friend' sounds like one of those people who it is always a good idea to be super busy when she calls.

Ultimately, the only reason why I remained friends with PA is because she'd lived on the same hall with my BFF in our freshman year and the BFF had a pretty stubborn "loyalty code" at the time.   Over the four years of college, the BFF and I'd managed to pull away a bit using various techniques of the semi-direct cut. Unfortunately, we never could quite break away.
   
After we graduated from college PA called me a few times but I was just starting graduate school, and since I've never liked talking on the phone, we didn't spend a long time chatting.  Then, in the fall following our graduation, she called me and as soon as I answered the phone launched into some diatribe about the drama in her life. I managed to extract myself enough to just about hang up when she started in on how I didn't call her.  After a few more minutes of that PA finally stopped and said she wouldn't call me again unless I called her first.  Apparently she said something similar to the BFF around the same time. 

It's been 15 years and counting, I sure hope she didn't wait by the phone for my call 

[stitchygreyanonymouse]

My SOs mom is the queen of PA and guilt trips. Not as much with us, because he calls her out on them and then we’ll leave. It seems 7yo nephew is either oblivious or on to her (or likely a bit of both) for the PA stuff.

Yesterday’s response to her trying to convince him he needed to do some craft project for the holidays because she was feeling too unwell to do it herself was perfect:

QueenOfPA: "Fine, we’ll just work on it this week in between your homework. We can do it sometime between Monday and Friday and don’t forget, you have homework too." [Emphasis hers]
Nephew: "Okay!"
QueenOfPA: *Sputtering about how clearly she was saying they didn’t have time to do it during the week*

Nephew won that round though.

[siamesecat2965]

I have to deal with PA clients at work all the time and they don't like it when I don't fall for it 

We have a limited supply of audio visual equpiment which books out early on busy weeks. A client rings up, askes for something and I give them the bad news that we don't have anything left. Out come the comments 'Oh no, what will my boss (important person) do now?', 'what a disaster, the event will be ruinied', 'are you sure you don't have anything left for me?', 'But it is for really important person, you can't let me tell them I can't have it, I'll get in trouble!' etc, etc. They great really annoyed when I don't magically find them someting after they pout. I think I've had every PA trick in the book thrown at me and it just doesn't work.

I get this all the time at my PT job (retail) usually involving someone trying to return something past the 90 day deadline, or trying to get some sort of discount where none is available. 

I had a customer the other night try and pull the woe is me discount thing. She had put some sale items on hold, and at the time, they were an additional 40% off. But that promo is now over. Also, we technically are only supposed to hold sale items until the end of the day, although if its a customer we know, and know they will be back, we'll do it for longer.  Customer had put a number of items on hold maybe a week ago, while the extra % was still on. But when she came in, that promo was over, and they were "as marked" she bemoaned the fact, and went on about how she had ONLY put them on hold since it was an extra % off. 

Well, sorry, but a. if it was that important you got the extra off, you should have come in, or at the very least, which we can also do, called and paid for them on the phone and b. i am not losing my job to give you a discount that doesn't exist or that you are not entitled to.

I've gotten very good at not JADE-ing, and simply telling them I'm sorry I can't do what you want, or comiserating about their "bad luck" (i.e. not purchasing when it was a better deal) Then I simply stop talking.

[LazyDaisy]

The movie story and other posters' similar stories remind me of my sister.  She would make plans causing me to look forward to them.  When the day comes she would frequently be too tired or just don't feel like it, but she won't just say that and end it.  Oh, no.  It's always followed by:

*sigh* we'll still go if you want to *sigh* 
*sigh* I'm so tired but I'll do it for you *sigh*

...and other wonderful sayings from the book of PA cliches.  Yeah.  Like that's going to an enjoyable activity.  I really want to spend time with someone with that attitude.  I've learned not to count on any of her plans.  If they happen, great.  If not, then I won't have that crushed disappointed feeling.

eta: since the topic is giving PA people what they want, I now just say OK and go on with my life. I used to be sad and anxious and call her on always breaking plans, which I think made her feel some strange kind of power and control over me.

I had a friend that used to break plans with me all of the time. I felt held hostage to her whims until I decided that I could go on with the plans whether she was there or not. The turning point for me was a weekend trip to Vegas for her birthday. We'd been planning it together for 2 months and I had already taken the Friday off from work at a job where it was near impossible to get time off, ever. Two days before we are to go she "just doesn't feel right about it" and offers to reimburse me whatever cancellation fees I might have (the hotel room and day spa reservations were all on my credit card). I'd had it! But I didn't yell or try to shame her into going, I just calmly stated that I had been really looking forward to this and so I was still going and I'm sure that I could either cancel or transfer the extra spa reservation. The surprised look on her face was priceless. She liked being in control of the plans and by going without her, I took all of her power away completely. I started doing it for everything. She didn't show for the movie -- I'll let her know if it was good or not; cancel at the last minute for lunch at the trendy new restaurant she'd suggested -- I'll let her know how the food was. She pitched little fits, "How could I go without her?!? Why can't I just wait?!?" but she got better at following through on plans.

[Nora]

That's all kinds off brilliant!

[pierrotlunaire0]

LazyDaisy, I'm glad you got freeof that, but it just hit me that your friend was denying herself all kinds of enjoyment for the thrill she got out of controlling you.  That is a sad commentary on her.

[LazyDaisy]

She had good qualities too and the friendship survived this little bump. She had always had small control issues but I'm pretty flexible and go-with-the-flow so it worked for us -- until it got out of hand. She loves to make plans, all of the build-up excitement and imagining, but when it comes to the actual time to do it, reality is kind of a let down. She's a "grass is always greener on the other side" person. So she'd make plans, build them up in her mind, then panic because it might not be as she imagined and want to cancel so she wouldn't be disappointed and could continue to imagine it. It's controlling but not malicious -- she wasn't trying to hurt me but wasn't thinking beyond herself.

When I started doing things with or without her, she made following through more of a priority and that solved the problem without a big fight. Although she is still cancels occasionally, I pick my battles.